Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tactfully addressing DH's smells and lack of grooming??

52 replies

Writergirl · 21/02/2012 08:24

I love my DH and he has loads of good points.

However, he hasn't got the most rigorous personal hygiene regime.

He has a shower every day, but doesn't use soap.
He brushes his teeth once a day, but to be perfectly frank, he has quite bad breath a lot.
He never clips his toenails, just rips them off or leaves them long, and then they'l scratch me when I get into bed.
He's 45 and frankly sometimes he smells like my grandfather used to.
He doesn't have BO, but does smell pretty strong, I think.
Frankly, I never see him wash his hands, either before preparing a meal or after being out and about all day.

Also, he generally just doesn't look after himself - he has rashes and verucas on his feet, which he picks at and doesn't treat.

It is becoming a problem as I am reluctant to kiss him and get physically close to him, and he's obviously getting a vibe.

I find it very hard to raise difficult subjects and am stuck as to how to address this tactfully. To be honest an ex-colleague did raise the breath thing with him once, in a crazy brutal way, and he made a few changes, so he'll know it isn't new.

I am sad that we are missing out on intimacy, as other than that he is a fantastic bloke, he dresses smartly and fashionably, but I know that if he took better care of himself I'd be more physical towards him, especially with initiating kissing.

Any constructive remarks very welcome.

Thanks!

OP posts:
garlicfrother · 21/02/2012 08:28

What does he say about why he doesn't use shower gel, wash his hands or cut his nails?

Snakeonaplane · 21/02/2012 08:34

I think you just need to tell him, if your significant other can't tell you then who can? I'm pretty blunt with my dh at times and just say, you honk or god your breath stinks, he survives and knows to brush his teeth if he fancies any action. There's a running joke in our house that when dh was in school he was told that when breaking bad news a cup of tea helps to ease the pain, so now whenever I'm about to tell him he stinks I just have to say 'put the kettle on'. Works both ways and I would hope he would be honest with me, I'd be mortified to be smelly.

Original poster
Writergirl · 21/02/2012 08:35

This is it - I haven't raised it, I've just noticed it! I don't know how to bring it up tactfully!

The other day when he was going away I said "ooh - I've got some really nice travel sized shower gel you can take" - he was like - 'salright, don't really use shower gel"... I'm kinda left speechless..

mostly because I'm not v assertive and / or have to think about how to say things in the right way, so I won't say anything off the cuff.

OP posts:
garlicfrother · 21/02/2012 08:37

Dear lord, how long have you been together? You can't say "Well, you should (use shower gel)"??

Are you scared of him?

GetTheeToANunnery · 21/02/2012 08:38

Just be honest without being harsh, sometimes people need to hear it without any pussy footing around.
If he goes to kiss you, say no thanks, your breath smells. Could you wash your hands before preparing that meal?
It's just telling the truth.

OneHandFlapping · 21/02/2012 08:38

I don't think tact will cut it here. You need to be blunt - and tell him sex is off the menu until he shapes up.

I'm just surprised you married him - and presumably have had sex with him in the past. He sounds disgusting.

GetTheeToANunnery · 21/02/2012 08:39

X post.
Tell him he should be using shower gel cos he reeks. You won't get anywhere by not raising the issue

rubyrubyruby · 21/02/2012 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snakeonaplane · 21/02/2012 08:45

Honestly I really wouldn't over think this, it'll be worse if he thinks you've been thinking this for ages and not saying anything. He mustn't realise so when he he gives you a cuddle just say god your pits stink or I fancy a snog but your breath is really bad, he may be offended for a split second but he'll get over it. Much better than a colleague sitting you down to tell you.

When he says he doesn't use shower gel just say 'well perhaps it's time you started'

Original poster
Writergirl · 21/02/2012 08:47

We're not married yet. Been together 7 years. Things like this make me hesitate!

I'm not scared of him, I'm not good at being direct. He probably won't mind.

I am thinking of couching it in a 'talk' but maybe that's not a good idea.

What are your DH's hygiene habits, out of interest - so I can get a gauge on other blokes???

OP posts:
Snakeonaplane · 21/02/2012 08:49

Tbh honest I'd be much more offended if dh started buying me shower gel and giving me breath mints, I'd get very self conscious or worse again to sit me down and talk to me about it. I'd think he'd been worrying about it for ages as you're doing and I'd hate to think he found me unattractive.

garlicfrother · 21/02/2012 08:54

Lol, never mind DHs, I've told blokes I've only just met it's not going in me until he's washed it!

