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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I make a big thing out of this??

35 replies

Tryingtobehappy · 16/02/2012 17:52

I'll try and keep this short if I can. Nearly 3 years ago I split up with my DH...he decided he did'nt love me anymore and very quickly set up home with someone woman he worked with!! .......took me a long time to get over him but I think I am nearly there :-)

Anyway...2 years on and I met someone (been together nearly a year) which is all going well. When we first met I was very clear on what I wanted..in terms of I did'nt want to get too involved (I guess I subconsiously did'nt want to get hurt and stay in control).

Well that seems to have all changed now and we are very happy and I have even told him I love him :-) and he clearly loves me back and has told me often. He always wants to see me...tells me how beautiful, amazing and the perfect woman for him...even hinted that he would like to marry me one day....so why does he always comment on other women on the TV /films etc??

'Oh she's very attractive'...'she's stunning isn't she' etc etc

It really pisses me off and makes me feel I'm not good enough? Am I being irrational? I have commented a few times on this. He even commented that he thought my friend was attractive!!!!

Last night I mentioned that I thought I had IBS as my symptoms were similar to those I had googled...His response was that 'several' of his previous girlfriends had IBS!!! I wanted smash him about the head (joke) and tell him I did'nt give a toss if his girlfriends had it...It really bugged me.

I don't think he realises what he's saying sometimes...we are both 38 and previously married. I appreciate I must be a little insecure...it does upset me. Apart from this he is a great bloke.

OP posts:
Lueji · 16/02/2012 17:59

Not easy.

It could be your issues or it could be that he is trying to make you jealous.

Have you had a serious conversation with him about it?

Original poster
Tryingtobehappy · 16/02/2012 18:03

Yes I have mentioned it and he says he does'nt mean anything by it...just an observation. Of course I don't want to make out I am some kind of jealous nutter. I did say I would start doing the same with men I see...but he said that it honestly would'nt bother him as he knows I love him and I;m with him and the guys are'nt real life.

OP posts:
kodachrome · 16/02/2012 18:03

Have you tried talking to him directly about it?

kodachrome · 16/02/2012 18:03

sorry x-posted Blush

maleview70 · 16/02/2012 18:07

I think you are being irrational and it's all down to what happened before.

He doesn't ignore you and imply that you are not beautiful so would t worry.

If it bothers you that much tell him not to say things like that as it hurts you. He might think you are mad but will stop doing it.

Lueji · 16/02/2012 18:08

I have to admit it was something that didn't bother me particularly.
Ex was more of the jealous type.

But it's not nice if a partner does it all the time and undermines your confidence.

Sorry, not helping much.

comeonspurs · 16/02/2012 18:09

OP surely your last post shows that you've resolved this? He 'doesn't mean anything by it' and he wouldn't mind you doing the same thing - so what's the problem?

You may have been 'joking' about wanting to smash him about the head, but how is that funny? Would it be funny if a man made that 'joke' about you?

He sounds pretty comfortable and secure with himself and your relationship - my feeling is that it's a shame for him you're not the same.

Original poster
Tryingtobehappy · 16/02/2012 18:12

I appreciate your views...I do know I must be insecure :-(

OP posts:
kodachrome · 16/02/2012 18:12

It wouldn't cost him much to withhold his 'observations' now he knows it makes you feel bad, 'though, would it?

His response is kind of, well I wouldn't mind if you did it, so why should your feelings on the matter be taken into account?

comeonspurs · 16/02/2012 18:14

Just be happy! Your name is clearly very apt. From what you say about your relationship, it sounds pretty good. Why go looking for problems?

Original poster
Tryingtobehappy · 16/02/2012 18:15

Thanks for your honesty Spurs

OP posts:
comeonspurs · 16/02/2012 18:16

Turn this on its' head - if you met a man who got jealous and upset if you fancied someone on tv, what would your friends say? They'd tell you to dump the controlling tosser! There's nothing wrong with looking at other people. Do you honestly not fancy anyone but your partner? Isn't it just as bad being secretive about it?

HepHep · 16/02/2012 18:17

Watching with interest as I have the same issue as you, OP. Can't work out if I'm over-sensitive or they are thoughtless and/or goading.

comeonspurs · 16/02/2012 18:17

You're welcome - sorry xposted

kodachrome · 16/02/2012 18:19

She isn't looking for problems - it's the one(?) thing that makes her uncomfortable in the relationship. So she's looking at ways to handle it. That's not looking for trouble, that's trying to get things right.

