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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I trust him?

34 replies

therapymumsy · 18/02/2012 13:00

Get comfy and have cuppa to hand cos sorry but this is longwinded ...
Exactly three months ago I found evidence ( lots of it ) that my much adored and loved H had been leading double life ... Even before I met him over fifteen years ago.
He's admitted it. He's moved out on my say so. He's desperate to get back together.
This double life , of which I didn't have a clue , lead him to join numerous dating and adult sex websites, set himself up as escort, meet and have sexual relationships with men , have two year relationship with friends GF , have a wonderfully busy FBook account and much much more. All except friends GF was with an alias. I shan't bore you with the humiliation , hurt and anger I have experienced including a degrading trip to have STI check.
Anyway .... Still living apart three months later, he begs for forgiveness everyday and whilst I'm ok to be friends I can't do the husband and wife thing again. He was my best friend and soulmate. For him though he only wants us to be back together as friends is not enough for him......added to the above he claims he didn't feel he was unfaithful as it was under an assumed name .... Mmmmmmm
Anyway I'm 99% sure I'm not going there again! But he's wearing me down. Advice or virtual slap needed !!

OP posts:
MyNameIsntFUCKINGWarren · 18/02/2012 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BelleDameSansMerci · 18/02/2012 13:06

Um, what would you get out of it? Can't see a single reason why you would let him come back...

motherinferior · 18/02/2012 13:07

Wot she said.

AnyFucker · 18/02/2012 13:07

Why should you get back together again, just because he wants to ?

You have a mind of your own, don't you ?

I would hope that mind has been very much sharpened by your traumatic experiences with a man like this

Find that extra 1% and tell him there is no way you are willingly going to put yourself back there again

motherinferior · 18/02/2012 13:08

I particularly love 'he claims he didn't feel he was unfaithful as it was under an assumed name'.

He is quite entertaining to read about from a third-party perspective but sweetie, this chap is not exactly best friend and soulmate material. And believe me, I've had relationships with some weirdos in my time.

Conflugenglugen · 18/02/2012 13:08

Good. God. NO!

newbiedoobiedoo · 18/02/2012 13:08

Are you fucking mad?!

I really hope somebody better than me comes along with advice but seriously, SERIOUSLY??? How could you possibly consider this?! I'm Shock

HopeEternal · 18/02/2012 13:09

The short answer to the question in your thread header is a big resounding NO you can't. I think you already know that.

What a crock of shite to say it wasn't infidelity because he used an alias. Did he also use a body double?

He compartmentalised that second life and pretended to / convinced himself that it was nothing to do with his relationship with you. In reality it had everything to with your relationship. Well, with his involvement in your relationship anyway.

Please do not let him wear you down.

Xales · 18/02/2012 13:09

Totally agree with MyName sorry Sad

This man lied and deceived you on the most basic level for your entire relationship. He doesn't think he was unfaithful and did anything wrong. Therefore he has no reason not to do it again.

Sorry you are going through this.

newbiedoobiedoo · 18/02/2012 13:09

Ah they arrived while I was typing! Thank goodness! :)

Pannacotta · 18/02/2012 13:09

Run a mile and dont look back!

Xales · 18/02/2012 13:11

wow xposts with lots of other nos!

Original poster
therapymumsy · 18/02/2012 13:25

Ahhhhhhhhh thank you for all your superfast replies!
Will consider myself "put right" which was much needed!
Guessing the 1% was tiredness Sad

OP posts:
oldqueenie · 18/02/2012 13:31

that ridiculous crap re not being unfaithful under an assumed name is gobsmacking! he sounds like a toddler making up some fantastical magical excuse when he's done something wrong.... so presumably being unfaithful in the future under new assumed names would be fine in his eyes. FFS! you would be insane to even give it a moments thought imo. do you have dcs?? what sort of example would that be to them?? I am amazed you can even lok at him let alone be "friends". is that really what you want or what he's made you feel you should do? he hasnt exactly behaved like a friend has he, more like your worst enemy...

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 18/02/2012 13:33

Why are you even on speaking terms with this creature? Shock Angry Sad

AnyFucker · 18/02/2012 13:41

I presume you are on speaking terms with this emotionally-corrupt man because you have dc together ?

I cannot think of any other reason why

Original poster
therapymumsy · 18/02/2012 13:44

We have joint responsibilities , so originally believed It would be best to be dignified .. Have to say that's not been possible ....?I go from wanting to smash his fricking face in to just wanting a hug and being told it wad a dream!

OP posts:
kodachrome · 18/02/2012 13:46

I would stop being on friendly terms with him - he's so not your friend. He cheated on you repeatedly and lied and lied and lied.

Being in close contact with him and trying to be friends just gives him an in to try and wear you down. Unless you want to get back together and him to do the exact same thing again, you need to back the hell away from him. Just keep contact to the bare minimum and stop engaging with him apart from about dc/finances etc.

passthechocolates · 18/02/2012 13:49

I am in a similar position, and I need to take advice fromkodachrome but it is bloody hard. I will do it though... I will!

oldqueenie · 18/02/2012 13:50

Sad. But it's not a dream, it truly is a nightmare, one of completely his own making, that he has subjected you to... trust and listen to this wish to hurt him... you are angry and hurt and right to be so. you dont feel friendly, he has not been friendly. you dont have to be friends at all. you get to choose, not him. you can be civil (or not), you choose. but civil isnt the same as friends. why on earth WOULD you be friends with someone who has treated you with such utter and complete disrespect, has lied and cheated and appears to have the moral understanding of a 3 year old??? sorry for the ranting, just thinking about this man makes ME want to punch him.

oldqueenie · 18/02/2012 13:50

Sad. But it's not a dream, it truly is a nightmare, one of completely his own making, that he has subjected you to... trust and listen to this wish to hurt him... you are angry and hurt and right to be so. you dont feel friendly, he has not been friendly. you dont have to be friends at all. you get to choose, not him. you can be civil (or not), you choose. but civil isnt the same as friends. why on earth WOULD you be friends with someone who has treated you with such utter and complete disrespect, has lied and cheated and appears to have the moral understanding of a 3 year old??? sorry for the ranting, just thinking about this man makes ME want to punch him.

oldqueenie · 18/02/2012 13:51

oops

ohdearwhatdoidonow · 18/02/2012 13:54

OMG stay away. You're 99% sure? What would have had to happen to make you100%. HIV?

This man is NOT your friend he could have killed you!

caramelwaffle · 18/02/2012 14:06

Disentangle yourself ASAP from this man financially, legally and physically.
He is a proven liar and betrayer, happy to put your life at risk.

If you have young children together, set up contact times and keep everything business like.
Arrange contact through third parties if you feel you do not wish to meet with him.

He is Not your friend.

Doha · 18/02/2012 14:38

Don't be so bloody stupid,
Do you think just because he has found out his double life will have ceased.

You would be putting your physical and mental health at risk if you did.
I honestly can't believe you would even remotly consider this.

I would not even consider him a friend. with friends like him you would not need enemies.