Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Should i tell the new girlfriend about his past?

77 replies

Hidethewine · 20/02/2012 16:26

Ok so im new to mumsnet so im not sure if im posting in the right place...

My EX and i seperated 5 years ago because he was violent and aggressive, he would smash up the house, kicked & hit our dogs and then finally progressed to pushing me down the stairs when my youngest was 8 weeks old and hitting & kicking me. At which point i left him and moved into a hostel with my children...i never pressed charges!
He then got himself a new girlfriend (almost immediately) they moved in together after a few weeks, she had a yound child too, and after a while i knew he was treating her the same. on one occassion he broke her arm & hit her head off the floor. Its also alledged that he hurt her son although nothing has been proven and SS didnt take it any further. They split up & she pressed charges, He was taken to court by her and given community service. that was about 18 months ago and i have now heard he has got a new girlfriend with a daughter the same age as ours.
Im really worried for the safety of this child. He doesnt have contact with ours very often and it has to be supervised.
In my opinion he will never change and his violent behaviour has just got worse over the years.
Should i find a way to warn this woman what she is getting herself and her child into or should i just forget about it?
I dont think i could forgive myself if something serious happened and id not said something.

OP posts:
lisad123 · 20/02/2012 17:14

Iuse, SS might not be involved unless the child was present in the house during dv. They can't follow everyone and check of they have new girlfriend and the only legally binding orders to stay away from kids is normally sex offenders Sad

Iuse I have never in all my working life met a man who commits dv who didn't go on to do it again.

hanaka88 · 20/02/2012 17:17

If you tell her she may not listen. But after the first time, you know the time when you think it's a one off and blame yourself, she might see the light easier and leave.

HoneyandHaycorns · 20/02/2012 17:47

Might be a silly question, but would his sister help to tell the new girlfriend what he's like? She might be more likely to believe it from a family member. Or would his sister not be up for that?

asiatic · 20/02/2012 17:51

Call SS. When I saw the title of your thread, I thought "NO - unless it involves violence or danger to a child" which it does, so certainly this should not be kept secret.

nowittynamehere · 20/02/2012 17:52

I think i would let her know in some way or a other she might not believe you she might think she can change him think you are a jealous ex and all the rest of it , but if anything does happen then she has been warned , even if she doesnt take notice of you ,

michglas · 20/02/2012 17:54

I wish I had been warned about my ex when I got together with him, I would have run a mile. He used to beat his ex up, which I didn't find out about until after he had started laying into me. It was then during one beating with a screwdriver and a shoe that he came out and said that he would make me lose my baby, just like he did with his ex. He was charming, funny and very attentive when we got together, so I would have been very appreciative of the warning.

However, I did warn his girlfriend after me (although she saw some of the beatings, as we were mates at the time) and she said that i must have deserved them. Didn't take long before he started laying into her!!

WilsonFrickett · 20/02/2012 17:56

I don't think she'll listen to you and it will put you and your DCs back on his radar. A call to SS is definitely the way to go OP. Particularly if the gf lives far away from him, she might not be on SS radar.

Make the call and I admire you for caring, by the way.

IAmBooyhoo · 20/02/2012 17:57

i would want to know if a new partner had form for violence and i would absoloutely believe the person who told me about it. i'd feel far happier ending a relationship' just incase' it was true than continuing the relationship 'incase it wasn't true'. especially with children.

also i dated a man briefly last year who after a few dates told me that we may bump into his 'crazy' ex in his local town and that she'd probably tell me that he used to beat her up. i didn't see him again. he seemed like a great guy but that was a massive alarm bell right there and i listened to it so this new partner may just listen to you if you tell her what you know/went through.

OriginalJamie · 20/02/2012 18:01

Iuse

"Why do you care?" - why should anyone care about the welfare of anyone else in this world? Sad attitude.

OP I'd try and find some way of letting her know

Flatbread · 20/02/2012 18:05

You sound very kind OP. Definitely tell his new gf if you can reach her. The only issue is if she doesn't believe you and tells your ex, he might cause trouble for you.

Do you and gf move in similar circles, and if so, could a common friend tell her? Otherwise I would suggest an anon note, but that might get intercepted by him.

yellowraincoat · 20/02/2012 18:07

You'd want to know yourself, I'm sure.

Can't believe anyone would think any different to be honest.

