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Original poster

Stress/depression...is this normal?

27 replies

Jipjones · 18/02/2012 16:35

My dh has been very stressed at work he's been having angry outbursts at me telling Neots all my fault, swearing at me, telling me to leave that when my son grows up he will hate me too, and that he is willing to sacrifice the thing he loves most (ds) for he thing he hates least(me), I am a lazy bitch for still being home with the kids. Anything I do or don't do is a reason to be angry and proof that I am unsupportive. For example I have been doing all the cooking so he says I am doing that because I know he enjoys cooking so I am trying to take that away from him which just isn't true. If I ask how he is he tells me to stop going on and stop trying to start things but if I don't say anything about it I am unsupportive and don't care. I offered to go to the doctors with him for moral support bug he said its my fault he's stressed and he'll need to talk about me so I didn't go. When he came home I said I wanted to help and could he tell me if i'm contributing what I could do differently so he told me it has nothing to do with me and atop trying to make everything about me. So confusing! Is this normal behaviour for someone who is stressed depressed I feel like he shouldn't talk to me that way even if he is depressed and am still treading in eggshells around him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jipjones · 18/02/2012 16:37

That's the thing he loves most(ds) for the thing he hates most (me)

OP posts:
Prolesworth · 18/02/2012 16:38

No, this isn't normal behaviour for someone who is stressed/depressed. This is straight up abusive behaviour.

I'm really sorry you're being subjected to this crap, OP

Original poster
Jipjones · 18/02/2012 16:41

Thank for the response. I'm starting to think that too but feel he makes my head spin so it's hard to see things straight. No one wants to feel they are letting someone down when they need help most.

OP posts:
Bossybritches22 · 18/02/2012 16:41

Wow he is vey stressed if he is lashing out like that. Or ill.

What sort fo job is it & can he speak to anyone at work to try & ease the load a bit? If he's like that at work he's not going to be very productive or nice to work with either.

I think you need to sit himdown & ask him to discuss with you what he feels you BOTH need to do to help lessen his stress but that lashing out at you isn't fair, pleasant or poductive. Eg if he finds the cooking is relaxing ( alot of men do) could you both sort out a menu so the right things are in & he gets to cook.

Part of me however wonders if he's engineering a bad atmosphere to create a split? < Sorry >

Prolesworth · 18/02/2012 16:43

Even if this behaviour is 'caused' by stress and depression, that's no excuse for treating you in this appalling manner. Is he doing anything to take responsibility for his behaviour/address his problems?

malinkey · 18/02/2012 17:07

Stressed or not this is no way to treat you and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

"he said its my fault he's stressed" - tell him to sod off then!

"I feel like he shouldn't talk to me that way" - no, he shouldn't. Listen to your feelings, it's not all about him, despite what he may think. Your feelings are perfectly valid.

He sounds like an abusive arse - abusers often blame stress when treating their partners like shit. Does he do this to anyone else or is this behaviour solely reserved for you?

How long have you been together? Was he previously nice and kind and this behaviour has only appeared recently? Or has he always been a bit like this and has just got worse?

How old is your DS?

Original poster
Jipjones · 18/02/2012 17:08

He admits that sometimes he gets angry but it's always my fault, ie I start it. He seems to contradict himself all the time though. I made him a cup of tea and his response is tht I've made it in a mug he doesn't like, that I've done it 3 times now and I'm doing it on purpose (really I'm not) so I replied that of course I'm not and he and he doesn't make me tea at all. Then it's why am I trying to start an argument. On Friday the atmosphere was so bad I took the children to my parents to get them away frOm the atmosphere and so he could relax. He got really annoyed and said I was unsupportive and went and lay face down on bed upstairs. I was worried about him so left parents early and came back to say I really want us to get on let's talk etc but then he was furious with me for coming home. I had ruined his relaxed night in and he wanted me to sleep in the spare room. He says he lives me and its just stress talking. Sorry for rambling on so much has happened and I just feel I need to make sense of it all. When I broach the subject at all (depression) I just get shot down or yelled at so I don't know how to support him?

OP posts:
Original poster
Jipjones · 18/02/2012 17:13

Hi Malinky, thanks for posting! He's always been a bit this way but now it's getting worse. He's lovely most of the time (normally) but every now and then we argue and he gets really wound up and punches walls/ throws .things. He's only like this with me though. He goes out with friends a lot and always seems fine then... The depressed/stressed part only shows with me. Have two ds 10 and 2

OP posts:
LadyMedea · 18/02/2012 17:20

You say he isn't always like this, does this represent a significant change? If so it sounds like he could be quite depressed/paranoid... He needs help and pronto.

Whatever the context for the behaviour it is still emotional abuse and it needs to stop. If you want some more info to help you handle it try 'the emotionAlly abusive relational ship' by Beverley Engel. If this is 'new' behaviour it might Lso be worth reading one of Anne Sheffield's books on the fallout from depression.

Original poster
Jipjones · 18/02/2012 17:21

Bossy britches . He's a teacher. I have suggested he talk to someone at work but he thinks it will make things worse. If I talk about chool he tells me I'm stressing him so it's he'd to get through. He won't speak to his mum which I suggested because he can't speak to me as she has other worries and says if I speak to her he'll never forgive me.hopefully he will get some form of counselling from go as has refuse any medication.

