Terrible, Awful sex life

[CardboardBiscuit]

My DP has always had problems getting/maintaining an erection. It comes and goes in phases but the latest phase just does not seem to be going away. It's been months now. He's been to the doctors who can't find anything wrong physically, they gave him tablets which do work but you have to take them half an hour before sex and I HATE "planned" sex. Even then he "forgets" to take one or he'll "risk it" and not take one hoping for a placebo effect. He used to be a big porn user and he's stopped that now incase that had something to do with it (or so he tells me). It's just awful, something so natural has become a massive chore and I know I should be patient and understanding but I have a very low sex drive at the best of time and all this fannying about just puts me off even more. He'll nag and nag and nag for sex, sometimes for well over an hour and when I finally give in for a quiet life he can't get it up or he loses the erection he had. Everything is such a waste of time and he won't just "leave it" at that, he'll start going on about "oh well I'll make you cum with my fingers?" etc and ffs I just want to be left alone. Yes I know you'll probably say "wow what an unselfish lover offering to make you climax even though he can't" but really, when you've been nagged for over an hour for sex, finally managed to get yourself in the mood and then he can't have sex afterall - fingers just don't do it. Sometimes he'll get it up and then dive on me saying "quick, while it's working!" - errr no I can't just "Turn on" because YOU'RE ready. Or on the rare occasion that we do end up having sex he'll ask me to go into a different position an then he'll faff about trying to reposition himself as he's slowly going limp and then he'll panic and say something like "quick go back" - it's so unromantic and "machine" like.
I've just noticed he's gone and bought an "impotence/Penis ring" off ebay. I want to scream at him but I know it's not his fault but the more he fucks about with all these "methods" the more I just want to forget the whole thing. This is actually making me reconsider the entire relationship (amongst other things).

Have you considered that his erection problems might be linked to the signals you give out? The signals that you don't want him?

It's possibly making his problem worse.

Not only has he a wife who doesn't fancy him any more, but he has ED. It sounds a bit chicken and egg to me.

You need to be honest with him and yourself. If you don't want sex with him, then why are you even entering into any physical contact? Out of duty?

This is very sad. he must be worried sick over his ED but you don't really want it sorted as you don't want sex.

Talk to him and get out of the marriage if that is what you want.

I'm not particularly on the side of "poor ickle man and his penis-related ego" because it looks very, very likely that he damaged his sexuality by heavy porn (ab)use. If he can't or won't get himself out of a mindset that insists his dick is more important than a full loving, mutually respectful relationship, then he's a no-hoper imo.

I haven't said "leave the plonker" (certainly not as wittily as mojito did) because Biscuit asked for ideas on how to deal with the problem. If it can't be dealt with satisfactorily - well, what mojito said!

You dont sound in the least supportive if you cared about him at all you would be doing anything to help him, yet you arent. This is more than about his limp cock, Id say no wonder he loses his erection if you show so little interest in him.

Surprised people are saying that op's p's ability to have sex should be prioritised over op's right to only have sex she wants.

Nothing is less sexy than being pestered for sex. He could be trying to build the non-penetrative intimacy but he's not.

Have you read the first post? The OP says he will spend forever trying to make her happy without using his penis.
It must be very difficult for him to have spontaneous sex if he has to take Viagra. Maybe you could see it from a man's view in so much as when he mamages to get an erection, he wants to use it. I don't agree with pestering for sex, but how does somone know when it's pestering and when it's foreplay? Unless the OP tells him- which she isn't- how does he know?

No, she said he pestered her for sex for hours and when he loses his erection says he'll use his fingers instead. Where's the intimacy there?

My XP had ED. He acted in a respectful and loving manner the whole time - there was intimacy, I felt cherished and the sexual activity felt mutual and bonding.

"I'd just tell him outright to sod off and take his ridiculous penis with him."

• thanks for making me splurt coffee all over my new WHITE bedding!! I shouldn't laugh ...

But no the issue is his obsessive focus on sex. Everything is about sex with him. We spend a weekend together, the only thing on his mind is sex to the point where he'll mention it over and over again. Not the movie we're going to see or the resteraunt we're going to - just what we'll "get up to" at bedtime fuck all probably
We once went away for the weekend, I had a very stressful job (still do but at this time it was particularly bad) and I said I wanted a relaxing weekend away walking, drinking and chilling. We went to the Lakes. We spent the first day walking for miles and miles - I got quite badly sunburnt PLUS I'd suffered insomnia the night before so I was beyond knackered by the time we got back to the B&B. I sprawled out on the bed only for him to rush his trousers off saying "It's gone hard, are we ok to try now?" my response to this was "errr no, I'm tired, I'm sunburnt and now I'm annoyed, not a great time for me to be honest" and he reacted by going off in a strop over it. He's SO annoying. (And in my defence, I'd "tried" to have sex with him the morning before we set off for the walk as I anticipated being rather shattered by the evening and couldn't guarantee a calm response at being nagged for sex - we tried, he couldn't get it up. So it wasn't as if I flat out refused all weekend.

The sex thing is driving a great fucking lorry a big wedge between us.

It's not true that you have to plan sex to the last minute if the man is having problems with erectile dysfunction. For instance, the effect of Cials lasts for several days so there is plenty of time for both parties to get in the mood as it were. Erectile dysfunction is incredibly common over a certain age (eg Cials prescribed for men of 35+) and doesn't necessarily relate to previous porn use.
His approach to sex sounds pretty unsexy - nag and nag for hours.....eek!

OP I think you completely misunderstand how much a man's identity and ego are linked to his penis.

Given that this man has issues with ED then he is bound to want to perform when he gets an erection. He is wanting to prove to you and to himself that he can still manage it.

Have you any idea how he must feel to constantly fail at something so basic and important?

Having said that, he also needs to understand how women's sexuality works- which is that dinner, chocs, nice chat, tenderness and foreplay make a huge difference.

Have you sat down and had an open discussion with him about how his behaviour turns you off?

But you have also said you don't fancy him any more anyway- so I am very confused as to why you are posting this at all!

Can you enlighten me?

Cardboard, if you research porn addiction you will find that it desentitises the sex part of the brain - it literally gets burned out.

You have my sympathy and I only know this because a friend of mine's H got addicted to porn (and avoided her). He had to look at more and more extreme stuff to get stimulated. He couldn't get an erection either after a while - he was in his THIRTIES.

Porn is a horrible thing.

You sound like you don't even like him let alone want to sleep with him. Being pestered for sex is deeply unpleasant but being made to feel like you can have a go even though you're not expected to manage it can't be much fun either. Sad for you both.

Do you have children together?
I guess I mean, how entwined are your lives?

Blunt question: if he is like this all the time, why are you still with him?

Oh OP you poor thing, you really really don't like this man, re you aware of that ?

I don't like him either.

i feel really sorry for this man -he is trying his best to sort out his sexual issues (or lack of them) for you but tbh you actually dont want him to as clearly said you dont want to have sex with him

do you love him or want to be with him?

It's horrible when you are repulsed by someone they way you are with him. You can't stay with him in this way OP.You need to make your decision.

You do need to sit down and have a serious talk with him, if you think there is anything worth saving in the relationship. You don't want sex with him, that's fine and may well be a perfectly natural and healthy response to being pestered for it all the time. But are there other good things about being with him? Is there a nice, kind, fun-to-be-around man behind the cock-obsession? If not, if he's always been selfish and lazy, it probably is time just to call a halt to the relationship.