relationship gone downhill after baby

[needmorezzzz]

Our baby is 6months old. I had a difficult pregnancy and birth. DH was not supportive during either. I have felt that we are falling apart many times since baby arrived but slowly things have become a bit easier, though we are still not close like we were.

I don't want to write an essay but basically I've got the point where I have almost accepted that I will have to do all of the housework and childcare if I want to avoid having another row. I don't think it's acceptable but he blew up tonight over unloading the dishwasher, saying his standard phrase that he 'works his bollocks off' and drives for 2 hours a day and now does he have to do all the housework as well? He probably changes 1 nappy a week, has never bathed DS, never fed him. I'm BFing but now started solids too but he's not interested. DH seems to just want to do play time and that's it.

I have just returned to work which is only one day a week out of the house but I have to do some work at home which is very hard as I can't pay for childcare for that time, as I'm only paid for the hours I'm in work.

I can't go into what DH was like in the first few days when I came home when DS was born as I'll get upset as I type this.

He said yesterday that my birth experience was totally normal and was very dismissive of what I've been through. I'm not saying I'm the only woman to have had a bad pg and birth but it was not easy and I don't understand why he can't recognise this and support me. He is supposed to be the person in the world I can rely on but I feel a million miles away from him. He seems keen on another baby but sadly I don't think I can do it again knowing how DH has been with DS.

We have no family near by. I did consider going to relate but the nearest one is 10 miles away, we could only go on saturdays and I don't have anyone who could look after baby. I am also partly scared of the can of worms any sort of counselling could unearth.

I am up at 6 am with broken sleep as baby doesn't go through without feeding most nights still. DH sleeps in spare room so he gets a good sleep for work but does this at weekends too. I finally get to bed around now having done all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, caring for baby, prep for my work, chores for DH's business, walked the dog etc. I can't see when I will ever ever get a break again.

I don't know how to tackle this without massive rows which I don't have the energy for. I feel totally alone and just coping on autopilot. More than that, I feel like a mug for ending up in this position. I'm not a doormat by nature but I'm choosing to try and be superwoman over having huge rows. What is the answer?

The answer is to ask yourself would it be any harder to do this without your husband ?

I can't see it myself

It sounds awful.

Your husband is a horrible sack of shit. He doesn't deserve a lovely young family.

How about going to stay with your family (if they're supportive people) for a break to have time to yourself to see if you can see a way forward? And possibly to shake him up a bit.

Oh lovely :( I wish I could give you a massive hug. I have been exactly where you are and I know how draining it is. I cannot even think about those first few days following birth either, I suspect I have blocked parts of it out, DS is 3 now.

Unfortunately, there is no easy answer. Carrying on the way you are will leave you with even less energy to cope with his selfishness.

What would his reaction be if you asked him to move out temporarily to give you some thinking and breathing space?

He should be the one wanting to give you a hug, BTW, and supporting you and helping you and generally doing his share. Not fair at all that you have to do it alone and have to put up with him blowing up over minor things too.

All of the housework and all of the childcare and all of the chores for his business plus walking the dog versus 'another row'... not much contest there.

If he won't reasonably discuss a more equitable division of labour, I'd opt for the mother of all rows in which I'd tell him in no uncertain terms to shape up or ship out.

If that didn't bring about any improvement in my living conditions, I'd make an appointment with a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law and who offers a free half an hour initial consultation.

The only bright spot in your life seem to be the fact that while he's 'working his bollocks off' and getting a good night's sleep in the spare room every night, there's not much chance of him fathering dc2.

I suggest you keep it that way until you've either whupped his lazy arse into shape or sent him packing.

It seems to me that as, you've already got a live-in canine pal, your life will be bliss once you've divested yourself of the unnecessary live-in human .

human ?

he doesn't sound quite human to me...

what a horrible twat he sounds OP. so sorry you are going through this. also... so sorry for what you went through during the birth, it must have been really awful :( and to not even get any support... just horrid. my heart goes out to you.

I am indebted to AF for pointing out an error in my response (above).

Amendment: your life will be bliss once you've divested yourself of the unnecessary live-in man-shaped creature from the primeaval swamp that is draining the lifeblood out of you.

Hollow laugh at 'working his bollocks off'. As fucking if!!! The lazy twat doesn't know he's born.

If you want a marriage that is worthy of the name it's down to you to make sure you put his gonads in a vice he emits the essential primal scream that delivers him into the real world, Once this has been achieved, you may find that have a piece of clay you can work with.

The alternative is to ditch this millstone round your neck liability in favour of one who's been raised by a good woman to be a good man.

