Getting cold feet. Or freezing feet more like!

[Beaverfeaver]

I am getting married in 4 months time and am starting to wonder if I should.
We have been together for 10 years and lived together for 6.
The closer the wedding gets, the more stressed I get.
I want him to talk to me about plans for the future with regards to starting a family and he refuses and says that he has no idea how he will feel in the future about children, and at the moment he definitly isn't ready.
I am already upset with him as when I have asked for his help with the planning he hasn't and I resent that. Especially as for me, the one thing I really would have loved for him to do is to book the honeymoon as a surprise in the traditional sense.
Am I asking too much?!

The thing that sticks out for me is I believe people entering marriage should agree on the big issues such as children, either wanting them or not. I know it's hard to look to the future and see what the both of you will want in a few years down the line but it will save a lot of heartache should one party decide they do and the other that they don't.

Why does he want to get married? And, more to the point, why do you?

I wanted to get married for a number of reasons.
To start a family
To take a step further in life
Because I am very traditional and want to be in a marriage

He apparantly wanted the same. But can't be bothered to talk to me about the future, which to me is more of a contradiction.

The children issue would be a massive one for me OP. I couldn't enter into a marriage with a man who 'wasn't sure' about having children. It just isn't good enough if having children if really important to you.

Whose idea was it to get married? What are your reasons for wanting to do so?

Not being ready for children yet is one thing - not having any idea about whether he wants children in the future is quite another.

I think you'd be mad to marry someone who's not on the same page as you with regards to children. MAD.

I know people who've broken up over one person never 'feeling ready' while the other one watched their fertile years disappearing. Get on the same page about it.

It wouldn't be stupid to got to Relate about this, imo. A marriage needs to be able to handle stress.

I was thinking about relate. I didnt realise it cost money to go to though.
Money is tight enough as it is.
I suppose it would be worth it though.
I will mention it to him this evening.

I'd really recommend going to get some pre-marital counselling. He sounds pretty immature to not be willing to talk about the shape of your future together... which doesn't bode well. LTR and marriage take willingness and humility from both parties, I'm not seeing that from him in what you describe.

How old are you both BTW?

we are both 26.
My concern isn't about needing to start a family straight away, it's that my goal would be to start trying in a year or two with the hope of having one before 30.
I don't see that as anything scary.

His response, is that it might happen if he feels ok with it when the time comes.

Am i being selfish to expect him to give me some sort of idea?

He says he feels like I am a spoilt cow in wanting things when I want them, and that i have to get my own way with things.
IMO i don't... I just don't see why he can tell me that he doesnt have to give me any idea at all.

You aren't being selfish to expect some sort of idea. Or, if you are, then you are being exactly as selfish as every sensible woman who's thinking of getting married ought to be.

"He says he feels like I am a spoilt cow in wanting things when I want them, and that i have to get my own way with things. "

Bloody hell. DH and I had some isshoooss in the run up to our wedding (long distance relationship that year, plus am commitmentphobic at the best of times) but he's ever said anything so rude to me, so outright insulting. Do you talk to him like that?

Being married is about agreeing on a few big things, imo. Like if/when you want children. You are thinking in the 'when' frame of mind and he is thinking in the 'if' frame of mind and that means right now that you don't agree about wanting children.

I don't think you're selfish for wanting to agree on this. I do think that he is using that accusation (the worst one to level at a woman! Oh, she's selfish!) to deflect from the fact that he's not on the same page as you about something which has the potential to be a deal-breaker.

Spend the money on Relate, not your wedding, or you might end up spending it on a divorce!. I think they do a sliding scale, btw, so it might be more affordable thank you think.

thanks blackcurrants. wise words, and i agree that spending it on relate would be a better use of the money.

i have never spoken to him like that.
i would like to say he never speaks to me like this either, but obviously he does. I dont think its the first time.
However, he was getting angry about me being upset with his vague response, and so maybe said it without thinking.

You have been together a long time, but you are both still quite young. Since you met you will both have grown up and maybe have different goals, different wants out of life.

People change a lot in their teens and 20's.. and I think you could both be in a rut and very "comfy" with each other, but neither have had a lot of experience. It is really common for this type of relationship to finish at this stage because you find that you have outgrown each other.

My stepdaughter was with someone from 15 until she was 25, and they were planning on getting married and were living together, and she got "cold feet". Four years later she is now very happily married to someone she met a few months after splitting with the long term boyfriend.

So if I were you I would really have an honest think, and a very frank talk with each other about the future before taking the next step.

