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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Terrible, Awful sex life

44 replies

CardboardBiscuit · 22/02/2012 08:13

My DP has always had problems getting/maintaining an erection. It comes and goes in phases but the latest phase just does not seem to be going away. It's been months now. He's been to the doctors who can't find anything wrong physically, they gave him tablets which do work but you have to take them half an hour before sex and I HATE "planned" sex. Even then he "forgets" to take one or he'll "risk it" and not take one hoping for a placebo effect. He used to be a big porn user and he's stopped that now incase that had something to do with it (or so he tells me). It's just awful, something so natural has become a massive chore and I know I should be patient and understanding but I have a very low sex drive at the best of time and all this fannying about just puts me off even more. He'll nag and nag and nag for sex, sometimes for well over an hour and when I finally give in for a quiet life he can't get it up or he loses the erection he had. Everything is such a waste of time and he won't just "leave it" at that, he'll start going on about "oh well I'll make you cum with my fingers?" etc and ffs I just want to be left alone. Yes I know you'll probably say "wow what an unselfish lover offering to make you climax even though he can't" but really, when you've been nagged for over an hour for sex, finally managed to get yourself in the mood and then he can't have sex afterall - fingers just don't do it. Sometimes he'll get it up and then dive on me saying "quick, while it's working!" - errr no I can't just "Turn on" because YOU'RE ready. Or on the rare occasion that we do end up having sex he'll ask me to go into a different position an then he'll faff about trying to reposition himself as he's slowly going limp and then he'll panic and say something like "quick go back" - it's so unromantic and "machine" like.
I've just noticed he's gone and bought an "impotence/Penis ring" off ebay. I want to scream at him but I know it's not his fault but the more he fucks about with all these "methods" the more I just want to forget the whole thing. This is actually making me reconsider the entire relationship (amongst other things).

OP posts:

overmydeadbody · 22/02/2012 08:17

Sounds like you don't really want sex with him. If he didn't have these erectile problems would it make any difference really?

maleview70 · 22/02/2012 08:21

Must be hard for him (excuse the pun) as its a blokes worse nightmare.

Are there more deep rooted issues than this in the relationship and this is just the tip of the iceberg?

feedbackforfree · 22/02/2012 08:23

Oh dear. Just concentrating on the sex angle at the moment rather than anything else; impotence is a terrible issue and many men cannot go to the doctor and ask for help because they find it hugely embarrassing and believe (wrongly) that it casts a shadow over their masculinity and therefore their pride.

It really sounds like he's worried about not fulfilling YOUR sexual desires rather than his own.

I would say, judging by your last sentence, that you both need to think about your relationship as a whole and decide to be mutually supportive and agree a plan of action, or, if the sex issues are actually a symptom of a much more serious relationship issue, whether you have a future together. One way or the other, this isn't just a problem for your husband to take responsibility for.

Original poster

CardboardBiscuit · 22/02/2012 08:26

I don't want to have sex with him I don't find him attractive anymore and I suppose I feel guilty when I see him going to all these lengths when really I'd prefer it if we never had sex again.

OP posts:

MsF1t · 22/02/2012 08:38

Sex counselling? Sounds like you both need to consider what you want from this relationship, including whether you still want it.

And then do the whole 'building up from nothing' thing- i.e., no sex allowed, just romance and 'courting', to touching for an hour to... well, that's what therapists help you with, I'm no expert. Hope you get it sorted, sorry can't write more- first coffee of the the day + shouty baby...

feedbackforfree · 22/02/2012 09:03

Cardboard, is this just physical or are you actually saying you no longer love him and do not see a happy and fulfilled future in the relationship, for both of you?

misty0 · 22/02/2012 09:12

I don't want to have sex with him sad I don't find him attractive anymore and I suppose I feel guilty when I see him going to all these lengths when really I'd prefer it if we never had sex again.

How sad. For you and him. I think you need to be honest with him about this. Your reluctance to have sex with him could be conributing to his erection problems - causing a vicious circle.

Surely he deserves to be told he's 'flogging a dead horse' here (sorry) and both of you take the opportunity to go your separate ways and find partners that you can be happy with?

brandysoakedbitch · 22/02/2012 09:19

I don't want to have sex with him sad I don't find him attractive anymore and I suppose I feel guilty when I see him going to all these lengths when really I'd prefer it if we never had sex again

Well that will be the problem then eh? Interesting that he thinks the problem is with him. Seems to me that he is doing all he can to sort this out (it is a big deal for a guy to go to the docs and talk about this) - he is trying to offer alternatives to satisfy you and no dice.

The problem is your relationship not his cock. At least do him the kindness of taking some responsibility for what is happening, poor man.

