Should i tell the new girlfriend about his past?

[Hidethewine]

Ok so im new to mumsnet so im not sure if im posting in the right place...

My EX and i seperated 5 years ago because he was violent and aggressive, he would smash up the house, kicked & hit our dogs and then finally progressed to pushing me down the stairs when my youngest was 8 weeks old and hitting & kicking me. At which point i left him and moved into a hostel with my children...i never pressed charges!
He then got himself a new girlfriend (almost immediately) they moved in together after a few weeks, she had a yound child too, and after a while i knew he was treating her the same. on one occassion he broke her arm & hit her head off the floor. Its also alledged that he hurt her son although nothing has been proven and SS didnt take it any further. They split up & she pressed charges, He was taken to court by her and given community service. that was about 18 months ago and i have now heard he has got a new girlfriend with a daughter the same age as ours.
Im really worried for the safety of this child. He doesnt have contact with ours very often and it has to be supervised.
In my opinion he will never change and his violent behaviour has just got worse over the years.
Should i find a way to warn this woman what she is getting herself and her child into or should i just forget about it?
I dont think i could forgive myself if something serious happened and id not said something.

There's absolutely no question about it. Tell her, please.

You have know choice but to contact SS. For her sake and her childs sake.
Not actually sure what they could do though?

What would the SS do though? anonymous call from 'someone' about his past? I know he's got previous convictions, but is that enough for them to step in?

The Met Police have a DV campaign urging people to call if they suspect DV occurring. You can google it.

OP you have a responsibility to tell the new dp of your ex. Ignore those who say otherwise.

Either warn her, or tell social services.

Personally I think SS better and ask them not to tell her where the concern came from to protect you. I don't especially like the idea of you telling her as she may not believe you and she may tell him that it came from you, putting you at risk.

It would be enough for them to look into the situation and also consider if her LO is at risk. If he is deemed to be a risk she will be told to go or risk having SS input for her dd.

Tell her, or tell SS or get someone neutral to tell her. She might not believe you straight away, but when he starts (and it's fair to say he almost certainly will) she might not be so ready to believe that it's all her fault for 'pushing his buttons' or whatever bullshit he tells her.

FFS Iuse the OP is not stalking him. Nor is she trying to mess up his life. She's trying to protect a child here.

Tell her.

Its not a trivial warning...

Iuse she is not going to tell the new girlfriend he farted in bed, this is a very serious situation.

For all those saying it is not her business - if YOU were the new gf with a young child would you want to know if your new fella was a violent bully?

Of course you bloody would so think twice before saying it's not anyone else's business - there are children involved ffs

Thank you for all your replies.

I have telephoned the social worker who originally dealt with the case. she said that unfortunately they are not able to warn people as it breaches his human rights.
I dont know the new girlfriend we have no mutual friends i only know her name and the rough area of where she lives which is a couple of hundred miles from me.
My ex sister in law wont say anything as he lies to cover everything up he didnt tell them the real reasons for why we split up or his last girlfriend either.

By telephoning social services i have at least tried -- i suspect there is nothing more i can do.

I can only hope he has changed his ways.

By the way when i said he was accused of hurting his ex girlfriends son the little lad had a broken leg & a broken arm (on seperate occassions) and both incidents happened while the child (who was under 3) was in this mans sole care. apparently he tripped over... I know its not proof but it certainly rings alarm bells with me!

you have done everything you can do hide you phoned the social worker and took advice from them , your concience (eek spelling) is clear , there really isnt anything you can do now ,

You could try phoning SS in the area where the child is, rather than the one who dealt with the case previously.

Could you possibly maybe talk to the police. They have to warn women if their partner is on the sex offenders register; (it's a shame there's no DV register) might they at least be able to offer you advice?

Know that you've done what you can, and you've done the right thing; as nowittynamehere says, your conscience is clear.

No, hide, if something does happen to the woman's dc you will feel terrible. SS has prioritized your ex's human rights over the the little child's safety. You don't have to.

Could you not send an anon note somehow to the other woman?

I see so many threads where people recommend call SS even though SS would do fuck all in the situation.

You are being really caring here. Please try to find another solution...

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll why the hell does she care what her ex does maybe just maybe she does nto want to see another women and her children suffer knowing what he is capable of

yes please warn her, will she beleive you probably not adn he will talk his way out of it, but she has been warned and she may lets hope pick up on the warning signs, he may have changed but it is doubtful

please protect yourself though it is very important

There is stuff going on in Parliament at the moment to give women the right to know about previous violence which you might find interesting.

Under which bit of the Human Rights Act?
Because the bit about right to privacy isnt absolute.
I would put it in writing.

If you are really worried follow up that phone call with a letter. Naming the SW and what they said to you and reiterating your concerns.

It can be anonymous.

Contact SS immediately - a child is at risk. As well as physical abuse a child is a great risk of emotional abuse - seeing mum being beaten up. SS will talk to the new gf then its up to her whether she wants to stay with him and more importantly they will keep an eye on the child.

If you research DV, you will see that it is a crime that generally escalates and intensifies in violence. This is demonstrated by the OP, and the violence against the subsequent girlfriend and possibly her child.
Criminology establishes profiles - classic characteristics of a man who is abusive will be that he is very charming, smooth even. He will be quite intense, generally get serious with the relationship very quickly etc. These traits become dangerous over time. Others will see him as a charmer, girlfriend unwilling to give up the 'wonderful' relationship because he has hit her once. Then they stay... this is bad enough, but risk to a child is even more serious as the child is unable to leave the situation voluntarily.
SS should have a better system in place in these situations, so that things are flagged. If the woman or child 'suddenly' begin having accidents they would know there was significant information they should be aware of.
You are being thoughtful and kind OP, it is hard to know where to begin with this though. I can understand why they can't say anything, if nothing was proven last time, but you would think that they would be able to have precautions in place jsut to be aware of any risk he may pose. The violence toward the child is not the only risk, it is not good for any child to live in a home where there is DV taking place. Sad and emotive topic.

If his more recent ex took him to court, would there be some kind of ruling available as a public record? If so, you could maybe copy that and send it to this woman anonymously. That validates the claims that he is violent and dangerous without it making it seem like any of his exes are crazy mad stalker bitches.
Just a thought - don't know if the rulings are a matter of public record or not, if they're not then no use to you.

I don't blame you for wanting to let her know, especially if her DD is the same age as yours. :(

Hi, we've moved this into Relationships.

There is more you can do and it will only involve making two more phone calls.

The first is to the Police Child Protection Unit of his new girlfriend's regional police authority to advise them that, although previous allegations of child abuse were not pursued, a man who was convicted of dv some 18 months ago is living on their 'patch'.

The second is an anonymous call to the NSPCC giving them all of the details/names/pack drill etc so that they can pass this on to the relevant local authority's social services department.

IME referrals made by the NSPCC tend to be acted on with considerably more alacrity than direct calls/pleas to ss.

Once you've taken this action your conscience will be clear - although given what you know about this man, it's unlikely that you'll sleep entirely easily until such time as you learn, as would seem inevitable, that he's being brought to account again.

For all of the propoganda official protestations about how seriously dv is taken and treated, far too many violent twunts get off lightly - personally, I'd be happy to tattoo them with large letters in the middle of their foreheads.

This is a Child Protection issue. You could ring Social Services in your area and explain your concerns and ask them to investigate, or you could ring the MASH if there is one in your area (Multi Agency Safeguarding Hub). Everybody with knowledge of risk to a child should act on it. No excuses.

Oops just saw you did ring SS OP, that SW is plainly assessing the risk wrongly. I would ring the Police DV Officer on the non urgent number for advice.