married to a porn/sex addict - had enough

[mazza1974]

well I was on this very site about 10 years ago with same problem with dh though he convinced me he would change he never has, his addiction to online porn and masturbation has led me to despair - during the whole of my 17 year marriage dh has had an interest in porn from videos which we watched together as teenagers he has progressed to watching on sky and taping behind my back, sneaking downstairs in middle of night to watch and masturbate on laptop he has always denied it was him and blamed others !

I have tried everything in my power to help him we have always had a very active sex life so cannot understand why he needs porn so much. I even let him video us having sex so that if he needed to watch sex he could watch us, anyway whilst on holiday the week leading up to christmas 2011 i was looking on his laptop and noticed something called the adult hub in his history tab - when i looked at it i was mortified to find he had uploaded out private videos without my knowing and advertised us as wanting 3 way sex he had even emailed men and offered to meet them in the hotel i had booked for our wedding anniversary without my knowing ! i looked further into it to find emails to and from other users - at first he denied it and then his laptop died without any power cable so i had to put on brave face for rest of the holiday for sake of ds age 14 and dd age 10

when we got home day before christmas eve i went on my computer and put details in again and low and behold i found loads of other pics of us and video he had uploaded to more than one site, also found messages he had sent to other women on the site asking them to meet him for sex in hotels where he was staying on business, he told others how pretty they were and how he was masturbating over their pictures and videos you can imagine how all of this made me feel i went mad and stormed off in the car he sent me numerous texts apologising and said my mam had kids so i should go home and talk - i did go home but it ended in another slanging match and i went out again - i just drove around trying to clear my head - when i got home i found a suicide letter telling me he was ending it all etc i ran around the house no sign of him anywhere his car was still there and the only thing i could of was the woods at the end of our street so i ran down in pitch black darkness |(fell and broken toe in process) screaming his name he eventually replied and came to me and said he was planning on hanging himself !!

we went home and talked and agreed to get him help - i made an appointment for him to go to gp (who basically said - all men look at porn !!! and said his attempt at suicide was cry for help and didnt need medication) told him to seek specialist sex addiction councelling which we found through relate and also bought a couple of books - i tried to put block on porn on computers and mobiles but if you know names of sites they still come up only blocks if you search for porn words !

dh has been to 3 sessions now and keeps tellin me he doin well, however, i am very poorly at the moment with laryngitis and chest infection and have been ill since last thursday in the past 6 days even though ill we have had sex 4 times !! today i was in bed dozing as feeling really poorly and heard husband creeping around house i went downstairs to find him masturbating and wiping orgasm up as if it was normal thing to be doin in middle of working day !!

he says it is stress release but im just at the end of my tether i really dont know what to do - I think I should leave him - what would you do and why ?

i want to be happy and be loved for who i am - and i want my children to be happy -

i know i should leave him - but where do i start ????

Start one baby step at a time. I am at loathe to suggest anyone end their realtionship but in this case it seems so unfair that you so nice and caring to him and you get nothing back but lies and hurt. I think there is someone out there who will truly treasure you and appreciate your kind heart x

I think you should give Women's Aid a call.

I just off to bed so sorry not to be more supportive just now. I hope you are ok, you have dealt with so much and all of it hideous. I agree that the sharing of filmed material without your consent is a terrible betrayal.

Do you have anyone you can confide in? A sister or a female friend?

Thinking of you. Take care x

Well my initial reaction is shock at just how much a man can put a woman through and yet still get some level of support.

I could give you lots of technical advice about how to keep him off the 'Net whilst allowing others in the house to stay on, but frankly anybody who's got 'it' as bad as he has is always just going to find a workaround. If you did kill the broadband he'd go and get USB dongle for his laptop, or turn his phone into a wifi hotspot, it's too easy to get access another way.

Some practical advice about the videos and pictures he's shared. I am pretty sure those websites will have required him to click a box confirming that all participants are willing for the stuff to be published. If you email them to say you are not willing they will remove them very quickly. I think these sites should require details of who is in the videos and make sure they have the consent of all, but let's face it, they don't care, they just want the content.

Finally, on the subject of wanting to see you with other men. I know a couple that tried this twice as it was the man's fantasy. They stopped because it wasn't for her, but it remains a fantasy for him, he's just had to bury it. They are one of the most loving and strong couples I know, he adores her.

Many men share this fantasy and while I am sure there is a lack of true love in some cases, it isn't always the case. I'm afraid you just have to decide whether you can live with a man who you know would happily watch you with someone else. My friend does, but her husband knows it'll never happen again.

But for you this is a minor issue! Like I said, I am amazed he's still getting some support from you.

Unfortunately porn addiction is like any other addiction and will need proper treatment to make it better.

An alcoholic is always classed an alcoholic even if they haven't had a drink for some time.

It's not a simple as just saying I won't do it again when it has been going on for 20 years plus.

Whether you choose to leave or not is up to you. As someone else said you only get one chance at life and there is nothing worse than looking back with regrets.

A man can still be a good father without being a good husband.

He thinks it is normal and that it is me who has a problem - he thinks i am a control freak !

Do all men wank to porn? at least twice a week ?
Do all men picture their wives with other men ?
Has your dh or dp ever uploaded videos and photos of you ?

