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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

H left us this morning , what do I do?

30 replies

Theglassiscompletelyempty · 15/02/2012 08:31

After spending a night on the sofa he left this morning for his parents. I don't know what to do. Things have not been good for quite a while, but I still love him very much and want to be with him.We've only been married 2.5 years but after we were married it's like he stopped bothering to try. He says he loves me but itn't in love with me to want to be intimate. He is asexual and most of his relationships have ended with the woman going off with someone else. But I don't want someone else, I want him to want to love me.

DS eating toast and watching Peppa Pig. I feel so empty. Please someone tell me it's going to be ok.

OP posts:
mummymccar · 15/02/2012 08:40

Couldn't read and run. I'm sorry I don't have any real advice other than to surround yourself with people in RL who can give you and DS the support that you'll need in the coming weeks.
Have you tried counselling? It sounds like you really want to work at your marriage, would he be willing to speak to Relate?
Sending you lots of unmumsnetty hugs.

oreocrumbs · 15/02/2012 08:40

It is going to be ok. Have you talked properly about this? - has he left for good, or for a break while he/you assess the relationship.

For today keep busy, get washed and dressed and take your DS out somewhere.

MigratingCoconuts · 15/02/2012 08:47

Take care of your self today Sad

Unfortunately, you can't make him be where he doesn't want to be. You are in the horrible position of reacting to what he has decided should happen.

Have you got a good friend/relative you can call? It would be good if you could have some company.

Theglassiscompletelyempty · 15/02/2012 08:48

Things have been pretty rubbish since we got married to be honest. It's like he stopped trying to make an effort with me. We very rarely had sex, but managed to had ds (now 2).

We have been having problems for quite a while and I've suggested we go for counselling several times. He agreed to it last year but changed his mind when I went through the process of enquiring.

I really want this relationship to work, but I find the lack of intimacy really hard. I feel so crap. How can he be in love with me enough to marry me and then feel no attraction what so ever. I know I put on about a stone after having ds, but I?m trying to be good. He fills the cupboards with crappy junk, which I then eat when I feel low. He?s put on 3 and I still find him attractive. I cant? be that disgusting can I?
He started his own business 2 years ago and spends most of his time running that, so I feel very lonely at times. He goes through phases of being obsessed with things. In the years I?ve known him it?s been various computer games, snow boarding, gliding, motorbikes and various cars. Maybe I was just one of his obsessions that he?s now sick of.

My best friend is on holiday for half term and my parents are in their house in France. I can't bare to tell anyone - it's so awful.

OP posts:
oreocrumbs · 15/02/2012 09:11

You are not disgusting and its not your fault. Your dh sounds like he has issues surrounding sex and intimacy and that needs to be adressed with counselling.

I think you should ring your mum. She may be in France but she will still be able to support you.

How was it left with dh? Is he coming back at some point to talk or has he not told you?

MadAboutHotChoc · 15/02/2012 09:13

Have you ruled out the possibility that he is being intimate with someone else? This would explain why he has been distant.

You need RL support so do give your parents a call.

Theglassiscompletelyempty · 15/02/2012 09:18

We didn't argue (which is what usually happens). I just feel numb. He went as if he's going to work, just with a suitcase. My Ds waved him off happily with 'bye daddy, I love you' and I just want to sink into despair.

I can?t ring Mum, she deserves this holiday without worry. She has recently had a cancer scare and has been having a horrible time with unsupportive boss at work. I don?t want to spoil it for her. My BF should be back from the lakes today so I?ll tell her.

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MadAboutHotChoc · 15/02/2012 09:20

Have you checked the laptop/PC etc to check internet history, emails etc to see if there is anything that would explain this?

MigratingCoconuts · 15/02/2012 09:22

I know it feels awful to tell someone now but, trust me, it will help. true friends and family back you to the tilt and give you the support you will need to get through.

Its not you. Its him. He has a history of this, from what you have said.

PeppermintPasty · 15/02/2012 09:30

I'm so sorry love, sending you some support and hugs. That horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach will subside, but right now you're probably in shock.

