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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to I end my marriage and get him to leave?

46 replies

Howcouldhedothis · 18/02/2012 23:19

Name changed for this.

Just found photos on my husbands phone of our friend (and neighbour) passed out. A few weeks ago me and her were having a few drinks, my kids and her daughter were asleep in my house. Anyway my neighbour drank too much and fell asleep/ passed out on our couch. My husband (who was sober) went out the back door for a smoke before coming to bed. He was taking ages so I went through to look for him and found him standing next to pissed neighbour. He said she had undone her jeans and he was trying to stop her pulling them down and cover her up with a blanket. I took his word for it. She was quite drunk and had already tried to proposition me while not quite sure who I was. Today though while looking at photos on his phone I found two of a man pulling down a womanise bra and showing her breast and I'm sure it's her and can only have been him.

There have been other incidents as well in our relationship relating to porn/photos which he's always managed to talk me round on and he's always maintained innocence until he was blue in the face. Will never admit anything and denied it said it was online porn when I challenged him. Has his phone back now so no evidence and just denies everything and is sitting here watching telly as if nothing has happened. How do I get him to leave. There is no way we can get past this is there. I have 2 children, one his, one he has brought up as his own since she was a few months old. Both in bed. What do I do? How do I get him to leave? Sorry if it's all a bit garbled I am really shaken. I'm on my phone and he's sitting in the room with ne. So upset and angry. How could he do this? We've been together for 6 years, and married for two.

OP posts:

izzyizin · 19/02/2012 00:20

You're wrong, Smurfy. Regardless of the fact that it is the marital home, sole name = sole occupancy = the OP's right to determine who she wants to be in her home at any given time.

NotWell · 19/02/2012 00:22

Wont the pics be retrievable even if he has deleted them? I would go through his computer now if I were you OP....his job is a real concern.

You could just tell the police...I know I would...I wouldn't let him get away with this.

MissMarplesSidekick · 19/02/2012 00:25

If you tell the police, tonight once he's asleep, they may get the phone before it gets lost and retrieve the pictures, they will be best placed regarding the security guard licence and breaking the news to your friend.

Original poster

Howcouldhedothis · 19/02/2012 00:25

It's shared ownership with housing association so I don't think I can change locks without their consent. Can't access his email etc as don't know his passwords. Mortgage and occupancy agreement are both in my name but he is named as an occupant. He will be leaving for work around 11.30 in the morning. Can I just call a locksmith? Will they just change the locks and I can worry about housing association later? How much do locksmiths cost? I have very little money.

OP posts:

likeatonneofbricks · 19/02/2012 00:28

I'm sure he won't let he go through his computer/e-mail, he knows he has to be careful now. Just focus on the divorce, OP. Unreasonable behaviour can be constant lying, indecent photos of women on his phone (without having to produce evidence - of course he'd delete it all). As far as the neighbour, it's too late now to deal with that. But I can see you aer concerned that he works at gigs with access to women, whether you have stamina to take this on - he may turn very nasty if you contact his company, I think it's not the right timing for that, too much stress for you, but you could do it later when you feel up to it.

Original poster

Howcouldhedothis · 19/02/2012 00:28

We were really good friends got 2 years before we got together. He has always been there for me. Even turned me down when I first tried to kiss him as I was drunk and he didn't want to take advantage or me to regret it. How did my wonderful trustworthy loving husband turn into this?

OP posts:

threeleftfeet · 19/02/2012 00:28

The women's aid number is 0808 2000 247

MissMarplesSidekick · 19/02/2012 00:31

He put on a mask, you are not the only one to have been sucked in by such a man, it's very painful and a big shock for you right now, do get some rl support.

threeleftfeet · 19/02/2012 00:32

The pictures will probably still be in his phone, even after deleting them.

If phone memory works the same as computer memory, then when you "delete" something, it doesn't actually get deleted in reality. The computer / phone just makes that bit of memory available to be used again.

The picture itself will hang around in the memory, until the computer / phone reuses that exact bit of memory.

Which could happen soon, or not for a while.

The police will know how to access the deleted stuff.

NotWell · 19/02/2012 00:33

Don't think about the past...think about now. What you saw. That's enough for now. Really. You need to call that number...Women's AId have seen it all and will help.

threeleftfeet · 19/02/2012 00:33

This info from Shelter might be useful

izzyizin · 19/02/2012 00:37

So it's not a property in your sole name? If it's a shared ownership and he's named as an 'occupant'? If he won't go willingly, you'll need an occupation order to remove him. Speak to your local Women's Aid service first thing Monday morning.

Don't worry about the allegedly incriminating photo or going through his computer as your petition for divorce will rely on your sworn affidavit which will be all the evidence that's needed to begin the process of ending your marriage.

Original poster

Howcouldhedothis · 19/02/2012 00:42

I'm in Scotland don't know if that makes the law different. When we first moved in housing association wouldn't put the agreement in both names as mortgage in my sole name so they said it should be the same so if we split up it didn't confuse things and was just in my name so I had all rights but this was before we got married so don't know if that changes things. Agreement is between me and ha but he is named as an occupant as part of my household.

OP posts:

threeleftfeet · 19/02/2012 00:47

Yes it could make a difference.

Here's a link to the same kind of info on the Shelter Scotland site

horsetowater · 19/02/2012 00:56

I still think he will leave - you need to tell him and mean it - worry about the home later. As long as you don't leave until you know for sure. My guess he will pack up his things and go - he must know he hasn't got a leg to stand on.

Smurfy1 · 19/02/2012 01:00

You're wrong, Smurfy. Regardless of the fact that it is the marital home, sole name = sole occupancy = the OP's right to determine who she wants to be in her home at any given time.

Nope I'm correct my friend went through this she couldn't stop her husband gaining entry and it was in her name as she called the police and all she could do was re-arrange a time and made sure some1 was there with her when he came back also she wasn't allowed to change the locks

izzyizin · 19/02/2012 01:03

The fact that you are in Scotland makes a significant different as it is my understanding that in Scottish law, regardless of who is named as owner of the property, a spouse or civil partner cannot be forcibly removed from the marital home without an occupaton order.

Visit www.scottishwomensaid.org.uk or call the 24/7 freephone helpline on 0800 027 1234 to find a lawyer near you but it may be that the free half hour consultation scheme does not apply north of the border.

You could also post on mumsnet's legal board later today in the hope that a Scottish divorce lawyer may log in.

Smurfy1 · 19/02/2012 01:03

Even if your name is not on the title deeds, you automatically acquire the right to live in the family home when you get married or register a civil partnership. If your name is not on the title deeds, you will be a 'non-entitled spouse' or 'non-entitled partner'. Your right to occupy the home will last either until:

you divorce or dissolve your civil partnership, or
you leave the family home and do not return for two years or more. You will only lose your rights in this way if, during the two years, you did not live with your partner/spouse or live in the family home. If you left the family home before 4 May 2006 then your right to return will last until you get divorced or 'renounce' (give up) your right to live there.

horsetowater · 19/02/2012 01:07

He thinks he can keep his perv life separate from his home life. It is clearly not the case now that he's assaulted your neighbour in your own home. He knows that.

If he's anything like the Scottish men I know he will know that being hauled up for sexual assault does not go down well with his mates. Tell him you want him out now. If he refuses, tell him you will call the police and you will tell all your friends.

threeleftfeet · 19/02/2012 11:08

How are things today? Hope you're ok.

jjgirl · 22/02/2012 04:11

I would take his phone to the police station. He sounds like a serious and dangerous sex offender.

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