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Relationships

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Original poster

Oh what to do, Im married but would you meet a bloke coz of the spark between you?

27 replies

HeadsInAMuddle · 17/02/2012 23:21

Ok, not sure where to start but basically Ive been with my hubby nearly 12 years, married just under 10, got a few kids, we get on ok, bit monotone really if im honest, sex is as dull as dishwater, in fact I dont like doing it at first until I get going but even then its not great ( I feel bad saying all this but just being honest), we never kiss and to me I miss that, I think it means alot, we sometimes dont communicate well either, Im wondering if my love for him has changed, I do love him but I dont think in a way I maybe should.

Now the other bloke I went to school with, we liked each other at school but we didnt tell each other, teenagers huh, I did meet up with him just after I got married as needed to discuss some work he did for us at the wedding, we had a spark and Im ashamed to admit it but we did have a kiss and I still remember it now BUT we agreed to leave it and carry on with our relationships, hes popped up online a few times in the past few years but just as general chat but last night he accepted a facebook friends request from me that i sent weeks ago and had forgot about (he hardly goes on there), we emailed each other from 1am-3.30am and it was a very honest conversation of how our feelings have never gone away and hes asked to meet as friends just to see how we feel, now we are both married, he doesnt have kids, we arent going to have an affair, we just want to see how we feel and to have a chat. I know I should say a blatant no to this but a part of me wants to go.

Im not a cow really im not, i dont want my cake and eat it, if we still had a spark between us and we decided that its not gonna go away coz it hasnt after over 7 years so far then we would decide what to do next, this part terrifies me and i dont wanna think about it but is life to short to stay with someone just coz u get on and things are easy not to change it or is it worth going ahead and trying out the feelings.

Please dont slate me, I couldnt sleep last nite for thinking about it, think I had 3 hrs in all

HELP, advise please

OP posts:

maleview70 · 17/02/2012 23:26

You do realise you will be slaughtered for even thinking it.

squeakytoy · 17/02/2012 23:30

Do whatever you want to do, but end one relationship before starting on another. How would you feel if you found out your husband had been doing this or making plans behind your back?

Onesunnymorningin2012 · 17/02/2012 23:30

No, I wouldn't meet them.

From what you've said about your marriage, I'm not surprised you'd be tempted. Have you thought about having some counselling? You can go alone or with your DH. It might help you work out whether your marriage is worth saving, and make a decision to stay and work at it or leave. I really wouldn't suggest starting an affair, as it'll make your life even more complicated than it is already.

Good luck.

beckyboow88 · 17/02/2012 23:32

I think you are very brave posting this on here, I fear you may get a fair bit of backlash!! I personally think if you aren't happy you should decide what you want to do with your husband BEFORE sending friend requests to someone you clearly have feelings for...

KRITIQ · 17/02/2012 23:34

If you genuinely think your marriage might be over, sort that out first and sort it out properly, with counselling, with legal advice and above all, with telling your husband.

I have a hunch that when we're unhappy in our relationships, we're almost subconsciously on the look out for opportunities, if not to actually stray, but to validate what we don't want to admit - that it's over.

It's a crap place to be, but getting involved with this guy will probably just increase the crap tenfold. Get straight in your head and heart what's right, take action and then you can genuinely think about a relationship again.

SarahSlaughter · 17/02/2012 23:34

I think meeting him would be an extremely bad idea. I don't think you should be contacting him at all.

You are not teenagers, you have responsibilities both to your children and your husband.

How would you feel if you found an email exchange like this between your husband and another woman?

If your marriage has problems sort them out like a grown up.

alessthandomesticgoddess · 17/02/2012 23:37

Would you want your husband to know about meeting him as friends? Would you want him to know about the kiss?

If you no longer love your husband do him a favour and end it. He would be better to be alone than with a wife sneaking around with feelings for another man.

CakeMixture · 17/02/2012 23:38

No I wouldnt meet him

Not unless I was single

GnomeDePlume · 17/02/2012 23:39

Okay, first things first - you are at least 50% responsible for your marriage being dull. What makes you think that you wont be equally tedious in your next relationship?

Since your marriage you have been carrying a torch for this other person.

A decent person would end one relationship before starting another. A decent person wouldnt want to try the next relationship out before ending the one they are in.

Are you a decent person?

EdithWeston · 17/02/2012 23:40

You answered your question in your OP.

No, you should not go.

It's merely a mixture of nostalgia and "the grass is always greener". Even if you think your marriage is over, you need to deal with that fairly and squarely as an issue in it's own right, and get that sorted out and work out for yourself honestly and independently what you want, unclouded by a transient blast from the past.

MsHighwater · 17/02/2012 23:40

Pursuing anything with this other man because you are bored with your marriage would be a dreadful idea. You are married, which means you made vows to your husband, one of which is that you will not do what you are contemplating doing. You have kids with him who will almost certainly be hurt, one way or another, if you go through with anything with this man.

What I hope I would do, if I were in your shoes, is tell the other man that I will not meet him and put any idea of a future relationship with him, of any kind whatsoever, out of my mind. Then I hope I would concentrate on my relationship with my husband and either fix it or finish it, making sure that my children's needs were taken care of to the best of my ability.

I hope you do the right thing.

kodachrome · 17/02/2012 23:40

I think you should work out whether you can save your marriage first rather than taking a punt on a 'spark'.

You could do some relationship counselling. You could try to build intimacy and fun back into your marriage - start kissing and talking more openly and honestly.

There is stuff you could do, rather than just opting out of the marriage by pouring emotional energy into another man.

