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Original poster

How do I stop myself feeling so bitter.

37 replies

Pantone363 · 19/02/2012 20:08

DH and I split christmas day after I found out about his 9 month affair.

I've done sad, i've done angry. Now I just feel bitter.

I went to pick the kids up from his today and they weren't ready so I had to go in to wait.

His house is lovely, loads of space, freshly painted, everything tidy and in its place. He has new clothes, trainers, furniture, curtains. We have been living in our overcrowded house that has one wardrobe for storage for 5 years.

I have £90 in the bank to last until Friday, he has god knows how much. He is paying me 25% of his net pay. But at this time of the year he earns a lot and hes not paying any bills because his mother has given him her rental to live in.

So im paying all our bills/car with 20% and income support. And hes got his 80% and nothing to pay apart from his phone, water and power.

We just drove back from the park and his work van is in the gym carpark. So whilst i've got to do dinner/uniforms/homework/packed lunches, he's in the gym and spa until however long he feels like it.

I feel SO SO SO SO SO hard done by. I know this is a woe is me post but I really feel like I have been thoroughly fucked over. And its making me feel so bitter.

OP posts:
feedbackforfree · 19/02/2012 20:18

Bless you Pantone - I remember feeling exactly like this. Christmas Day isn't that far away and you will probably go through a whole load of other emotions, and then go through them again and back again.

I can remember hearing that my ex had booked a foreign holiday after we split. He was too mean to ever take me and his children. Meanwhile, i was getting his kids up at 5.30 in the morning and getting them to my mum for child care so I could earn a paltry living. All I can say is the bitterness will fade. Life will be tougher on your own but it can't be any worse that living a lie with a twat. You will move to a more contended phase, where you will no longer care what he is doing. Believe me!!

Original poster
Pantone363 · 19/02/2012 20:20

Thank you! I needed to hear that.

OP posts:
pennypencil · 19/02/2012 20:25

totally agree with feedback - it won't always be this way
just accept it for what it is at the moment - who wouldn't feel pissed off in those circumstances!
what you do have is your dds most of the time (ok hard work, but a few years down the line will be different) and your integrity. Those are way more valuable things in the longer term.

let yourself be pissed off, find outlets if poss eg running or whatever, and make sure you get a good divorce lawyer Wink

honestly it's early days, in a few years things will be different and fortunes change. but perfectly normal to feel the way you do please rant on here MN can be a great outlet

Angry Angry on your behalf

Original poster
Pantone363 · 19/02/2012 20:36

Divorce papers have already been filed!

OP posts:
pennypencil · 19/02/2012 20:42

good for you. btw what a selfish git he sounds. never will understand how people can do this to their families. grrr. hope he falls off the treadmill Grin

Sparks1 · 19/02/2012 20:45

From a purely CM point of view he should be paying you 25% of his true representative income. ( I'm assuming you have 3 or my children together)

You say he earns a lot at this time of year. If you're not happy with what you are getting then go the CSA and get him assessed.

You say he's getting the place gratis, so surely half of what you describe has actually been paid for by his mother?

Original poster
Pantone363 · 19/02/2012 20:55

He gets paid weekly, so whatever goes into his account I get 25% of.

So this week he was paid just under £1000. I got £250, which I paid the tax on the car, a new tyre because the old one got a puncture and have £90 left.

He therefore had £850 and pays for his gym £40 a month, phone £60 a month and the utilities. The house is owned outright and shes not charging him rent. He has no car bills because he has a company van. He couldn't spend £850 in a week if he tried (and by the looks of his house, he's trying)

OP posts:
GoingForGoalWeight · 19/02/2012 20:55

Angry this has happened to you and on Christmas Day. :(

CSA pronto! Do whatever you can. Why should you struggle financially and he swans about like Lord Muck Angry

All the best to you and DC. I got a strong hunch, you'll be OK in life :)

Good luck :) x

Original poster
Pantone363 · 19/02/2012 20:56

Yes 3 DC. Who all came home waving £20 notes that daddy had given them for pocket money Hmm WTF a 2 year old is going to do with £20 I don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pantone363 · 19/02/2012 20:58

We're probably getting more than the CSA would award because he does have them to stay of a weekend.

The whole things just bullshit, i've got bills coming out of my ears and he's got er 3...