What do you mean by asexual-do you mean that he's never really been into sex, or has this been since the marriage, or more recently? Sorry to bombard you.

Give your DS lots of cuddles today, and just know that this feeling will pass. Try and look after yourself-eat a little, rest a little.

Theglassiscompletelyempty · 15/02/2012 09:47

I can't check his computer. He runs his own IT Company and always has max security on everything. I don't know if I have the energy to go digging for evidence. I've asked if there is someone else and he's always said no. To be honest his latest obsession is his company, which doesn't leave him any time for other people - including me. I almost wish there was someone else, becaues it would give me an excuse to hate him (I told him this last night).

By asexual, I mean he has no desire to have sex. He's always had a lower than average sex drive, which I could handle. But it's got worse after we got engaged and and worse still since we married - almost like now he's married he doesn't need to make any effort at all. He says he cant give me what I want and deserve. He doesn't feel attracted to me anymore, he feels no desire to have sex. We have just been living in the same house with the occasional cuddle and peck on the lips. But whenever I initiate anything I get rejected.

I made a real effort last night as it was valentines. We had a nice meal at home and he bought me 6 long stem roses and a lovely card. He tries to make up for the lack of intimacy by buying me stuff, but he can't give me what I really want. Maybe I'm the one with the problems. I've put the roses and cards in the bin. They mean nothing.

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EirikurNoromaour · 15/02/2012 09:49

You say he is asexual, has he always been? Does he acknowledge thIs? Because if so then you are really flogging a dead horse, might as well wonder why your gay best friend doesn't want to have sex with you. You deserve a sex life and to feel desired and cherished, so maybe the split is for the best.

EirikurNoromaour · 15/02/2012 09:51

I am very sorry for you but you can't fix his sexual issues. Either he is genuinely asexual in which case he should not be in a relationship with someone who isn't, or he has some very deep seated sexual/intimacy issues that you cannot fix.

Theglassiscompletelyempty · 15/02/2012 10:27

I know I can't fix him. He admits he has always had these problems. All his relationships have ended the same way. I can't have what I want, but it's still so upsetting.

Divorce/separation is unheard of in my large extended family. I feel like such a failure. What do I tell them?

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 15/02/2012 10:40

If he has become asexual since marriage then this could indicate he is being satisfied elsewhere but its not clear from your posts if this has always been the case.

There is nothing you can do except take care of yourself and your DC and take control by seeing a solicitor/CAB to find out your rights legally and financially. You need to check your finances - it has been known for men to wipe out bank accounts when leaving their families.

ImperialBlether · 15/02/2012 10:45

Well, lucky for your extended family that nobody has been married to a man like him. If they had, divorce would have been more common.

He has a very low sex drive. That doesn't reflect on your attractiveness at all. He is the one with the problem.

Your marriage hasn't been happy, so please take this opportunity to end it. I think you should speak to a solicitor.

ranteetheranter · 15/02/2012 10:49

I was taught something recently.

"if you are unhappy change what you can in the world to make you happy. If you can't change the world change yourself"

You are unhappy and you have tried to get him help which he won't take. If you can't change him you have to change yourself. That may well mean letting him go.

Sorry you are going through this its Shit. But its not your fault its him.

MigratingCoconuts · 15/02/2012 10:54

I agree, he is the one with the problems here and if this is how he has always felt, then he had no business getting married to you...sorry.

Please don't assume that this makes you a failure. It will make things so much harder for you if you do. In this day an age of long life, success is making the very best of your life and not pputting up with stuff.

200 years ago, 'death do us part' meant until the woman most likely dies in child birth. 100 years ago women stayed in marriages because they had no power or wealth of ttheir own.

And please don't assume you'll have anything else but utter support from your family. They may not understand entirely what's happening but they do love you.

Hardgoing · 15/02/2012 11:01

I don't think there's any reason to think he's got someone else. I have known several relationships like this, and to be honest, his lack of interest in sex was visible before you married, I guess you just hoped it would jog along rather than disappear completely. I would ring your mum/close friend and get some support.