Do you have any female friends that you could meet up with who would appreciate what you went through giving birth? Perhaps it would be beneficial to invite them round or go out to meet them and get the emotional support from people with more empathy.
Maybe your partner feels that he works long hours with a long commute for you and the baby and this is not being appreciated so here you are both feeling unacknowledged and are locking horns, if you accuse him of being useless or something it will only serve to make his defenses go up and chip away at his confidence, maybe you'll get into a huge row, out of anger at the situation rather tan with each other.
What do you enjoy doing together- going for coffee,just sitting still and hugging, walking? Whatever kit is maybe you just need to have a bit of quality time to get reconnected with each other.
Good luck

It's all about him, isn't it. Kick him out - he will never change.

why is everyone so quick to say kick him out? Such a destructive solution?

whydontwehaveasharpknife thank you & everyone else for replies. No I'm not about to destroy our marriage. I wouldn't have had a baby with him if I was prepared to give up on it so easily. I just want to find a way of communicating. Does anyone have positive experience with relate? Or sorting things out like this themselves?

He isn't lazy. He works very hard on his job and his business but it is at my expense and I think he should be more involved with the responsibilities of looking after DS. He loves him to bits and DS adores him so there is no way I would resort to divorce without exhausting every possibility of making it work first.

I think the top and bottom of it is that DH is a child emotionally and whilst I probably just 'got on with it' before DS was born, it is now so amplified that I can't and it is a shock to DH. I am probably not expressing myself as well as I could when I am so knackered and I know I am carrying resentment around with me which isn't healthy.

My family are hundreds of miles away and I work so I can't just run off to them. Even if I could, my mother isn't brilliant at times. She is a product of the 1950s so she just says its a man's world and that's how it is! So she ends up winding me up more! His mum is actually a therapist so says she won't get involved if I ever talk to her (after she asks!) but then DOES get involved by saying stuff to DH and interfering. She has 'issues' quite honestly and most of his weirdness I think probably comes from his screwed up childhood.

Whydon't - he never gets up with the baby, never changes nappies, belittles the OP's feelings about the birth, won't even empty the dishwasher without kicking off and then says he's the one hard done by because he works - which of course implies that the OP does nothing all day. It shouldn't be too surprising if the OP doesn't really care about his confidence or about going out for coffee with him. If he were my DH I wouldn't even be able to look at him without wanting to smack him in the face. It sounds like he's of the opinion that raising children is women's work and that it isn't nearly as important as the "real" work he does.

OP why are you doing chores for his business?

Cross-posted with you OP. I agree that divorce isn't the first option, but I think unless your DH recognises that there really is a problem then counselling isn't going to help either. Are you able to have a calm, sensible discussion with him about this?

I think the first six months after the baby is born can be a massive shock, to you as individuals and to the marriage. My husband didn't initially adjust well at all and saw himself very much as the provider and wasn't the hands-on father I had hoped for, changed nappies only when asked and never liked to do things like bathing the baby. As I was breasfeeding, he did no nights either. I was left wondering where my supposed 'new man' might have got to.

It was awful. We were both sleep-deprived and getting at each other, if he implied I hadn't done something I went mad at him and he started dreading coming home. Equally, he was tactless and didn't get how my life had changed, and was positively dismissive of some aspects of it.

Things changed for us when my dd1 was about 14 months old and my work meant he had to start taking sole charge of her. Fast forward to now and he's a normal parent, looks after both children, not just the fun bits, including when I leave the country/work away, and is just 100% their dad. I do not feel like the primary parent, we are a team.

I think leaving a marriage because you are struggling in the early six month period is a mistake unless there is abuse, because you are both exhausted, tempers get frayed and everyone isn't at their best. The first year after a child is born is apparently the peak time to break up. But I have known many many couples struggle at this stage, but then go past this time to be happy normal functioning families.

Now, if you find in another six months, your husband is still rude to you and dismissive, and continues to make you feel awful, and doesn't respect your feelings, then you can sit down for 'the talk' which basically goes if you carry on like this, I will get up and leave.

I could have written your post when my babies were 6 months. I nearly sent myself crazy getting angry about his sense of entitlement and presumption that 'going to work' was harder than running a house, feeding a family and caring for twin babies. He also slept in the spare room, while I had both babies all night (was breastfeeding, so not much choice, butan offer of help would have been nice).

My babies are 16 months old now, and I am back at work full time (though taking one day a week annual leave) with a 4 hour per day commute. I still do all the nights, all the food/house planning/shopping/cooking. My life is much easier since I returned to work, but that's because my Mum takes care of my babies at my house 2 days a week and so she keeps on top of the washing/cleaning midweek.

I don't know how to change things. My husband will do any household job I ask him to do, will feed a baby if I ask him to and hand him the bowl, will even take sole care of both babies if I need to go out for a day. But I still feel like I have to hold it all together, be responsible for everything, albeit with some input from him when I prescribe exactly what I need him to do. He doesn't take ultimate responsibility for anything other than going to his job, whereas I have a job, a house, pets, a car, a family to feed/wash/clothe oh, and two toddlers to entertain, love and keep safe 24/7.

