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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to I end my marriage and get him to leave?

46 replies

Howcouldhedothis · 18/02/2012 23:19

Name changed for this.

Just found photos on my husbands phone of our friend (and neighbour) passed out. A few weeks ago me and her were having a few drinks, my kids and her daughter were asleep in my house. Anyway my neighbour drank too much and fell asleep/ passed out on our couch. My husband (who was sober) went out the back door for a smoke before coming to bed. He was taking ages so I went through to look for him and found him standing next to pissed neighbour. He said she had undone her jeans and he was trying to stop her pulling them down and cover her up with a blanket. I took his word for it. She was quite drunk and had already tried to proposition me while not quite sure who I was. Today though while looking at photos on his phone I found two of a man pulling down a womanise bra and showing her breast and I'm sure it's her and can only have been him.

There have been other incidents as well in our relationship relating to porn/photos which he's always managed to talk me round on and he's always maintained innocence until he was blue in the face. Will never admit anything and denied it said it was online porn when I challenged him. Has his phone back now so no evidence and just denies everything and is sitting here watching telly as if nothing has happened. How do I get him to leave. There is no way we can get past this is there. I have 2 children, one his, one he has brought up as his own since she was a few months old. Both in bed. What do I do? How do I get him to leave? Sorry if it's all a bit garbled I am really shaken. I'm on my phone and he's sitting in the room with ne. So upset and angry. How could he do this? We've been together for 6 years, and married for two.

OP posts:
Original poster
Howcouldhedothis · 18/02/2012 23:20

Also our flat and mortgage in my name but we've lived in it and paid jointly since I bought it. What rights do I have?

OP posts:
kodachrome · 18/02/2012 23:38

Omg, that's awful. He sexually assaulted your neighbour. Shock

kodachrome · 18/02/2012 23:42

Get yourself a free initial half-hour with a family law solicitor asap. He will have a claim on the house as you're married, but you may be able to get an occupation order to get him out, if he won't leave when asked.

michglas · 18/02/2012 23:44

Tell your neighbour, make sure you back up the photos, and get her to report him to the police. What a low-life scumbag

cornflowers · 18/02/2012 23:44

I would suggest to him that you will be informing your neighbour and contacting the police if he doesn't leave.

SunnyMogsy · 18/02/2012 23:45

I'm so sorry for you, it sounds really awful. I've just got divorced (it took 3 years because he refused to co-opperate). As far as the legal stuff goes, as you are married all the assets AND liabilities will be shared between you if you split up. Personally I would be scared for my child, being in the same house, but only you can decide what to do.

lydiamama · 18/02/2012 23:50

I am shocked, he would do such a thing in his own house, where his own children are sleeping, where you are, and to his neighbour, with her daughter in the same house!!!!!!!!!!! So much depravation, he is a danger to your own children, it could have being them checking his phone, and finding this kind of picture, arghhhhhhhhh Just get a solicitor, and talk to your neighbour, show her the pictures, she can press charges for that. By no means let him to get hold of his phone, just make it disappear and pretend he lost it somewhere. get rid of him ASAP

Original poster
Howcouldhedothis · 18/02/2012 23:55

He has his phone and knows I've seen it. Why did I give it back to him? He just says it's online porn and he's deleted it now and turns it round on me having a go at me for looking in his phone. I have no evidence now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Howcouldhedothis · 18/02/2012 23:56

Also no face in the picture but i know it was him. He also does security at gigs and festivals etc so in a position of trust with drunk women.

OP posts:
likeatonneofbricks · 19/02/2012 00:00

he wouldn't have a 50-50 claim on a house, or anywhere near! it's in your name, so he can only claim what he contributed with the bills and payments, which can be paid off to hime in cash, but you have two kids so law on your side as far as the house. But he'll be paying alimony.

