Should I make a big thing out of this??

[Tryingtobehappy]

I'll try and keep this short if I can. Nearly 3 years ago I split up with my DH...he decided he did'nt love me anymore and very quickly set up home with someone woman he worked with!! .......took me a long time to get over him but I think I am nearly there :-)

Anyway...2 years on and I met someone (been together nearly a year) which is all going well. When we first met I was very clear on what I wanted..in terms of I did'nt want to get too involved (I guess I subconsiously did'nt want to get hurt and stay in control).

Well that seems to have all changed now and we are very happy and I have even told him I love him :-) and he clearly loves me back and has told me often. He always wants to see me...tells me how beautiful, amazing and the perfect woman for him...even hinted that he would like to marry me one day....so why does he always comment on other women on the TV /films etc??

'Oh she's very attractive'...'she's stunning isn't she' etc etc

It really pisses me off and makes me feel I'm not good enough? Am I being irrational? I have commented a few times on this. He even commented that he thought my friend was attractive!!!!

Last night I mentioned that I thought I had IBS as my symptoms were similar to those I had googled...His response was that 'several' of his previous girlfriends had IBS!!! I wanted smash him about the head (joke) and tell him I did'nt give a toss if his girlfriends had it...It really bugged me.

I don't think he realises what he's saying sometimes...we are both 38 and previously married. I appreciate I must be a little insecure...it does upset me. Apart from this he is a great bloke.

I don't think she needs to lighten up at all... I don't think this is a dealbreaker, it's a minor issue, but it's an issue.

If DP told me how attractive everyone on screen was, I would be really pissed off. He does it occasionally. I don't end the relationship, but nor do I smile sweetly at him when he does it. Once in a while doesn't bother me, but all the time would- especially if I'd already said I was upset by it. It may not mean that he doesn't love you, but that's not really the issue. It's annoying.

He can think what he likes, but I have no wish to hear how attractive he thinks other women are. I don't think this makes me insecure.

Just explain again that it does not make you feel good (spell it out) when he tells you this stuff, and see how he reacts. From what you've said about him, he will probably respond well and stop doing it all the bloody time.

Well I think it's fucking rude, disrespectful and unnecessary.

What do your friends think of him apart from this?

You're hoping to hear something bad here aren't you tall....

I wouldn't like it, personally. Yes people can think what they like but they don't need to say it.

tethersend, your comment: "He can think what he likes, but I have no wish to hear how attractive he thinks other women are. I don't think this makes me insecure."
kind of sums up how I feel about my own very similar situation. I'm dating someone who is bi as well, so the opportunities for admiring comments are doubled :(
My own thoughts are private and I respect other peoples thoughts as private. But it irks me when the commenting happens too often and it feels akin to oversharing. I've had bad stuff in my past which makes me very jumpy around this sort of stuff. I did talk to my DP about this recently and it seemed to help at least clear the air, but time will tell.

No spurs, I don't enjoy other people's misery. I was just interested because OP said her friends were on her side about this. If OP says 'they think he's great' I'd advise her along the lines of tethers.

I totally agree with you Hephep with the 'oversharing' comment. I guess its a personal view as to what information each person feels happy and comfortable to both share and receive.

My friends seem to like him Spurs.

For me (and I have said this to my DP, sort of) it feels like a symbol of something larger, of a gaping chasm between our respective takes on relationships and on jealousy and monogamy in general. Difference is cool, but there are some ways in which I want the person I'm with to be similar to me. Not in a 'you must toe the party line' kind of way, but just - it's so nice if you are both on the same page instinctively, naturally. It feels very lonely when that isn't the case.

Time and time again on various threads on MN, I see women who are bereft that the person they thought their partner was doesn't actually exist. Sometimes it's lapdancing club use, or porn use, or their suggesting anal, or a threesome, or the other person having an affair. Or it can be something really minor, like this.

I think where it pushes my buttons is when it prods at a deeper incompatibility, a fundamental difference in the way both parties view an important issue. So on the surface it looks really really trivial, it actually matters a lot emotionally, at least to one part of the couple if not both.

Those are my thoughts on the matter having had some time to mull it over, and now I am going to bed

HepHep, I don't think you could have put it in better words. That is exactly how I feel. I think because I have invested so much energy and time into relationships previously (and they have failed), I feel I have to be totally on the same wavelength of understanding with my DP or it does'nt feel right.
I certainly don't look through rose tinted glasses at relationships, I know there has to be give and take. Thanks for your input, I really do appreciate your views :-)