Can very emotionally intimate friendships divert energy away from a romantic relationship?

[equallyuneasy]

A variant on the 'can men and women ever be friends' but casting the circle of debate a little wider.

I'm currently with someone who has quite a few very close friends. In the past they have had someone break up with them in part because of these close friendships. But their last serious partner before me was fine with it. So I feel a bit weird with not being okay with it, but it feels like the friendships (there is no one in particular which bothers me more than others) are so all-consuming and private that I'm left feeling as though all of their emotional energy is going on these people and I don't get much after all that.

I've always been of the type that when I'm in a relationship, that takes precedence, albeit slight precedence or a major one, depending on how long/involved it is. I'm very self sufficient myself and don't have many close friends, I don't really feel I need it though I have good friends and acquaintances and enjoy spending time with them. I know a lot of you who have weathered affairs really rate Shirley Glass's book, and I found the following quote really thought provoking:
A healthy couple builds a wall around their relationship, keeping it exclusive. During an affair, the offending partner opens a window and lets someone else in, eventually walling out the spouse.

Basically my partners behaviour is making me uncomfortable and I don't know what to do. I have a feeling they are unsuited to me, but can't tell if they're also being unfair. They've expressed a lifelong and strong interest in polyamory as as well which is NOT my scene, though said when we started going out that they were over that now and after trying it realized it wasn't for them.

I'm not trying to be drip feeding and I'm a regular who's namechanged for this post, I'm a woman and the person I'm seeing is a male to female transsexual in the middle of going through a gender transition, so a lot of this is about feeling insecure about what gender of person they'll be interested in, in a few months or years - they are bisexual. I'm straight and keen on monogamy. It's really messing with my head and I can't tell any more what issues are related to what, but I'd appreciate advice on the friendships thing because I figured I'd start by working out if either one of us is being an idiot or if we're just unsuited. Ta.

You handed all of your power over to him. He is a bloke you know. He's certainly acting like a bad one of the group, with his manipulation and self-centredness.

Did you think because he was claiming to be a woman that somehow made him safer? So you ignored actual behaviour?

Was he claiming a female ex was abusive BTW? Because that's a red flag in a new relationship.

Certainly those books aren't designed for men who claim to have been abused by women.

Well yes, probably I did see her as safer because of the transition. I do view her as female, or at least occupying the hinterland between male and female and therefore 'not male'. But I've been pretty blind to a lot of this stuff because the gender has been a red herring. Some stuff, like her being angry with other people (not me - yet!) and playing stupid mind games have got ignored by me until now because I didn't find them a problem coming from a woman. I was so keen to be PC about the gender thing that seeing them as anything other than 100% girl seemed disloyal and churlish. I see now how that acts as a foil for all sorts of shit to go on, because I won't question it, because of the gender. Argh.
It's a real minefield.

And yes the ex in question was female.

I'm so getting those books back, even if I have to pay for them to be posted. Doubt she's read them anyway. I wonder if a part of me was daring them to be read, in case she recognized herself there? Hmmmm...

"I was so keen to be PC about the gender thing"

Women do that at their peril. You don't have to answer this but were the two of you having penetrative sex?

Why does that make a difference? Our sex life was a bit messed up because of the abuse DP suffered as a child. I tended to initiate more and she'd be pretty passive. Why do you ask?

Because if he's still using his penis in sex, putting you at the risk of pregnancy/STDs (even if you do use contraception), then there's a big piece of cognitive dissonance going on here about both of you believing and acting he's a woman.

There's a lot of cognitive dissonance going on in the whole relationship. But I don't get why the kind of sex matters, you can get STDs from a woman same as a man. She had the snip about 10 years ago, but in any case taking female hormones leads to sterility pretty quickly, within weeks. We both have regular STI checks, so...
But I get your point about cognitive dissonance. A lot of trans women have that problem with their own bodies even without a partner. And it takes a few years until you can have sexual reassignment surgery, so that's a few years of confusion with or without involving dating someone into the mix. I'm told each person reacts differently to having body parts at odds with ones inner self. For some people - like DP, it's not a huge issue. For others, it's very distressing.

I'm more worried about how she is starting to flourish physically into a woman but is still very much behaving like a bloke, on an emotional level I mean.

That's not what I'm talking about with regards to cognitive dissonance. He'll never have a female body, so the fact that you're both acting as if it's a reality is very odd. Particularly given the fact that he's still to all intents and purposes fully physically male. It's not suprising that a lot of trans people are confused, they are being told something is real when it's not.

Also, sex with a woman does not put you at nearly as high a risk for STDs as it does with a man. That's pretty well known.

How do you define a female body? I would always have said boobs and a fanny. Well, one down, one to go in her case

I do find your refusal to use the correct pronoun a bit wearing and somewhat disrespectful but I suppose that's the least of my worries at the moment... Incidentally there's a programme about transgender issues tonight on ITV1 if you want to broaden your understanding of the subject a bit.

I understand it very well thanks, but sorry to have offended you.

Unfortunately I think the two things are connected, your willingness to take this bloke at his word that he's a woman, despite the penis and the PIV sex which to me would be massive signposts that he most certainly isn't female; and your inability to see that he's treating you in an emotionally abusive way (although that seems to be changing).

We're female right down to our cells. An inverted penis isn't a vagina. Nor are silicon bags breasts, any baby would tell you that.

We differ on our definition of what it is to be female, I guess - although I certainly get where you're coming from. Re: breasts, they're already there, home grown thanks very much. No silicon bags in sight! I have seen and attested for myself

If you're that interested, it was me who was interested in penetrative sex; I like it, always have, always will. Strap-ons would doubtless have been used post-surgery if the relationship wasn't crashing and burning as we speak and unlikely to make the end of the week.

But again, I see what you're trying to get at and I will ponder on this. Thanks.

Good luck. Sorry again if I offended you, but I thought it probably was worth saying.