Should I warn him?

[UpAbovetheStreetsandHouses]

n/c but happy to answer questions about mn, I am here lots
Dh has history for forming emotional relationships with other women, online but also in rl.
He has been talking loads about a woman in work, lots of texts and contact. He has already said that there is nothing to worry about, that she is just a friend and described her to me in not very complimentary terms (her looks)
After the last time I told him that I would not put up with this, if it happens again goodbye.
Do you reckon I should warn him or just wait and see what happens?

If you know that you wont see it through then why did you say that you will leave if he does it again?

He behaved in a way that caused you to lose your trust in him. He has not behaved in a way designed to regain that trust.

I would expect that, like many people, your depression would be a whole world less severe if you weren't constantly surrounded by a negative environment...

Completely what Bogeyface said!
What is the point of warning him with empty threats.
He knows it is an empty threat, you know it is an empty threat, therefore there is no point.
You can tell him that his behaviour makes you uncomfortable, that you don't like it, that it affects your mood.
But ultimately if you do not feel emotionally strong enough to carry any threats out, don't bother.

ok, you are right, I know that. I should'nt issue threats unless i'm prepared to carry them out.
This all just reinforces my belief of how I am not worth it.
It really is a case of sort things out or put up and shut up. It's hard to do the right thing and change habits of a lifetime.

So he describes this woman as a friend then slags off her appearance to you? Nice man.
He is telling you she is not good looking so that you believe he would not go there romantically - this also speaks volumes about his attitudes to women tbh. But in any case its designed to put you off the scent. I would be very surprised if something wasnt already going on, or at the very least he is trying it on - lots of texts and contact by your own admission. Him 'talking loads' about her is another sure sign that he fancies her
I don't think that this type of man would court a friendship only relationship with a woman and I think you know this.
I really hope you find the strength to cope with this situation. If you dont he will carry on this way for the rest of your lives together. Have you anyone in RL you can talk to about your situation?

No, I don't have anyone in rl to talk to.
I don't go out unless I have to, shopping, school and stuff.
I think perhaps it may be best for me to leave this thread alone now if anything it has just reiterated my uselessness.

OP - would it help to see your GP and ask for some counselling?
It may really help to talk things through with a professional who's impartial

UpAbove, you're not useless -that's the slant your own insecurities are bringing to the advice posted here. Work out where those insecurities have come from and you can start to counter them.

You say you have no RL support. Are you new in your area? Is it too much hassle to go out, either because you're depressed or because he guilt trips you? Or, did you have friends before and they've drifted?

There must be other parents at the school gate, or your children's friends parents, do you get on well with any and could arrange to meet for coffee?

An example of how people don't mind being confided in: There's a lady who I see weekly at a class at the gym. We've met maybe a handful of times for a few minutes before the class starts. She has teenagers and her martiage is in trouble. She has confided in me because I'm a (friendly) stranger and not going to judge. Do I mind? No! She needs to talk about it, I'm happy to listen. In fact, I'm flattered she thinks I can help.

People will surprise you, please don't be scared to ask an acquaintance to listen for 10 minutes.

Are you getting any treatment for your depression? Maybe you should work on that with your gp - if you're on meds/having counselling already and not feeling any better, then perhaps the dosage needs adjusting or a different form or therapy/different counsellor would suit you better.

You're not useless, honey, you're understandably feeling ground down and defeated because the self-absorbed twat just doesn't stop rubbing your nose in it, does he?

You've mentioned that you suffer from depression? Have you asked your GP to refer you for counselling or prescribe a course of anti-d's? If not, do make an appointment and start getting the help you need to overcome some of your dispiritedness.

If you are feeling conflicted by past and present unresolved issues, it may be that you will find EFT (emotional freedom technique) helpful. Go to youtube, search Brad Yates videos, and select a subject that feels relevant to you.

All you need to do repeat Brad's words and movements as you watch. It only takes a few minutes and you can work your way through the whole lot in one go if you want - or choose to work on a particular issue once or more a day until you begin to feel an inner 'shift' in your outlook and attitude.

