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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lack of sex ruining relationship

39 replies

MySonMyWorld · 16/02/2012 23:30

Me and DP have been together 9 years Ds is 6, basically in the last 6 years we have only had sex once or twice a year, he has always made a variety of different excuse as to why he doesn't want to. I feel really really down about this I have very little confidence now as I feel he doesn't find me attractive which he always denies, I have tried everything to get him interested but nothing works it's tearing my relationship apart I convince myself that he finds me disgusting and no longer wannts to be with me and start being really horrible and angry towards him and I no longer know what to do. Every so long I get my self so upset I break down and I tell him how I feel he denies that's how he feels/ makes excuse ect then for a day or 2 is really loving and we have sex then it's back to the same again for another 6 months or a year. Please help sorry for going on x

OP posts:
Pornyissue · 16/02/2012 23:39

How was your sex life in the past?

gettingshorterbytheminute · 16/02/2012 23:39

Wow so good to hear from someone who has a relationship like mine. Have just been sitting here wondering how I have ended up like this. Sometimes think it's my fault cos I don't make the effort but then realise that actually the only time we do have sex it's me who initiated it! It's been worse since the birth of our dd as she always seems to be in our bed and so all affection from him is for her. There is definitely no need to be sorry.

Original poster
MySonMyWorld · 16/02/2012 23:44

It was fine before we weren't at it all the time or anything but a couple of times a week at least. The thing is when we do do it it's great so it's not as if it's not enjoyable or there are any problems there x

OP posts:
Pornyissue · 16/02/2012 23:46

How far have you both got in conversations with your respective partners about the lack if sex? Have you had honest and open conversations?

There is so many possible causes for this issue but only your partners can tell what the cause is at the end of the day if they are prepared to be honest

Original poster
MySonMyWorld · 16/02/2012 23:46

Glad to see someone else in a similar position I tried to speak to a friend but she said I should be glad he didn't want it so I started thinking it was just me x

OP posts:
Original poster
MySonMyWorld · 16/02/2012 23:49

I have tried to discuss it and I have been open and honest with him but he has always made up some excuses and recently he just says he doesn't know why he doesn't want to Sad x

OP posts:
Pornyissue · 16/02/2012 23:52

He needs to work out what the issue is, because this is destroying you and your realtionship.

If he finds it too hard to talk face to face could he write it down? At least it opens the lines of communication up

Original poster
MySonMyWorld · 17/02/2012 00:00

Thank you I will suggest it to him and see what he says I will try anything. The thought of spending the rest of my life like this is truly depressing.

OP posts:
Original poster
MySonMyWorld · 17/02/2012 00:05

I sometimes think it might be to do with his parents they are very reserved never hug or kiss or show any affection not even to gran kids or DP when he was young and they have always slept in separate beds for as long as DP can remember, so sometimes I think he thinks this is normal

OP posts:
Pornyissue · 17/02/2012 00:11

It could be. I think maybe you should consider a counsellor if the letter doesn't get you much further as it is a very important issue in any realtionship.

gettingshorterbytheminute · 17/02/2012 00:17

I've had many chats with him about it and every time he says he will make more of an effort but still nothing changes.
I find I really miss the intimacy of having sex more often as well as not feeling attractive to the one person who should find me so.

Pornyissue · 17/02/2012 00:21

Your feelings are understandable.

Do either of your partners use porn to the best of your knowledge? Not trying to put ideas in your head but it is becoming recognised that a growing number of men now choose porn over there partners for many reasons.

Not saying this is the cause but a possibility

solidgoldbrass · 17/02/2012 00:22

It's possible that he has some toxic ingrained beliefs about sex which boil down to the fact that now you are a mother you are 'pure' and above dirty carnal stuff. Did he grow up with a lot of religion in the family? Religion can be poisonous in this respect.

It is worth discussing it with him from the viewpoint that this is a problem in the relationship that won't just go away so needs addressing before you become so miserable and resentful that you decide to leave him. Counselling might help here.

Original poster
MySonMyWorld · 17/02/2012 00:23

I definitely don't think he would go for counselling but I will make the suggestion thank you

OP posts:
gettingshorterbytheminute · 17/02/2012 00:24

Not to my knowledge he doesn't as I've never seen or noticed anything to make me think he does.

Original poster
MySonMyWorld · 17/02/2012 00:26

Porny I don't think he does, I have suggest watching it together but he has no interest in that either

OP posts:
Pornyissue · 17/02/2012 00:27

Are you talking about the madonnas and whore complex solid?

The problem is we could speculate all night but only your partners can tell you, and if they don't understand the reasons themselves then counselling ,or at the very least, deep soul searching is essential.

Sexless relationships are miserable when enforced

Original poster
MySonMyWorld · 17/02/2012 00:28

Solidgoldbrass definitely not religious and neither is his family but it might be something along those lines of me being a mother x

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 17/02/2012 00:29

Yes. I asked if it was a possibility as the OP mentioned that the man's parents were very 'separate beds'.

Original poster
MySonMyWorld · 17/02/2012 00:34

I have spoke to him over and over again but I never get anywhere. It has been so bad that I decide we had to split up but of course he begged me to stay and promised everything would change and it did for a few days and that's it, I hate going on about it because I can't imagine anything worse than being nagged constantly but I am actually worried that I might jump a poor man in the supermarket one day lol ok that's a slight exaggeration but I do feel desperate

OP posts:
Pornyissue · 17/02/2012 00:41

I think you have to shock him into how serious this is.
Say you have even, briefly, considered getting sex elsewhere-this is how desperate things are. But you dont want to do that, you want him, but you are at the end of your tether.

I feel he doesn't comprehend how serious this is.

Pornyissue · 17/02/2012 00:46

By the way I realise that may come across as you should manipulate him to sleep with you.

What I mean is he needs to be shocked into talking and solving. Nothing more sinister!

Original poster
MySonMyWorld · 17/02/2012 00:56

I have said before that I was frightened one of us would go elsewhere because I don't think anyone of our age can live the rest of there life's without sex

OP posts:
Pornyissue · 17/02/2012 01:09

What was his response?

Original poster
MySonMyWorld · 17/02/2012 01:21

To be honest I don't think he really answered so he either doesn't care, or doesn't believe that would happen.

Thank you for helping, even just talking to someone about it has helped Grin

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