Getting cold feet. Or freezing feet more like!

[Beaverfeaver]

I am getting married in 4 months time and am starting to wonder if I should.
We have been together for 10 years and lived together for 6.
The closer the wedding gets, the more stressed I get.
I want him to talk to me about plans for the future with regards to starting a family and he refuses and says that he has no idea how he will feel in the future about children, and at the moment he definitly isn't ready.
I am already upset with him as when I have asked for his help with the planning he hasn't and I resent that. Especially as for me, the one thing I really would have loved for him to do is to book the honeymoon as a surprise in the traditional sense.
Am I asking too much?!

beaver, I think you know the answer, it's not just the children issue (which is such a massive issue that it eclipses everything else to me), it's the problems with communication etc. Life over the next sixty years won't be 'fun' all the time, and this is your first real test of difficulties, where one person wants one thing and another something else (and this is what happens in marriage, one wants a bigger house, to move, to go abroad, to have a third child and the other doesn't).

I think you know that if you were discussing postponing the marriage at Christmas, and you are writing about your freezing feet a couple of months later, for goodness sake, postpone the wedding. It might help clarify what you/he want and you can work it through, perhaps you might split up.

I also think he's not remotely on board about children because he's not even saying 'in a few years time' which is what being 30 will be for you. However, plenty of women have started out with unsure men, or men who don't really want children, or men who have changed their minds and perhaps they will disagree, but I would feel very uncomfortable with this given having a family is a massively important life goal for you (and perhaps not for him right now).

PS: 26 is SO YOUNG! Your chance at having children and a family will NOT wither away if you leave this disrespectful malingerer.

If you do have a family with him, it won't be a happy one. Not worth it, just for the sake of ticking the "married" and "children" boxes.

Yes, it's frightening to change your life and your plans to this degree - you've been with him since a teenager, so this is what you know. I understand. But there IS a better life out there for you. And it does not include a man who ignores your feelings, name-calls and belittles you.

What were the reasons for you discussing cancelling the wedding, what was his opinion on the matter and did you decide how to move forward so you were both happy to go ahead?

It does sound like he's backtracking a bit, do you think he meant the proposal to lead to a wedding - I know it sounds odd but some people don't see past the engagement IYSWIM

Oops sorry - that's me getting confused!

Look the run up to a wedding is incredibly stressfull and he should be helping you ease that but is shutting down instead. You really need to talk to him without pressure and ask where the fun has gone.

Get out in the fresh air together for a walk and really talk about what you both want and maybe put the wedding on hold for a while to see if you can get back on track. You are in this together and it should be a really exciting time for you both!

Good luck

Is it just that you have got rather bogged down with the "wedding" as opposed to the marriage?
Have you discussed having children in the past? Was it just a vague "sometime in the distant future" type subject.

If your cold feet are honestly not down to you getting a bit precious about the wedding and him resenting it, take your feelings seriously. You have been together a long time, for a period when each individual changes considerably. You were right for each other as teenagers but are you right for each other now?

Put the wedding on hold for the time being and think seriously about relate.

Hang on a sec ...

if we had a child early he would end up resenting it because he missed out on enjoying life before hand

If you want children, my love, you want a man who doesn't see children as death to an enjoyable life. Get someone who enjoys children, loves responsibility and wants an actual family not just coupledom.

He's been telling you who he is for some years now. Your feet are telling you whether you want to marry that person.

Yup, always listen to your gut. Or feet

Your body knows what your mind would like to ignore.

Btw, 'cold feet' is a myth imo - having had them (twice!) There's nerves, or stage fright, and then there's that horrid feeling of battling your instincts because you feel you "should" and other people want to believe you're just nervous. If I'd realised how supportive people actually are if you call a wedding off, I wouldn't have battled mine so hard. You have instincts for a good reason, you know :)

OP I said at the start you have to agree on issues surrounding children and I speak from personal experience. My exp and I had different views on wanting children. I wanted them and he didn't. I resented him for not wanting kids and like you I wanted children before I was 30 (we were together ten years). It so happens that I fell pregnant at 28 and then exp resented that. A common comment of his was that I should feel lucky because men can run off .

I'm not saying he doesn't love our ds. He adores him but fatherhood full-time is not for him. He was (and still is) more intent in partying and living his life as he had done pre-fatherhood which is one of the reasons I walked out on him. Our ds is a happy well-adjusted little boy but I sometimes feel guilty that he has to live between two seperate houses and lives.

I'd be very careful about marrying this man. He doesn't sound exactly keen if he refuses to talk about important long term plans. You aren't young for very long, and you can't get those years back.

You have a mortgage together, so it's not like you're going to be homeless. It'll be tricky until you sell the house, but calling off the wedding might give you the breathing space you both obviously need.