Reduction in my time with kids being mooted - I'm not keen.

[Flanelle]

He wants to go from 2 nights a week to 3, which I don't. He is claiming that bringing them back to me on Sunday at 5:00 distresses them and unsettles them for the whole day and that this is getting worse over time. Trouble is, I can very easily imagine how he might either mishandle this genuine house-swapping discomfort or even actually increase it by banging on about it all day and not doing the distracting, jollying along thing, because it suits him to use it to influence me to let him keep the children on Sunday nights and take them to school on Monday morning. He says the handover should be done through school as it distresses them when it is at my house. We've been doing it 15 months.

He has also said that we ought to spend more time together as a family, which we can achieve by him coming over to tea at our house with us in the week. So I'm to lose a night with them, and share a further night. I get almost none of their leisure time as it is.

I just don't want this!

Am I wrong? How to say this? Don't want to nuke our reasonable relationship but nor do I want to agree to any of this.

What do you think?

Oh, and family time = you aren't a family. End of. This isn't normal practice. Ignore that.

My comment was just about amount of time, but agree with everyone else that you should both get weekend/weekday time and shouldn't have to have him in your house. It is not fair for you never to see them on weekends either.

Agree that family time is ridiculous, tell him to get stuffed.

I have to say that my dc found being taken to school on the monday much easier than coming home on the sunday.

They now go to their dads every other weekend, friday after school until sunday tea time (ex can't do drop off to school anymore) and every Wednesday they go for a few hours after school. He also takes them to their after school activities on a friday.

What you could also do is look at him taking the DC to any specific activities they have - he gets to be more involved in the parenting jobs THROUGHOUT the week, but doesn't end up pushing himself into YOUR home - which is not on at all.

Thanks so much all - there are lots of good ideas here and I do feel clearer now about what I want to achieve and how to do it.

I do feel that if you don't count numbers of nights but rather hours spent with the children, that we do have about equal time, so I do feel unhappy about losing another few hours. Not that it's really my time with them since he's here, but ykwim.

I think it is time for a rethink.

He might go for 3/4 weekends Friday - Monday, maybe. I'll suggest it. I would like more of their leisure time. I get weekdays in half terms, and the lion's share of the summer holiday, but still - these holidays are infrequent.

Re. the break up, it was me that left him. I did find him very controlling and unkind. I've been into detail eslewhere here and would rather not again, but it really was do or die.

But we do co-parent, and discuss the kids, and we do spend time together at Easter and Christmas etc, though now there's a gf, this may need rethinking. I find myself a bit uncomfortable with how tactile she is with the kids - I'm grateful that she likes them and they like her (really very grateful when I think of the possible scenarios here) but it still gets on my tits! My prob, I know.

Thanks all.

Are you happy with him being in your house every Sunday night? It would drive me bonkers!

I agree with the others that you should put an end to this family time together business. It's inappropriate and potentially controlling of him.

Not really, malinkey. It interferes with baths and stuff and also ... I'd just like not really to ever have to see him.

OP. The family time thing I think is you're call at the end of the day, and depends on how well or not you get on, and how the dc feel about it.

I do generally stay at my XP's place ( the RP ) for an hour on pick ups and drop offs, but if I didn't generally get on with XP I wouldn't do it. I think it's good for dd to see that her mum and dad get on.

That said, I wouldn't want to confuse dd by going out on family trips together. It's getting the right balance I guess.

Totally agree he shouldn't have dc every weekend.

I think this would be a perfect opportunity for you to re-evaluate everything then. If you don't want to see him you don't have to, certainly not to the extent that you do at the moment.

If he is coming into your house because he has decided that is what will happen, then it's time to change things. You can still co-parent fairly amicably without spending time in each other's houses (obviously if you are actually friends and want to spend time together then it's a different matter). And you can communicate by email if you don't want to talk to him on the phone.

Really, it's quite unusual for him to be coming into your space and it's not his decision to make. If you don't want him to then make that change.

Good luck.

