gifts from abusive parents - what to do?

[CandleInTheWine]

Hi, name changing regular looking for a bit of advice please. I cut contact with my mother a short while ago after I confronted her about verbal and physical abuse during childhood and into adulthood. She denied everything but then said this was how everyone parented in the 80's and to be honest I have grown up thinking it was normal behaviour. Have not heard from her since.
Enough is enough and I don't want her or my enabling father near me again.
I had been low contact with them anyway and not allowing them to see dc without me there and I feel greatly relieved now that I don't have to see them as I generally live in fear of them.
But they have sent a birthday present for dc which I don't wish to accept - on one hand I feel I'm depriving them of a relationship with GP's but on the other I know they won't change and therefore don't want any contact at all whatsoever, however indirect it is. Its taken me several years to get to this point in my life. I want to return the gift (which is unopened and dc know nothing about) but I feel really guilty about it - for dc but also for potentially hurting my parents feelings. I don't want to give it to charity or bin it as that way they'll think I've accepted the gift for dc and that they can continue to contact dc, which I don't wish to happen at all.
I feel as evil as my mother sending the stuff back but can't see another way to make my position clearer to her. Should I send it back to her or would I be making myself as bad as her? She has bad mouthed me to rest of family over the years so its not as if I have any reputation left to lose anyway!
if anyone has done anything similar I would be grateful to hear how it went, or what you did instead.
Sorry for such a ramble and any typos!

Hi, thanks all for the further replies.

Update is that after thinking about all your advice I was set to bin the present, rather than give to charity because I could not face opening it all. However my dh has taken it and posted it back today! He said he wanted to show them loud and clear that we wanted no contact and manipulation of our dc. So Mizziefrizzie like you say I am waiting on the fall out now that I have stood up for myself. Am slightly terrified of their reaction and feel guilty and nasty doing this to them, but at the same time I also feel strong at the for making a sort of stand, although I see it might be the wrong way to do it.

thegreylady I would not trust my parents not to abuse or manipulate my dc, in fact the police said I was correct to keep dc away in order to protect them, even though the physical abuse has not happened for a long time, not that the GPs have been interested in their lives anyway.

Needles of course you are not hijacking. I'm sorry for your predicament - my mother sounds like your relative - twists your actions etc and blames you for their own so that you cannot win and then you are criticised by those they tell about how awful you are. This is why I have found it so hard to state my own boundaries. I think in your situation you should send anything back unopened, you won't win either way - though maybe you should wait and see what the fallout is in my situation first!

Thanks everyone for all your advice, it has been helpful getting your perspective.
Sorry if x posting with anyone else.

FWIW..I've found the 'fallout' from being brazen about my boundaries far easier to deal with than being sucked back into it all again.

Sadly it's my other relatives that I am still in contact with that get the grief from my parents....but they don't have much to do with them either, so the grief is short lived from what I've been told and easily dealt with by a 'not my argument' type comment.

I hope they just stop all contact CandleInTheWine and just let you be in peace. x

OP - your DH seems like a good support, glad you have him. My DH is lovely too, but just doesn't understand. His family are all lovely and he just can't get his head around the idea of a young person being abused by a family member and the hold that still has on the victim as an adult.

DH has seen the recent letters I've got from my relation. They always start so nicely then turn nasty as the letter progresses. If it wasn't my life I'd almost be amused by the shite she says in them. I'm in my late 20s and have received such letters since the age of around 8. I thought that everyone had experiences like that.

Is interesting though as you on this thread, especially the OP have been abused by parents. In my case I am the grandchild, eldest child of her eldest child. Gran abused all her children but as they became adults and started to cut contact I became her target as I didn't know about the abuses they'd suffered and wanted a relationship with her. Big mistake!

My advice to you OP (and anyone else suffering with torn emotions re your children and your parents) is to not let your toxic parents have access to your DC, even in terms of phone calls, screen their letters if needed. My dad knew his mother was abusive, but hoped she could change and show love to her grandchildren. Turns out a leopard doesn't change its spots.

He has no idea I've been getting these letters and I don't want to tell him as a lot of the content is her trying to bad mouth my dad and twisting history. All part of her game to play us off against the other.

Any wonder I don't let her see my DC?! OP, you need to do what is best for yourself and your DC and DH. If even the police are telling you that then I think that you know what needs done.

Hi OP and others...I am so sorry for what you are going through...I am in a similar situation, though its me they still want to contact (don't have any children). I just got a call from my sister today asking what she wants me to do cuz my mother asked her for my address to send me "something"...

All of her gifts are used as manipulation ploys and to show everyone how "good" a mother she is (they come with huge guilt attached). I absolutely DO NOT want her to have my address nor to send me anything. A year or more ago, I sent her and my father an email telling them not to try and contact me...well, as far as I am concerned, trying to mail something to someone is still trying to make contact! So that proves to me that she still has no boundaries herself nor does she respect the boundaries of others (same story I grew up around).

I want to send a communication through my sister that she is not allowed to send me anything, that she cannot have my address and that if she were to ever send me anything I would send it back...the problem? I feel so MEAN and GUILTY about sending a message like this, but at the same time, getting "anything" from her/them would set off so many landmines in my brain and body.

These situations are so incredibly difficult and its nice to hear other stories of people who have survived and even thrived despite (or rather because of) setting these types of boundaries.

Dont feel gulity, you did not ask for this situation to be brought to you. I would tell sister to pass on that you have said no to anyone having your address unless you expressly give it, keep it neutral.