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Original poster

A bit of a problem?

47 replies

Rosenkrantz · 20/02/2012 20:04

I'll get this bit out of the way first: I'm a man! Nonetheless it'd be nice to have some advice right now.

About half an hour ago I was in the kitchen when I heard my wife screaming her head off at our little boy. Since she got home from work at 4.30 she's been writing a long post on a forum she's involved with (of religious bent), tapping away on her laptop on the sofa in front of the TV. This is par for the course, btw - my main view of my wife for the past 2 years or so is her hunched over her laptop from getting home until bedtime. After I bathed him, our son went to sit next to his mum on the sofa while I went to sort out the washing, when I heard the shouting start. Apparently our boy had wanted to show mummy something on the computer so had leaned over and tried to press some keys.

Since she'd spent around 3 hours composing the post and was worried that she'd lose it if he pressed the wrong key, my wife lost her temper completely and was screaming and shouting at him, yelling for me to come and remove him before she did something she regrets. Poor little sod was cowering away from her and crying hysterically, trying to apologise and cuddle her, but she wouldn't listen. I had to scoop him up and carry him upstairs out of the way. She was saying she 'went all hot with rage' when she thought she might lose the post.

I put him to bed sobbing his socks off and managed to calm him down. Now I'm shaking and upset myself. This isn't the first time it's happened, either.

I just want to know if this is normal?

Yes and I know the irony that I'm posting this on a forum that women post on. But would anyone here respond like that if their 5 yr old wanted a bit of attention, even if you were in the middle of long post?

OP posts:
NeedlesCuties · 20/02/2012 20:09

No, not normal for her to lose the bap like that with your DS over writing a forum post.

I love forums (obviously) but try to limit them to when DC is asleep or otherwise occupied with a game or toy.

Did you speak to her about it? How is your general communication and relationship?

I don't think the fact that your wife was posting on a religious forum is anything to do with her shouting.... not quite sure why you added that point, but am sure you will expand if you think it's needed for background.

pollyblue · 20/02/2012 20:12

No it doesn't sound normal it sounds a complete over-reaction.

If the post was so important, why wasn't she doing it somewhere out of the way, where your DS couldn't disturb her?

How was she afterwards? Was she sorry she'd upset him so much?

This is par for the course, btw - my main view of my wife for the past 2 years or so is her hunched over her laptop from getting home until bedtime.

If she was working, maybe understandable, but posting on a forum for this amount of time - when your DS is around, rather than once he's in bed - personally, I'd have a problem with that too.

ifeelloved · 20/02/2012 20:12

Not normal at all. Huge over reaction but you will need to tread very carefully.

Your poor ds Sad

What would your dw do if you arranged a babysitter and went out for the night?

lazarusb · 20/02/2012 20:14

Hi. No this is far from normal. If it was really important she should have saved it intermittently and, even if he had deleted it, it wouldn't have been an issue. If I'm in the middle of an assignment for Uni that's what I do. I might get annoyed if one of the dcs tried to touch my computer while I am doing that, but there is no way I would behave like that.

However, nothing would excuse that reaction. Your poor ds and poor you. Do you think she would benefit from some counselling/anger management techniques?
On a wider note, it sounds like your relationship deserves more input from her generally.

Original poster
Rosenkrantz · 20/02/2012 20:17

Sorry, mentioned it was a religious forum as i didn't want anyone thinking I was knocking MN.

Our relationship was very good, but in the last couple of years this forum thing has taken her over quite a lot. She founded and moderates it and feels she has to keep it going. It's hard even to talk to her sometimes as she's so focussed on it and I can speak to her directly and she won't even hear me. I feel like I might as well not be here sometimes.

On the other hand, when she's not posting, she's a great mum and a loving wife. It's almost as if something possesses her when she gets behind the keyboard,

OP posts:
SigmundaFraudina · 20/02/2012 20:17

Absolutely not normal, your poor son. Does she ever do the bedtime routine? She should compose long posts after he's gone to bed.

EirikurNoromaour · 20/02/2012 20:18

That is horrendous :( the poor boy. She sounds completely addicted and obsessed. That needs dealing with, it is not normal to ignore your child for hours or to rage and scream at them over something so trivial.

something2say · 20/02/2012 20:20

Is she having a religious crisis and therefore explaining / thinking things through in that way is very pertinent for her right now?

What is she generally like with your son?

I think you need to say something. We can all get a bit carried away with the internet and the opportunities it allows, but not to the detriment of the real people we live with. Have a word and make sure she hears you, for the sake of your little boy.

Original poster
Rosenkrantz · 20/02/2012 20:21

How was she afterwards? Was she sorry she'd upset him so much?

She's still posting, polly!

On a wider note, it sounds like your relationship deserves more input from her generally.

Thing is when she's not on the forum she's fine - we go out, we do normal things. As soon as we're home, though, it's "Oh I just need to reply to so-and-so and write about x". Often I go to bed alone and she'll come up later.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosenkrantz · 20/02/2012 20:26

Is she having a religious crisis and therefore explaining / thinking things through in that way is very pertinent for her right now?

No not really. It's just an information website/forum for people interested in this particular religion. She's very committed to it because it's her baby, so to speak.

What is she generally like with your son?

Usually great, but can be very impatient and cross. She'd be the first to admit she lacks patience.

OP posts:
pollyblue · 20/02/2012 20:29

Well if it her job in a sense, then maybe she needs to start allotting specific periods of time to moderate/post etc, and work elsewhere (spare room?) so she can't be disturbed?