Sent a careful reply to him this morning, which I started drafting yesterday. Co-operative but also assertive. We'll see!

He still gets 3/4 of weekends? Why?

Go for 50-50. That is fair.

You do not have to have him in your home. Do you think a few hints at how odd his gf might find all the fake family time would help put him off a bit more? The aim is indeed to get it so that you rarely have to see him- any method that works will do!

The other thing that might help you in asserting yourself more is suggesting court. This can be done very non - aggressively, as in

'I'm concerned that we're not getting the right balance here. You claim the kids are unsettled with the current arrangement, I feel that the balance is wrong with you having all weekends and me all school nights. Above all I feel that pretending to have 'family time' is actually a bad way of managing the split and I want it to stop. If we can't agree I do feel that it's in the best interests of us all to ask a court to decide, that way we will both know that we are operating in what is recognised to be a fair way.'

He will know that the start point for a court would be every other weekend and one night in the week for him, and it would be made very clear that he had no right to spend time in your home under the guise of 'family' time. So you might find that a very innocent suggestion of taking it to court could see him back off quick smart.

I was not totally surprised to read that you left him due to him being controlling and unkind. He is still trying to exert undue influence over you by using the children. He is a real tool to use them to get back at you for leaving him. This is what it is all about really - power and control. I would argue he gives not a toss for the childrens' welfare really because its all about what he wants.

Would now use the big guns and start using the court system.

no to time in your house! that is awful given how controlling he is. you need your boundaries and space from this man.

i personally would've have said the only change you were willing to consider would be every other weekend friday to monday plus one school night a week. he'd have as much time with them but with a more fair distribution of leisure and school time.

don't let him boss you around.

There's no need for court whatsoever based on what the OP has said.

It's time consuming,costly and more often than not creates a hell of a lot of problems. It should be a last resort.

Whilst a court decision may get you some of what you want it also places you in a completely inflexible position. Not in a position to fulfil the contact one week (e.g holiday) ? Tough. The court ruling means you're duty bound to.

All is well anyway. We've agreed on 3/4 weekends and handover through school wherever possible. Last Sunday handover tomorrow, but he won't be staying for bedtime. He accepts my wish for no family days and teas and things, but is "sad".

I'm happy with this and I don't feel hard done by. My children and I have whole weeks in half term and at the end of term and in the summer holiday, and now we have regular weekends too. And still time for my friends and hobbies and for staring out of the window.

Until about eighteen months ago I'd had - I counted - six nights away from my children in almost eight years. He didn't like me to go away. Now I miss them nine nights a month - but I get to rest, and enjoy the quiet. I have some catching up to do on this.

Sorted. Thanks all.

i'm glad you're pleased with the outcome flanelle

have to say only doing one weekend out of 4 sounds quite appealing to me probably makes me sound an awful mum but i've raised ds solo for 5yrs and he's never had contact with his father and yes, the idea of regular time off does sound appealing.

glad you got the 'family' time off the table - i'd say tomorrow be at the door, welcome the kids in and say a nice bright 'have a nice week' in a way that makes clear he's not coming in. you've said and now just do and stick to it. good chance for a real change in boundaries without any confrontation over it.

We'll change our written agreement - and it will be signed and stuck to!

I don't think it makes you sound like an awful mum btw :-)

Well done for sorting things out and keeping it civil.
It does get easier as the DCs get older and you and your ex don't push each other's buttons so much!

Well done, hope you're happy with that.

I think parents can spend time in each others houses with the kids, we do, but it works best if the parent whose house it is is out and you are just looking after the kids there for the kids' convenience. You will probably both meet new people and having each other round the house then will be awkward. Weekends with my kids are special now they are older and doing homework/ after school activities etc. i wouldn't want less than 50% time with them.
As they get older they may find they prefer to be with you Sun eve as their books/ PE kit etc for Mon will be different to the Friday stuff. In that case him dropping them off at 7.30ish on Sun may be better. Dropping them off before their evening meal on a Sunday does sound as though it shortens the weekend.

Why have you given up almost all your weekends with the DC?