I don't care and I'm actually starting to resent dh for facilitating her

[MilkMonitor]

Pil have just arrived home after a three day visit. Fil texted to say thanks and that mil cried most of the way home, saying how much she misses the gcs and how desperately they love them.

This kind of thing makes me really cross. Why does he need to tell us that? I feel it's part of their emotional blackmail style of life. And I'm beginning to feel that it's going to really encroach on us once fil retires next month.

Mil is only 59, doesn't work, has never worked and actively refuses to pursue any interests. Her response to any suggestions made is, "I'm only interested in the gcs. What else do I need?" Neither sets of gcs live in the same city as pil. Fil doesn't have any hobbies either.

Mil tells me she watches daytime tv and looks at photos of the gcs all day long. . Oh she might walk her dog. That's all she says she does whilst fil is at work.

Now, there's nothing I can do about that even though I find it a touch creepy if it's actually true. Why would someone able bodied and compos mentis just sit and look at photos all day long? What a waste.

She says she feels she should be able to see her gcs every day and spend time with them and that because we don't live in the same town as her, it's the cause of her depression.

ANYWAY, dh telephones them several times a week and he gives them a blow by blow account of what the gcs have been doing each and every day, what we've bought, what things have cost us and other details. Plus he skypes them every Friday night with the gcs.

I feel like pil are with us all the time, knowing exactly what we are doing, how we are doing it and how much it costs. I feel like dh reports on everything we do.

Frankly, I actually feel stalked even though they live 127 miles away. I hate it. I don't really want anyone knowing exactly what we're doing all the time, how much my new coffee table cost and how many times the dcs farted that morning. Why would anyone want to know that?

I would like dh to stop making these calls so often because I feel it totally facilitates mil's refusal to get her own life and keep busy. She says she's not busy in an accusing way as if it's our fault. Even if she did live near by, there is no way I'd want her around all that often anyway because she would simply centre her life around ours and I do not want to be responsible for her in that way.

I hate that sense of pressure that we feel when dh can't skype one time and fil sends him an email saying how upset mil gets when it's not been possible. I feel like they look to dh to make them happy, they simply can't be bothered to make a life for themselves and they definitely feel indignant that they can't revolve around us. He definitely feels guilt and obligation. I'm of the view that why on earth should he? They are grown ups and responsible for their own happiness.

Grrr. If they did have an active and full life of their own, the irony is I would feel far less irritated because it would all balanced. When fil retires, they are both going to be bored and both are going to start leaning on us simply because they can't be arsed to pursue anything else.

My own parents are equally loving to the gcs but have many hobbies and interests that keep them happy, active and engaged whilst still keeping in very active contact with us.

Why the difference?

No, pil hardly visited dh when he first moved south. They've only really ramped up their avid interest since we had dcs.

Now I know what sil meant when she said at least some of the pressure was going to be off her when we announced our first pgy.

Dh doesn't mind them knowing everything. It keeps them happy so he's happy. I don't want to be the sort of person that says,"I don't want you to call your parents!" because that's really controlling but why can he not develop a balance?

I'm bracing myself for fil's retirement. I think the sh1t will really hit the fan then.

They just don't see why we can't be together as often as possible. I just don't want to, not with my parents or anyone else and I'm made to feel I am unreasonable because of this.

By the sounds of it your dh is just as much of the problem.
This kind of intrusiveness sounds like madness and I too would hate it. If your dh won't even discuss it with you then nothing is ever going to change is it! He will just argue with you if you try to establish your boundaries.
I don't know what to suggest really but you have my sympathies....good luck!!!

You have my sympathy. We are also in this position (except MiL is single so she didn't just move closer, she moved in...) and it's suffocating. There is no privacy, no boundaries, nowhere to relax - at one point I told my DH that if getting rid of him was the only way to get some space from her then I would seriously consider it. It caused huge arguments and left me with the feeling that I was no longer involved with living my own life.

You have to get your DH on board - and cut down her presence in your life so it becomes your life again. Point out to her that if she drives you to splitting she'll see her precious GCs a lot less! And that if she really loved them as she claims, she wouldn't be putting their parents relationship under such pressure. Because it's not good for you, or them.

I'm evil too then Milk because I told PILs (and DH) that I wouldn't let them come over this half-term because I wanted time to just us as a family. Think they all thought I was a bit mean, but I just insisted, gave my reasons (time for us to be just the five of us) then didn't discuss it further. We've had a lovely relaxing half-term as a result.

I don't think that your husband calling his mum and dad twice a week constitutes as stalking. Just ignore the other nonsense

But it's not twice a week. It's often every day and the guilt tripping that gies with it.

Oh right - you say several times a week in your op

I think this sounds intolerable. I'm absolutely with you when you say you find it intrusive and claustrophobic. I would too. And I'm sure that my resentment would spill over into all my dealings with them, even the "normal," reasonable ones.