If your marriage is beyond hope, the better path is to end it cleanly and then looking up old flames.

mumnosbest · 17/02/2012 23:40

Spark leads to fire then some1 gets burnt. Would you meet up with some1 you met in a bar cos there was a spark? This man is just as much a stranger if you only knew him in your teens. I think we all have a missed love oppprtunity from our youth but you'd be risking a lot to explore it now.

SparkleSoiree · 17/02/2012 23:44

I would cut off all contact with him.

I would decide if I wish to remain in my marriage.

I would then seek out support for myself if I decided to leave and start a new life or for both of us if I decided to stay and work at my marriage.

It is no surprise you are seeking something if you are as unhappy as your posts reads but if you husband does not know how you feel he cannot work with you to make things better. You are part of a family and whilst you must of course think of yourself you do have responsibilities towards them.

Good luck.

LeBOF · 17/02/2012 23:45

Sounds fab- go for it. A boring old family can't possibly compete with a lad from school. What have you got to lose?

FabbyChic · 17/02/2012 23:46

Id meet because if you didn't and he was the one you could be wasting your life away with someone you no longer love or respect for nothing.

Im not a believer in staying where you are not happy, where you get nothing out of it other than being parents to the children.

Children/money is not a reason to stay with someone.

The only reason to be with someone is out of love and respect if you have neither why stay?

Go for it.

tropamo · 17/02/2012 23:46

*OP" This doesn't really ring true! How many children do you have and what are their ages?

MustControlFistOfDeath · 17/02/2012 23:54

''if we still had a spark between us and we decided that its not gonna go away coz it hasnt after over 7 years so far then we would decide what to do next''

i.e. decide whether to have sex/have an affair

Would his wife be ok with that? Or would she be devastated? Would your husband?

Start talking to your husband, maybe you can regain some spark there before it's too late.

Good luck

Charbon · 17/02/2012 23:54

You're deluding yourself if you think you could meet and nothing would happen. Because of course you want something to happen and so does he.

If you meet, it will become an affair and you'll have even more of a mess to sort out than you started with. His marriage isn't like yours of course, even if he's telling you different and is 'mirroring' your boredom. He was probably pretty content until he got that message from you and has been deliberating about whether or not to respond, probably because he's got a better grip on reality than you and knows he's got no excuse for an extra-marital relationship. Soon he'll be telling himself 'why not?' and reminding himself that you did all the running, no-one will get hurt, no-one need ever find out.

You on the other hand will fall in love, it will be a death knell to a marriage that could probably be saved with a bit of effort on both sides and you'll be back here in a few months time saying that you don't have a clue how this all happened to you.

Be a grown-up.

Deal with your relationship and come to a decision about it as adults. But keep away from married men while you're doing that.

galletti · 17/02/2012 23:58

You have been togethre 12 years. You have had children. You have got into a rut. Try to remember why you got together in the first place, the great times you had, and start putting more effort into regaining all of that - both you and dh. It may just work! Speaking not from direct experience but from friends who have been there and worse.
arrange for time together alone to TALK, have fun. Try it - the answer at the moment is not to give up on it all and go for the 'grass is greener' Maybe try to make your marriage work, if it doesn't fine, but at least you can say you have tried. x

SparkleSoiree · 18/02/2012 00:05

Just a word of caution reading the other posts...

My ex uncle had an affair with an old flame he get in contact with. They said they couldn't fight the spark that had been there all those years they were married to other people. He complained to the old flame that my aunt was difficult and their marriage was awful but I know my aunt thought they were happy. Anyway they left their partners to be with each other but the old flame's husband wooed her back. My uncle didn't tell my aunt he was leaving her for someone else. The old flame's husband then phoned my aunt to tell her my uncle had been shagging his wife and that although they were back together my aunt deserved to know what a scumbag her husband was. It devastated her and their daughter. My uncle spent months trying to get my aunt back but she wouldn't have it. He said it was the biggest regret of his life and he didn't appreciate what he had.

People will get hurt. Please think carefully before you throw your marriage and family life away. Of course you shouldn't stay with someone if you are not in love but sometimes life gets in the way and we forget to make time for our relationships then they get stale. It doesn't mean to say they cannot be revived and revitalised.

Blacksquirrel · 18/02/2012 08:43

What happens if there is no spark? Will you stay in an unhappy marriage just because you have no one else to turn to?

You either want to be with your husband or you don't. Try working on fixing the faults first, if they cannot be fixed then separate before you even consider meeting another man.

Proudnscary · 18/02/2012 10:06

You seem very big on 'being honest' in your OP.

Yet you are being extremely dishonest about your reasons for meeting some bloke from school who's paying you a bit of attention because he wants sex this man.

You 'just want to see how you both feel but don't want anything to happen'...Jeez I've heard it all now.

springydaffs · 18/02/2012 10:56

You deserve one other imo - not a compliment in case you're wondering. You have children - though he doesn't - and you clearly have no idea the agony most kids go through when their parents divorce. Not to mention the husband you made vows to. You are flagrantly and outrageously lying to yourself if you honestly think you're going to meet only to acknowledge you have the hots for one another ( - if I went off with everyone I had a 'spark' with I'd have had a few dozen affairs). As someone said, you are 50% responsible for your dull marriage - do something about it first, do all you can to address it, before you go off with some lad you snogged just after your wedding. You both sound horrible tbh.

AnyFucker · 18/02/2012 13:28

Go for it

Old boyfriends from school are soooooo worth throwing your marriage and kid's security away for

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