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Original poster

Grandparents only want one dd to stay, leaving other dd at home with us

42 replies

jenkel · 27/01/2006 15:05

I have a bit of a tricky situation and would like opinions on how best to handle it.

I have 2 dds very close in age and I am an only child. My Mum has always been very close to dd1 and does tend to spoil her a lot, however, she has not been quite so close to DD2 and does not tend to spoil her as much. Quite often when we visit I have to remind her about DD2 who is normally standing next to her desperate for her attention. I dont think she means to do it, just dont think she thinks, and as I was an only child I dont think she realises that you have to make a real effort to spend equal amounts of time with each child. Anyway, DD1 is due to start school in Sept and she wants DD1 to spend a week with her in the holidays one her own. MY DH is adament (sp) that she ought to have both children together or not at all and I feel the same to some degree, however dont want to deprive my Mum or dd of any time together. My one concern is that they will both really miss each other as they do everything together, especially DD2 who will still be at home with us. So any other opinions before I really rock the boat.

OP posts:

tortoiseshell · 27/01/2006 16:27

Just to add, as an eldest child I always got REALLY mad when my brother got to do things at the same age as me (although I know you said they were close in age) - seemed really unfair that if I wasn't allowed to do something till I was, say, 8, he could do it at 5/6. I do think the eldest should have some privileges (in doing things the younger ones 'aren't old enough to do yet').

Original poster

jenkel · 27/01/2006 16:28

They are 3 1/2 and 2.

Also, they do everything together and generally seem to like being with each other

OP posts:

wannaBe1974 · 27/01/2006 16:56

I am the youngest of two sisters and my grandparents (predominantly on my mother's side) totally favoured my sister. The reasons were slightly different, she was the first grandchild, so definitely think that plays a part, but when I was 6 weeks old we moved to South Africa so they never really had a relationship with me. However, I remember vividly my mum telling me that she and her father had had a major row just before she left because her and my dad were taking my sister away from them, there was never any mention of the fact that they were upset that my parents were taking me, just a baby, away and that they would never get to know me. I came back when I was 4 but I was sent to boarding school but my sister wasn't, so consequently her relationship with the grandparents continued, and mine didn't. I never felt like a grandchild, and as a result would never, ever, allow my mother to favour any child of mine over the other.

muma3 · 27/01/2006 17:17

havent read all posts

terrible i think that the poor child is already getting feelings of rejection . i have 3 dds and although they dont have the same fathers whichever one goes to the grandparents then they always tke the other dd3 too young at present. it is there choice too not mine but it is only fair
think its awful

katyp · 27/01/2006 17:35

They both seem very young to me to spend a whole week away from you, either separately or together. Especially if your mother is a 3 hour drive way - not easy to go to get them if they get homesick (unless of course they are used to spending a lot of time with her). However, apart from that, as they are so close in age I agree that they should go together. My dd, on the other hand, has a big age gap between her and her younger brothers, so is at a much different stage, developmentally, so would appreciate some time on her own with a grandparent

ladymuck · 27/01/2006 17:53

Sorry - wouldn't enter my head to send a 2 year old to grandma for a week when said grandma is 3 hours away. Especially if grandma wants dd1 to stay. Very different having 1 child rather than 2, even where the gap is small tbh.

I'd be more tempted to try and turn the week into a rite of passge. This year dd1 goes as her special treat before starting school , then when dd2 gets to the same stage she can have the same treat. There are far more things to do for a week with a 4 year old than with a 2 year old.

Ds2 was 2 y and 3m when ds1 got the treat of a weekend away with dh to mark his start of school. I suspect that ds2 doesn't even remember it, but he cetainly hasn't had the same treat - of course he had the treat of a week with me. Likewise for dd2 - she may find having you and dh to herself for a week a real treat. It may also help her with the change of dd1 starting school, and being out of the house for much of the day.

RTKangaMummy · 27/01/2006 18:14

I was thinking DDs were alot older than that

Aloha · 27/01/2006 18:19

I think I agree with Ladymuck. Having one four year old to stay is very different to having one four year old and one two year old. But I also agree it is hard to see one child as the favourite.

