AIBU to be angry at mum for not disowning brother?

[Yoghurty]

Long, ugly story short....

Last year my half-bro was charged with low-level child porn images. Mum wrote to him whilst he was in prison.

He has been released but we found out a few weeks ago he was picked up again as his other half-sister has had flashbacks to him abusing her when she was younger.

Mum has no support around this to work through how she feels so I have been supporting, listening, talking through etc. Until last week when she said 'He'd dropped points in her estimation for 1st offence but this new incident he's dropped further'.
I challenged her and asked how she could support him given his crimes- she said 'you don't have children so you can't understand' which I think is unfair.

I'm angry at her minimising and wonder how far he'll have to go to be not in her estimation anymore. This is now affecting my relationship with her. AIBU?

Being a mum this must be absolutely awful for her and maybe trivialising it is the only way she can deal with it. I for one love my child unconditionally and can see where she's coming from.

I think it would be very hard to disown a child.

However, I should think it´s quite possible for her to hate his actions but not him.

I completely understand her need to minimise- she's been doing at for years as these are not his first forays into criminal behaviour. Also, I do believe in the 'hate the sin, not the sinner' way of thinking.

I guess it's more that I know that she must be hurt and angry about this but she won't say anything other than 'he's been stupid'.
One of my cousins has also spoken to my Mum separately to say that he's propositioned her before and used to spy on her as a child and do/say things that made her feel uncomfortable(this was before he'd been charged with anything)It just makes me wonder what the cut-off point is for her? If it had been me he'd abused, would she feel differently?

When I say disowned, I suppose I don't mean 'you are not my child anymore' but supporting/loving an abuser unconditionally does not sit well with me.

I could never disown either of my children.

Me neither. It must be so hard for her, but stopping loving him is not a choice she can make. Nor would it solve his problems. She is clearly not blind to them though, which is something. But how would it help anyone if she cut him off?

She's probably still reeling from it all, tbh. And, God forbid I am ever in her position, but I can imagine wanting to minimise it. Because the man that has done these things is also the baby she brought home from hospital, and loved, and taught to speak etc. She must be in turmoil and caught between loving her child, which is an unconscious and automatic thing, and condemning his indefensible actions. I think it must be hard for her to verbalise how she feels, and it's probably going to come out wrong in all sorts of ways. YANBU to not understand how she can't turn her back on him, but I think YABU if you expect her to. That might change as more information comes to light, and she might be forced in to taking a stand. I feel sorry for her, tbh. It must be hellish.

Poor woman! Don't be angry with her. I can honestly say that I love my DC so much I am not sure what they'd have to do for me to cut them out of my life. I might well be angry with them and desperately want them to change but I just don't think I could utterly reject them.

I can feel only sympathy for your mum. I'm sure some of us ZmNers will be in similiar situations one day. It's very hard to disown your own child.

Zmers?? Meant MNers!

YY rubyrubyruby :(

While your brother's actions go against human nature....so does what you are asking of your mum.

I'm sorry, but I know what she means when she says "'you don't have children so you can't understand"

When you do, maybe think about what you asked of your mother again. I'm certain it won't seem quite so cut and dried to you then.

The bond between parent and child is often indestructable.

There's nothing my dc could do that could make me stop loving them or cause me to disown them.

Your mum is most probably beating herself up wondering what she could have done anything differently or whether she contributed in any way to her ds's criminal behaviour, and that's not an easy place for a parent to inhabit.

I work in a prison and find that its rare that parents disown their sons regardless of the crime. I think it must be so hard as a parent to make that choice. I don't know if your mum would go for it, but it might be worth discussing counselling with her. You say you are the only person she has to talk things over with; thats a hefty burden for you to bear.

ruburubyruby

She intially did blame herself, both myself and my other brother reassured her that she did nothing wrong and it was his decision and his choice to behave as he did.

I previously had a good relationship with him- I cut him out of my life a few years ago because of other inappropriate behaviour on his part, so when this new information was found out I was already distanced from him. I know a brother/sister relationship is very different from that of a parent though.

I believe that people can change- if they want to and if they take responsibility for their actions, but he does nothing but lie, manipulate, blame and deny.
As I said, supporting/loving an abuser unconditionally does not sit well with me.

Pictish
I've never asked her to disown him- I've not even suggested it. (My thread subject is maybe misleading) His bio father already has and my dad has forbidden her from contacting him and said he will not be welcome in his house. I am not adding pressure to her by bringing this up- hence MN!

LittleWhiteWolf I've tentatively suggested it to her, but I think she feels this is very shameful and will not speak to a stranger about family matters- especially something like this.

yes, as with most of the others I've read in here I don't think I could ever disown my child, no matter what he did and how much it appalled me. That's not to say it wouldn't break my heart into tiny pieces

I could never disown either of my children.

this ^

I couldn't disown my child, but I couldn't disown my brother either

You're doing your best to support your mother when it seems no one else will, but you are not the right person to do it. This is not a criticism of you. Your mother has to protect you from her real feelings in their full strength. It's great that you're helping her, but can you talk to your dad as he doesn't seem to be helping her. She needs to be able to offload to someone (just not one of her own kids).

I didn't mean that you had actively said the words "please disown your son" to your mum, but that that was what you expect of her. Your thread title says so.

Everyone, no matter how evil their crime is somebody's child.
Don't underestimate how unconditional a mothers love is. I can't ever imagine disowning my dc, even for something like this ...
Your poor poor mum must be heartbroken.

Go easy on her and if you can't understand her then at least accept her decision and support her.