Getting divorced isn't nice but it isn't a taboo any more. You may feel like its failed, but in all honesty I can't see how it can succeed when he doesn't want to be with you and it is eating away at your self-esteem. I think your family will want you to be happy, so what if no-one else is divorced in your wider family, I bet there's some unhappy people sitting there.

fiventhree · 15/02/2012 11:02

I think the OW thing is possibly a red herring here, though not out of the question.

My own h has been obsessive for years, and is now tackling that finally really well, so I do have experience of living with someone like this.

If he is like this now, at the start of your marriage, I do think you are in trouble. My h, for example, was obsessed with work, sport, computer games, the computer generally, music, staying awake very late, and finally sex with ow via the net (in middle age). They are often obsessive about you at the start, which is confusing later on, but they just move on to another obsession once you settle down.

The problem with this sort of man is a basic underlying low self esteem , which may by the way be very well hidden by surface charm or sociability.They use their obsessions precisely in order to detach from their emotions, I think. If you hit a really difficult patch down the road, and we all do in our relationships, watch out, because they then tend to withdraw completely, and blame you. They are not at all keen on any kind of counselling, at least my h was't, suspicious of it, in fact.

Nobody can predict the future. But surely if things are this bad so early on, you are not going to have the life you deserve or need. I cant see it, anyway.

If the problem is already clear to you, and he is making it clear that he will not do anything about it, or TAKE YOUR NEEDS OR FEELINGS INTO ACCOUNT, then how is it going to get better, just because you ask for it to?

I dont see how anyone can live without intimacy. You are in a dilemma- you cant do without it in your life- who can, and he cant offer it. And because you are married, you cant fill the gap elsewhere.

Kayano · 15/02/2012 11:06

madabouthotchoc you are pushing pushing pushing for this to be an affair situation when op has said he is asexual and has always had issues with sex....

It doesn't imply or indicate anything like that from what's been posted alone

Op this is terribly sad and although it's happening to you it is not your fault or issue. I think you are rift this man put in the effort and then when you got engaged, married and had kids he seems to have just stopped trying Sad

His refusal to get help is really horrible of him and you shouldn't have to live like that. Does he take your feelings ino consideration at all or is it just 'this is what I want, therefore this is what will happen?' he seems really selfish Sad

lavender11 · 15/02/2012 11:09

Theglassiscompletelyempty nothing to add as my relationship is not the best at the moment but just to say i am thinking of you and your son

Flimflammery · 15/02/2012 11:12

If you've rarely had sex since you got married then it suggests he either has major issues with intimacy, or he's gay and either in denial or married you to convince the world that he's straight.

But you can't fix him, and you can only work on the relationship if he's willing to. Otherwise, you just have to look after yourself and your DS. It doesn't sound like it had much to do with you. Please don't think of yourself as a failure. He sounds very messed up.

MadAboutHotChoc · 15/02/2012 11:14

Kayano - I disagree that I am pushing, but an affair does need to be ruled out. In fact I have been much gentler than I usually am because this situation is not typical and I have asked if he has always been asexual or if this was since marriage.

Since the husband won't communicate and has checked out of the marriage, all the Op can do is to protect herself and the DC and try and move on Sad

Theglassiscompletelyempty · 15/02/2012 11:35

He has real issues with intimacy. He's a really nice man, has always provided for us and works really hard to run his company, which he started from scratch. I admire him and his determination greatly. I just wish things could have been different, it's so sad.

I've asked him if he is gay and if he's seeing someone else. I almost wish these thigs were true - I don't know why. It would show an ability to be passionate, even if it's not with me.

I look at pictures of our wedding. We were so happy. I am heartbroken.

I have so much work o do before school starts again next week, but I just can't get my head around it. My world is falling apart.

I've been manically cleaning all morning. The house is my house, in my name. We do have a joint account with HSBC (was originally my account). He didn't even bother to pick up his card for it and doesn't have the security key to access out bank account online. It will be financially ver difficult bu not impossible. I will have to cancel the holiday I've been saving for.

I'm going to buy a new duvet set after ds has had his midday nap.

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