Pornyissue · 22/02/2012 09:19

He used to be a big porn user and he's stopped that now incase that had something to do with it (or so he tells me).

There is loads of research emerging, that yes, over exposure of porn (I mean a serious amount) can play havoc with mens abilty to get an erection for "normal" sex (google porn + erectile dysfunction)

However, in agreement with others it sounds like you have no interest anyway. The truth is, he is trying hard (excuse the pun) to get things right again but your not supporting his efforts because, frankly you have had enough

mcmooncup · 22/02/2012 09:31

I'm not surprised you don't want to have sex with him. Being pestered for and being obsessed with sex is the biggest turn off of all

dreamingbohemian · 22/02/2012 09:38

Well if you would be happy never having sex with him again, that sort of says it all really.

I think you need to accept that you have a big decision to make: either break up with him, or reengage and do everything you can to solve this problem together (this would certainly involve counseling).

You cannot keep doing what you're doing now. It sounds like you are both miserable.

How long have you been together? Do you have DC? Are you happy outside of this issue?

Helltotheno · 22/02/2012 09:42

In fairness, though he sounds annoying, he is making a bit of an effort to sort things and there's no real point in him making that effort if you don't feel attracted enough to him to make a go of it. Do you have children because if you didn't, I'd be telling you to move on. It sounds like there are other issues too but you haven't gone into what they are.

Helltotheno · 22/02/2012 09:43

advising of course, not telling :)

Slartybartfast · 22/02/2012 09:46

he has tablets but you hate having planned sex?

poor bloke. he needs someone understanding, which you are not.

ShirleyO · 22/02/2012 09:48

I think his impotence is probably strongly linked to the fact that you don't actually want to do it.

fingerofbling · 22/02/2012 09:49

OP, this sounds shit. No wonder you don't fancy him - 'your' sex life is all about his penis. "Quick, while it's working!", ffs!

It sounds like there's more to your unhappiness than this, too. OP, life is seriously too short. His ED itself need not be a dealbreaker but the fact that you are miserable IS imo.

Lifeinlalaland · 22/02/2012 10:20

Wow. So he's gone to the Dr, has given up porn, is trying to please you in ways other than just using his penis.....

So making no effort at all then? Why would he even want to have sex with you? You clearly despise him in that way. Doubt i'd be able to get it up either in his position.

puds11 · 22/02/2012 10:46

I would just tell him how you feel, and save him the money, embarrasment and effort he is going too to try and please you. I imagine this problem makes him feel very insecure and inadequate, and without you telling him, he probably doesnt realise your not interested.
I dont think you are a bad person at all, but you need to respect him enough to appreciate the effort he is going to, and explain that you just arnt that interested in sex. It may help take some of the pressure off him, and things may begin to change naturally for both of you when sex isnt such a massive focus

garlicfrother · 22/02/2012 11:27

Even if he's binned the porn (and kudos to him, if so) he doesn't seem to have given up the porn mentality. A bit like a dry drunk as compared to a recovering alcoholic - it's not the substance that needs to go, it's the attitudes and learned reactions that go with it.

He's got to stop nagging you. That's coercion and it's no wonder you don't feel like sex; he's basically seeing you as a service provider! As far as the readjustment to normal desire goes, a sex therapist could be the best solution. But if he won't consider that, has he got a Fleshlight? He'll still need to work on actually fancying you, the person, but the device is supposed to help get him used to the more complex feelings of penetrative sex (as differed from wanking by hand). Disclaimer: I don't know if this actually works, I've just seen it recommended.

garlicfrother · 22/02/2012 11:28

"it's not just the substance that needs to go" ... should have said

garlicfrother · 22/02/2012 11:32

www.relate.org.uk/sex-therapy/index.html

mojitomania · 22/02/2012 11:39

Nothing worse than being pestered for sex, makes my skin crawl.

I'd just tell him outright to sod off and take his ridiculous penis with him.

WidowWadman · 22/02/2012 11:45

Whilst being pestered for sex is awful, being asked to never ever have sex again is no better.

To me it sounds like there are deeper issues than just the erectile dysfunction. The partner has shown a lot of effort to try and solve these, whilst OP isn't interested in even tackling the problem at all. That reads very disrespectful and loveless to me.

I can't see that relationship surviving to be honest.

sonicrainboom · 22/02/2012 11:54

You don't have to have sex with him if you don't want to, and you don't have to stay with him if you don't want to. Is there currently something good about this relationship?

mcmooncup · 22/02/2012 12:35

PMSL @
"I'd just tell him outright to sod off and take his ridiculous penis with him."

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