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HotDAMNlifeisgood · 18/02/2012 17:24

He is abusive. He won't change, because he doesn't want to treat you any better.

The fact that he is only like this with you says it all. As does the blaming, foul language, and physical intimidation (wall-punching and throwing things).

You may find the links at the start of this thread useful.

Get informed, and when you feel ready, get out. I'm sorry you're experiencing this. But I'm here to tell you that there is a far better life for you out there, free from abuse.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 18/02/2012 17:26

He'll get help when and if he wants to get help. You can't make him go to counseling.

You can get help for you, though. You are suffering here. And I recommend you do.

malinkey · 18/02/2012 17:30

I agree with HotDAMN - I suggest you read the Lundy Bancroft book 'Why does he do that?'.

This is fuck all to do with stress and all to do with controlling you. Otherwise he would be doing it to everyone.

Does he talk to you that way and punch walls etc in front of your boys? If so, they'll be learning that's how men behave.

nenevomito · 18/02/2012 18:42

I'm stressed and depressed at the moment to the extent that I am signed off work, but I don't behave like that to my DH. Yes I've taken my anger out of him a couple of times, but have apologised to him and certainly haven't blamed him for it.

He is behaving appallingly and maybe you need to consider how much you are prepared to put up with. At the moment you are trying to be supportive, but getting nowhere. Do you think you could tell him that you're not prepared to accept the way he is behaving towards you?

Shoopaloop · 18/02/2012 18:44

Vile. How can he speak to you like this? Not normal. Wrong and very sad.

OriginalJamie · 18/02/2012 18:50

This is not my experience of either stress or depression, unless it's something very severe and possibly with paranoid/delusional features.

Whatever - even if it is depression, if he is not willing to acknowledge and seek help then it is very damaging to you and your children.

cestlavielife · 18/02/2012 21:26

Don't you think his head would send him home if he were to punch the walls at school in front of people?
It is abusive threatening and dangerous behaviour

Ask him to leave for a while at least

Then he can really see if you are the cause of his stress ... I suspect tho that he will continue to blame you whatever you do .

Is up to him to resolve his stress see gp talk to his head teacher etc

You cannot help cure or treat him .

If he agrees to change his behaviour you can support him if he gets a proper diagnosis from gp and a plan of treatment .

Start making it clear you don't accept punching walls and being blamed .
Don't argue with him but ask him to leave to calm down ... Eg if he wants to punch things he goes out and thumps the pavement away from you.

But I would ask him to leave for a while at least ..it if genuinely is stress he will seek help and treatment but you don't have to
Live with his vile moods

And anyway if you cause his stress by his logic he needs to live elsewhere ...

Original poster
Jipjones · 18/02/2012 21:59

Thank you all do much for commenting. He's calmed right down this evening and says he's feeling a lot better now he just needs me to act normal. It's hard to forgive the way he has been behaving though and I feel partly 'how dare you seal to me that way and expect me to just suck it up?' but also too nervous to say that because it will just mean a huge argument and I have had ENOUGH of the shouting and bad atmosphere. I really feel its him who created the 'not normal' not me.

I hear what people are saying about abuse it just feels now that I am being completely dramatic and he has apologised so as he sees it I should just let it go an return to normal. Ergggh is that manipulation or am I the one creating atmosphere now by just not being able to let it go. There are no hugs or anything just- 'I've said sorry, it's because I'm stressed arop making it worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jipjones · 18/02/2012 22:04

We have talked about us having a break from each other before but he says he has nowhere to go an we can't afford for him to pay to stay somewhere. I need to take the ds to school so my parents is too far. Also don't want to desert him if he can't cope.

OP posts:
CrystalsAreCool · 18/02/2012 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

malinkey · 18/02/2012 22:23

"now he just needs me to act normal" - so he's dictating how you're allowed to behave after treating you like shit. Well it's not up to him. If you feel upset, you're allowed to be upset, you don't need his permission.

It is him who's created the not normal. And it is manipulation to expect you to be ok now and if you so much as dare to state your unhappiness at his behaviour you will pay the consequences by him creating a huge argument. Walking on eggshells is a sign of living with abusive behaviour.

malinkey · 18/02/2012 22:27

I know 'abuse' sounds a bit dramatic but it really does sound like it.

Read the questions at the beginning of link www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/ and see if any of it sounds familiar to you.

malinkey · 18/02/2012 22:28

Oops, I'll try again:

www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/

Original poster
Jipjones · 18/02/2012 22:58

Thanks for posting the links. To be honest it's pretty chilling. I've just come up to check on the kids but I can't look at him the same way as he sits there chatting away merrily now as if everything is completely ok and nothing has happened at all. I can identify with what I read but it seems so surreal when everything is normal and he is being lovely. It scares me to believe he is manipulating me and makes our whole relationship some kind of bizarre role play, puts everything under question. Bit freaked out ! Thank you so much for taking the time to respond , I so appreciate it

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HotDAMNlifeisgood · 18/02/2012 23:37

now he just needs me to act normal.

Of course he does. Hmm That way he can keep evading responsibility for and the consequences of his own actions.