relationship gone downhill after baby

[needmorezzzz]

Our baby is 6months old. I had a difficult pregnancy and birth. DH was not supportive during either. I have felt that we are falling apart many times since baby arrived but slowly things have become a bit easier, though we are still not close like we were.

I don't want to write an essay but basically I've got the point where I have almost accepted that I will have to do all of the housework and childcare if I want to avoid having another row. I don't think it's acceptable but he blew up tonight over unloading the dishwasher, saying his standard phrase that he 'works his bollocks off' and drives for 2 hours a day and now does he have to do all the housework as well? He probably changes 1 nappy a week, has never bathed DS, never fed him. I'm BFing but now started solids too but he's not interested. DH seems to just want to do play time and that's it.

I have just returned to work which is only one day a week out of the house but I have to do some work at home which is very hard as I can't pay for childcare for that time, as I'm only paid for the hours I'm in work.

I can't go into what DH was like in the first few days when I came home when DS was born as I'll get upset as I type this.

He said yesterday that my birth experience was totally normal and was very dismissive of what I've been through. I'm not saying I'm the only woman to have had a bad pg and birth but it was not easy and I don't understand why he can't recognise this and support me. He is supposed to be the person in the world I can rely on but I feel a million miles away from him. He seems keen on another baby but sadly I don't think I can do it again knowing how DH has been with DS.

We have no family near by. I did consider going to relate but the nearest one is 10 miles away, we could only go on saturdays and I don't have anyone who could look after baby. I am also partly scared of the can of worms any sort of counselling could unearth.

I am up at 6 am with broken sleep as baby doesn't go through without feeding most nights still. DH sleeps in spare room so he gets a good sleep for work but does this at weekends too. I finally get to bed around now having done all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, caring for baby, prep for my work, chores for DH's business, walked the dog etc. I can't see when I will ever ever get a break again.

I don't know how to tackle this without massive rows which I don't have the energy for. I feel totally alone and just coping on autopilot. More than that, I feel like a mug for ending up in this position. I'm not a doormat by nature but I'm choosing to try and be superwoman over having huge rows. What is the answer?

AnyFucker I agree.

You're supposed to have a partnership. You have to do it together.

I can't believe anyone would stand for that kind of behaviour out of the person you're supposed to love, or behave that way to the person you're supposed to love. At weekends you should be taking it in turns to get up, so that you get a lie-in at least once a week.

I couldn't have had a life like that.

Unfortunately this is very, very common: when the baby arrives, the man shows his true colours ie those of a selfish, sexist, entitled shitbag.
Before the baby arrived you could kid yourself that things were fine and that the way he had to have his own way and remind you all the time that he is the person and you are an appendage to him were, well, just the way he is and nothing to worry about.
A man as selfish as this is probably going to progress to hitting you fairly soon OP. He already considers you his servant and his inferior.

No-one is suggesting divorce as a first resort but the only way you're going to be able to 'communicate' with him is to lay out your requirements as a deal breaker.

Alternatively, as he has the mental age of a 2 year old, try flashcards. Hand him ds with a card saying 'Your turn to change my bum', send the dog to him trailing a lead and a card saying 'Your turn to walk me', place other cards around the house/on domestic appliances as required and then put your feet up on the sofa - if he asks what you're doing, hand him a card that says 'Your turn to make me a G&T cuppa'.

The bottom line is that if you don't make a stand now you're going to find yourself back in the 1950's just like your dear mama.

Wow...i am in exactly the same situation as you except i bit the bullet and left him today.

He told me he would 'kick me out if i dnt stop going on about the bloody washing up' and im not to stop so here i am, in a fit of anxiety at my parents with my 7 1/2 month old baby asleep in the travel cot.

He slept in the spare room also, never lifted a finger and went on about work like he was the only man ever to have had a child and gone to work. He never fed her, changed her or did anything except play and when she cried she was all mine. I ended up resenting him and resentment is soooooo ugly in a person.

Good luck, i hope im doing the right thing.

You have very definitely done the right thing Em and, as you've so rightly said, resentment is not a trait to be cultivated for any length of time as it has a particularly ugly effect on one's features.

Why not start your own thread so that you can get some support and handholding from others who've been where you are now and come out the other side stronger and better off for having made a stand?

It seems incredible that you could still be working at 11pm just to get everything done. Surely the only fair way to run things is so that you both get the same amount of free time. He needs to understand that while both your roles in the family have changed, it isn't so simple as one person earning money and the other doing everything else.

Did he ever do paternity leave? If not maybe he hasn't bonded at all with the baby :( The first six months are tough for everyone, but are conquered by helping each other and both making sacrifices.

Wolf cub, i hope that your actions will force your partner to take responsibility.

wolf, I believe you are doing the right thing

I also believe that, even though of course I have no proof, that the behaviour of these selfish men who sleep in the spare room and "work long hours" have other reasons for treating their wives like shit ie. their dubious charm and affections are being utilised elsewhere

AF: I don't think that's necessarily so. These men just consider that they, by virtue of bringing in wages, are the heads of the household and the only real people in it, so the 'woman' is somewhere between domestic appliance and domestic pet.

not necessarily so

but likely to happen at one point, when the "domestic appliance" gets tired of pandering to these men's massive ego, and he goes to find the unencumbered and unjaded hero-worship somewhere else

I think leaving a marriage because you are struggling in the early six month period is a mistake unless there is abuse

Sure sounds like an abusive relationship to me:

"I've got the point where I have almost accepted that I will have to do all of the housework and childcare if I want to avoid having another row."

