Tactfully addressing DH's smells and lack of grooming??

[Writergirl]

I love my DH and he has loads of good points.

However, he hasn't got the most rigorous personal hygiene regime.

He has a shower every day, but doesn't use soap.
He brushes his teeth once a day, but to be perfectly frank, he has quite bad breath a lot.
He never clips his toenails, just rips them off or leaves them long, and then they'l scratch me when I get into bed.
He's 45 and frankly sometimes he smells like my grandfather used to.
He doesn't have BO, but does smell pretty strong, I think.
Frankly, I never see him wash his hands, either before preparing a meal or after being out and about all day.

Also, he generally just doesn't look after himself - he has rashes and verucas on his feet, which he picks at and doesn't treat.

It is becoming a problem as I am reluctant to kiss him and get physically close to him, and he's obviously getting a vibe.

I find it very hard to raise difficult subjects and am stuck as to how to address this tactfully. To be honest an ex-colleague did raise the breath thing with him once, in a crazy brutal way, and he made a few changes, so he'll know it isn't new.

I am sad that we are missing out on intimacy, as other than that he is a fantastic bloke, he dresses smartly and fashionably, but I know that if he took better care of himself I'd be more physical towards him, especially with initiating kissing.

Any constructive remarks very welcome.

Thanks!

Announce that the next shag is a special one. Put some smelly candles out and tell him you are doing the full prep - shower, GEL, etc. and tell him to do the same. Alternatively, drag him into the bathroom with you as somebody else suggested. Make an event of it. Afterwards, tell him that's the way it always should be, "we don't one to be one of those couples who let things slip, do we?".

Also, one reason for smelly breath is a mouth full of teeth that need fillings and other attention. Send him to the dentist, "DH, i was there so i booked you in too", if you must be tactful about it.

Oh dear. I have the opposite problem. Sort of. There are still issues even though he's always very clean himself.
My DH would has four baths/showers a day when he's on holiday but always at least two. He likes to soak the bathmat and use towels just the once. I am constantly retrieving them from the laundry basket. I have enough washing to do.
His idea of a fab birthday present is a trip to the dentist (no - really - he's done this a few times!) He brushes his teeth twice, twice a day (we have a sonic toothbrush which is set to 2 minutes, so he has one round then starts again)
He clips his toenails down to the quick (cringe) but then leaves the clippings on the table (double cringe) I will not let him touch the DS's nails because he does it too short.
He blows his nose obsessively (paaaaarp) but then drops the tissues down the side of the bed where they stay for weeks. Wont use the bin I leave there for them.
He flosses his teeth religiously (great) in bed (gross) and again drops the floss down the side of the bed (yak)
He is a mass of contradictions! (I'd LOL but some of these habits I just detest so much)

My OH showers 3 times a week, brushes teeth twice a day, deo every day, clean clothes every day. He doesn't smell, but on the rare occasion I can smell his pits I say 'eww,your pits smell'. His feet are fine and his hands are a little rough due to work but does use hand cream every day. I would just tell him straight, I'm suprised you don't feel able to when you've been together for 7 years!

All the advice here is spot on, just be quite direct, not rude and say 'you have been smelling a bit lately, perhaps you should start to use shower gel'.

People do have different ideas about hygeine, my husband comes from a different culture in which body hair is dealt with differently. I have not changed my ways to his, but I am more considerate about a couple of things he has mentioned. I think in a long-term relationship, you should be able to be frank about this type of thing, and if he smells after a hard day at work, I would tell him (although as he showers daily, it's actually quite a nice smell and I don't mind it!)

OMG thanks for your replies, and at least you made me laugh!

The topic actually came out naturally this morning, so I've raised the breath thing, no big deal.

I should've taken the bull by the horns and thrown the whole lot in, but I wimped out, so now I'll have to address soaping the pits and tackling nails separately - doh.

I don't understand why he smells like a grandad - I don't want him ponging of synthetic deodorant, I really think its down to not using soap enough.

Personally I'd prefer an 'Art, get yourself in the shower and soap properly' or whatever to a big talk. A big talk makes it sound worse and more worrying whereas a quick 'you stink' makes it sound like not a big deal and fixable!

Did his parents not teach him how to wash properly? Some parents don't and people can grow up not knowing how to clean their teeth, wipe their bum etc

I reckon the Grandad smell is unclean, unscrubbed skin - like build up of sebum and dead skin cells. Is he changing his underwear and shirt everyday? Washing the clothes with good quality biological washing powder/liquid and a strong conditioner like Lenor will also help a lot. In the UK there is Bold 2 in 1 Lavender and camomile - can't get it over here :( - but thats really strong and its lovely.

Get him flossing as well - that will get rid of the dead corpse / egg / poo smell which is bits of stuff caught between the teeth - yuck!

Oh god - its a minefield.

We can talk about anything - its just me that is terrible at being direct. It takes my days to think about how to say something, for fear of offending.

Yes, clear shirt & undies every day, thank god.
Yes, good detergent + conditioner.

It's true though, washing hands is just a good habit, perhaps instilled in childhood - I was staggered after we'd both been out for a very long 14 hour working day to a big city + shaking hands throughout business meetings + trains + tube etc, that at the end of the day he just got into bed without a wash. It is rank, not to mention an invitation to getting ill.