He says he never met anyone for sex but i dont believe him

also some how i forgot to mention !!!
One of the men who saw video and pics contacted dh and wanted to meet up - he has put two and two together and found me on facebook he has sent me 2 friend requests which terrifies me as he knows where i work etc

Affair of the mind by Laurie Hall. You will find it very religiosity but her experience is very similar to yours. I found it helpful when I was in your situation. Despite the religious tone it also cites a lot of professional papers. It is also a bit old now but I would personally recommend it.

thanks Ive just found another one called www.sexualcontrol.com/index.php by Joe Zychik I found via an old thread in here earlier and I am currently reading it - it seems spot on =

my dh masturbates sometimes to porn but sometimes without he says that everyman does and that i should accept it and stop trying to control him - he thinks i am a control freak and that he only masturbates because he is stressed - ive just found on this site that masturbation addition is more likely to be cause !

So I will keep reading and let you know how i get on - thanks x

Don't stay for the sake of your children. My mum left my dad, and it was the best thing she could have done for our family. Follow your instincts.

This is a soul-destroying situation for you. Not all men use porn, he's wrong about that.

He is refusing to accept there is a problem. You have two options:

1. Put up with it

2. End the marriage - he has already checked out of the marriage anyway.

He is an abusive arsehole; I am shocked that you are still with him, TBH. I rarely join the "leave the bastard" crowd, but in this case:

Leave the bastard. What he has done to you is absolutely horrible, the most gross breach of trust I've heard of in a long time. His threats of suicide are just that, threats. You've got to end it.

what a creep.

He put personal, private images of you, made for his/your own viewing on the internet without your knowledge....that is beyond belief. He may be happy with images of him being on there but to do that to you is just despicable.

Not all men use porn, do not believe that and do not let him make you feel guilty...he really needs help but if things haven't improved in ten years do you really think he is capable of change?

I came here from the other thread you started...did not imagine that the situation was THIS bad :(
This guy is abusive and his behaviour has been unacceptable.
You and your children really shouldn't stay with him.

None of the things he has done to you are in anyway normal or acceptable.

The fact that you are not entirely sure of this, suggests that he has done quite a lot of emotional and psychological work on you too. You need support right now. You will get plenty of that on MN but I really think you need more than that. Would you consider giving Women's Aid a call and chatting to someone there?

www.womensaid.org.uk/

The facebook thing is just awful. Your DH is practically pimping you out. You are being abused sweetie. Please call WA. (0808 2000 247)

thank you - i will give them a call xx

What is your situation if you do decide to leave? Where are you with the practicalities?

If you can throw him out of the house that would be the best option.

The thing about him putting the sex videos of you up on the web, and also fantasising about you with your boss, is because he thinks he owns you. It's the same for any man who is fantasising like that - they see the woman they are with as a possession that they can share with other men.

I'm really sorry he's done all this stuff to you. You can manage without him.

He also may use the sex stuff to blackmail you. You probably need to be aware of that. If he does, try and get concrete evidence, then go to the police.

That's great mazza. You sound very brave.

Keep posting here for support - by advising you to call WA I'm not suggesting that the support you can get here won't be good too. I just think what is happening to you is extremely serious and warrants the intervention of experienced people.

I agree that this may be a matter for the police.

Which is another reason why I think you need Women's Aid - this is an awful lot to deal with and you need and deserve concrete help, support and advice. This is exactly what WA are there for.

His actions prove he doesn't love or respect you as anything other than a convenience. The suicide "attempt" seems to be a cynical attempt to keep you around. It's convenient for you to do everything for him, including constant sex.
What is he doing to put the kids first? Nothing.
What are you doing to put him and the kids first? Everything.

He doesn't deserve you or the kids and you and the kids deserve better. You say your kids know you argue, just remember the the arguments are all caused by HIS behaviour. It's not your responsibility to fix him. He clearly doesn't want to change.

have you contacted the websites that he has posted you on and asked for the material to be taken down? you need to get this stuff off the internet and if that requires police involvement go for it - it might wake him up to the gravity of what he's done too.

he's basically put you out there in front of pervs and arseholes and made you known to them and now they're finding you on facebook? i hope he realises how serious this is.

I have contacted the sites I was mortified at how many men advertise on these sites for sex and a lot of them say they are happily married and their wives have no idea they are just looking for NSA sex and fun its obscene. The Adult Hub is one and so is fantasti cc so for anyone else out there whose husband likes porn be aware of these sites. My images have been removed and my husbands accounts closed

I do worry about the arsehole who has found me on facebook though and i confided in my sister yesterday who has a friend in police i have given her his name and asked if they can run it through system I havent heard anything back yet though. This man who found me is a professional person it is really scary the type of people who are addicted to such vile images and fantasties ?

No, it is not normal for men to post pictures of their wives and girlfriends on sex websites. Any man who asks to take pictures is suitable for dumping immediately, and implying that you would be up for sex with other men is basically pimping.

Get rid of him. You would be horrified if you had any further idea about what your so called husband has said regarding your attitude to consenting to sex. In effect, he is telling other men that you consent, you don't get a choice. There are some serious cases of invited men turning up and raping women because of their informed belief that the woman wants it.

Your husband is revolting, manipulative and cruel. There is nothing wrong with your reaction, it is a natural and normal reaction to very dangerous conduct by your husband. Don't believe a damn word he says.

If he threatens suicide call the police.