Bonsoir · 21/02/2012 08:57

You need to make an appointment for him with the dentist, and you need to prep the dentist to give him a good talking to.

Make an appointment for him with a podiatrist (it sounds as if he really needs it) and ditto.

Run him a bath and wash him, all over, yourself with a flannel and soap, scrubbing! Wash his hair for him.

Show him what to do because he obviously doesn't have a clue!

garlicfrother · 21/02/2012 08:57

Try:
"I bought this shower gel for you. Use it please."
"Your horrid raggy toenails are scratching me, please cut them."
"Phew! You'd better brush those teeth, young man!"
"Wash your hands, you filthy git."
:)

bunnyfrance · 21/02/2012 08:58

Well, to answer your question Writergirl, my DH showers and washes his hair every morning, uses shower gel, shaves, uses deoderant... he brushes his teeth twice a day. He goes to a podiatrist from time to time for his feet.

HTH

Bonsoir · 21/02/2012 08:58

Why would you marry a 45 year old who has obviously given up on personal maintenance and is becoming a grotty old man?

Amaretti · 21/02/2012 09:07

Same as for a woman really - daily shower and hair wash, more if he goes to the gym. Twice daily toothbrushing.

oldwomaninashoe · 21/02/2012 09:10

Why don't you get in the shower with him?
Show him how its done Wink

Tell him afterwards when he's all full of anticipation, that there's no action until the teeth are cleaned and flossed and spray him liberally with deodorant, he'll soon get the message!

Really why pussyfoot round him it is basically unreasonable and if you can't tell your nearest and dearest who can you tell?

Helltotheno · 21/02/2012 09:11

OP my dh has a proper full shower every day, either just before work or (at weekends) after exercising etc. I'm assuming he clips his nails tidily cos I don't see any laying about and woudn't want to. Breathwise... well to be honest I'm unbelievably paranoid about oral hygiene/breath and that, coupled with an acute sense of smell means my breath standards are too high so I'm not a good judge of that.. Dh definitely brushes his teeth, probably no more than twice a day, but nobody can brush their teeth enough for me!!

Sorry but your dh sounds gross and unless you're very direct, things won't improve and he's already proven that things may not improve anyway because he hasn't really shaped up after his colleague had a go at him. Surely an objective person calling him on his hygiene would be enough to make him do a complete turnaround, the embarassment of it alone?!

Are you sure about this guy op?

21YrOldMan · 21/02/2012 09:15

I spend the least time on personal hygiene of anyone I know.

I brush my teeth twice a day. I shower twice a week (with shower gel and conditioner!!)- monday and thursday. Would shower 3x a week but I do heavy lifting on sundays so seems a bit of a waste. Deodorant every day, my finger and toe nails are in good condition, I wash my hands regularly. My feet are fine- I would get rid of varruca's etc pronto because they're just gross.

Most importantly I recognise that my personal hygiene may be a bit lacking, and my DP knows that she should tell me if I smell, as I don't want to smell. But I seem to get away with doing the above without smelling :)

My advice would be to tell him bluntly as he doesn't sound like the kind of many that does subtle. It's clearly weirding you out and I can't blame you!

smallwhitecat · 21/02/2012 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

garlicfrother · 21/02/2012 09:18

Umm, please don't resort to teaching him how to clean himself Shock He's 45, not 5.

Bonsoir · 21/02/2012 09:24

It doesn't matter what age he is. If he doesn't know, he needs teaching.

If you didn't learn to ski at 5 and were 45 and wanted to learn to ski, would you employ a teacher or would you just say "I'm 45 and can therefore teach myself." Wink

SunRaysthruClouds · 21/02/2012 09:25

OP don't faff about just tell him he smells. He's 45 and should be able to deal with it and more importantly should want to make it nicer for you (both).

If shower gel isn't the way forward then there is always that old fashioned thing called soap.

squeakytoy · 21/02/2012 09:27

I said "ooh - I've got some really nice travel sized shower gel you can take" - he was like - 'salright, don't really use shower gel"

After 7 years together you ought to be able to TELL him he stinks, not skirt around it... likewise with the other issues, if the ragged toenails are scratching you...then say something.