I still think her reaction was potty, and (imo) you need to talk about this with her sooner rather than later. If my dh had shouted at one of our dcs like that, I'm buggered if I'd let him carry on doing his thing while i dealt with our screaming child. Not on.

beckyboo232 · 20/02/2012 20:30

Definitely not normal your poor boy, I hope he's ok. Her behaviour to me doesn't sound healthy theres something you enjoy and then there's a obsession, which hurts the people around you. Have you talked to her about this, maybe suggest she has a hour each night when you do not disturb her but after that the computer goes away-some kind of compromise?

Original poster
Rosenkrantz · 20/02/2012 20:33

I have talked to her about it, suggesting that she limit the time she spends on it. This lasts for a while, but then things slip again. I even suggested that Saturdays should be computer-free zones, but that didn't go down well.

OP posts:
feedmefeedmenow · 20/02/2012 20:35

leave the bastard

Original poster
Rosenkrantz · 20/02/2012 20:43

Well thanks, feedmefeedme. No chance of that, unless things get much worse.

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 20/02/2012 20:52

Sounds like her virtual life has taken over from her real one??

Also (as a "religious" person myself) all too easy to justify if it seems to be for the "greater good". IMO She definitely needs a reality check and to put some boundaries in place so her son and you know when is your time and when is laptop time. Will she listen if you talk with her??

Hoping feedme was posting is using irony and showing that s/he can be just as intolerant of women as men behaving badly Hmm

pollyblue · 20/02/2012 20:55

I think your conversation needs to be more about her screaming ab-dabs than the posting (though obviously that plays it's part).

I don't understand how this can happen

screaming and shouting at him, yelling for me to come and remove him before she did something she regrets. Poor little sod was cowering away from her and crying hysterically, trying to apologise and cuddle her, but she wouldn't listen. I had to scoop him up and carry him upstairs out of the way

and she can carry on posting away. Your dc is upset, your upset and she's tapping away.......

pollyblue · 20/02/2012 20:56

sorry about the bad grammar...

foolonthehill · 20/02/2012 20:59

.... being impatient/cross is a character flaw that is forgiveable....but I would be expecting a big "sorry" to both you and your poor DS. Being increasingly impatient and cross can be a sign of obsession and unhealthy boundary setting and lack of involvement in real life.

If she doesn't realise this then I think she needs to sort herself out before she's giving advice to others..........(maybe don't put it quite like that.....!!!Blush)

Hope you can find some space to sort this out with her OP

Original poster
Rosenkrantz · 20/02/2012 21:12

sorry about the bad grammar...

No worries, I got it :)

Thanks all for your responses - I'm going to talk to her now. As I mentioned it can work for a while, but then it slips back again.

I really would like my wife back: though I do try to understand what she's trying to achieve, shouting like that at our son isn't right and it's the second explosion like that in 2 weeks.

OP posts:
pollyblue · 20/02/2012 21:19

Good luck - i know how hard it is trying to work at home when the dcs are around (impossible!), so if this an on-going thing she needs to get organised. She can't expect your ds to understand what's she's trying to do, he's too young, so it's up to her to work around him.

izzyizin · 20/02/2012 22:09

From the point of view of your little ds, how much worse can it get?

His mother has screamed and shouted at him, rebuffed his attempts to apologise and cuddle her, has heard him gone crying to bed and, from what you've said, hasn't stirred herself to make amends to him even though she has, appparently, cooled down from her 'hot rage'.

If your dw believes that the world and his wife can't manage without her ministering to them on a daily or nightly basis she is deluded and, if she's not prepared to put the needs of her family before her need to minister to others, she is becoming addicted to her forum.

swallowedAfly · 20/02/2012 22:18

think you need to use this event as a line in the sand personally. tell her her behaviour was totally out of order and cruel and you can't believe she sat there and carried on knowing her son was crying his eyes out from her screaming at him. i think this needs to be the straw that made the camel stand up and be counted.

tell her this is too far and she needs to get a grip on how she is treating her family and find ways to separate her computer life from her family life as it's not fair on any of you.

good luck

LyssaM · 20/02/2012 22:46

Others more experienced than I may be able to endorse/refute my suggestion, but I would ask her what people on her forum would think if she posted exactly what happened (screaming crazily at a child and letting it sob and then not going up to the child to make sure that they knew that mummy still loved them).

If I was your child I would find it absolute hell. Your child has gone to sleep in the sure and certain knowledge of a five year old's understanding, that mummy has rejected them angrily, cruelly and completely. No five year old would believe that it was mummy's fault, and that mummy was wrong. They turn stuff inwards and blame themselves.

You may find it useful to speak to a person in authority that is part of that religion so that they can perhaps help her find balance.

However my view may be skewed, and over emphatic. You know how your little one's life is the rest of the time. Good luck.

Jux · 20/02/2012 23:13

This is not normal behaviour. If she were the man coming home from work, ignoring his child, screaming at his child, we would be shouting "abuse".

How often is she like this? You said it was the second time in 2 weeks. Is that 'normal' (for her, I mean)?

Are you SAHD? Do you have money for yourself? Does your dw withhold money? Does she scream and shout at you? At her boss, colleagues?

Does she help out around the house? Help with the childcare?

Is she rude to you? Call you stupid or other names? Does she put you down, minimise your achievements? Does she do any of that to your son? Do you walk on eggshells when she's around?

This isn't a one-off. Sad