If you're not sure where to start, I recommend 'tap o' the morning' for an instant feelgood fix.

Btw, please don't abandon this thread - come back whenever you're in need of the bracing air of harsh reality and the occasional kind word! I especially would like to know how you get on with Brad... I imagine that he'd be the ideal guy to chew the fat with while sitting on a deserted beach or admiring a spectacular view, or simply over morning coffee and orange juice.

I tried the tap o'the morning izzy and liked it, felt a lot calmer afterwards and had a kip as ds was up most of the night. Thank you for recommending it.
I am on the waiting list for cbt, like most places there is a tier system and it takes a good while (3 years) to get to the decent stuff.
I am on a good hefty dose of anti- depressants and my GP is good, in fact thinking about it I am more open with my gp than anyone else.
Thanks Purple, no i've lived here all my life and i'm sure people would be happy to listen to me, it's me that does'nt want to talk hence posting on here thought it maybe easier typing than talking.

It stings a bit to hear the raw truth UpAbove , but I would like to say I really admire the way you are rolling with the punches so far. You really ought to keep on posting, it's the best way I know to start putting your head back on. Whenever my behaviours and beliefs are challenged I almost go into shock for a while before I can process things before I accept them. CBT was great for me in this respect, I expect it will be for you too.

Although one conversation with AF would probably have done the job more quickly..... I do love her, in my head she's like Judge Judy.

UpAbove don't let your thoughts of worthlessness paralyse you. Those thoughts aren't accurate representations of reality.

In fact, they're probably in place in your mind for the express purpose of ensuring that you do not make changes... perhaps your parents taught you you were worthless, because they wanted you to be dependent on them/obedient to them? Perhaps it was your H who himself planted those thoughts, because he wants to keep you under his control?

The comforting thing about this is, you aren't actually worthless, and you can make changes that set you up for a happier life with greater self respect. All that's necessary is one small step towards change, whenever you can manage one.

Keep posting, you will find support and advice. It's hard to hear sometimes but ultimately it's helpful.

UpAbove, love, people have not been harsh, they have been direct.

WHEN you are out of this situation, you too will ask yourself the same questions. We'll all be here to hold your hand and tell you that you did what you could at the time.

Your reply to AF was heartfelt, but you need, seriously to think about what you have said.

I stay because I don't know any different. He was my first boyfriend
OK, but you know NOW that the way he is treating you is unacceptable, it is a deal breaker and you deserve better. You have told him you won't accept it. He still won't stop. He doesn't care enough about his family to want to change.
He is your FIRST HUSBAND, your second will be better

I stay because I have horrible unremitting depression and would not cope on my own.
Erm, I'm willing to bet that the frustration of living with someone who is investing his time and affections in others, yet rubbishing them to you (while STILL devoting more time to them than you) is a major factor in your depression. Get rid of HIM and it's highly possible that your symptoms may alleviate.

I stay because we have a child who is severely autistic. There are plenty of people that raise children, even autistic ones alone. You may find that his behaviour (being more structured in access visits) will be more help to you than the current situation. i.e you may get respite when he comes to collect his child.

I stay because basically the idea of being on my own is fucking terrifying
I think the most terrifying thought in the world is a lifetime of living with a man that doesn't care, that places emotional affairs over his wife and family, that even when faced with the serious consequences of his emotional betrayal, STILL won't stop, THAT is terrifying. Yet you condemn yourself to a life sentence with this creature, when you could get shot, you could eventually find another partner, one who WOULD step up, who WOULD put you and your child first.

You need to sit this cretin down and read him the riot act and TELL him that you will be better off without him... If that doesn't focus his mind, then tbh, you will have done yourself a favour getting rid of him anyway. Long term you will see that.

You need to be straight and blunt with your dh.

Tell him your in a bad place emotionally and him doing something he knows causes you further pain is not being a proper husband.

Tell him you want this friendship to end now, as you need all his support, energy and time -not added worry and further fuel for the depression

If he cherishes you, then you come first. If he can't do that, if he can't put his own wife first then you will find someone who does.