I have no idea how to change it. But like you, I don't think I am ready to call time on my marriage (or my babies' chance at a 2-parent family). I have accepted it for now, and keep praying for an enigma moment when he realises what I have done/still do to keep our family on the road.

I cross posted with hardgoing.

Thank you forgiving me hope that this might improve. I know you said a year, but he is slowly getting more involved, so maybe we're just a bit slower!

zzzzz,

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Re your comment:-
"I just want to find a way of communicating".
You won't be able to communicate with him if he is not interested and you cannot solely rescue a relationship that is to all intents and purposes failing.
If he gets het up over something as trivial as unloading a dishwasher I cannot actually see him going to Relate with you at all. BTW if he refuses to go to Relate with you, go on your own.

You cannot take full responsibility here for this marriage; he has to as well. You cannot save this on your own.

You aren't destroying your marriage here (he is doing that by his very actions and lack of caring and consideration all round) but you have undoubtedly changed your behaviour to avoid him rowing with the selfish and immature manchild your chose for a H. This in itself is damaging to your self esteem and confidence so your son will pick up on that as well.

Your man had a screwed up childhood and learnt a lot of damaging stuff from it; unfortunately your love for him cannot even begin to scratch the surface here and it won't be enough. Marriage and or children are not enough to heal such damaged people and he has to want to help his own self here. He clearly does not and is likely repeating what he saw far earlier on in his life.

What are the two of you teaching your son about relationships, what lessons is he going to learn from the two of you as he gets older in the event you two stay together?. Five words suffice; damaging ones from you both.

It's a very unequal division of labour - you are looking after the baby, the household, your work AND DOING CHORES FOR HIS BUSINESS!! While he gets an unbroken night's sleep.

For a start, I would stop doing anything that does not need to be done for you and the baby. So housework, cleaning, cooking etc - you both need those. And you need to organise your work stuff. But if he is not taking up some slack on sharing house and child duties, he cannot add to that burden with his work stuff.

Can you afford to have someone come once a week or even a couple of hours a fortnight? If so, get them to hoover, dust, mop floors etc. Then you can brush, run a quick mop occasionally, but not have a load to do.

Try and eat healthily, but smart. So do a double batch of spag bol and add loads of grated veggies into it (for the goodness) - freeze the second half. It;s a lot less time to make a double batch than 2 seperate batches. Peel extra potates for a chops and veggies dinner, and use the spare to cover a shepherd's pie next day. Use good quality shortcuts for the short term to help you save time and energy. And especially the day you are working, it saves time to have something ready prepared when you get in.

While you can't ask your mum for regular help, could she bring a lasagne with her when she comes to visit, or agree to come one afternoon to help do a big clean and chat together while you do it, rather than sitting over tea and buns for the chat?

Would a launderette work for clothes? So you have one less job to do? Even just for the big things (towels and sheets say)? I presume that you don't have to do a load of ironing DH's work shirts etc - and if you do, either he has to do them or send them to a laundry service instead (and he pays).

(Also, maybe I am naive, but it sounds daft to me that you are expected to work at home in addition to working one day per week, but not get paid for it).

And yes, he DOES need to start to communicate with you about his expectations and understand what is really involved in running the house especially now that there are 3 people to be looked after. Maybe do a list of all the chores involved in the house and minding the baby, show how long you spend doing each of these per week, and how little relaxation (and sleep!) time you get - and compare his schedule with that. (I would include work hours in that comparison - so that you acknowledge his time fairly) - but I presume that would show an unequal distribution of relaxation time, and also a skewing of "playtime" for you both with the baby compared with "work" time with the baby (nappies, changing, baths, feeding etc - can all be great fun at times, but they are all work too and often not fun at all - whereas playtime is usually purely fun!).

I feel so sad when I see women accepting such very low standards in their partners

It can be done-ie your partner can change, but he will need a huge kick up the arse administered by you, rather than (just) counselling. If you want it to change you need to decide where your line is, plus he has to want it to. It sounds unlikely at the moment tbh, from what you've said about him. He sounds hideous to me, a man with a huge sense of entitlement, used to getting his own way with no thought for you it seems.

So, if you're going with this, you're in for a long and bumpy ride with no guarantees of success at the end of it

Would he even agree to counselling? It sounds like he thinks his life is sorted.

I would be very tempted to go on strike and stop doing his chores and just shop, cook, clean and do laundry for you and the baby?

I don;t know how practical it is with you BFeeding but could you get him to take a day off to look after baby while you go out? He will then realise just how much work is involved.