In addition: He asks me why I want to have a child at 30.
My reason is that I don't want to leave it too long and then find that i cant conceive. That to me would cause resentment.
He said that its a silly reason, as fertility only starts going down, and there shouldnt be a problem, and if anything the problem could have happened earlier anyway, so you would never know if it was because you had waited.

I am starting to feel like I have wasted a long time being with this guy and seeing as we can't agree, I can't find a compromise. (Any compromise would have to come from me - he has told me that if we had a child early he would end up resenting it because he missed out on enjoying life before hand)

Yes. The more you say about him, the less of a prize he sounds, I'm afraid.

"he was getting angry about me being upset"

well what a lovely way to make sure you never express your displeasure with him.

Red flag! Red flag! Red flag!

Warm those chilly feet up by going for a long run ....away from this man.
He does not share your values and he does not value your opinions

I know leaving would be the right thing to do.
I am just so scared.
We have a mortgage and a house that could be hard to sell.

Yes! What Norks said!

He does not share your values and he does not value your opinions

You are very young, OP. I didn't meet maaah maaan till I was older than you. And if I'd married the boyfriend before him - aah, I shudder to think!

I dont think this sounds like a good basis for a mariage. Sorry OP.

I've been there with the cold feet ... and went through with it ... and spent ALOT of years 'sticking with it' thinking i'd probably done the wrong thing. In my case the reasons were less obvious than yours - more to do with basic lack of physical attraction to him, and ultimately i drifted away completely. Caused alot of heart ache.

If you were my daughter i'd advise calling it off and sorting this out

Oh dear, lack of communication will be the undoing of you i'm afraid and his reluctance to discuss your future plans together would prevent me from moving forward into marriage if I were you.

Did you start a thread recently about him proposing after you had asked for relationship help on here in a kind of "I told you so way" we're now getting married?

I'm probaly wrong and can't find it now but your name rings a bell.

Villagegossip - that wasn't me.

He proposed 2 years ago. It was wonderful and we had an excellent year of just being engaged.
All this started to go downhill when we started to plan.

He says he loves me, and I love him. I dont really beleive he loves me though, as he doesn't care enough to consider how I feel, or to think of me 1st before doing things (or not doing things)

I was with someone like this once. We split partly because we just couldn't agree on the same issue. 6 years later I have a three and a half year old and am a single parent, and he is married with a child under one after having his 'freedom' a wee bit longer. I regret nothing :) We weren't right for each other.
If you've been together so long and are the ages you are, you will both have changed a LOT over the course of your relationship as you both grew up. Could you also have grown apart and not noticed?

Oo er. If the thought "leaving would be the right thing to do" has just crossed your mind, then you really ought to be thinking about postponing your wedding, at the very least.

Getting yourselves off to Relate to discuss your joint long term goals sounds like a very sensible idea. You have to be on the same page when it comes to starting a family - whether it's now, in 3 years, or not at all.

Good luck.

If anything I really thought we had grown closer a year ago.
Things were going so well, and we were having a wonderful time going on nice holidays and planning other fun things.
We have a lot in common which always helps.

It really has been the last year that things have got worse. In peticular things have got considerably worse from the turn of the year. We had discussed cancelling the wedding then.

I just feel like I am so full of resentment at the moment due to his actions (or lack of actions) in the past 2-3 months, that I can't see past it, and everything looks bleak.

I know leaving would be the right thing to do.
I am just so scared.
We have a mortgage and a house that could be hard to sell.

You know leaving is the right thing to do, and you are still contemplating marriage and/or Relate?

I understand your fear. I do (I've been there). But you need to protect yourself, protect your sanity and protect your shot at living a decent life where you are treated with respect, and leave this man. It's OK to be afraid. Just feel the fear and do it anyway: that's what true courage is.

Mortgage schmortgage. It's only money. Your happiness is worth more.

Don't just go with the flow and end up married to him anyway because it's the easiest thing to do, and then be back here in five years with the same problem, except that then it might be children that you have in common with him. That is much messier to deal with when breaking up from this type of man.

Please please sort out the child issue. My brother is so desperate for children and his wife refuses to discuss the possibility of them ever having any. It really is such a massive issue. You could find yourself like him, married for 10 years with no prospect of any children in the future. It makes him really unhappy even though he loves his wife.
At least as a man he may have longer to have children whereas you could find yourself married for 10 years then too old to conceive. If you definately want children you need to sort this issue out at the very least.