gifts from abusive parents - what to do?

[CandleInTheWine]

Hi, name changing regular looking for a bit of advice please. I cut contact with my mother a short while ago after I confronted her about verbal and physical abuse during childhood and into adulthood. She denied everything but then said this was how everyone parented in the 80's and to be honest I have grown up thinking it was normal behaviour. Have not heard from her since.
Enough is enough and I don't want her or my enabling father near me again.
I had been low contact with them anyway and not allowing them to see dc without me there and I feel greatly relieved now that I don't have to see them as I generally live in fear of them.
But they have sent a birthday present for dc which I don't wish to accept - on one hand I feel I'm depriving them of a relationship with GP's but on the other I know they won't change and therefore don't want any contact at all whatsoever, however indirect it is. Its taken me several years to get to this point in my life. I want to return the gift (which is unopened and dc know nothing about) but I feel really guilty about it - for dc but also for potentially hurting my parents feelings. I don't want to give it to charity or bin it as that way they'll think I've accepted the gift for dc and that they can continue to contact dc, which I don't wish to happen at all.
I feel as evil as my mother sending the stuff back but can't see another way to make my position clearer to her. Should I send it back to her or would I be making myself as bad as her? She has bad mouthed me to rest of family over the years so its not as if I have any reputation left to lose anyway!
if anyone has done anything similar I would be grateful to hear how it went, or what you did instead.
Sorry for such a ramble and any typos!

I would go from low to no contact particularly if you are in such fear of them.
If you want to send it back unopened then do so. You owe your parents nothing after the vile abusive ways they treated you and they're still trying it on by using the child this time around.

Many adults who were children of such toxic parents often have FOG- fear, obligation, guilt so what you are feeling is not totally unusual at all.

Gifts as well can be loaded emotionally and can be also about power and control; you are wise to be returning it. Do not send any acknowledgement at all, just return it as it is.

Your mother's actions are typical toxic parent type responses; if you have not read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward I would suggest you do so.
I would also not worry unduly about supposedly "deprieving" them of gps; toxic parents never make for good kind grandparents either. Ensure that both you and the children have good and kind role models in their lives.

I don't want to give it to charity or bin it as that way they'll think I've accepted the gift for dc and that they can continue to contact dc, which I don't wish to happen at all.

Why does it matter that they know? You know it certainly won't change their behaviour, or their chosen view of you.

Also, even if you sent the gifts back, they are still completely free to keep trying to contact the DC. Given the kind of people they are, they won't be going "Oh well, that's us told then" if you send the stuff back, or even directly ask for no contact.

I would bin, or give to charity, and leave it at that. The only thing to do with toxic people is to ignore them. Even telling them to fuck off is engagement. Don't bother.

Thanks Atilla - I hoped you would reply!
It does feel like a power thing with them and whilst not taking much to do with dc lives I know they would use emotional manipulation with / through them. Thanks for you support, and yes have read the book following recommendations on MN!
Not sure how often I'll be able to check on the thread today but I'll be back later.

x post HotDamn, thanks,you have gave me stuff to think about it, I hadn't considered it that way, thank you.

I would bin, or give to charity, and leave it at that. The only thing to do with toxic people is to ignore them. Even telling them to fuck off is engagement. Don't bother

What I think.

I really feel for you op and have been there
Give it to charity like the others say - don't engage ... In my experience the gifts soon stop as the toxic family don't offer gifts through love or altruism ...
Hope you feel calm about it - stay strong

I have given this some more thought.

I would give the item to the charity shop or bin it as the others respondents have suggested. Any contact from you even returning the gift unopened may give them a signal to try again.

Thanks all. I will think about this, the only worry is that they might think we've accepted the gift and see it as a green light to continue? I can see them turning up at Easter for example, though they will not be allowed in, my resolve is strong on that one! But I have to say throwing gift in bin seems like the easiest and less stressful option.

they might think we've accepted the gift and see it as a green light to continue?

Again: they will think what they want, for their own reasons, whatever you do. (aka: you betcha they will keep trying to push it, and no you can't stop them. All you can control is your own reaction.)

Ignore ignore ignore, and definitely refuse to let them in if they turn up unannounced, ever.

Bear in mind that you can, if it feels necessary, take out an injunction forbidding them to contact you at all. You may not think the situation is severe enough to warrant this, but it's reassuring to know that the possibility exists: they cannot even legally enforce contact with the DC, let alone with you.

Thanks sgb. The police are aware of the issues (not the gift though) and were very supportive, and encouraging about pressing charges - not sure if ready for that yet - that'll be a whole other thread! But yes I could see that they may support me re an injunction if necessary.

If I were you I would let your dc have the gift and just don't say anything about it. To stress yourself with sending it back will create more unease for you and more worry than the alternative imho. If the present giving is between your parents and your child then you don't have to let it involve you anyway.

All of us who have toxic parents know well that whatever we do it's wrong. Accepting the gift does not mean that you are letting them back into your life imo.

