How do I stop myself feeling so bitter.

[Pantone363]

DH and I split christmas day after I found out about his 9 month affair.

I've done sad, i've done angry. Now I just feel bitter.

I went to pick the kids up from his today and they weren't ready so I had to go in to wait.

His house is lovely, loads of space, freshly painted, everything tidy and in its place. He has new clothes, trainers, furniture, curtains. We have been living in our overcrowded house that has one wardrobe for storage for 5 years.

I have £90 in the bank to last until Friday, he has god knows how much. He is paying me 25% of his net pay. But at this time of the year he earns a lot and hes not paying any bills because his mother has given him her rental to live in.

So im paying all our bills/car with 20% and income support. And hes got his 80% and nothing to pay apart from his phone, water and power.

We just drove back from the park and his work van is in the gym carpark. So whilst i've got to do dinner/uniforms/homework/packed lunches, he's in the gym and spa until however long he feels like it.

I feel SO SO SO SO SO hard done by. I know this is a woe is me post but I really feel like I have been thoroughly fucked over. And its making me feel so bitter.

He walked away from any money we had in the bank and has set up a new account that his bills come out of and his money goes into. Transfers the CM over to me on a Friday

All very amicable and grown up

The only slight sticking point is that he wants to pay a percentage of the car bills and then to use it at the weekend when he has the children. Its a people carrier as we need the 3 car seats and he can't use his company van.

He could buy another car but thinks its easier if he just uses mine whilst he has them, but how do you work out how much he actually should pay? And then what about services/tyres/diesel etc.

Mileage or time are the options, I suppose. And something towards your transport?

Sounds like you have a good setup OP - which certainly helps on the bitterness front - but bitterness is par for the course in situations like this. You did nothing wrong and yet your entire life has been up-ended, whereas he has landed in a bed of roses. Not fair, totally NOT FAIR. It's perfectly normal to feel bitter, a rite of passage. Give yourself a break, find a release for your feelings - someone I know took up kick-boxing, another woman took up running and lost a tonne of weight . I'd avoid going into his house in future if you can help it though. His mum sounds reasonable too if she asked you if it was ok - though you could hardly say no eh? ime life has a way of paying back shitty behaviour - you have to wait a while though but by then you've got your own glorious life and don't care. It's early days (so give yourself a break) but do what you can to invest into your future long term. You may struggle for a while but it will pay off and you'll be proud of yourself. YOu may even end up doing something that you never would have done if things carried on the way they were...

He should pay half towards car if he expects to have any regular use

Same here. My Ex went on some 5* holiday with the OW at Christmas and did not see our DS as he told me he needed to get away!! He only left me in October and had by that point only seen DS 3 times so not sure what he needed to get away from! He never paid for a single holiday when I was with him so bitter is an understatement!

Ex also has £1500 a month left after his bills have come out to spend on himself and when I asked him for £80 more so I can buy food and some money towards heating he told me 'it was not up to him to keep me in the lifestyle I was accustomed to' WTF! Food and heating for our son. Men are such twats and the OW is welcome to him LOL

I would like to know how I can stop being so bitter too.

But it is if you are married and divorcing. It even asks you what lifestyle you are accustomed to on Form E. Obviously the coat has to be cut according to the cloth available, but it is deffo taken into account by courts dealing with financial settlements.

I dunno how you stop feeling bitter- I still do if I think about it too much (ex is living in a quarter of a million pound flat, new kitchen and bathroom, etc., despite only having worked since around the time I met him as he was on benefits before that, but now has basically walked into a job where he can work from home, he has the flat because his parents bought him a flat in London when he was 18 ffs not through his own earnings at all so I can't see it as deserved in any way either). I think the only thing is to not think about it, keep yourself so busy you can't and when it does hit, distract yourself with crap Tv/books/computer games/exercise and chocolate/beer. I don't even have faith that my daughter will see through it when she's older either as the way society is going it's considered that men can just do what they like, so that's no consolation. But eh, life's too short to keep thinking about it too much and it's not like you get much time to think with young kids anyway, right?

When I have more free time/energy I might start campaigning for CSA maintenance amounts to reflect real child raising costs i.e. be at least 50% of absent parents income which is probably what most RPs pay for their children, but I don't have the strength for it at the moment.

Sorry I mean disposable income after rent etc, obviously I don't think nrps should be homeless but they shouldn't be swanning around like pigs in shit either while their kids live in poverty.

am I missing something?

Surely, OP when your divorce comes though you will be entitled to maintenance, and not simply money for the children?

I can't see any court awarding you just 20% as child support if your Dh earns 80% and you 20% of what used to be joint income.

If you cannot earn enough to support you all, and your career is on hold due to child care or too few qualifications, or you simply will never earn the same as your es, then your ex should have to pay more until you can get back on your feet as an independent person?

time is what stops you being bitter! dds father walked out on us when she was 18 months old, she is now 20, beautiful, bright, lovely, the light of my life, i have a wonderful dh and a very good life - i knew i was over 'bitter' when a few years ago i suddenly realised that i had NO feelings towards exh AT ALL i honestly dont care if he is dead, alive, ill, well, rich or poor, happy, depressed, i honestly couldnt care less - its true what they say, revenge is a life well lived! OP, give yourself time, try and ignore and move past all that you 'think' he has, oh, he can go to gym and live in a tidy house, you got the better bargain! you got the kids, their love and when older their respect, they WILL judge him! you dont need to say a word, his actions will be all to plain for tehm to see!

hi op i have read your post and can i start by saying i wouldnt let him have the car and leave you stranded everytime he has kids, he sounds like he earns enough to get himself a little run around and you may want to work, go to gym yourself etc when he has kids, tbh i think hes taking the piss a bit with that one, also have you phoned tax credits helpline you should be able to claim something for having the kids with you most of the time, and working tax credits if you are able to work over 16 hours a week,

as for feeling bitter you will for a while it is part of the process of recovering from this, i found counselling helped me, maybe book an app with your gp and see if they can offer anything also book an app with CAB and see what they can offer, knowing that exh has more free time than you is frustrating i know but its just the way it is, unless he has kids50/50 and you worked and recieved less tax credits and maintenance theres not alot you can do about it, i have found concentrating on myself and the kids has helped and i have slowly started to do new things with them and create special days out and treats, just for us (all reasonably priced ) and having the odd day to myself when ex has kids to do what i want, sorry bit waffley, havent got any magic cure, just give yourself time to adjust to this,