Reduction in my time with kids being mooted - I'm not keen.

[Flanelle]

He wants to go from 2 nights a week to 3, which I don't. He is claiming that bringing them back to me on Sunday at 5:00 distresses them and unsettles them for the whole day and that this is getting worse over time. Trouble is, I can very easily imagine how he might either mishandle this genuine house-swapping discomfort or even actually increase it by banging on about it all day and not doing the distracting, jollying along thing, because it suits him to use it to influence me to let him keep the children on Sunday nights and take them to school on Monday morning. He says the handover should be done through school as it distresses them when it is at my house. We've been doing it 15 months.

He has also said that we ought to spend more time together as a family, which we can achieve by him coming over to tea at our house with us in the week. So I'm to lose a night with them, and share a further night. I get almost none of their leisure time as it is.

I just don't want this!

Am I wrong? How to say this? Don't want to nuke our reasonable relationship but nor do I want to agree to any of this.

What do you think?

How old are the children?

Have you seen them distressed when they are coming back on the Sunday? How about if he leaves them back slightly later instead?

I take it you have an amicable enough relationship if he is talking about coming for tea because there is no way in hell I would I have exp over for tea once a week. Ds' birthday is about the height of it.

If you are both on friendly enough terms I would say the only way is to talk it through. Are your dc of an age where they can have a say in the decisions?

They are 7 & 9. They seem ok to me on Sundays - just a bit stir crazy sometimes because he doesn't take them out or do anything much with them - unless his gf is staying and taking care of them. He stays for tea and bedtime every Sunday, until about 8:00.

Sorry but I think you are wrong and selfish.

Your children only get to see their dad two days a week? And you get five? You already get the lions share.

If there is an imbalance in terms of weekday/weekend time then address that but the 5:2 ratio is unfairly balanced in your favour already.

Does he have them every weekend, with you just having school nights?

He misses his kids.

At least he cares.

I'm about to be separated and we're doing a 50:50 split. The thought fills me with dread, but they're his children as much as mine, and they need their dad as much as their mum.

It's about them.

How come he needs to be OK with 2 nights out of 7? You certainly wouldn't be!

I'm with rockinastocking - 50/50 care here too and of course it was awful to go to that in the beginning, but why should a father who wants to spend the same amount of time as the mother not be allowed to*? I don't get it.

• Assuming the children aren't infants and are able to have their needs met by father as well as mother.

If he has them every weekend, and wants Fri, Sat, Sun every week, then I think you are justified in challenging that so that you get some weekends too.

Also if you do not like having him in your house (and it's not about sharing your time with him and the children) then stop that. Since I moved out my ex has never put a foot through my front door, or me his, and that suits us.

We do Thursday and Friday nights at his every week plus every other Saturday night. We both work full time but he has a long commute and I live much nearer to the school than he does.

"They are 7 & 9. They seem ok to me on Sundays - just a bit stir crazy sometimes because he doesn't take them out or do anything much with them - unless his gf is staying and taking care of them".

If this indeed is true I can certainly see your misgivings over any increased contact. What do your children think and want?. Presumably the 9 year old has spoken to you about his/her Dad.

Has contact ever been formalised (does not sound like it(, would you consider this now?). Him going around to your house once a week to obsentiably have tea with the children smacks to me of keeping an eye on you instead. He is issuing a lot of demands that he expects you to go along with without rancour; take some control back.

Why on earth should the handover be done through school (is he looking for an audience?); he is only thinking of himself here and not the children.

This is not so much about the children but him trying to again exert power and control over you for having the nerve to leave him. He is upping the ante again and you need to be careful, controlling and angry men do not let go of their victims easily.

If he has them all weekend and you just get weekdays, maybe you should renegotiate that instead of him having all the fun times and you doing all the boring, workaday stuff.

It can't be good for children to never spend any leisure time with their mother.

he may miss his children but assuming this is every week is it really fair that one parent has the children fri night to monday morning and the other parent has them mon night to thurs night every week?

one parent has tired grumpy children who do school. the other has them at weekend to do all of the nice lovely things, it's hardly fair to the mother is it? if you were to go down this route OP I suggest a fairer option maybe he has the children from weds to sat lunch then you have them from sat lunch until tuesday night & slowly you work things around so you bring it forward by one day a week.

I do appriciate your problem with children wound up when they come home as DS is the same with his dad, for this reason i've requested his dad return him no later than 4.30 pm so I can do bath/reading etc for school the next day.

If however he has the children every other weekend then it would be a fair comprimise to let them stay until the monday morning, and i'd say ask him to take the children out to tea once a week. You're not with him, you're not a family in the sense I get the feeling he'd like and that's what you're not happy with?

yes do things with the children however I feel you can provide a united front without going down the route he wants. Is he usually controlling?

I think you need to make it work for all of you. It's not fair that he gets the whole weekend and you get the hard work, either. Could you have every other weekend?