I think you need to be firm and strong with him.

I think there has been some properly good advice on this thread already - so I just want to say good luck really, and chin up. CBT is great.

Thank you. Katie I did go into shock and have had an emotional 24hrs but I am looking forward to the cbt. I know it's needed.
I know all the explanations I gave are excuses, they are.
Ds is my biggest worry in all of this shit, he is pre teen managed by staff/respite on a 2-1 basis and quite clearly adores his dad. I know other people manage on their own but I genuinely do worry that he could be taken off me if I was on my own. I have history of self harm, suicidal thoughts and obviously the depression. It's the fear of the unknown iyswim?
I do appreciate all the advise that's been given by everyone, thank you.

UpAbove I am sorry that I hurt you

Good luck with your counselling x

OP, I'm a lone parent of a severely autistic pre-teen ds. I've found ds's social worker and community nurse wonderful to talk to. Also parents' groups are a great source of support. When ds is with his dad or in respite I do things that help me feel good. Ds also has direct payments for support workers. Sometimes we're too exhausted to ask for the help we need...but it's worth it.

Think back to the 'you' that lived and breathed before your marriage. What was she like? what gifts and talents did she have? What did she like to do - sport, reading, learning or something creative perhaps? She's still in there. Invite her out again. Your ds needs you to be alive and happy.

Thanks af, I know what you said was right, it was just difficult to hear.
Tall, thank you. We do get a good support package for ds.
I liked your second paragraph, I have forgotten who I really am!
I need to really think now, the anti depressants I am on do really numb my senses but allow me to function. I usually just muddle on, perhaps it's time to really start to anaylise my thoughts now.
Dh knows something is wrong, he has asked me several times is I am ok which is not normal really.
Off to look at aussie brad now and tap along :)

I haven't read one good reason for you to stay with this man. He makes you extra unhappy by disrespecting you and your wishes. Easy to type - leave him - but how many more years are you going to continue to struggle with his behaviours?

OP it must seem like many of the responses on this thread are a little harsh, but you are certainly not useless, don't even think it!
You took Izzy's suggestion as to Brad Yates, and I'm guessing you found it okay?
Why don't you make a list of the things you need to do (some of them suggested on here) to improve your life, nomatter how small or large and see if you can't work though them, one at time, I'm sure any small achievement will give you a feeling of self worth, and give you confidence to tackle the bigger issues.

Is it only women he forms friendships with?

Are these relationships much much closer than with other men?

Does he pay less attention to you because of these relationships?

Have you met them?

Does he try to include you at least a bit in the relationship or exclude you?

How is he with the txts, etc? Does he try to hide or flaunt?

What is her attitude towards him? Is she flirty? Does he reciprocate?

I'd try to look at it with a clinical eye and evaluate if there is anything in it or not.
It could be that your depression is making it seem worse than it is, but if there's more to it, it could make your depression worse.

I'm pleased you're getting along with Brad. There's a 'tap of the evening' too that you may find beneficial before you take yourself off to bed.

EFT won't conflict with CBT; in many ways it can be seen as complementary as it can allow us to release and let go of deep seated issues and clear the way, as it were, for the postive thinking that can be introduced and/or reinforced by CBT.

If you perform the 'morning' and 'evening' taps for a week you should begin to notice a 'shift' in your thinking - and don't forget that you can also dip in and out any of the other topics that Brad covers as often as you want whenever you're in the mood or time permits.

BTW, as far as your dh is concerned the only time 'something is wrong' is when you don't react or respond to him in your usual manner. If you seem preoccupied or fail to give him your full attention, he may start to fear that you are no longer the pliable creature whose eyes he's been accustomed to pulling the wool over for a very long time.

Start analysing your thoughts, honey, and chuck out those that are no longer relevant and which are preventing you from becoming all that you can be and, while you're in the process, don't allow your dh to dump yet another pile of crap on you.

Brad Yates, i will give it a go too, izzy. :)

Good luck with your counselling Upabove.

Your courage is there :) x