"I can't go into what DH was like in the first few days when I came home when DS was born as I'll get upset as I type this."

"He said yesterday that my birth experience was totally normal and was very dismissive of what I've been through. "

"he blew up tonight over unloading the dishwasher, saying his standard phrase that he 'works his bollocks off' and drives for 2 hours a day and now does he have to do all the housework as well? He probably changes 1 nappy a week, has never bathed DS, never fed him."

"I don't know how to tackle this without massive rows which I don't have the energy for. I feel totally alone"

You ask what the answer is, zzzzzz. You don't sound like you're ready to hear it, so I'll tell you what the answer is not: to spend any more time, emotions, and energy trying to please and manage a man who doesn't want to change

OP I think men can get a form of PND too, when the responsibility of pregnancy and parenthood hits them.
Unfortunately it is then all too easy for them to withdraw into work and a traditional male role.

Only you know wether his lack of emotional support is new or simply that you didn't need it in the past.

If his behaviour results from coming to terms with being a family, time and possibly counselling may help. My DH is far better with older DCs than babies, many men are.

But and it is a big BUT people don't change! If in your heart of hearts you suspect that his lack of emotional support lurked in the background Pre the baby, then I'm sorry you know what you must do.

I had a similar situtions as I was away from family, had a difficult birth and no sleep, was breastfeeding on demand i.e. all bloody night and had to get on and keep the house up together while husband worked. Looking back I did encourage him to sleep in the spare room so that at least one of us was sane some of the time. However he was never dismissive of the difficult labour I had and would have been kicked out the door had he been. At times he was selfish and we had plenty of rows about it, the trouble was I didn't know how to let him take things on. I would ask him to do something then I would back track because I didn't want him to upset my routine with DD. So he got lots of mixed messages from me.

The best thing I did was to employ a cleaner (£20 for 2 hours cleaning) and a childminder to take DD for 5 hours a week so I could get some time to myself. I know this is all cash dependant but I made it my priority as I don't drink, smoke or socialize so I tried to put my money where it was most useful. That said I'm aware that this may not be the case for everyone so please forgive me if it is not a useful suggestion.

We now get on much better. Dh took a year off work and spent it with DD and now he really knows the score he is much more helpful and loving towards me and I feel heard and understood. I was lucky that this was possible as I'm not sure what would have happened otherwise. It may also be useful if you let your DH have one full day on his own with your baby on a weekly basis. It may help him understand how hard it is with a newborn.

You are not alone in this, I think it's very common (alas). My partner has also said "I go to work, why should I be expected to help around the house after work".....I too am full of resentment. But like "redbunnyfruitcake", I suggested my partner sleep in the spare room from week 3 after baby was born as I was breastfeeding, didn't seem any point in two people being utterly exhausted. I also probably sent mixed messages like her, wanting him to do stuff but then realise it wasn't as I would do it etc.

Please ignore the "kick him out" posts on here find some way if possible to talk to him. Not easy I know, I am also doing the avoiding communicating thing as it just leads to a row. BUT, better a row and get your feeling heard than to eventually be so full of resentment that you end up splitting up.

He really does need to see how much you have taken on. He sounds extremely unsupportive and you must been inside very resentful, very hurt and very angry and that is hard to get past and will erode every part of your relationship until you can get yourself heard and understood by him.

It is a shame you can't do some counselling of your own. I started some today, and god, just to get your feelings of resentment out, to have someone listen and understand, it's a very very useful tool.

Hang on in there ok

And I would tell him that you don't have time to do "chores for his business" anymore. You have taken too much on. You have to pass his business stuff back to him to start with. His work is is work, not yours.

I have been to Relate for the some of the same reasons and more besides. After a short while it was apparent that it just was not resolving issues for us simply because my partner was not happy about being frog marched to counselling. He found it very difficult to talk about his feelings and ultimately I think didn't take responsibility for his part in our unhappiness. I think they offer a good service to couples but it was never going to work for us because my partner was not willing to fully cooperate. I had my son nearly a year ago and it is really difficult to cope with all the changes and new responsibilities for both parties. I think my partner is clueless when it comes to what I have gone through in terms of a horrendous birth and some of the emotional aspects of such a massive change in life etc. Thats not his fault, however he is responsible in offering support which he is trying to do now. You need to be clear to him about what you need from him in terms of support around the house etc. Also he should be helping with night feeds etc as its his responsibility as well not just yours. You cannot and should not be his fall guy anymore, regardless of whether he works or not.

But "Groceries", from what I can tell OP has already tried to communicate what she needs in regards to help and he is being very selfish and not cooperating and her asking for help just ends in a row. She has said that she now no longer has the energy for a row so is not saying anything. (I am in the same position so I understand).

But where can she go from here if he won't go to counselling and he won't try and understand what she needs from him?

I shall watch this thread with great interest.