Maybe that means working on her own self-esteem/insecurities.
Maybe that means expecting him to exercise some tact and think before he 'observes'.
Maybe a bit of both.

Original poster
Tryingtobehappy · 16/02/2012 18:21

Over sensitive I think Hephep.

OP posts:
comeonspurs · 16/02/2012 18:25

he clearly loves me back and has told me often. He always wants to see me...tells me how beautiful, amazing and the perfect woman for him...even hinted that he would like to marry me one day

that is why I said she is looking for problems. One comment about a good looking celebrity doesn't eradicate all that does it? The point here is that OP's partner treats her well in every other way (as far as we know), therefore you can assume that he's not saying these things to upset or goad her.

Whether he occasionally says these things or not, everybody looks at other people and finds some of them attractive. He's open about it - is that such a bad thing?

Original poster
Tryingtobehappy · 16/02/2012 18:27

Yes Kodachrome..this is the only thing that makes me uncomfortable :-(

I must add that he never says it in a lecherous way...more as an observation I guess.

I really don't know how to make myself more secure though tbh

OP posts:
kodachrome · 16/02/2012 18:31

It's not one comment 'though - it's 'always' commenting, even after been told it makes her feel uncomfortable.

kodachrome · 16/02/2012 18:32

being [gah]

aurynne · 16/02/2012 18:37

Tryingtobehappy, please don't torture yourself "for being insecure". Being insecure is a "condition" that you can overcome, precisely by practicing being more secure :). And what's more, it can be fun, especially when you are with a man that, by all sounds, is fantastic and can help you.

Instead of telling off your DP for making those comments, I would recommend you to be completely honest with him. Something like: "Honey, due to all that happened before in my life, I am feeling a tad insecure about everything. Will you please help me get over this silly feeling?". And then start doing things that empower you, and that let you see your insecurities in a light way. Start making your own comments when you see hot guys on TV. But very importantly, don't do it "to get back at your DP", do it because you really find them attractive and want to share that with him. You will see that it is very possible to find people attractive and having no desire whatsoever to be with them, because you love your DP. You say your DP tells you you are beautiful and amazing... practice by telling yourself "he is right, I am beautiful and amazing" from time to time.

At this stage you are just letting your DP look through your own barrier. It will get better. But it will get better faster if he is conscious of it and you can both work together at it.

And most important of all... enjoy being happy!!! By what you say, your relationship sounds amazing. Give yourself permission to enjoy it! :)

MooncupandPizza · 16/02/2012 18:39

If he does it a lot and you've told him it makes you feel uncomfortable, he should make an effort to tone it down, I think.

However, I do think you are being insecure about it and you shouldn't be. He appreciates beauty in others and he thinks you are beautiful - you could use it as a boost to your ego that someone with an eye for beauty in women fell for you.

Also, do you ever find yourself looking at other women and thinking they are very pretty/stunning etc.? I know I do - I appreciate female beauty but it doesn't mean I want to sleep with them or would rather be wtih them than my husband. See?

So, for your sake, he should try to tone it down a bit and for your own sake, you should see it for what it is, commenting on someone who looks nice, just as an observation, not in an "I wish I was with her" way.
My DH knows that comments about looks are fine - I'll even join in - but I do NOT like comments about specific body parts ('cause I feel it's objectifying women) and I DON'T like "ooh, lucky him" type comments if an actor is getting to kiss/fondle/have sex with an attractive woman on telly!

comeonspurs · 16/02/2012 18:43

Agree with aurynne pretty much. In short, lighten up, see it as a bit of fun and not a big drama. Didn't you used to watch Friends? Everybody's allowed a celebrity freebie you know!

Original poster
Tryingtobehappy · 16/02/2012 18:47

Thanks everyone...I really do appreciate your help with this...I have asked my friends opinions however are just biased to me and don't really tell me as it is :-)

OP posts:
21YrOldMan · 16/02/2012 18:55

my GF doesn't like it when I comment on other women.

So I don't.

It's not exactly a big deal for me to not do it.

It sounds like he doesn't understand the effect of his behaviour. I'd have another go- getting examples may be tricky as you commenting on men clearly doesn't bother him, but just outline that due to the way your XP treated you you'd really appreciate it if he didn't pass judgement on other women in your presence, and yes, it is a big deal.