MadameOvary · 20/02/2012 18:08

I'd love to tell my ex's GF about him. He had to stop with the physical violence as he has a prior assault conviction and doesnt fancy prison, but he still manages to be an immature controlling twat. Like me, she has depression and health issues.
She wouldn't listen though. Any more than I would have had his ex-wife tried to tell me. I was head over heels in love with me. Not only was he completely charming with lovely kids, he was willing to commit to me. Too willing as it turned out.
But I digress. Your ex's partner probably won't listen, but you definitely should get in touch with SS. He won't change.

MadameOvary · 20/02/2012 18:09

Head over heels in love with him not me! Blush

LoveHandles88 · 20/02/2012 18:09

Iuse I am shocked that with a child involved you would see it as none of OP's or anyone else's business.
Definitely go the SS route if nothing else. You wouldn't want him babysitting someone else's kids (which may or may not happen in his current relationship) if you can't even trust him with his own.

likelucklove · 20/02/2012 18:14

I would, for the sake of the child and her. She might not necessarily heed the warning or thank you, but it may prevent another person suffering.

You are being very brave and extremely considerate I think for having the guts to stand up to him, firstly by leaving, and then by warning others.

ButteryBiscuitBase · 20/02/2012 18:14

Tell her. Its up to her what she does with the information but at least you'd known you had done your best. Also contact social services and hopefully then the child will have a chance. Hopefully the new girlfriend is wise enough to do the right thing but if not you will know you did.

maddening · 20/02/2012 18:17

Could you press charges for his treatment of you? Even if it went nowhere she would be alerted to his past - prob a pants idea though

SnapesMistress · 20/02/2012 18:18

SS is the way to go, also I agree that it may be worth pressing your own charges against him.

Showmethemhappyfeet · 20/02/2012 18:20

I would get SS involved. As much as I think you should tell her I wouldn't want to run the risk of him knowing it cane from you and trying to cause trouble.
I think that the 'he's done the time' attitude is shocking. If I was single now with DD, met someone new and someone told me he was violent if be outta there! No way would I risk my child!!

aldiwhore · 20/02/2012 18:24

Completely agree with hopstheduck, by being told of DV by the ex, I accepted my exes protestations that she was just tapped... she was very obsessive and her behaviour far from calm and rational, but she was also telling the truth it turned out.

My ex at the time acknowlegded their relationship had been volatile, and he seemed perfectly reasonable with his version of events, plus I was in love with him. I think it did more harm than good in the long term, as I was already in denial because of my refusal to accept this other woman, who I didn't know or much like on first impressions may have had a valid point.

Must say, it would have been better received if it had been mutual friends who'd warned me rather than the ex herself.

I would contact SS, to seek advice if nothing else. He has a history of violence, but he's officially innocent of being a danger to children. SS will only be concerned already if his new girlfriend has standing contact with SS... if she hasn't they won't know. It won't hurt to ask their advice.

Don't go phoning the new girlfriend. If you phone saying you're worried about the safety of her child, you'd be wrong ... the first reason being that he has not been found guilty of that ever. Secondly, by using that angle, you're making yourself unbelievable with all the other issues (the safety of the woman concerned).

aldiwhore · 20/02/2012 18:25

I've also met a lot of bunny boiler exes who WILL lie to stop their exbf ever being happy... hence I would never act upon what an ex told me. I may at most log it and store the information so I can act quickly if it turns out to be true.

AlbertoFrog · 20/02/2012 18:35

She may not believe you now but it will register the first time he hits her and hopefully save her and/or her child from further violence.

If anything really bad happened in the future you'd regret saying nothing but keep yourself safe too.

I would also ask if maybe the sister could say something or is she protective (or scared) of her brother?

suburbophobe · 20/02/2012 18:51

Fact is, this man has form (otherwise known as a pattern).

He targets vulnerable women with (young) chiildren.

You know what you need to do, and do it anonymously.

Those children will (anonymously) thank you in their future.

Grumpla · 20/02/2012 18:55

I would contact SS.

I would also tell the new GF if you can.

She may not believe you now but on past form it won't be long before she does. Sad

Hopefully it might enable her to remove herself and her child from danger that little bit quicker.

NoMoreMarbles · 20/02/2012 19:08

i would want to know if it was me...

iuse i am astonished at your view on this. would you not say a thing? to anyone even if you knew that what had happened to you would almost certainly happen to another woman?

have you not heard of 'Claires Law'? this is a campaign thats happening ATM to change the law giving access to potential Gfs and DWs to check if their partner has been convicted/warned for DV. this is a big campaign that is widely supported...chances are the woman you tell will remember the info and will thank you for it even if they dont believe you at the time.

Swipe left for the next trending thread