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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can a relationship like this get better, or only worse?

43 replies

StarRose · 21/02/2012 17:02

Been with DP for almost 2 years. We're both single parents and live separately, an hour away from each other. We met and fell in love pretty quickly, however from very early on we've gone through patches of very explosive arguments. We have ended our relationship once, for a few weeks and then decided to try and work it out, although there have been quite a lot of times where we've been 'over' but got straight back together. One thing that has continued to bother me is that he will say it's over, and leave, or make me leave, only to calm down and decide he didn't mean it. We seem to be very similar when it comes to disagreements or misunderstandings and don't deal very well with feeling hurt by the other person. We both know we need to work on listening and understanding the other, and the way we react in these situations, but when it comes to it it all goes out the window and our response is the same as every other time. Although I love him and I know he loves me, I do sometimes wonder if we're wasting our time trying to make this work. It's been so rocky so far, we've never really had a honeymoon period that other couples talk about, and I can't help wondering if a relationship is meant to be this much hard work. People have told me that the more we get to know each other and the longer we've been together the easier it will get but I worry that they don't know the full extent of our arguments and that carrying on trying might just end up in more wasted years. I don't want to end it but I feel I need some kind of reassurance that it can get better!

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 21/02/2012 17:32

It certainly doesnt sound like a healthy relationship to me, not for two adults anyway.. it seems to be more like the behaviour of a pair of teenagers.

You dont even live together yet and you are struggling to get on.. that wouldnt bode well for me.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 21/02/2012 17:33

IMO, an inability to handle conflicts in a healthy way = bad relationship, whether or not it lasts.

Handling conflicts is a skill that can be learned, though.

kodachrome · 21/02/2012 17:46

I don't like the sound of it. What would it be like if you moved in together, and everytime you had a disagreement he chucked you out or stormed off? It would be ridiculous - and terrible for the dc.

I don't think honestly that these very turbulent relationships are good for anyone. They may be intense, but they're not healthy.

If you're not ready to give up on it, perhaps relationship counselling would be a good idea to help you communicate and deal with conflict. But it shouldn't be this much hard work so early on, really.

CailinDana · 21/02/2012 17:48

Some couples have explosive arguments and think nothing of it, but I think that's because they don't get hurt by them or don't really mean what they say in the heat of the moment. If the arguments are hurting both of you and you end up breaking up quite often then I doubt things are going to improve to be honest.

EirikurNoromaour · 21/02/2012 18:22

Sure it is possible to change, DH and I used to be like you. It took a lot of time, a lot of work and some significant lifestyle changes for both of us. It was a big cOmmitmrnt but worth it as we have a DS. For you two? Idk.

upahill · 21/02/2012 18:26

To me it sounds like too much hard work too soon.
You haven't even got the day to day irritants of living together and yet you are in a rocky relationship.

I would want more peace in my life tbh.

KatieScarlett2833 · 21/02/2012 18:28

You'll both grow up some time, either that or you will eventually run out of things to argue about......

something2say · 21/02/2012 18:38

Why not, while calm, draw up a list of things to do mid argument, like both agree to not say you are separating, both agree to walk away when one starts shouting, stuff like that? I wonder if both of you need someone to talk to as well, about why there is all that underlying anger waiting to explode on who it probably isn't anything to do with...

Original poster

StarRose · 23/02/2012 09:46

Yes, it does feel teenage at times. He'll accuse me of being in a mood, reminds me of me and my brother fighting when we were kids. But any time I do something that upsets him he goes all quiet and won't speak to me for ages. And it seems I do quite a lot of stuff that upsets him. I've noticed it usually takes one of these big arguments to clear the air. I do wish he could drop things a little easier. Saying that, we have discussed it again and we've both talked about things we'll try to do differently, so maybe we can work it out...

OP posts:

malinkey · 23/02/2012 10:02

What is it you do that upsets him?

Does he do anything that upsets you or is always one sided?

Original poster

StarRose · 23/02/2012 10:24

Lots of things can upset him - if I snap at him, if I don't listen, if I do something he doesn't like and don't say sorry. He tells me that I should think about what it is that might have upset him and apologise, and he'll be ok, but until that happens he will continue to be upset with me.

I just find it hard that he is very often upset and not talking to me, I hate the atmosphere it creates.

He does do things that upset me, but I tend to snap at him (probably shouldn't but sometimes can't help it) and then get over it pretty quick. However, by this point, he's upset with me for snapping so the whole thing is so much more awkward.

OP posts:

malinkey · 23/02/2012 10:28

Sounds like hard work to me - I bet he could find something to criticise you about no matter what you did.

And what is this crap about? I'll stop being upset with you when you've worked out why I'm upset! FFS. He just wants you to think about him and his needs all the time from the sound of it.

Thistledew · 23/02/2012 10:30

You say that he is the one who makes the decisions about whether the relationship is over or whether it is on again. What about your feelings? Do you have a proper say as regarding these decisions? You sound that you are quite passive in this respect, whether because you are choosing not to assert yourself or whether he doesn't see you as an equal decison-making partner is not possible to tell from your OP.

When you split up and get back together again, you are actively choosing to enter into a relationship with someone with whom you are unhappy and have arguments with.

