A bit of a problem?

[Rosenkrantz]

I'll get this bit out of the way first: I'm a man! Nonetheless it'd be nice to have some advice right now.

About half an hour ago I was in the kitchen when I heard my wife screaming her head off at our little boy. Since she got home from work at 4.30 she's been writing a long post on a forum she's involved with (of religious bent), tapping away on her laptop on the sofa in front of the TV. This is par for the course, btw - my main view of my wife for the past 2 years or so is her hunched over her laptop from getting home until bedtime. After I bathed him, our son went to sit next to his mum on the sofa while I went to sort out the washing, when I heard the shouting start. Apparently our boy had wanted to show mummy something on the computer so had leaned over and tried to press some keys.

Since she'd spent around 3 hours composing the post and was worried that she'd lose it if he pressed the wrong key, my wife lost her temper completely and was screaming and shouting at him, yelling for me to come and remove him before she did something she regrets. Poor little sod was cowering away from her and crying hysterically, trying to apologise and cuddle her, but she wouldn't listen. I had to scoop him up and carry him upstairs out of the way. She was saying she 'went all hot with rage' when she thought she might lose the post.

I put him to bed sobbing his socks off and managed to calm him down. Now I'm shaking and upset myself. This isn't the first time it's happened, either.

I just want to know if this is normal?

Yes and I know the irony that I'm posting this on a forum that women post on. But would anyone here respond like that if their 5 yr old wanted a bit of attention, even if you were in the middle of long post?

No, OP - It's not normal! Are you sure that your wife is telling the truth to you about the site? So many red flags here! Protect your little lad from his abusive mother!

I think someone from MNHQ needs to come on here and tell the OP what they are like when they are moderating MN....

I've never set up a forum so I've no idea what it's like to run one.

Seeing as you, OP, are talking about your wife and her religious forum I have something to add. No matter if it is a cooking forum, a hairy bikers forum or a dog owners forum it isn't really the issue. It's her tunnel vision and devotion to it that's the problem.

Jux asks some good questions...

I can be a little short-tempered sometimes with my kids (who isn't?) and the occasional (ahem) raised voice is not entirely unknown in our house, but this sounds way beyond acceptable - unless your boy was being a complete little s.h.1.t., which doesn't sound like the case and besides, it stillsounds excessive. I think you need to talk to her about it and say that every parent loses their blob now and then, but his has you worried.

Pardon me for asking, but what is the religion?

yes i agree on the talk including we all lose our tempers sometimes but i can't believe you didn't then calm down and go and reassure your child who was devastated by it. can you imagine how he felt when you didn't come to him and reassure him and sort it out? i'd say i know the forum is important to you but you put carrying on posting over going and reassuring your very upset son and i think you have to reflect on that and get a grip on your priorities.

Do you think this is an addiction for her? My eldest ds had an online gaming addiction and it was hellish for all of us for a long time. If the internet connection went down he would fly into a rage. If it was dinner time he would fly into a rage. His friends (the RL ones) stopped contacting him.

She has anger control issues and is taking them out on your ds. You are also suffering as a consequence. That does not make for healthy relationships or a good family life.

sounds like addiction to me, completely over the top reaction and scary.

Thanks for all the comments - I'll answer the questions Jux poses in a moment.

I did talk to her last night as I said I would and told her that what had happened was unacceptable and had left our son in pieces. She got defensive immediately but agreed in the end. She ended up going upstairs and got into bed with him for a while to give him a cuddle, which was great. When she came down, though, she was straight back on the forum and eventually I said I was going to bed. After I'd said it three times she said, not tearing her eyes away from the screen, that she'd be up in a moment. I have no idea what time she actually came up as I was asleep.

This morning she was all giggles and cuddles with our boy and he seemed fine. She even gave him breakfast and dressed him for school, which is unusual as she tends to go straight on the forum while I do that bit.

Their relationship is usually very good when she's not on the forum, lots of cuddles and tickles and laughs. It's just she gets so focussed when she's on there. I sometimes see him tugging on her arm saying 'Mama, look at me. Mama, look at me...' I hate that.

She does sound like she has a problem with addiction to her site.

I think you need to sit down with her, make sure there are no distractions and feedack to her exactly what you saw happening, how it made your son feel and how you felt about it. Don't dress it up, she needs to understand what is happening. Explain to her that it isnt acceptable for a parent to behave this way to their children and that she must stop. She is abusing her child. She needs to prioritise her childs needs with her desire to run an internet site for a bunch of strangers.

Ask her to agree no posting times so that she focuses on her family. You need to get tough OP or this will only get worse. Also, if it was me, if it happens again I would remove my child then go straight into the office and unplug the router.

I think people are more at risk of internet addiction than we think. I have been concerned for some time that my children spend too much time on the internet so have recently introduced an IT curfew at 9pm in my house. I make everyone give up their phones and laptops and I put them away until morning.

The effect of this on everyones mood and sleep has been miraculous.

i'm glad she went up to your son in the end and made an effort with him this morning.

what about you though? this isn't sustainable for your relationship either really. when is she spending any time connecting with you?

I have just read your last post. Man up OP. Go home and chuck the router in the dustbin.

