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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can a relationship like this get better, or only worse?

43 replies

StarRose · 21/02/2012 17:02

Been with DP for almost 2 years. We're both single parents and live separately, an hour away from each other. We met and fell in love pretty quickly, however from very early on we've gone through patches of very explosive arguments. We have ended our relationship once, for a few weeks and then decided to try and work it out, although there have been quite a lot of times where we've been 'over' but got straight back together. One thing that has continued to bother me is that he will say it's over, and leave, or make me leave, only to calm down and decide he didn't mean it. We seem to be very similar when it comes to disagreements or misunderstandings and don't deal very well with feeling hurt by the other person. We both know we need to work on listening and understanding the other, and the way we react in these situations, but when it comes to it it all goes out the window and our response is the same as every other time. Although I love him and I know he loves me, I do sometimes wonder if we're wasting our time trying to make this work. It's been so rocky so far, we've never really had a honeymoon period that other couples talk about, and I can't help wondering if a relationship is meant to be this much hard work. People have told me that the more we get to know each other and the longer we've been together the easier it will get but I worry that they don't know the full extent of our arguments and that carrying on trying might just end up in more wasted years. I don't want to end it but I feel I need some kind of reassurance that it can get better!

OP posts:

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 23/02/2012 13:41

so he gives you the silent treatment.

And blames you for his choice to do so.

Keeps you guessing, and wrong-footed.

This man is not a keeper.

kodachrome · 23/02/2012 13:41

So let me get this straight...

He does or says something, which upsets you > you react or snap > you have to apologise.

So everything he does and says is art and acceptable then, even if it upsets you? Where is his responsibility in this?

mojitomania · 23/02/2012 13:41

Of course he's going to tell you you're the one in the wrong the control freak always does. Please send him packing for a while at least.

malinkey · 23/02/2012 14:27

What is it you get out of this relationship? What reason does he give for previous relationships ending out of interest?

From the little you've posted so far it does sound like he is controlling you with his moodiness and blaming you for everything. All this stuff about you being controlling and you having to second guess what his latest huff is about and if you don't do it well enough he leaves you is nonsense.

I think you give too much credence to what he says and not enough to what he does or for that matter to what you actually think. Why is he right? If what he says about you doesn't ring true to you then perhaps he is wrong!

Original poster

StarRose · 23/02/2012 14:58

His last relationship was whirlwind. I think the main reason it ended was she was 'cheating' - talking to her ex (her DSs dad) behind his back. Nothing physical though as the guy lives abroad. He's been very paranoid about this with me as it's a similar situation.

Apart from that he's only had one other serious relationship (about 18months) and a lot of women / short term things. He told me from early on that he can get jealous easily and I've certainly noticed this about him.

I've also noticed from things he's mentioned that he's very quick to end things if there's something he doesn't like, so very impulsive. He says he's been different with me as he wouldn't normally come back when he's ended it but he loves me so much and really does want it to work.

What do I get out of it? When it's all good, we have the best time. We can get on so well and it's great when we do. He's very caring and loving and supportive. Then comes all the sorry excuses... he loves me, which means a lot when you've had so many bad relationships, and I believe he won't cheat on me. My dd pretty much sees him as her dad (her own is crap). I do wonder if sometimes I stick with it as I desperately want the family unit that we pretend to be. But things like the fact we still haven't booked a holiday away for fear of it all ending in a massive blow out means we are actually a long way away from the way it should be.

I want us to work it out, but sometimes there's a niggle that just won't go away. And then I wonder if the reason it's not working, the reason he gets so upset, is that he can sense I'm not sure, that I don't put as much into it as I should...

OP posts:

YankNCock · 23/02/2012 15:14

I really don't think it should be this hard. Your gut is telling you the same.

malinkey · 23/02/2012 15:34

I don't think the reason he gets so upset is down to you. I bet he would do it to whoever he was with for whatever reason he happened to pick at any particular time.

Doesn't sound like he has a great track record - being jealous and constantly finding fault with people as a reason to end a relationship abruptly and always be in the right are worrying signs. Particularly as it sounds like you want stability - I think this is last thing you (and your DD) are going to get from him.

