I think I've just become a single woman. Not sure what to do with myself.

[KnockDiddyKnockKnock]

P and I had agreed to separate this coming summer. We had an awful row last night and this morning he packed a bag and left. He took DS (10 yo) with him so I thought he was coming back. I've just phoned him and he's at his parents house. I spoke to DS and he was really happy and off up to bed. P said he will bring DS back at the weekend and has no idea where he's moving onto after that.

I don't know what to do with myself. I'm happy but God, after 15 years in this relationship, it is STRANGE to suddenly be alone.

I've had a bath, done my hair and took time to do my make-up nicely. I haven't done that in years. I feel younger and lighter, like I should be on my way out somewhere to get drunk and have celebrate with my mates.

I don't know why I'm posting. I suppose I wanted to share what's happening in my life but I don't want to talk to people who actually know me.

Hmm, am very pleased for you BUT also agree with SGB et al.'s words of warning.

I think I'd be generally playing along with his wee fantasy (as you have described it) until your DS is back home. Make sure that IS the weekend! Once that happens, you MUST make sure residence and child benefit is sorted - i.e. WITH YOU.

Use this positive moment and your energy right now to get legal advice - even if you have no money, you need to know your rights, and what you should and shouldn't be doing to make sure that he can't bully or guilt you from afar. Because he'll try to.

Yes, do get legal advice. It never hurts to know exactly where you stand. And get yourself a better class of friend. Judgemental about you wanting to be single indeed! A true friend would cheer you on to leave someone you're not happy with, rather than wanting you to "fit in" to cosy couples-world.

Actually, from your last post it sounds far more likely that what will happen is that he will come home after the weekend. Once he's made his dramatic point (and, as he thinks, punished you) he'll be back. He won't actually want to lose his comfy home. He'll have had time to calm down and think about all this and what you'll have on the weekend is him barging back in with his dirty washing, with your DS standing there watching it all. Back to square one.

Think about how you're going to deal with that, really, DO.

Is the house rented or bought?

See a lawyer for a free half hour. The likelihood is that you can't really keep him out of the house - you need advice, really. The fact that he has your DS with him makes it all much more difficult - I suspect that if e.g. you phoned him at his parents now and made it clear that you didn't want him to come back it would be 'Right, you won't be seeing DS then'.

I really think you need to think through what you can do here to get the outcome you want.

Now the vodka rush has waned, you do need to get practical, love

Heed the warnings on this thread, even if you think they won't happen. Like sgb said, this man may be pathetic but he has managed to control and curtail your life for however long.

Don't underestimate how much more he can turn the screw if he has a mind.

Sort out the finances, and I don't mean just borrowing from friends/family. Speak to the CAB. Speak to a solicitor to see what comes next.

I also agree that in a few days time he will simply walk back into your house and park his sorry arse. What then ?

I've just spoken to him. He is up to his usual emotional blackmail bullshit. He has told DS that they are staying away from home because "mummy wants some time away from us boys". DS is apparently "disappointed" but I can't speak to him because he's having breakfast. I will phone the landline in 10 minutes just to make sure they are where he says they are. He is playing games but I don't believe he has any intention of keeping DS. He is far too selfish.

I'm not sure what I should be doing regarding advice. We've been living on P's pension and I get CB and CTC come into my account. The flat is HA, in my name only, which sounds great because he has no legal right to come back. It gives him plenty of scope for guilting me into letting him come back though as if I turn him away I am effectively making him homeless. This is the main reason we'd agreed to separate later on this year - to give him time to organize accommodation.

I'm worried that I'll sort out benefits and then he'll turn up expecting to come back and accusing me of being underhand. He is just saying that he doesn't know what he's going to do after he leaves his parents and that staying there isn't an option.

Do I need a solicitor to deal with this?

Thanks for all advice so far and sorry about sappy posts last night. I am still happy this morning and it is really lovely not to have him stomping about the place. I am aware that he's not showing his hand though.