I felt filthy, and although I didn't jump in the shower, I certainly washed my hands throughout the day, and had a good old wash before bed!

How can I ask a 45 year old bloke to start cutting his toenails properly, though? If he already doesn't care and it doesn't occur to him, it just won't be on his natural radar.

Writergirl - a professional pedicure! And, by the sounds of it, his feet need some medical attention, so a proper consultation with a podiatrist is completely in order.

OK, my personal regime: daily shower, 2-3 times teeth, hair 2x weekly, and occasional hand-washing during the day, always after the loo and before cooking. Nails kept very short.

THis is not obsessive, it's normal. And if my breath smells, or there's dandruff, or earwax, my missus tells me straight, bless 'er.

My Dh showers everyday with soap and shampoos hair, cleans teeth, puts on deoderant and clean clothes every day. Cuts toenails when they needs doing over a waste bin. Always washes hands after visiting the loo or preparing food and flosses teeth at least every other day.

He smells lovely.

Have a shower or bath together and scrub your Dh down with a massage sponge loaded with shower gel.

My DH is the same as yours redruby. Plus we have a rule that everyone coming into the house washes their hands to wash the grime of the city off. Interestingly we don't get ill - whether that is coincidence or not I couldn't say.

I don't understand how any normally active adult can get away with not having a shower every day. Here's the thing: you might not think you smell cos you can't smell it yourself and people don't usually tell others these things.

OP I don't know how you can tolerate any physical contact at all. Now that you've broached the mouth bit, just throw out the rest all in one go.

its interesting that the replies in here are very different from the other thread where the man is worried his wife is fat.

Can't see advice like "OP don't faff about" in that one, yet both threads are about what an individual chooses to do with their body.

My husband hates the smell of perfumed soap or deodorants, but he never smells even though he has a physical job. He uses unperfumed products though. Right Guard do an unperfumed spray, and in 12 years I can honestly say my husband has never smelled sweaty at all. He just hates the smell of artificial scents. He rarely wears aftershave too.... its quite odd in a way, he just doesnt have any smell at all to him.. and I have a really good sense of smell so its not me who doesnt notice it.

Current DP is super clean (and if I'm honest a bit if a tart - he has more products than me in the shower!) but I had a stinky ex who used to go 5 or more days without showering, but I used to tell him straight out "you stink!!". He always took it ok and skulked off for a bath.
Then I wondered why when he started showering twice a day .... You guessed it - he was shagging someone else!!!
I was so offended that he thought she was worth showering for whereas I was just the drudge at home

joom, being overweight does not really affect anyone else in the same way that someone who smells does though.. and getting clean is an instant fix, which losing weight isnt.. I can see the differences. If OP was posting that she was worried about her husband's weight, I would have expected and hoped to see the same responses that a man got when talking about his wife.

Have a look in this thread;
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1410279-Wife-getting-fat-I-am-getting-upset-and-worried?msgid=30199698#30199698

MagicDad needs to broach the subject of his Mrs gaining weight, which rather than being simply unpleasant, can have serious health issues.

The advice in there is (mostly) 'pussyfoot round her and/or leave her be, you insensitive male pig.' So I guess the same would apply here. Sorry, Writergirl, you are stuck with it.

Don't faff with "a talk" keep it light and just tell him he's scratching you / his breath honks etc

writergirl, you can explain to him that using a shower without soap is like drinking hot water and expecting it to taste like tea.

Soap or shower gel actually removes the dirt, germs and dead skin cells (which everyone produces) because skin is watertight. Bad oral hygiene could affect his overall health as there is a clear link between gum disease and cardiac problems. It sounds like his feet need attention too.

I think you have to explain that his health is at risk if he doesn't change his stinky habits. It doesn't matter how he dresses or how charming he is, if he's smelly you won't be attracted to him!

Did you have to get in bed with him when he didn't wash his hands? Oh god no... Does he try and touch you? AAARGH!

How come he isn't always getting conjunctivitus? I had to carry hand disinfectant with me when I used to use the tube every day or I got it all the time.

If you ever have a baby he wouldn't be able to carry on like this, its better to sort it out now. Gird up your loins Writer !

The weight thing is a bit different in that weight gain is caused by loads of different things not all of which a person has control over. If Writers boyfriend had a medical condition that made him smelly then I definitely wouldn't be boaking and advising her to tell him to sort it out.

Writers boyfriend just needs to adopt some more modern washing customs which isn't difficult or expensive and something he has complete control over.

Writer's
(I was off school on apostrophe day.)

If my bloke smells I tell him he smells, same if he needs a shve or his toenails scratch me. Not sure how you've avoided addressing the issue for so long. I presume he didn't smell when you got together. What has changed?
I will sometimes insist my bloke showers before getting into bed with me.

'and something he has complete control over.'

Sorry. I was assuming that MagicDad's wife was not being force fed. My mistake. Weight gain is usually caused by eating more food than your body needs. It can be that simple.

Anyway, don't mean to trivialise Writer's problem here. Tell him to sort himself out. It's pretty rank, and not something you should have to put up with. He's a big boy, so don't spare his feelings. Honesty and straight speaking are what is required.

Sanjeev overeating is certainly a cause of some people's weight gain but however the weight got there, you must admit, its easier to rub a bar of soap over ones body than to shift excess fat