Original poster
Howcouldhedothis · 19/02/2012 00:01

He just said he cannot trust me not to invade his privacy after I said didn't trust him so I told him that we should divorce. He threw his ring at me and went outside to smoke but is now sitting on the couch again watching tv. So upset and scared. What do I do without evidence and if my neighbour doesn't remember?

OP posts:
Original poster
Howcouldhedothis · 19/02/2012 00:03

Can't stand to stay here with him. I feel sick. If I leave and go to my parents will it make it harder to get him out of my house?

OP posts:
likeatonneofbricks · 19/02/2012 00:05

just divorce him on unreasonable behaviour grounds. You can't prove anything now re neighbour anyway.

likeatonneofbricks · 19/02/2012 00:06

no, don't go to parents! it will be harder, and you don't know what he will be up to in your house! can parents come and stay for a bit?

lydiamama · 19/02/2012 00:07

If the evidences are gone, you have no way to pull that last incident on him, but you can for sure still divorce him. Get a solicitor and start the proceedings. And check his email account if he has one, and computer, there may be something there.

kodachrome · 19/02/2012 00:09

You don't need to prove anything.

He had no trouble invading your poor neighbour's privacy, did he? Ugh.

SunnyMogsy · 19/02/2012 00:10

Try to get an Occupancy order,police or solicitor or women's aid can help with this. You get to stay in the house and he has to leave. If you're going to go, make sure the kids are safe first, then try and get the things that may be important later like passport etc. Or stuff like sentimental jewelry if you think he might sell it out of spite. Thinking of you xx

likeatonneofbricks · 19/02/2012 00:11

why should she leave her own house? with children!

izzyizin · 19/02/2012 00:12

If the property/mortgage is in your sole name you can require him to leave and ask the police to remove him if he won't go voluntarily.

Alternatively, you can take his keys and/or change the locks when he's out and refuse to let him back in - if he tries to gain entry without your consent it will be a police matter.

Should he make any claim on the property he'll need to substantiate it in a Court of Law by producing evidence of mortage payments etc, but financial matters of this nature are commonly dealt with during the divorce process and, given that you have dc, it won't necesarily be a 50/50 split or any other percentage that is in his favour.

From what you've said, it sounds as if you have more than sufficient grounds to petition for divorce citing his unreasonable behaviour. Go for it!!

FTR, your local Women's Aid service can recommend solicitors who specialise in divorce and family law and who offer a free half an hour initial consultation. Visit www.womensaid.org.uk to find the number of your local branch.

Smurfy1 · 19/02/2012 00:14

Does he g out to work? You could get the locks changed when he is out BUT as the marritable home you can't refuse him access (I may be wrong though)

Definately speak to a lawyer

MissMarplesSidekick · 19/02/2012 00:14

Go to a solicitor tomorrow. Be carefull how you talk to your friend, get some advice on that.

horsetowater · 19/02/2012 00:16

Don't worry right now about the ins and outs. First thing you need to do is to be direct and assertive with him NOW. He threw the ring at you, he wants out too. Tell him to leave - don't wait and see. He knows what he has done is against the law. He knows you know that. He will leave if you are strong enough.

Don't hang about on mumsnet tonight, deal with your real life situation.

But come back and tell us how it went ;). Good luck.

ballstoit · 19/02/2012 00:16

Have you got someone who would come and stay tonight? If not, I'd be tempted to contact the police and ask them to remove him from your home tonight. You have found evidence that he sexually assaulted someone while they were sleeping, which is a good enough reason to not want him in the house with you tonight.

Then solicitor first thing Monday.

izzyizin · 19/02/2012 00:17

You don't need any photos or other 'hard' evidence to petition for divorce and, as the law stands, the property is yours and you get to say who is allowed to be in it.

As the property is in your sole name, there's no need for you to get an occupation order to have him removed - get the necessary documents to hand and call the police if he won't go willingly.

SunnyMogsy · 19/02/2012 00:17

Please check out women's aid. They can help you even if you don't leave him. I was in refuge for a year and a half, it's not as bad as you think.