In reply to you, OP...
I have been managing nights out for several reasons. Husband still currently lives here. My children are teenagers. My friends, although many have partners/husbands, still socialise sans men sometimes and they have been supporting me.
I wish we lived closer as I would keep you company!
Keep in touch. X

OK, if he's got no legal right to be in the home, you can have the police remove him at a time of your choosing. I appreciate that you will not want to do this in front of your DS, so better to work it out that it happens when DS is at school or something. YOur DS is 10 so he will be aware of the atmosphere in the house.

First, wait till DS is home with you, this is very important. I would advise talking to a solicitor about the precise details of the situation so you have all the relevant information ready before the man comes back and starts bullshitting you.
Remember it's not your problem where he lives. He can go to his parents, rent a flat, do whatever, but he can't live with you if you don't want him to.

ANd being 'underhand' is nothing to worry about. You're getting rid of an unsatisfactory and untrustworthy man, whatever steps (within the law) you take are fine, prioritize yourself and remember that any negative effects on him are his own fault.

What he's telling DS is a bad thing. The one thing a child should be secure in is its parents' love, but his dad tells him his mum doesn't want him there. He may realise it isn't true after a while, but it will still undermine his sense of security. Mind games with an adult partner is one (bad enough) thing, mind games with a ten-year-old child is a whole other level of wickedness.

Git.

In your situation, I would go collect my son.

Then, I would tell this man to fuck off, and stay fucked off.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

I phoned the landline and they are where he said they were. I spoke to DS first, he is fine. I told him that I miss him and I just needed a short break and that I can't wait to see him.

He passed the phone to P and he was a pig, accusing me of stupid things. He thinks I've got rid of him (I didn't get rid of him at all, he chose to leave) because I've had another man move in and insisted that I was 'boozing' at 11am this morning. I was sitting in silence, not moving, but he could hear me opening bottles with metal lids

I told him that I would like this to be the end of our relationship now and that I won't accept him coming back. He asked if I'd like DS to come back or if I've had enough of him as well [bangs head against wall]. He said his parents won't let him stay and he has no money to rent a flat, which is true, but then again I have no money to pay my rent or bills or to buy food either so it's shit for both of us. I told him that he was just going to have to come up with something as us continuing to live how we have been lately is unacceptable and I can't stand it anymore.

He thinks I am being unfair and said that he IS coming back. I've told him he isn't and I bloody mean it. I've phoned Housing Benefit, DWP and Tax Credits this afternoon and told them I'm now a single parent. He has since phoned and now his dad is agreeing to a 2 week stay and then he will 'reassess the situation' . Oh and he won't give me any child support for DS, which I knew anyway. Right now he can shove his money, I don't want it.

There is one problem though. He has a nurse visiting here soon to show him how to inject his new medication. The meds are in the fridge and they cost £400 each (2 of them). I don't know what to do about this. I doubt if she can travel to his parents house so I think I'll have to let him have her here.

SGB, you're right I should have left it until DS is back here. I didn't read your post until after I spoke to him. I really don't think he will pull any stunts as he finds DS very hard work and is probably struggling with him already. DS will definitely want to come back here with me. I don't know what a solicitor can advise me with at the moment so I'm going to hold off on that for now.

I would really love a hug right now. After last night's euphoria I am so tired and worried about it all. I miss DS like mad and I can't wait to see him on Saturday.

Separated, thank you sweetheart

Annie, this is very typical behaviour from P. He has never been able to grasp that he isn't always the victim in any given situation. He can be very nice when he has his own way and I think this is why people generally think he's wonderful and I have no support. People see a kind, soft-hearted man who's P has stopped loving him - they don't see the emotional bullying and learned helplessness. From way back in our relationship I've felt like I am personally responsible for his happiness. I have had to put his needs first about everything because he is 'softer' than me. I am very tired of it.

Sorry Anyfucker, cross posted.

I can't really go to get him. They are miles away.

I could get a train but I'd not make it back tonight. I'm going to phone again later to talk to DS and ask him to bring him home tomorrow instead.

Wow. You are really together and organised. Well done you! Stay strong and things will work out.

I am another one who was instantly uneasy when you mentioned he had taken your son with him. He's probably spinning him a load of lies at this very minute; he's already showed what sort of chap he is, why would you feel sure that he will bring your son back or be in any way honorable?