Your dh doesn't want to talk about it? Well, tough, he's going to have to. It is a serious problem, that is going to adversely affect you all, if your feelings are not respected. Lie Point out to him that you want them to know your dcs, but that him enabling them in this way, beyond your comfort zone, is actually going to alienate you and you will be far less inclined to include them at all.

But it's easier said than done, I know. If you get desperate, maybe you should point out how little they might see of the dcs if you were to split up over it!!

MilkMonitor - you're really going to have it out with your DH. This is an awful situation.

If he won't talk to you, you could start to refuse to include him in things, not tell him a few things that have happened etc, telling him 'I don't mind telling you, but I refuse to tell your parents, but apparently everything I tell you is automatically told to your parents so no, I don't think I will' and see what happens!!!

Your PIL sound dominating and controlling, they have been controlling your DH all his life, so he's well trained, now they are looking forward to doing it to your children. Dominating controlling people like to start on little kids as they have no resistance, you are being persuaded to go along with this by being made to feel guilty about "upsetting" someone, although apparently it is ok for you to be upset...?!

Speaks volumes that one. I would get your self a copy of "if you had controlling parents" and the one about controlling in-laws as well. Sadly your DH may take years to realise what dreadful people his parents are. But unless you want your PIL running your family with you being constantly told not to upset anyone, you will need to make a stand sometime soon, be very very firm with what they can and can't do. If they are anything like my gran they'll tell your kids you are a crap mother and try to win their affection by underhand means while your DH asks you not to "upset" them.

It's a crappy family dynamic that I was brought up in. I really came to hate my grandmother and everyone around her who facilitated her bullying and dominance. My brother and I still shudder if we ever talk about her.

You have to lay down the law with DH about it. Bottom line is that he should care more about how you feel than about how they do.

I had this with DH and MIL when we 1st married. She is divorced, he is the eldest of a large family and he had been surrogate husband for her in some ways. She used to call him multiple times a day including at work. To me this is bizarre in the extreme- I would worry what colleagues would think. Quite often she found out about things before I did.

I told him that I wanted to be the most important woman in his life, the first to hear about good or bad news, the one he turns to first- its only natural. Fortunately he could see where I was coming from. I'm not sure if he really had a proper conversation with her about it or if he did he probably completely blamed me but he did stop picking up every time she called and start letting her know it was inconvenient and she's had to learn to stand on her own two feet a bit.

She still tries to get him to fix all her computer and DIY problems though. She saves them up for his visits rather than pay anyone or learn to do it herself but that's just a small niggle. Oddly she has not got a great deal of interest in our 2DC- it's DH she wants! I try to let them have 1:1 time when she visits which is my quid pro quo for stopping the constant phone calls.

Anyway bottom line is YANBU to want his parents to butt out of your family a bit and HE needs to support you in achieving that.

DH and I sat down and had the conversation where basically we agreed that we were the most important family unit. So if he was going to piss off anyone, as a choice it should be her....
You may have to try to explain to him how exposed it makes you feel, to have them know everything about your lives. That you feel your relationship is the special one, and should be protected. Her constant guilt tripping is upsetting you.
Can you get his sister to speak to him about it, to make him understand?

I would resent my husband discussing the minutiae of our lives with anyone, although some people are into this and some women are constantly calling their mothers with daily activity updates so this is no stranger.
I wouldn't like the dependency, and suspect her desire for the grandchildren has little to do with the real children and more to do with idealised grandchildren who are always cute and always toddlers.
Self centred people often don't have hobbies as they aren't good at immersing themselves in stuff that isn't all about them.
Again this is a problem largely between your husband and you though and him not letting his mother insert herself between you.
I wouldn't ring my kids up and tell them I cried all the way home after dropping them off with their dad (which I have done) because it is emotionally manipulative and helps no-one, and think your inlaws are selfish and manipulative in telling you this.

But they don't live on the doorstep., it's your husband doing the daily communication (which wouldn't raise an eyebrow if it was daughter-to-mother) and your children skype once a week.
Can't you just put them out of your mind untill you have to see them again?
The fact that they have no lives (in your view) isn't your problem. If they choose not to do anything constructive with their day that's up to them.
If the worst you suffer is whinging phone calls then I think that's dealable with, to be honest.

My mil is like this too. Somehow she doesn't see her life (well off, lots of free time, loving husband, attentive family within reason) as a cause for happiness. It's just not enough because she isn't absolutely the centre of attention.

Sounds like bleating and moaning is the only way your mil feels like she can retain being the centre of attention. And it will get worse.

Op, be firm and have the chat with your dh. I would hate someone knowing such detail about my life.

Nanny 0gg, do you ever not take the side of mils?!?! Every time you post, you always take the same stance. The op shouldn't have to put up with frankly creepy behaviour whether it is manageable or not. Bizarre pov that.

What Nanny0gg said.

