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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shall i let her stay with him?

37 replies

wolfcubEm83 · 17/02/2012 13:29

Quick history...
My P is useless. DD (7 1/2 months) was a huge shock and we were very unprepared, i didnt really want children but she is the best thing that ever happened to me.

P has never lifted a finger to help. My birth was easy and fine but i struggled with breast feeding and gave up after 5 weeks, he mocked me and i cried. He has never got up during the night (she slept through from 8 weeks but still) never fed her her bottle, now shes weaned he isnt interested in feeding her, he doesnt put her to bed, hes never bathed her, nothing. He plays with her until she cries then shes all mine.

I never thought i would take this sort of behaviour but i have held my tongue and just gone with it, heeding the saying 'pick your arguments'. Many conversations have been had about his lack of help and he always says he will change, but doesnt. He doesnt cook, clean or anything, he left his effing socks on the bathroom floor for the last time. We got into an argument yesterday via text (bloody hell) and he threatened me. I wont write it all out but it wasnt nice and he suggested that when he got home he was going to kick me out....

SO, i left him yesterday. packed up our stuff and came to my ever suffering parents. Brave of me, but soon the anxiety kicked in, and the threats started again but i ignored them and they have turned to pleading. I understand that what i did was a bit drastic but i got to the end of my tether.

He wants to see DD, rightly so, and i will obviously take her to him. He wants her overnight though. I am concerned as he has no clue how to care for her. She doesnt wake up though and goes down really easily from 7pm until about 8.30am. He will have to face up to his responsibility at some point....is it too soon??

OP posts:
MamaMaiasaura · 17/02/2012 13:33

No don't leave her overnight and the threatening behaviour is alarming. I'd be concerned that he would use her as a way to hurt you Sad. I don't silly go dramatic but fit instinct says absolutely not and actually I feel anxious at the thought of you leaving her with him. Sorry x

MamaMaiasaura · 17/02/2012 13:34

Usually not silly tho maybe I am silly Blush

emsyj · 17/02/2012 13:37

If he's never shown any interest in caring for her before, why is he suddenly so interested? Seems very odd to me. I wouldn't leave her with him unsupervised.

You should report the threats also.

fluffyanimal · 17/02/2012 13:38

Firstly well done for leaving your complete knob of an exP.

Secondly, though I have no experience of separations and handling contact arrangements, I would say no, I wouldn't let your DD go overnight. Whilst it might be tempting to give xp the baptism of fire, so to speak, I don't think it would be fair on your DD and he might end up phoning you at silly o-clock to come and take her home. I'd say let him have her for an afternoon or so, preferably over 1 meal time and/or 1 nap time, so that he can see what needs to be done for her and see how well he copes, but so that if she gets distressed and he can't deal with it, it's only a short time. It will be easier then to say "Sorry, I'm busy and will be there at x time as we agreed".

Original poster
wolfcubEm83 · 17/02/2012 13:39

I did think this was the reaction i would get. He loves her very much, its all a bit raw and i dont think my mind is up to complex thinking. I will bring her home when we've been to see him

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
wolfcubEm83 · 17/02/2012 13:40

Fluffy, good idea. I will see how he gets on with meal times etc first. I could suggest he comes to my parents and put her to bed....lets see if he really has any balls :)

OP posts:
minceorotherwise · 17/02/2012 13:41

Sorry my instinct is the same as above. I thinking your instinct is also saying no. If the little one does wake she is unlikely to be consoled by him anyway if she is not used to him doing that. And he will be stuck with a hysterical child, if you can't second guess how he would respond to that then you really shouldn't leave her. Go slowly, you aren't refusing contact, you are just doing it carefully and with the best interests of the child

Original poster
wolfcubEm83 · 17/02/2012 13:44

I hope he can see that, he thinks that if i dont let her stay i am refusing contact....but he knows where she is and no-ones stopping him from coming over here - its 2 miles down the road.

OP posts:
minceorotherwise · 17/02/2012 13:47

I don't think you need to worry about how he 'feels' just now. I understand you don't want unnessecary conflict but you really aren't in the wrong here.

malinkey · 17/02/2012 13:48

If he never looks after her and gives her back to you as soon as she cries what's he going to do with her when he's on his own? Would he try to comfort her or would he just leave her to it? When you say "he loves her very much" how does he show this?

If he was just a lazy bugger but genuinely a nice kind person then maybe he could up his game.

However, because he has threatened you I would be very concerned about leaving her with him on his own. And I don't think leaving someone who has threatened you is drastic at all - sounds very sensible!

malinkey · 17/02/2012 13:49

Oh, and hang on to the threatening texts in case you need them in the future.

Sapphirefling · 17/02/2012 13:50

No absolutely not. He has shown minimal interest in eeting her basic needs up until this point and his threats mean he is a bullying arse who will use your child to assert his authority over her as his belonging.