To answer Jux's questions:

How often is she like this? You said it was the second time in 2 weeks. Is that 'normal' (for her, I mean)?

Not all that often. It's more usual that it's difficult to get through to her thorough her preoccupation with reading and posting

Are you SAHD? Do you have money for yourself? Does your dw withhold money? Does she scream and shout at you? At her boss, colleagues?

No, not SAHD, we both work full time, though she gets home first, around 4.30 after picking up our son from after-school care. I get home around 6. Invariably she's on the forum while our son is playing in the same room when I get home.

Does she help out around the house? Help with the childcare?

We split house tasks fairly evenly, but I tend to do the bulk of the childcare as I'm far more patient.

Is she rude to you? Call you stupid or other names? Does she put you down, minimise your achievements? Does she do any of that to your son? Do you walk on eggshells when she's around?

No, it's not like that. I wouldn't put up with that for a moment. It's only related to this forum issue.

This isn't a one-off.

Agreed, if she's on the forum.

i have to say that those answers you've just given are what i inferred from your op and subsequent posts hence not thinking you were a victim of abuse. it seems to be a discrete issue. the fact that you do most of the childcare as you are more patient/attuned to the task does not present a problem - that's a split that happens in most relationships i'd think it's just more commonly split on gender rather than temperament.

it does seem a discrete problem related to starting this forum and onwards - much like having a partner whose started a new job or a business and is obsessed with it to the detriment of family.

there do need to be some boundaries don't there? i think you're going to have to sit down in a calm fashion and tell her what you're observing and how it is making you feel and what your concerns are and then find a way between you to agree on workable boundaries. eg. maybe agree that she wont' go on there after picking up ds but will be with him and engaged with him till you get home from work then you'll take over for an hour so she can go online but perhaps best if she does it in an assigned place rather than in shared space so it doesn't present problems with ds wanting her attention and her getting snappy.

but you also need to make your needs clear - maybe an agreement that she switches off by 9pm so that you have time together. or that she does that at least 3 nights a week. whatever it is you feel you need and she feels she can agree to.

hopefully her awareness raising from last night of her impact on ds will put her in a more receptive and prepared state to hear and deal with all this. you could talk to her and say you think you need to establish some boundaries and then give a thinking period for her to come up with what she thinks will work and you likewise and agree to discuss it again tomorrow. i'd say don't let it just drift on again until the next blow up now but grab it by the horns and deal with it. emphasise that it's about loving her and ds and your family and wanting to keep that unit working and happy.

Pardon me for asking, but what is the religion?

I'd rather not say as it'll probably identify me to some on here.

Thanks swallowedAfly. I intend to do what you suggest. In fact this morning as I gave her a lift in to work she said that she had to make some posts tonight, but would finish by 9. She also said she'd have a completely forum-free evening tomorrow.

At work at the mo and posting when I shouldn't - will check back later!

SAF has soem good suggestions. Please do something to get her attention and make her realise how serious this is, if you let it go it will just get worse and worse and will damage your son and your relationship.

Explain to her that if you mess up his childhood you cant go back and do it all again. It is gone forever.

SAF had some very good suggestions and I will do something about it and I'm very aware of the last point you make, elastamum.

I also need to do this for myself, as resentment is beginning to eat me up.

Oh and Jux, sorry I also meant to say earlier, thanks for your concern regarding the possibility I was being abused. I appreciate it.

Good luck OP. And be prepared to play a long game on this. If she is addicted, and it sounds like she is, she wont find it easy to stop so it will be two steps forward one step back. And she will be in denial.

It would help if you could persuade her to stop for at least a week or two? This would start to break the habit and allow you both to establish a new routine which gives quality time for you all. The online community will manage without her, but unless she focusses on her family they may just slip out the back door whilst she is on line.

If the forum has been going for a couple of years now and has some well-established regular posters, surely there are one or two of them she could trust enough to take over some of the moderating responsibilities. Worth suggesting to her?

That's a good suggestion Wrongbow, and I will certainly mention the possibility to her.

What does her religion say about shouting and getting angry? The one I grew up with had clear rules about not being aggressive, most religions seem to really. Could you tell her to speak to her Priest or Rabbi or whoever for guidance on this issue - I don't think she can see the hypocrisy of promoting a religion at the expense of her son. Like she's missing the point.

No such heirarchical structure exists. She is an authority herself and a teacher, which is why she set up the forum as a way for people to find out more and ask questions.

Really though, the religion angle is a red herring of sorts. The only reason I mentioned it in the original post was that I thought the reaction might be 'oh yeah, here's some bloke coming to obliquely attack women who spend time posting on MN'.

Somtimes I overthink things :)

I'm glad; had thought you probably weren't but it never hurts to check. Obviously, a discrete issue is much easier to deal with....

I do hope you both manage to sort it out. May I just mention something my dh's friend said to us while I was pg with dd? He worked all hours to provide for his family for the best part of 20 years. Then he looked round and he didn't know his children. They had grown up without him because he'd been working long hours all week, and at w/e was exhausted and grumpy, and spent his time reading the paper and dozing.

Family life has to be factored in, just like studying or internet forums or anything else.