And what YankNCock said.

Original poster

StarRose · 23/02/2012 17:06

It's funny you say always be in the right - one of our biggest clashes is, and has always been, when he's telling me I'm wrong and I won't accept it, he doesn't know why I always think I'm right when I'm not.

And he absolutely hates it if I prove I'm right about something (eg google a fact that we've had a conversation about) - he has told me that he can believe what he wants and I shouldn't try to correct him (if he believed the earth was flat and I tried to show him otherwise he still wouldn't listen to me).

OP posts:

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 23/02/2012 17:08

counting the red flags here, Rose... It's not adding up to anything pretty.

Original poster

StarRose · 23/02/2012 17:11

And yes, I want stability, more than anything. When things are good between us and we're happy it really does feel like this is possible. But when he gets upset or angry with me it really does rock my world and I just want to retreat back to the safety of being single and on my own. I'm very self sufficient and independent. Sometimes I think he wants me to need him more than I do, and he feels hurt that I don't always want to spend every spare minute with him.

OP posts:

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 23/02/2012 17:48

"he's very quick to end things if there's something he doesn't like, so very impulsive"
No, actually he's being very controlling.
You sound rather needy and very unsure of yourself and he's training you to assume you're in the wrong, back down and walk on eggshells around him. He can scent your vulnerability.
Red flags all over, sorry.

TheLightPassenger · 23/02/2012 17:54

he sounds like a controlling pita. and you pretty much know it's doomed, as you don't want to risk even a holiday with him.

malinkey · 23/02/2012 18:11

I agree with him training you - most of your post seems to be about what he wants, what he feels etc - not about what you want. He's managed to make it all about him - in your head as well as his.

To go back to your original question, I would think a relationship like this will only get worse.

Sorry

kodachrome · 23/02/2012 18:12

It is actually extremely odd to say he wants to believe what he likes even if he's wrong and you shouldn't prove him wrong. I mean, that is choosing ignorance and choosing misinformation, rather than the truth (presumably especially if it comes through you).

So reality that doesn't fit with his version of how things are, is wrong in his opinion. And you should let his version of world go unchallenged, even when patently untrue? Not to mention, he has no respect for your opinion or knowledge base.

He may do this to you about actual trivia-type facts, but he is also doing it to you in a wider sense - thus you are the controlling one, and you are always wrong and at fault. He is telling you what he is like, through this.

And as someone says on here, when someone tells you what they are like, listen.

Your niggles are your instincts of self-preservation. Listen to them.

He had a problem with his ex talking to the father of her child. He is paranoid about your child's father (even if he isn't much in the picture). Those are worrying behaviours, because he cares more about his feelings than about putting dc first. Jealousy is not about love, it's about control, it's about power.

He is not a stable person. You will not get stability with him. It will not get better if you commit more and work harder at it. His demands will increase and get harder to satisfy, and you will always be on the backfoot. He has told you what he is like.

SorryMyLollipop · 23/02/2012 18:18

What everyone else has said: red flags, lots.

upahill · 23/02/2012 18:24

Your question at the beginning of the thread is Can a relationship like this get better or only worse.

The short answer is only worse.

Astronaut79 · 23/02/2012 18:27

GIve it up. I've had 4 long-term relationships. 3 of them started well - having fun, enjoying each other's company etc.

1 started fraught and got much, much worse.

I row like buggery with dh, but it's always on an equal foting and forgotten quickly. The bad relationchip was never like that.

something2say · 23/02/2012 18:29

I wonder at the bit where he is always getting upset over something.

That's going to lead to you walking on his eggshells....

I have had two boyfriends who liked to get in moods. I believe they just liked to humph about. I left both of them. I am not like that.

Watch out for 'You didn't do it how I liked it, so I am going to be in a mood and spoil the atmosphere and you have to guess, and THEN - the bit I like the most - you have to pander to my every whim. Soon this will extend to pretty much the whole relationship and you will stop daring to tread anywhere in case 'you' cause me to go in a huff.'

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