OP posts:
GoingForGoalWeight · 19/02/2012 21:03

Ask him for more? I would.

ElsieMc · 19/02/2012 21:07

The CSA will only award 15% of his income I'm afraid, so you are getting more than you would with them. The only plus is that if he stops paying, then you will be in difficulties with an informal arrangement whereas the CSA can enforce payment. If he has the children over the weekend every weekend this would reduce payment due further - have a look at their website. Also, bear in mind that moves are afoot to charge to use the CSA so you need to carefully weigh up what is best for you and the children.

Sparks1 · 19/02/2012 21:10

Whilst i can understand your hurt i think you need to get practical.

For CM purposes only ( i.e divorce settlement aside) he will only ever have to pay you 25% of his income. That's the reality. And yes he would get a 1/7 reduction if he has them 52 nights or more a week and pushed for it.

I know things are relative pantone but you actually benefit from the more he earns. They're are a sizeable number of RP's who'd kill for £250 a week from the NRP.

Sparks1 · 19/02/2012 21:12

The CSA will only award 15% of his income I'm afraid, so you are getting more than you would with them. The only plus is that if he stops paying, then you will be in difficulties with an informal arrangement whereas the CSA can enforce payment. If he has the children over the weekend every weekend this would reduce payment due further - have a look at their website. Also, bear in mind that moves are afoot to charge to use the CSA so you need to carefully weigh up what is best for you and the children

There are 3 children therefore the OP gets 25%. The 15% figure you quote is for 1 child.

The CSA charges you refer to have by all accounts been widely regarded as shelved.

Original poster
Pantone363 · 19/02/2012 21:17

Sparks, thank you. I do know that lots of lone parents get bugger all from the NRP and I should be glad hes willingly coughing up (including sending a copy of his weekly payslip so I know hes not conning me)

Its just going to take some getting use to.

No way am I asking him for more (i'd rather crawl on glass)

OP posts:
GenericTalkName · 19/02/2012 21:22

Hi, it's shit now I know but it will get better.

My friend was in similar sit years ago, although her DCs were a bit older. She struggled while her XP hid his earnings behind self-employment.

Fast forward to today, her DS has just bought her a car and her DD has invited her out to Canada to stay for a month, flights paid. They think their dad is a prick for not helping when they were growing up and their mum is a heroine.

It will get better x

Sparks1 · 19/02/2012 21:30

Well good luck pantone, i hope with time things will settle. They normally always do. Smile

generic This bloke is fulfilling his responsibilities from what we know so it's quite different to your friend.

springaroundthecorner · 19/02/2012 22:01

Pantone, you have my sympathies. When I read "you've done sad, you've done angry, now you just feel bitter" you echoed my own thoughts this evening. I tell myself these too will pass. All these negative emotions are transient. A better time awaits us I am sure.

Thats a lovely story from Generic.

ThePinkPussycat · 19/02/2012 22:07

How lovely that 'D'MIL is looking after her spoilt little boy. My MIL was quite dear to me, but she ruined stbx, with the best of intentions: he is a spoilt narcissistic cock lodger.

Can you feel the freedom? Brew

Original poster
Pantone363 · 19/02/2012 22:31

Oh she did ask me first if it was alright for hiim to move into hers as she 'didn't want to condone what he did'

No, make him live in a fucking bedsit for 6 mths.

OP posts:
ThePinkPussycat · 19/02/2012 22:36
LadyMedea · 19/02/2012 22:38

Might be nice if you are the kids could live rent free where he is living... And he looks after the house!

Bellie · 19/02/2012 22:39

Pantone, you have voiced exactly what I am feeling right now. Everyone keeps telling me it will get better and I hope they are right for you and me Smile.

Sparks1 · 19/02/2012 22:44

What were your previous joint responsibilities OP?

Is the house mortgaged or rented? Is the car you own in both you names?

As i say, you need to practical.

Original poster
Pantone363 · 19/02/2012 23:08

House is rented, tenancy now changed to my name.

The car was in his name but he never drives it. We have agreed that I will keep the car (he has signed it over to me) and he will take his jetski that was bought out of family money.

Everything else in the house is staying with me. He has taken (ie I bagged them up in bin liners) his clothes, books, playstation and some photos.

He has agreed to me keeping everything else.

OP posts:
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