Can you take this as a chance to open discussion with him? Maybe suggest something like him taking them to school every other week and you getting them back Sunday morning the other week so he gets more time one weekend and you get more the next?

Gobsmacked by his suggestion that you should spend more time together 'as a family'. You aren't a family, he has a girlfriend, it is a completely idiotic suggestion.

I think its fair for him to have another night, but do think you need some weekend time with them also. We split the weekend here, so ex has the kids thurs night, fri night (I pick them up from school fri as he works then he picks them up from me), sun day and night. He drops them to me sat so we have a day with the kids,they stay at mine that night, then we drop them to him on sunday and he takes them to school on mon morning. It is not fair for you to give up all your leisure time with the kids,could he not have them a week night instead?

It's outrageous that you should even consider having 'family time' with him in your house.

Was he controlling when you were with him? Certainly sounds like he is now.

It seems deeply unfair for him to have the DCs for all the fun times - especially if as you say he then doesn't even do anything with them. Have you been to a solicitor? Maybe it's time to go and get some advice. I wouldn't go along with his suggestions of increasing his time without doing this.

What do the DCs think? Do they look forward to going there?

I don't know many people who have split up where one parent has all the weekends and the other has all the school time and so never gets to do anything fun with the DCs.

How about agreeing to the Sunday night on the condition that you get every other weekend with them? Or possibly one weekend in three?

I have a friend who does 50/50 childcare. Her ex collects the DC from school on Wed pm and drops them off at school on Fri am and then has them every other weekend so instead of the Fri am drop off, does it on the Mon instead. It seems to work very well for them although her ex is self employed so can control his hours. The only issue they seem to have is with PE kits !

It does seem very wrong that you don't have a weekend with them.

Oh, and why does he stay for tea and bedtime every Sunday night? I think that's a terrible idea!

First of all the "time together" shit needs to stop.

I never understand why people do this. You're not a couple and it can only confuse and mess the children's heads up. If you want to demonstrate the fact you can be amicable do it at the handover with your behaviour.

If he has them every weekend i think you need to reclaim some of that time OP. It's ridiculous you have all the non leisure time and he does.

More worrying is your claim he doesn't do anything with them. Jesus, i'd go stir crazy myself if i wasn't doing stuff all weekend with my 7 year old. Children of that age need at least some stimulus over a weekend.

I wouldn't go down the legal route just yet. It's never a preferred thing for anyone as it offers no future flexibility.

How do your children feel about it?

He's being a it of an arse about the Sunday thing, but if you're happy with the current arrangement perhaps it's worth trying t o help him make it work. Could he build in something to the trip home perhaps a stop off for an ice cream or cinema then home or a visit to play park something they o routinely every week just before returning home? Then make it clear ht he should see them in through the door, hug/kiss them then scoot. There's nofeat he should be over the threshiold at your house, unless you expressly invite him.

Can you tell us a bit about the circs of the breakup?

Him hanging about til bedtime on Sunday and demanding a family meal every week is a) not what you want, b) not great for the kids (confusing and they will pick up on your reluctance or unhappiness).

Re the other arrangements - fine if he wants to see them more but you have to find a schedule that works for YOU too including having weekends with them.

You sound like you feel that you are trapped - you're not.

I missed the part about him staying for tea and I agree, that has to stop, that must be so awkward. Again, I think this is a chance to open up discussion about how things are done, don't dwell on what he has suggested, just think about what you think would work best and chat it through from there.

Hang on, so at the moment, you get the schooldays - so you don't actually get to spend daytime hours with them, and when they're home, you get the homework/sorting out uniforms/early bed etc. to organise? And he gets to take responsibility for none of that, and instead has two days of fun and games?

Right!

I completely agree that for dear Dad to have two days a week only is grossly unfair.

I would suggest, firstly, that weekends are split equally. You both need equal weekend time, equal downtime with the children. So, every other weekend, he has them from Friday evening to Monday morning, and takes them to school that am. Over the weekend, he naturally washes and irons the uniform they came home in, and they go in in that uniform on the Monday. So there is no need for uniforms in bags etc. He sorts sandwiches/lunch money, games kit, homework, EVERYTHING.

The other weekend is completely yours.

Then - the weekdays. I would suggest that the weeks he has them on the weekend (now three nights) the rest of the week they are home with you. The weeks he doesn't have them on the weekend, he picks them up on Monday, and they go back to his for either two or three of the school nights. Homework, uniform washing and ironing, packed lunches, games kit etc. etc. - all of this to be split in the way which makes it easiest to work for BOTH of you.

So. He gets three nights a week. But he ets three FAIR AND REPRESENTATIVE nights a week. He does some of the shitwork, as well as enjoy the fun and games.

Now, I have a feeling Mr. Superdad isn't going to go for that, but I may be totally wrong and he is itching to spend some evenings a week ironing school uniforms. Do report back!!