married to a porn/sex addict - had enough

[mazza1974]

well I was on this very site about 10 years ago with same problem with dh though he convinced me he would change he never has, his addiction to online porn and masturbation has led me to despair - during the whole of my 17 year marriage dh has had an interest in porn from videos which we watched together as teenagers he has progressed to watching on sky and taping behind my back, sneaking downstairs in middle of night to watch and masturbate on laptop he has always denied it was him and blamed others !

I have tried everything in my power to help him we have always had a very active sex life so cannot understand why he needs porn so much. I even let him video us having sex so that if he needed to watch sex he could watch us, anyway whilst on holiday the week leading up to christmas 2011 i was looking on his laptop and noticed something called the adult hub in his history tab - when i looked at it i was mortified to find he had uploaded out private videos without my knowing and advertised us as wanting 3 way sex he had even emailed men and offered to meet them in the hotel i had booked for our wedding anniversary without my knowing ! i looked further into it to find emails to and from other users - at first he denied it and then his laptop died without any power cable so i had to put on brave face for rest of the holiday for sake of ds age 14 and dd age 10

when we got home day before christmas eve i went on my computer and put details in again and low and behold i found loads of other pics of us and video he had uploaded to more than one site, also found messages he had sent to other women on the site asking them to meet him for sex in hotels where he was staying on business, he told others how pretty they were and how he was masturbating over their pictures and videos you can imagine how all of this made me feel i went mad and stormed off in the car he sent me numerous texts apologising and said my mam had kids so i should go home and talk - i did go home but it ended in another slanging match and i went out again - i just drove around trying to clear my head - when i got home i found a suicide letter telling me he was ending it all etc i ran around the house no sign of him anywhere his car was still there and the only thing i could of was the woods at the end of our street so i ran down in pitch black darkness |(fell and broken toe in process) screaming his name he eventually replied and came to me and said he was planning on hanging himself !!

we went home and talked and agreed to get him help - i made an appointment for him to go to gp (who basically said - all men look at porn !!! and said his attempt at suicide was cry for help and didnt need medication) told him to seek specialist sex addiction councelling which we found through relate and also bought a couple of books - i tried to put block on porn on computers and mobiles but if you know names of sites they still come up only blocks if you search for porn words !

dh has been to 3 sessions now and keeps tellin me he doin well, however, i am very poorly at the moment with laryngitis and chest infection and have been ill since last thursday in the past 6 days even though ill we have had sex 4 times !! today i was in bed dozing as feeling really poorly and heard husband creeping around house i went downstairs to find him masturbating and wiping orgasm up as if it was normal thing to be doin in middle of working day !!

he says it is stress release but im just at the end of my tether i really dont know what to do - I think I should leave him - what would you do and why ?

I understand you are worried about the guy who has located you through facebook however you can't get your sisters police friend to run checks on him 'unofficially' they would loose their job. Ignore the requests and if he uses other methods to try and contact you report it to the police officially.

never thought of that cheesenpickle probs why i havnt heard anything back

I agree if the facebook man attempts to contact you tell him to leave you alone and that you will inform the police if he doesn't. Keep copies of everything.

That is good that you have had the images brought down. You cannot stay with this man, he is putting you in danger. He needs to sort himself out if he wants to stop behaving like this, there is nothing you can do. You need to look after yourself and the children.

The suicide thing is being used to control you.

The guy that has contacted you on facebook, if you've not done so already, it's probably worth blocking him so that he can't send you any more friend requests or see you at all on there.

and change your privacy settings that only friends can contact you/see you.

Oh, and you really want to try and get all copies of explicit pictures, videos, etc, deleted permanently, so have a really good check through all folders on the laptop, check USB sticks, writeable CDs etc, if he has online storage such as google docs, microsoft livedrive, dropbox etc then check that too. If you can get all copies destroyed now he won't have the temptation to upload them again as revenge.

Not much you can do about copies that other people have downloaded from that site already, once something is uploaded to the internet it's nigh on impossible to close pandora's box.

1. Go to al-anon. Although the focus is on alcohol addicitons, it is a vital help in learning to challenge co-dependency.

1. Look for porn addiction help groups (there must be some.

1. The largest decision any co-dependent has to make is: what is he choosing - me, or the addiction?

And that is the choice of your life. Very sadly at the moment you are enabling him, and sheltering him from the consequences of his addiction.

The only person you can grow, change, develop, is you. What are you doing about learning to stand on your own feet in this life? If he died tomorrow, would you know your mortgage/life insurance/account details, do you have a power of attorney (probate freezes bank accounts)? I didn't know these things.

Uploading your private sex video without your consent is horrific and would definitely be a deal breaker for me if my BF did that. The porn addiction is bad enough (although he could argue that it's a private thing) but the video directly involved you, and addiction or not it's inexcusable. I'm normally of the try anything to save a marriage brigade, but you can't save it alone and he doesn't appreciate the severity of the problem. Another vote for get rid of him. Sorry.

