Shall i let her stay with him?

[wolfcubEm83]

Quick history...
My P is useless. DD (7 1/2 months) was a huge shock and we were very unprepared, i didnt really want children but she is the best thing that ever happened to me.

P has never lifted a finger to help. My birth was easy and fine but i struggled with breast feeding and gave up after 5 weeks, he mocked me and i cried. He has never got up during the night (she slept through from 8 weeks but still) never fed her her bottle, now shes weaned he isnt interested in feeding her, he doesnt put her to bed, hes never bathed her, nothing. He plays with her until she cries then shes all mine.

I never thought i would take this sort of behaviour but i have held my tongue and just gone with it, heeding the saying 'pick your arguments'. Many conversations have been had about his lack of help and he always says he will change, but doesnt. He doesnt cook, clean or anything, he left his effing socks on the bathroom floor for the last time. We got into an argument yesterday via text (bloody hell) and he threatened me. I wont write it all out but it wasnt nice and he suggested that when he got home he was going to kick me out....

SO, i left him yesterday. packed up our stuff and came to my ever suffering parents. Brave of me, but soon the anxiety kicked in, and the threats started again but i ignored them and they have turned to pleading. I understand that what i did was a bit drastic but i got to the end of my tether.

He wants to see DD, rightly so, and i will obviously take her to him. He wants her overnight though. I am concerned as he has no clue how to care for her. She doesnt wake up though and goes down really easily from 7pm until about 8.30am. He will have to face up to his responsibility at some point....is it too soon??

Would you leave your child overnight with any other person who has not proven they are fit to care for a young baby ?

Would you allow any other person into your safe space (your parents) to do something as intrusive and space-invading as put a child to bed?

Parenting is a privilege, not a right. How strange that all the stuff he refused to do before (because it may have actually helped you out at the time) is now a priority

Don't be manipulated. You do what you are comfortable with.

Only time will tell if he will stick around for the long haul anyway. If he does, you can build up to things like overnight stays, when he has proved his commitment.

You left him yesterday because he threatened to throw you out. Having taken him at his word and decamped to your dps, he continued to threaten you but then began pleading and now wants to see baby dd/have her stay overnight, even though she seems to have been the least of his concerns when he was telling you to get the fuck out of what appears to be 'his place'?

And you're planning to take dd to see him today? No way, Jose Em. He needs time to fully understand that threatening her security by threatening to chuck you out of his home is not the behaviour of a responsible father.

Assuming you're not married, if he's named on the birth certificate he shares parental responsibility with you but as far as contact with his dd is concerned, he'll need to go to court (which can be costly and time-consuming if he's not satisified with any access arrangements that you propose.

In short, you are not obliged to accede to his request to have dd overnight nor to any request he may make to have unsupervised contact with her until such time as you are confident that he can parent her properly.

As advised, keep any communications from him which appear to threaten you and if he expresses a desire to see dd arrange to meet him in a neutral place or have him come to your parents' home - providing they are happy to have him visit.

As he's got the brass nerve balls to kick you out of his home, it's entirely reasonable for you to wait to see whether he's also got the balls to demonstrate that he can be a hands-on daddy before you allow him to have unsupervised contact with dd - and it may take some considerable time before you feel able to trust him to meet all of her needs.

BTW, if he starts pleading for you to return and promises to 'change' (yet again) be aware that it's not going to happen unless and until he recognises that he's been a total knob and is filled with genuine remorse for his unacceptable behaviour.

You're best advised to make him jump through flaming hoops wait to see if he steps up to the plate before you consider living with him again, otherwise your long-suffering dps may find you landing on them again - and again - for the foreseeable future.

I echo Izzy. Head her advice. He has NO right to order you around like this. And you dont need to take her with you to pick up stuff. Take your dad.

Log his threats against you with the police. His threats MUST be recorded.

Meet him in a public place for short visits. He can't have her overnight, he's made threats against you. Bring someone with you, someone physically strong and emotionally steady. If he tries to snatch her, you cannot allow him to take her.

You would be putting your child in danger by allowing him to have her on his own. By threatening you he has already proven that he is in no emotional state to be in charge of an infant.

If you don't have those threats recorded and taken seriously, you could find yourself in a hostage situation where your word against him may not be believed. Take no chances whatsoever. Abusive men can and will use children against their mothers in the most appalling ways imaginable.

I know you say you are confident he wouldn't harm you

but please understand

during times when their control is challenged, abusive people up the ante. that's what they do. they make sure you don't expect it -- it's always that way. please, for the sake of your daughter, don't be lulled into a false sense of security.

Does anyone who's physically assaulted by their partner ever say "I always thought he had it in him..."?

Do a search for "I never thought he'd hit me". You'll get 000's of results. Don't go alone to his house- if you must meet, public space. Otherwise, don't meet for a few days or weeks until you can get your head sorted.

I was pondering that very thought after I responded to this thread, 21YrOldMan.

The question is whether we can ever fully know another of our species? Who knows what any of us may be capable of if someone steals our toys we, rightly or wrongly, feel aggrieved with others? There are plenty of accounts of otherwise unremarkable people committing murder and mayhem allegedly to the surprise of those that know them.

It seems to me that, based on the fact that she has lived with him and has given birth to his dd, Em may feel that she 'knows' him and that her familiarity with him and his ways has the potential to lead her into a false sense of security.

Of course it may be that he has no ulterior motive or underhanded intent in wanting to see his dd in his home today and it could be that pigs might fly he is filled with genuine remorse and intends to change his ways but, neverthless, in this as in so many other aspects of our lives, Em is best advised to heed the old adage that it is better to be safe than sorry especially as she has an infant dd to consider.

He loves her very much
If that is the case, why hasn't he pulled his weight.
He sounds like a waste of space.
Best rid.
What a knob.
At least you love your DD, even though you didn't want kids.
That is a blessing.
But this guy, you've been very patient.

Also, if he loved her so much, he'd love her mother equally and help the mother.
He's a bullying knob.
Sayonara.

In view of the threats and manipulation I don't think you should be supervising contact yourself. He will use it to manipulate you. Go to a family law solicitor next week. Get them to write suggesting a reasonable amount of contact on set days. You need to have firm boundaries with a man like this.

Plain and simple - No.

Its clear that even at this point he is an unfit father.
You should talk to him first, find out how much he knows about how to care for his daughter. Tell him you have little faith in him and tell him why that is.
His response to being questioned will tell you a lot about his true intentions.

Also - ask him about the threatening texts and how come he was so quick to kick the both of you out. He sounds like a bit of a self righteous bully to me.

He can see his daughter in a contact centre

Actions=consequences (for him)