I think it must be very hard for the SAHP to accept there is a new generation which they are not responsible for. Children are their JOB, it's what they do, and maybe your MIL thought having GC would be just like having her own children again (without thinking through the practicalities of it)
She does not develop hobbies, etc, because she literally does not have other interests, family is it.
Not easy for you, and you do right to keep boundaries, and distance, because your PILs are not your responsibility, your DCs and DH and you are.
But...maybe a little pity for her empty life, which you can not fill, and she at 59 has not yet learned how to.
You sound v balanced OP, I hope you can resolve this.

Sounds intrusive and overbearing to me even if they are miles away.

Ironically, if your mil had a full active and interesting life she wouldn't have to obsess about other people's lives so much and you would probably feel far more comfortable.

Watching daytime tv all day and staring at photos is not a life (does she really do this!) of any description.

If it were an uncle or a cousin behaving this way, I think you'd get lots of people saying they were very odd indeed. But because it's a granny - a young granny? - it seems to be ok?

Winky - I am a MiL so it's not surprising that I can sometimes see their POV!
I don't have sons so I'm never going to have a DiL, and to be honest (nothing to do with the OP)I'm quite glad, as most MiLs seemingly can't do right for doing wrong.
And I am more than happy to put the other view as clearly most members of this site haven't yet arrived at the stage when they can experience things from the 'other side'.

And however weird the MiL in question might seem to be, how well do any of the DiLs on here deal with being told how to live their lives?

As long as the PiLs are at a distance then there is little they can do to affect the OP's day-to-day life.
Should they move, then indeed it would be a totally different matter.

NannyOgg
its patronising to suggest that the members of mumsnet who haven't got gdc can't see from others POV. The OP is not being the slightest bit unreasonable (I know we're not in AIBU) about her situation. Despite the geographical distance between them, if DH is ringing almost everyday confiding all sorts of details of their lives, this is suffocating and intrusive. Why is this not a part of her everyday life?
Posters are always accused of MIL bashing and I see just as many posts about toxic mothers on MN, and twice as many about DH/P. Posters are just talking about the people in their lives.

milkmonitor
I'd have a big problem with DH being unwilling to discuss something thats bothering you whatever it is. I think this is the thing you need to address for the mo. Don't even talk about the PILs but the fact that you feel upset that he sometimes won't discuss problems.

I will be a MIL to maybe two DIL, and am really looking forward to being a grandmother, but unlike this MIL I am doing my darndest right now to remember that now is my time as mother, and my job is to do it well enough that my DSs choose lovely partners and want me in their lives.

I, mean while will be enjoying my job and my DH

Nectarina, I apologise if I came across as patronising, it was entirely unintentional.
I earlier gave my honestly held opinion to the OP and was called on it, which is why I gave the explanation that I did.
If that opinion differs from others for whatever reason, then that is just the nature of online forums, surely?

I think it's more that I've noticed your pov never wavers from favouring the mil, 0gg. So it's pretty limited empathy in that respect.

I partly feel that it´s up to your husband how often he phones & what he tells them tbh-as long as it not something personal about yout.

Why can´t he discuss his children or house purchases with his mum?

I do get why it pisses you off so much-but in the grand scheme, does it really matter?

My MIL was rather like this after she was widowed and then retired. She also moved from 120 miles away to 40 miles away. It ended in a huge row and lots of upset.
In retrospect, I realise that she brought up her 2 DSs without any family around and that may have a bearing on why she was like that, and my SIL has no family around either so is probably more appreciative of this interference..sorry, Help. However, MIL is not very practical and is much given to emotional monologues along the lines of life being very unfair to her. I am very practical, very down to earth, much more of a 'get up and get on with it' person. I always joke that if I had met MIL in a work environment, I would have changed jobs immediately!
After the big bust-up, she mostly phones DH during the day at work so it doesn't interfere with our family life. We see her about once a month or so and make an effort for that to be a good visit. I always invite her to the dc's school events. I make it clear that I am not stopping DH from taking the dc down to see her at weekends, so long as it doesn't interfere with our plans. He used to do that fairly often but less so now as the dc have their own plans for the weekend. She stays over on average three times a year, but only 1 night at a time.
I don't 'hate' her, actually 27 years of knowing her brings some sort of 'love' for her. But we are not natural friends. It is easier now for me to say 'we must invite Grandma' or 'phone Grandma and tell her your news'. Sometimes I even remind DH to ring her!

The big difference is that I had DH's support and understanding through it. I never doubted that had I said 'unbearable, no contact' he'd have been with me, hence I never felt the need to say it.
There may be an upside if they move nearer - won't a cup of tea twice a week be easier than 3/4 days of it nonstop. Maybe DH popping into them once a week for an hour could head off a bit of pressure. Of course, you have to be very clear on boundaries - "I absolutely hate and cannot tolerate 'pop-ins', it's just not my thing, so if you come on Tuesdays between 3 and 4, at least you know I will actually answer the door".
Funnily though, MIL nowadays is extremely busy with dancing, camera club, rambling group and learning to play the recorder(!?!), so things have eased anyway.
Gosh, this is long. Sorry.