Abitwobblynow,

You sound like you have been through similar - is that the case ?

We found professional porn/sex addiction counselling he has been to 3 sessions so far but these have concentrated on porn - he is actually addicted to masturbation so taking porn away has not helped I am going to his next counselling on Monday at 3pm with him and I am going to see what she says I am also contacting my gp to arrange counselling for me ! I cannot look past Monday at the moment I need to hear what the counsellor has to say. With regards to my mortgage etc I know very little as DH is a highly sought after IFA and I let him deal with it all so I suppose that is another step to take too

Squirrelz,

Thank you x I have been through everything and got rid of all pics and videos I have thrown away vibrators etc he bought me too as never liked them only let him used them on me toplease him and satisfy his fantasies

just been on fb and blocked the bloke who found me

Not me Mazza, it was a friend of mine.

You have to SEE it to understand what an addiction it is, and to know that a thirty year old had burned his brain out was scary. He could not get erections any more!

Mazza, I have to tell you that unless he sees that he has a big problem and he is trying to fill and emptiness within him, and until he takes responsibility and does something to address it, there is nothing you can do. Please attend Al Anon meetings they are great for learning detachment.

How awful for you that you are now in the public domain. How about laying a charge? Would you ever be prepared to do this? So he HAS to face stuff?

If my dh uploaded videos of us having sex on to the Internet, I would 100% leave him - no questions, no discussions, no counselling, no second chances, no reaction to suicide letters. Nothing. The End

not sure what his suicide bit is all about, personally i wouldn't care a jot, given the 100% abuse and betrayal of trust posting personal videos on net. i would get rid immediately, honestly, a nano-second would be too long.

I am that you didn't throw him out when you found out he has posted pics of you online. If that happened to me it could well be the end of my career, what an awful thing to do to someone.

Saying that though I understand how your boundaries can be worn down over a period of time about sex stuff. I did some stuff for my ex that make me feel sick now. He put me in very dangerous situations and it took me ages to see that what he did to me was very very wrong.

Mazza, have you had yourself tested for STIs? From what you've been saying it sounds like your H has been meeting women off the internet for no strings sex, and who knows what he might have picked up and passed on to you. You really should think about getting yourself checked out, if you haven't already done so.

So you're saying that you allowed him to film you two having sex and he the posted that online????

Holy shit.

Imagine your children finding it! And he's saying you're a control freak???? I'm sorry but this man is sick. If he genuinely can't grasp how wrong his actions are (basically offering his wife up for sex with strangers without her consent, sleeping with her when she's sick and presumably not interested) then I can't see how you can have a relationship with him.

He's using you as a sex toy.

This man should be prosecuted for his sexual abuse of you.

There was a prog on tv the other night and the perpetrator went to prison for doing what your husband did to you

For me, that would be a complete and utter dealbreaker. I would not remain married to man who has done any of the things you have detailed here

Did you speak to Women's Aid yet, mazza ?

My husband was exactly the same,it came to a point where he was forcing himself on me infront of me but i thought he would change.I found out he's been abusing kids too so be vigilante too.(shock)

Infront of kids I meant

how are you today, mazza ?

Hi all - im ok in that I do not feel as ill as I did last week and feel a bit more focused on what needs to be done. I have promised to go to his counselling session tomorrow at 3pm I am going to see what his counsellor has to say I want to know if he told her everything and I want to know what her reaction is to uploading images of me etc, I have thought about taking legal action against him but its my kids that are stopping me I dont want to drag them through all of this, In my head im thinking

Go to counselling tomorrow
arrange appt with gp re counselling for me
ring womens aid re advice
speak to CAB re a solicitor
plan for a future for me and kids and start saving
still go to Florida in June its ni on paid for and me and kids need the break and could be last chance i get to take them
get house valued
get my car fixed and new tyres !
ask re possible extra hours at work
and plan a seperation

i need to be prepared I am not a person who can just up and leave I need to be organised and focused - I do not trust him at all and even though he is saying now he knows what he has done is wrong and he wants to save our marriage he has accepted he has a problem etc but i think he will go back i think it is just a matter of time and i want to be ready to just get up an go - if i do it now i think i would fall flat on my face -

why would your kids be dragged into a prosecution against him ?

they didn't break the law...

but, if you need to plan, make sure you stick to it

it is all too easy to drift back into "making do" once they turn "Mr Nice Guy" back on

then, before you know it, a couple of years go by before you even noticed

until the next time he shits on you from a great height

He is sexually abusing you and his suicide threat was made in order to manipulate and control you. Don't bother going to the counselling tomorrow. It's just a red herring. He won't change and sex addiction counselling won't address the real issue which is his abuse of you.

Good resource mazza is no-porn.com - there is a dedicated partners forum there where other haves are forbidden from posting.

I am going through this at the moment .. pls do pm me if you want to chat.

I know EXACTLY where you are coming from :(

that's halves