Selfishly I would not want the gift near my precious child....

perceptionality, thank you for your thoughts, but like NotanOtter says, I don't want my parents gifts near my dc. Difficult to explain but I feel sort of contaminated having anything to do with them in my home, and also it feels slightly manipulative of both me and the dc. Plus the fact she is totally disregarding me as well as my wishes about them to have no contact with my dc.

I'm glad to hear you have supportive police officers aware of your situation.

If it gives you any hope, my toxic parents gave up sending gifts after a mere 11 months. Gifts are for manipulating people, for buying their time and attention, so there is no point just posting a present to a grandchild you don't get to see, is there?

I sent the gifts to the charity shop, because returning them would have been seen as a basis for reopening communication.

I also felt guilty about "depriving" my children; my lovely dh regularly points out that that it isn't me who is depriving them of a wonderful relationship with loving grandparents - my parents choose not to be those people.

Bertha and HotDAMN, thanks, I think I can see what you've all been getting at- sending gift back will reopen communication and as you say they will stop sending them (hopefully) when they get no response at all - they saw dc very infrequently: they were not interested in them really, so yes Bertha, they have deprived themselves by there own actions.
Thanks all for helping me see things more objectively.

I think the main point to remember is that you have no control over how they behave at all, however sending something back is a definite response - its shows that they have got to you.

After much soul searching in my situation I decided to accept gifts and send a thankyou card from the children that just says "thankyou, love DS1 and DS2"

I am NOT saying that this is the right solution for everyone. My parents live a long way away and are very unlikely to simply turn up on my door step. Also, while they are toxic, they have never done anything that called for police intervention.

I would also agree though that you are not depriving your children of something that is worth having. - yes of course you want them to having loving, involved grandparents, but your parents aren't that, and won't be however much contact you allow them.

I think you should accept the gift and get dc to send a thank you letter.This relationship is theirs with their grandparents not yours with your parents.The dc can decide when they are old enough.If any gifts come for you send them straight back-dont even accept them from the post man-just 'return to sender'.

thegreylady

This action you suggest, whilst completely acceptable to those with "normal" and healthy functioning parents, will spectacularly backfire with the OPs parents. She herself has had a lifetime of their abuse at their hands; it is more than okay to protect herself and her children from such damaged people who will not change.

Gifts in these cases are more often than not used to manipulate the recipient and that is what has happened here.

Sending the gifts back for my parents would defo' be seen as a way to restart communication....and sending a Thank you note from DC's might as well be an open offer to 'tea' whenever it suited said parents! Eeek!

I put all cards back in the post box, unopened and marked return to sender....my parents are withholding their postal adress from me so I am 99% sure the cards won't actually go back...but in my head I feel I am taking a stand by doing this...stopping communication before it happens so to speak.

Pressies have gone to Charity. I can never bring myself to 'bin' them as it seems such a waste. I figure another child not as lucky as mine, can at least have some obligation free joy from the pressies this way.

Interesting thread, I actually was going to start a similar one myself.

Don't mean to hijack, OP and sorry if anyone things I'm cheeky for asking, but advice would be good.

I have been trying to faze out and cut contact with a relation, not my parents. This person doesn't send presents to my DC but sometimes sends birthday or Easter cards with £ in them.

Really I want nothing to do with her and don't need her money as even seeing her cards makes me ill.

Up until now I've just accepted the £ and the cards, but usually I stick the £ in a charity collection or give it away.

A few weeks ago she sent me a letter basically saying I was horrible to old people, taking her money (even though she fecking sent it to my DC!!!) and how she doesn't have much money left blah blah blah. This letter was not replied to by me and I haven't physically seen her in over a year.

DS birthday is coming up soon and I dread the idea that she will send a card with £ in it. Do I send it back unopened? Do I keep the card but return the money? Do I accept it and say nothing?

It's all manipulation and I know it. She knows I have my own life and want to keep my DC away from her (she hasn't seen DS since he was a small baby) but still she keeps twisting.

Sorry again for hijack, but I thought my situation had some similarities to the OP's.

Hi NeedlesCuties

Under the circumstances you describe and if I had the persons address I'd return the cards unopened - I did this with my sister, she used to send money for the DC's. I only had to do it once and all cards and money stopped.

....please to be ready for the 'fallout' afterwards though...you will branded the worst of the worst for standing by your boundaries loud and clear in such a blatant way.

Mizzy thanks for replying, yes I do have her address. DH tells me I should return everything unopened. Another close relation who was actively abused by the person I've cut contact with tells me to just ignore every thing but to not send it back.

Hard to know what is best, but my own gut tells me to send it all back in the hope that she doesn't write to me or DC ever ever again.

I'm bracing myself for the fallout though, as I know it will happen. I'm almost 4 months pregnant so that will give her extra ammunition too and something else to be twisting about.

Listen to your gut then Needles....even if the decision to return the items turns out to be the wrong one at least that way you are being true to yourself.

Tbh People like this always seem to start their attacks when people like us are feeling vulnerable...they seem to have an inbuilt sensor for hitting us during our wobbly moments.

Sadly it's usually a tactic that works and before you know it 'we' are right back in the 'mess' of it all...not this time though...you have a new baby on the way and lots of exciting things to beat their negativity away with.

Big Congrats on the new baby!