By all means take him to see her but stay strong and tell him that he has some serious work to do if he wants to start playing daddy of the year.

QuintessentialyHollow · 17/02/2012 13:53

No dont let her stay.
Keep the texts.

See CAB or a solicitor for some initial advice (first 30 minutes should be free)

Well done on leaving.

Original poster
wolfcubEm83 · 17/02/2012 13:57

Sapphire thats what im worried about - him using her to assert his authority.
I will keep the texts, i think i need to tell my mom and dad whats really been happening. I feel like a 29 year old teenager.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 17/02/2012 14:02

no please dont have him come to your parents place to put her to bed etc.
you want our current place to be safe.
don drag your p s into any arguemtns etc or ahve them see him doing caring role when he ahs thretened you

have him see her for now in day time at a neutral place like a cafe or library.

transcribe and download the threats and log them. kepe them on the phone.
if they threatening to kill or harm you or dd in any way at all then take straight to police and dont let him near you.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 17/02/2012 14:08

I hope he can see that, he thinks that if i dont let her stay i am refusing contact....

He's being manipulative. Your hope is misplaced, sadly: he's doing this to control you.

Don't allow this visit you feel uncomfortable with - you really don't have to - and get legal advice asap.

LadyMedea · 17/02/2012 14:10

If you feel able to be completely upfront with your parents about what has really been going on. It sounds like they are supportive but it is harder for them if they are in the dark.

I like the suggestion of short periods of unsupervised contact to see if he can hack it..... will test whether he is really interested in finally becoming a dad or just throwing his toys out the pram....

Original poster
wolfcubEm83 · 17/02/2012 14:11

thank you all for your advice, i feel such a fool. I will take her round and stay strong. We will leave at any raised voice etc and i will research what i cann do legally when she goes to bed.

OP posts:
malinkey · 17/02/2012 14:21

I would be wary of taking her to his (your) house - think public place would be better.

He has threatened you so take him at his word and believe he meant what he said. Then, would going in the house be a good idea? You may not get the chance to leave so easily (sorry to be dramatic).

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 17/02/2012 14:24

echo malinkey, and would go further: he has threatened you. Why be in his presence at all? Because you have a child together? Contact arrangements can be drawn up that don't involve you being in a position where he can manipulate you directly (plead, threaten, intimidate,...)

Again: he doesn't want to see his child, otherwise he would have been a decent father to her. What he wants is for you to jump at his say-so. Don't.

FriggFRIGG · 17/02/2012 14:28

My very good friend has been through something very similar,do pm me if you need any info.

In the mean time,head the advice being given on this hread,take it slowly,TBH at first I would stay very close by whilst he is having contact with her,my friend used to sit in a cafe,at the back whilst her XP had contact at a soft play center,after a while,she would have to stay outside,but he was not allowed to leave the building.
I would also apply for residency,so he cannot take your child from you.

Heswall · 17/02/2012 14:28

A friend of mine was held hostage and had her clothes cut off her after leaving her husband, she ended up running naked into the street to get help.
The time a woman is most at risk is the period after she's left, that is fact.
I would be meeting in a cafe.

Original poster
wolfcubEm83 · 17/02/2012 14:35

He wouldnt hurt me, im confident of that. Hes all talk and no action.
I have to go round and pick up things anyway, ill be very wary. He just wants to see her and i feel i need to give him that opportunity. I definately wont be leaving her there.

Can i apply for residency if im at my parents? i dont intend on staying here very long.

OP posts:
chocoraisin · 17/02/2012 14:38

I really feel for you :( but just as a comparison, my H and I split 2 months ago, and he sees DS currently twice a week for 2-3ish hours at a time. He has made no threats, just acted like a dick.

We both feel it is in DS's best interests to build up his contact time slowly and gradually, first to a full day, then to an overnight. We expect this process to take up to 6 months - he's 18mo. He's moved house, nursery and his dad has moved out. It takes time to absorb all these changes and he isn't a bartering chip to be argued over - your XP has every right to parent his child, but your child has a greater right to feel secure, safe and loved by her parents. I second posters suggesting you seek legal and family advice.

Change is very upsetting for children and if he is thinking of her best interests not his own desires, he will support you to see her within her normal routine. As has been suggested, he should try out seeing her over a mealtime, settling her to a nap etc. There's no reason not to do this frequently (if and when you don't consider him to be a threat to you, or your DD that is) but consistency and calm is important. FWIW my XH didn't see DS at all for almost 3 weeks and it did neither of them any harm at all - break ups are hard, so take your time and don't put yourself through any unnecessary stress or upset just to prove you aren't obstructing contact. Your DD will thank you for it in the long run.

malinkey · 17/02/2012 14:51

Could you at least take someone with you if/when you go?

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