How about having a month or two complete separation. No contact. This might make it clearer as to whether you are really in love with each other or just addicted to a heady emotional rollercoaster. If your love is genuine, you will have no problem picking up your relationship again. His behaviour during that time may also reveal how much respect he has for you and your relationship.

From my own experience, love is more than an explosive grand passion. Being in a loving relationship should make you feel happy, secure and able to grow into your full potential as an individual. For me, a relationship that does not give me that is not worth continuing.

Original poster

StarRose · 23/02/2012 10:31

It is hard work. While I love the good times we have, I hate the bad times, the coldness, the arguing.

OP posts:

Hardgoing · 23/02/2012 10:36

Explosive relationships can improve slightly, but they are also tiring and emotionally exhausting, in my experience.

You might knock the corners off the intensity of the rows over time, e.g. agreeing not to threaten to leave the relationship, but just to take 'time out' or go out and come back in half an hour.

But unless you are very very in love, and there are many many pluses to outweight this, setting up for 50 years of explosive rows and an emotional roller-coaster isn't that much fun (as you are already finding out).

CailinDana · 23/02/2012 12:23

From what you say in later posts it sounds like your DP is quite manipulative - he uses sulking to get the upper hand and threatens to leave if you don't do as he wants. My DH was a bit of a sulker when we first met but I said to him in no uncertain terms that sulking was not acceptable in an adult relationship and that if he wanted to sulk he could sulk at someone else. It's a ridiculous way to behave and totally pointless in the long run. It is also very manipulative in the sense that it puts the other person on edge but it doesn't give them a chance to sort things out. It also puts the other person in a weaker position as they usually have to be the one to approach the sulker and, often, apologise, even if it wasn't their fault.

IMO in a relationship you should be open and honest as much as humanly possible. Yes, it's ok to get annoyed or angry but childish behaviour is way off and shouldn't be indulged.

mojitomania · 23/02/2012 12:32

My DP and I are 3 years into a relationship and sound vaguely like you though neither of us use sulking we just part for a day or so now and again (I'm going through the menopause and have dreadful PMS). For us we largely see it as two rather strong people learning to mould the edges and adapt to each other with a few poxy hormones being thrown into the mix. Neither one of us gets terribly upset or holds a grudge and I love him more today than I did a year ago so it can and does work. You don't need to be like loves young dream all the time.

However OP it does seem like he's the one that does this push-pull thing to you rather a lot which doesn't sound right.

kodachrome · 23/02/2012 12:59

Actually I have red flags here, starrose.

The bit where you have to play 'guess what you've done to upset me' with him? That's worrying. That's him withholding and getting you to dance to his tune.

What do you actually do that he doesn't like and you have to apologise for? What makes him the king of everything? It's not normal to spend a lot of time apologising for what, quite petty things, possibly?

And the dumping you/threatening to dump you at the least provocation?

He sounds like he's well on the way to making you tread on eggshells, wondering what's going to set him off next.

malinkey · 23/02/2012 13:09

It's all rather controlling really.

Original poster

StarRose · 23/02/2012 13:23

I don't want to make it sound like he's the only one at fault, I know I have my issues and bring complications to the relationship. However, I do feel uncomfortable with him not speaking to me until I work out what is wrong. He was clearly upset about something the other morning, though he swears he wasn't, and I was trying to act normal around him. I offered to do something I usually do, but this time it was met with 'I can do it myself'. This kind of thing makes me back off, as I've tested the water and can see he's not backing down. It feels like he holds grudges, that it all builds up in him until he can't keep it in anymore. It then all blew up out of nowhere, and he ended up leaving me. He tells me I'm controlling. Maybe I do need to learn to say sorry more.

OP posts:

malinkey · 23/02/2012 13:27

Sounds like you need to say sorry less!

kodachrome · 23/02/2012 13:32

I think you'll find he's projecting.

Who's the one who is nervous, confused, trying to work out what they've done, second-guessing themselves and on the hop? That'd be you, then.

Who's the one ending it, acting the victim, doling out the silent treatment and graciously accepting your apologies? That'd be him. He's the one holding the puppet-strings here.

mojitomania · 23/02/2012 13:32

OP, you said that you live separately then if he starts all his childish manipulative behaviour tell "him" to leave until "he" comes to his senses and starts acting like an adult.

Stop letting him run rings round you.

To be perfectly honest the boy man sounds like an arse.

Or go your separate ways for a while ever.

Original poster

StarRose · 23/02/2012 13:34

What do I do that he doesn't like? I react to something he does or says (eg snapping at him) and then I don't say sorry. I 'push his buttons' which causes him to 'go quiet' - this is when he waits for me to work out what is wrong. I probably don't react in the best possible way as I see it as sulking or over reacting and I leave him to it. If he wants to sit the other side of the room and watch TV I let him. I guess I'm also a bit worried about approaching him (fear of rejection) but that doesn't just come from him, that comes from my past/childhood. He wants me to work out what it is I did and go to him and apologise, when we talked about this recently he said if I do that he'll calm down and things will be ok. I've yet to test that theory though.

OP posts:

Original poster

StarRose · 23/02/2012 13:38

He tells me he doesn't hold grudges, that I'm controlling and that I make out that I'm the victim. I'm not sure I agree with any of these statements.

OP posts:

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