Make sure DS is with you, and then get a solicitor and don't back down. Your housing situation is excellent so you shouldn't have any further trouble from him if everything is communicated via the proper legal channels. Nothing wrong with involving the police if you have to - the bloke is the one with the problem,not you, and you're entitled to end a relationship at any time without harassment.

Your biggest problem is that you sound both complacent as tohow low he could stoop and not very confident in your decision; how could you claiming benefits after a relationship breakdown be considered 'underhand'? You're doing nothing wrong but he's still in your head and once DS is with you, you need to set about eradicating him from your thought processes so he can't worm his way back in.

Another one who cross-posted. Do get DS back with you ASAP. Not sure about the medication but definitely have someone else in the house with you while he is there if you have to let him in, and call the police if he won't leave afterwards, you're within your rights to do that.

Nothing to add except wishing you all the best for the future to you and DS.

Call and tell him that you will discuss NOTHING further until your son is home. He is to bring your son home and then to return to his parents, seeing as they have said that they will put him up for a couple of weeks. The you can both think and have a break from it all.

If you need to be vague, give the impression that yes, maybe you should work it out, etc. etc., DO SO until your son is back with you.

Don't even let him stay the night. Broken record time: we need space apart, right now. Go back to your parents, or I will have you removed by the police.

As soon as your son is back, organise for his stuff to be sent to his parents and change the locks. And get onto the CSA.

Get ready for blackmail and ranting, and IGNORE IT.

He isn't a nice person. You are well rid.

The meds - I'd be getting a cool bag and some ice packs so that he can take them away with him. No opportunity for an excuse.

if he is bringing ds back tomorrow, then he can take his meds with him

if he lets the nurse know, and she will arrange for a more local colleague (to his parents) to do what needs to be done

let him arrange that, OP, it is not your problem

he takes the meds...he sorts it

everything else you said sounds great, really it does

make it count this time love, or you will never get shut of this emotional parasite

By all means lie to him until your DS is back, then kick him out. This man is your ENEMY for the moment. He is a parasite, and a totally untrustworthy one, so no tactic is unfair or unethical in getting DS back and the man out.

Thanks everyone for all the advice.

DS is on his way back home now. I was a bit sneaky and booked a dentist appt. for him yesterday for this afternoon. I pretended that I'd booked it last week and had forgotten about it.

P is being an arse, alternating between 'lovely, but hurt, wounded man' and 'nasty bastard'.

HepHep, I think claiming benefits as a lone parents feels underhand because I know he doesn't see me as single yet. I am really quite fucked up over my responsibilities towards our 'relationship'. I'm reading posts above saying that I don't have to have him here if I don't want him but it really doesn't feel like that in my heart. I feel terribly guilty because I'm glad he's given me this opportunity to end things.

The meds are sorted now. The nurse phoned yesterday and I told her the truth, that we've had a relationship breakdown and he no longer lives here. She was going to call his mobile number to make alternative arrangements and I've heard nothing back about it. He can collect his injections when he returns DS.

I probably won't be around for the rest of the day but really appreciate the help I've got here.

You are doing so well.
Well done.
Pls post as soon as you can to let us know that you have your son safely home. X

Let us know how you are when you can

Separated, thank you

I really admire you for getting out and having some fun whilst you're still living with your Ex. I would love a night out with my mates but it's not been part of my life for so long now I'd be scared. My plan is to get sorted with the practicalities of being a lone parent (finances, child care, coping without support) and then get back to work, and then try to make some friends. My friends are our friends and I think I need to make some of my own.

I've got my boy back now

He's outside with his little girlfriend [squeee] totally unaware that his dad has dropped him off and left. I will let him enjoy playing out for as long as he wants and then we'll have a talk.

P came in, picked up his mail and left. [Good riddance]

I'm very happy at the moment.

Have loads to be getting on with. I'm cleaning the place from top to bottom and collecting all P's stuff together. He doesn't have to take it all yet but I want it to be easy when he decides he's ready. I don't want him spending ages poking around and messing about.

I'll update when I have some news.

Sorry, cross-posted AF. Thank you as well