Blu · 27/01/2006 18:30

I agre with Ladymuck, too.
I think there are 2 separate issues here, the perceived favouritism, and the trip.

Maybe your Mum really does doubt her ability to cope with 2 pre-schoolers.

Why not suggest that DD1 goes this time, and DD2 when she is a little older.

It might be really nice for DD2 to have you to herself for a week, too. They can't do everything together -and DD1 going to school will be a big example of that. Why not make it a treat for each of them - DD1 with grnparents, DD2 a week with Mummy and Daddy.

My sister and i oftn went to our Gran's separately, it wasn't an issue - wasn't made into an issue.

Certainly wouldn't cause a family 'issue' over this - but i guess that is down to your DH!

Blu · 27/01/2006 18:31

If your Mum has a chance to spend time with DD2 on her own, away from the shadow of her sister, she WILL get the attention of your mum.

Aero · 27/01/2006 18:46

Have to say I too agree with Ladymuck and Aloha. We used to spend a week or so with my grand-parents from time to time, and loved it. We were a good bit older than four though and we went separately. No favouritism was ever shown or felt by either my brother or myself, but we both had some great times with our grandparents. I think, given the age of my grandparents, that having one child at a time was plenty for them to handle, but I do agree that both children should have their chance to go, although atm, I think two is very young to be away from parents for so long.

Meanoldmummy · 27/01/2006 19:18

I agree with Ladymuck/Aloha

I think you can make it really special and exciting for both of them and your parents. And nice for you to spend some time with dd2 on her own too.

Tortington · 28/01/2006 01:37

my dh's aunt and uncle have always favoured my twins over my eldest. at first it was the novelty of twins and it carried on from there. the twins went and still do. with ds1 alone we used to buy him stuff and have pizza and twins would be jealous that he has alone time with both of us.

now they don't want to go but feel obliged and look longingly my way for excuses.

i looked on it as a chance to get rid of 2 kids, thats why i went along with it. it was a welcome break.

i agree that its hateful that a relative favour one child over another, but i turned the situation into something which suited me and ds1

nightowl · 28/01/2006 02:08

i havent read all of this thread but i have the same situation in a way. when my ds was little my aunt and uncle loved to have him there, they really adored him. then my cousin had a baby and went to live with them. (the poor love couldnt possibly try to get a place of her own, do her own cooking or laundry, buy her own baby's nappies, pay her own mobile bill, buy her own clothes or anything like that) (and she's in her mid 20s) my dd is a year younger than my cousin's baby and they have very little time for her at all. when i phone my aunt and i tell her the little things dd is doing now i get cut off with "oh yes does this that and the other and her poo was this colour, fancy that!"

she has asked is ds (8) will go up there for a weekend with them but will never ask if dd can do the same. i asked my aunt why this was and she said "oh i cant cope with two toddlers". yes that is fair enough but what's wrong with her not looking after my cousins toddler for once? she seems to just accept that my cousin's baby is her responsibility. she does almost everything for that child while my cousin uses the house like a hotel. comes and goes as she pleases then stays out all night and refuses to get up in the morning, leaving my aunt to see to her child. so my dd is pushed out because of this.

it does make me feel bad because ds sees his dad on quite a regular basis and dd has no daddy. its not nice for her only family to be like this too.

i dont know how to handle it either im afraid.

Meanoldmummy · 28/01/2006 02:09

It's amazing how miserable these long-standing arrangements can become....I'm not going to let my mother have my boys at all. But there is also the fact that she is a certifiable lunatic!!!

Tortington · 28/01/2006 02:38

mine too. seems very common actually

MrsBigD · 28/01/2006 09:15

agree with what's been said here.
If your mum also commits to a week with dd2 then I would let dd1 go. That way both of them get special time.

My brother was 'deposited' at my grandmother's quite a bit asmy mum couldn't cope with both of us as we were 1.5 years apart. Didn't do us any major harm, but then again we were to young too realise to start of with I guess

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