Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I warn him?

50 replies

UpAbovetheStreetsandHouses · 20/02/2012 22:40

n/c but happy to answer questions about mn, I am here lots Grin
Dh has history for forming emotional relationships with other women, online but also in rl.
He has been talking loads about a woman in work, lots of texts and contact. He has already said that there is nothing to worry about, that she is just a friend and described her to me in not very complimentary terms (her looks)
After the last time I told him that I would not put up with this, if it happens again goodbye.
Do you reckon I should warn him or just wait and see what happens?

OP posts:
SquashedSquirrel · 20/02/2012 22:42

Why would you warn him (again)? I would just get rid.

hisgentletouch · 20/02/2012 22:44

I believe that some men can really be just friends with women, especially if they are themselves slightly on the feminine side mentally (emotional etc). I'd draw the line at his exes though.

catsareevil · 20/02/2012 22:59

What do you mean by 'emotional' - a close friendship doesnt have to be an issue.

tbh though the telling you (unprompted?) that there is nothing to worry about, and criticising her appearence would have me Hmm

AnyFucker · 20/02/2012 23:02

how do you bring yourself to stay married to such a stupid man ?

what awful hot water would he get himself into if you weren't around to keep him in line, eh ?

akaemmafrost · 20/02/2012 23:06

Grin AF. Probably the bluntest response I have read on here tonight.

AnyFucker · 20/02/2012 23:12

but, emma, unfortunately an appropriate response

it doesn't however convey any sympathy for the OP, which I do have, in spades

akaemmafrost · 20/02/2012 23:15

I know, I did get that it was the first question that made me Grin but it's not funny at all Sad.

I have known these doughnut, self indulgent men who are given to little infatuations that they convince themselves are harmless while causing great pain to their significant other. I feel for you OP.

AnyFucker · 20/02/2012 23:19

I do think that these short, sharp shocks of how an unbiased stranger views your situation can be painful, but ultimately helpful

there have certainly been examples of my own self-sabotaging behaviour in the past that if someone had said "what the fuck are you doing ?" I might have had second thoughts

then again, maybe not

Original poster
UpAbovetheStreetsandHouses · 20/02/2012 23:38

wow af that was harsh.
I stay because I don't know any different. He was myfirst boyfriend. I stay because I have horrible unremitting depression and would not cope on my own. I stay because we have a child who is severely autistic. I stay because basically the idea of being on my own is fucking terrifying.
thank you

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 20/02/2012 23:41

Well if you've decided to stay with him, you need to work on accepting that he's going to carry on having these 'emotional involvements'. Because he is going to carry on. He sees no reason to stop; you won't leave him and he can either promise to be a good boy or just tune out your complaints.

squeakytoy · 20/02/2012 23:42

Are they just friends or is there actually flirting going on? It is possible for a man to have female friends, just as it is possible for a woman to have male friends without any sexual or romantic feelings being involved, and for them just to be mates.

CervixWithASmile · 20/02/2012 23:46

OP, all those reasons are situational vs. any that relate to having a relationship worth saving with someone you love.

I think you probably have your answer.

historyrepeats · 20/02/2012 23:47

How many times do I need to say dump the bastard on mn today. Hmm

AnyFucker · 20/02/2012 23:51

like I said, maybe not helpful

drip feeding salient facts will swing it one way or another too, I find

AnyFucker · 20/02/2012 23:52

OP, no matter what your other problems, your husband is a stupid man who will fuck up your life if you do not police his behaviour

I am not sure that is an overly harsh thing to say

Original poster
UpAbovetheStreetsandHouses · 21/02/2012 00:00

I did'nt think I was drip feeding. I would be here a good while if I was to tell you the whole story.
We have been together for 18 years.
Look I perhaps should'nt have posted this, it certainly has'nt helped.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/02/2012 00:02

You absolutely should post it, but you do have to be prepared to hear things that you might not like

AnyFucker · 21/02/2012 00:03

and I am off to bed now, so perhaps some posters that have a style more suited to your own will come along now

good luck to you

squeakytoy · 21/02/2012 00:06

Do you not think that his behaviour (no matter how innocent even if it is, because it upsets you), is part of the root cause of your depression?

There is nothing wrong with people have friends of the opposite sex, but when it is clearly causing distress to the person they are meant to love, then it is wrong if they continue to do it without caring that they are hurting someone.

Would he go if you told him to go?

PurplePidjin · 21/02/2012 00:07

How linked are your depression and his shitty treatment of you?

Original poster
UpAbovetheStreetsandHouses · 21/02/2012 00:22

Yes it is linked to my depression but then other things are as well. The fact that I have never really spoken about it before is why this has upset me so much. Just feel a bit of an idiot. I know it's not right but to actually be strong and reflective is difficult.
No he would'nt leave, it would become very nasty and pathetically will I ever be strong enough to insist I dont know

OP posts:
izzyizin · 21/02/2012 00:30

They say that marriage is an 'institution' and it sure sounds as if you've allowed yourself to become institutionalised.

After the last time I told him that I would not put up with this, if it happens again goodbye

From what you've said, it's happened again and if you don't make good on your ultimatum and kiss him off 'goodbye' he'll get the message that you're a pushover and it'll keep on happening.

Btw, none of the reasons you've cited are sufficient grounds to stay with an out an out asshole. You had a life before you met him and you will certainly have life after him.

In fact, I wouldn't be at all surprised if your quality of life improves 100%+ once you've learned to stand on your own two feet. I mean, come on, honey, what you gonna do if - heaven forfend - he suddenly pops his clogs? Commit suttee or dial 999 whenever you want a lightbulb changed?

Of course you won't. You'll draw on your inner resources and get on with it, just like millions of women all over the world do every day.

Why not put the fear of god into him tell him to take a hike for a while and get some practice in?

artang · 21/02/2012 00:59

Hi, I truely understand your feelings.Its sad,especially when you have lived with him for so long and trusted him.Its good to talk about it and do not keep it in your heart.

Original poster
UpAbovetheStreetsandHouses · 21/02/2012 01:21

but the problem is izzy, he has'nt done anything suspect that I know of this time.
I really do appreiciate all of these replies, even if some of them have been difficult to hear.
Thank you.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 21/02/2012 02:01

He has been talking loads about a woman in work, lots of texts and contact - to your mind it may not have 'happened again' but surely you can't deny that it's in process of happening?

I see no harm in you throwing a shot across his bows reminding him of the promised consequences if he gives you cause to believe he's become overly involved with yet another ow even though, IMO, he already is.

He seems to have covered his tracks attempted to assure you that she can't compete with you looks-wise. Has he got any staff do's to which you may be invited coming up, or maybe you can surprise him call in at his place of employment just before lunch and express your interest in being introduced to this woman since he talks about her so

Swipe left for the next trending thread