I don't care and I'm actually starting to resent dh for facilitating her

[MilkMonitor]

Pil have just arrived home after a three day visit. Fil texted to say thanks and that mil cried most of the way home, saying how much she misses the gcs and how desperately they love them.

This kind of thing makes me really cross. Why does he need to tell us that? I feel it's part of their emotional blackmail style of life. And I'm beginning to feel that it's going to really encroach on us once fil retires next month.

Mil is only 59, doesn't work, has never worked and actively refuses to pursue any interests. Her response to any suggestions made is, "I'm only interested in the gcs. What else do I need?" Neither sets of gcs live in the same city as pil. Fil doesn't have any hobbies either.

Mil tells me she watches daytime tv and looks at photos of the gcs all day long. . Oh she might walk her dog. That's all she says she does whilst fil is at work.

Now, there's nothing I can do about that even though I find it a touch creepy if it's actually true. Why would someone able bodied and compos mentis just sit and look at photos all day long? What a waste.

She says she feels she should be able to see her gcs every day and spend time with them and that because we don't live in the same town as her, it's the cause of her depression.

ANYWAY, dh telephones them several times a week and he gives them a blow by blow account of what the gcs have been doing each and every day, what we've bought, what things have cost us and other details. Plus he skypes them every Friday night with the gcs.

I feel like pil are with us all the time, knowing exactly what we are doing, how we are doing it and how much it costs. I feel like dh reports on everything we do.

Frankly, I actually feel stalked even though they live 127 miles away. I hate it. I don't really want anyone knowing exactly what we're doing all the time, how much my new coffee table cost and how many times the dcs farted that morning. Why would anyone want to know that?

I would like dh to stop making these calls so often because I feel it totally facilitates mil's refusal to get her own life and keep busy. She says she's not busy in an accusing way as if it's our fault. Even if she did live near by, there is no way I'd want her around all that often anyway because she would simply centre her life around ours and I do not want to be responsible for her in that way.

I hate that sense of pressure that we feel when dh can't skype one time and fil sends him an email saying how upset mil gets when it's not been possible. I feel like they look to dh to make them happy, they simply can't be bothered to make a life for themselves and they definitely feel indignant that they can't revolve around us. He definitely feels guilt and obligation. I'm of the view that why on earth should he? They are grown ups and responsible for their own happiness.

Grrr. If they did have an active and full life of their own, the irony is I would feel far less irritated because it would all balanced. When fil retires, they are both going to be bored and both are going to start leaning on us simply because they can't be arsed to pursue anything else.

My own parents are equally loving to the gcs but have many hobbies and interests that keep them happy, active and engaged whilst still keeping in very active contact with us.

Why the difference?

I talk to my mum three or four times a week, and she sees my DCs once a week, and we're close so I tell her the detail of our lives, and she enjoys discussing DD1's development with me (is she ready for toilet training, do we think she's actually G&T or not (not)), is this the sort of thing your DH discusses, OP?

Because I guess my DH could feel invaded by that? But it's quite common if it's mum/daughter, surely?

But there's no guilt, or implication that our DC are the only reason for my mum living or anything. So which bit is the worst, the frequency and detail of the calls, or the guilt trip/implication that you must facilitate her reason for living?

i sympathise with you, but at least they're not living with you. they are are Able bodied so make use of them when possible they can babysit, you can get a break.

in my culture my mothers generation and the generation as soon as parents get old i.e past 50 they expect to be waited on hand and foot. they believe old people should be treated like royalty for all the hardships they've tolerated caring for their kids. but its funny that its the daughter in law rather than their own sons who are expected to do this pampering, sadly if these women dont have supportive husbands they will do as mummy says and get angry if the wife even mentions any troubles his parents give her,

times are changing but it still happens. im looking after my mil, but i do make a point of her doing whatever she can do by herself,, i,e she can make her breakfast, a cup of tea. at first i was doing that too, then my husband said she has no hobbies she does nothing all day but sleep so let her do whatever shes capable of,. she doesnt boss me around, keeps to herself most the time, but there are problems. she backchats about me ive given her no reason but i think she does it to get sympathy i.e look at me in old and not being looked. after by my dil, not the traditional way. but then againnshe speaks about her own son too, he knows it, of courseit upsets him, but he says shes my mother no matter what shes done she gavr birth to me so i should look after her in her old age,

i guess its about compromise, even if it wasnt the in laws theyd always be something in your relationship youd have to meet on half way. course the ideal would be no interfering in laws but thats a dream for many.

He would rather not discuss it at all. In fact, he would rather argue with me about it than effect a change.

OP, your problem is your DH, not your PIL.

I think your DH is as bigger issue as the in laws and you need to talk with him

I agree with you, the emotional blackmail ('I'm a poor old lonely lady' stuff) is awful. However, I do talk with my mum most days and tell her the details of my children's lives, she's the only one that is interested! My husband doesn't mind as he is not that interested in the details, and so views it as an opportunity not to hear it himself, although I wouldn't prioritise a phonecall to my mum over eating together/spending time in the evenings.