get divorced or stay together for sake of kids?

[violetkray]

Will spare you the grindinlgy dull details but it is now crystal clear that DH and I loathe one another to the point of nausea and have a shell of a marriage but ..... two fantastic sons whom we both adore and would dol anything for. DH is a excellent husband, and I cannot offer one iota of criticism on that score and sons adore him. I strongly believe that boys need a father figure around, preferably their own.
But we cannot be civil to one another and can barely look at each other. Have tried to talk, be more understaning etc bloody etc but really hate him. And although we try not to fight in front of kids, it's getting ridiculous.
I reckon I could hang on in there for sake of kids but would they cotton on sooner or later? Is it damaging to get out and be impoverished single mother now (kids only 2.6 and 3months - no idea how that one was conceived) or hang in there and try and tolerate tedious husband and sham of marriage so kids can have stability?

Anyone got any advice?

I meant DH is excellent FATHER not husbanc

dinosaur, I know what you say is true, but how does one become absolutely sure? ..... I know your'e right. Just how does onw debise an acide test for knowing there is absolutely no hope?

Violetkray - I felt this way after ds was born. I hated DH and blamed him for everything that was unhappy and bad in my life. Turns out I have PND.

What is it you really hate about him? I mean, HATE is a string word! Do you mean you just don't love him anymore or find him attractive or are we talking actual hatred?

I think you should never stay together for the children. My Mum has stayed with my Dad even though they have made their 4 children miserable with their open disgust with each other (no matter how much they thought they were hiding it!! )

They are still together, but bad mouth each other constantly behind their backs! It is horrible.

So if it really is as bad as you say and is definitley irepairable you should part company for a while at least.
Good luck.

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It would always be best if you could work your problems out, but that's easy for me to say.

I think happy people make the best parents, and unhappiness is definitely bad for parenting. You're not happy, though, are you? If you & your DH are truly dedicated to your children you can find a way to keep their lives stable without you two having to live together. You both have to be absolutely committed to being civil in front of them, and cooperating about their future care. It's absolutely horrible for children to be dragged into their parents' disputes.

such a lot of wise advice .... but DH is Australian and would defintitely return back home if we split.
DO I have PND?.. had a bloody awful emergency C section , again, and am sleep deprived.

Has trial separation ever worked out for anyone?

Would be very interested to hear how Relate worked out - best of luck.

Agree with Zebra. no time now but may come back to this. I wouldn't say staying together for the sake of the kids works usually and I do believe that happy parents are better parents. Relate sounds like a good idea.

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If he would go back to Oz if you split, it might be worth giving it a go through Relate. Presumably there was something you liked about each other for you to have been together in the first place? I know its unfashionable to say so, but 'arranged' marriages did quite often use to work, if you can work out how to respect each other and get along. Counselling sounds a very good idea if only to help you make the decision with someone outside the situation.
Really hope it all works out in the way that is best for you all.

dinosaur particularly and zebra and uknowme- you are doing me a lot of good this morning.
I long for some space apart, he works from home so we are constantly in each other's faces. But having such little kids and no money and family out of town doesn't make it easy,

I am going to make an appointment with Relate, there are anger issues to be worikd out, and I guess I'lltry and get away for even a couple of days.

Thanks so much everyone.

Violet, I think from reading your earlier post where you said 'how can one be totally sure' that you may feel more for you DH than you realise. I'm lucky enough to be very very happy with my DH but I'm sure I would know 100% if it was time to split up.
Relate is definatley good idea and from what M2T said about feeling the same and it being PND maybe a chat with your GP might help........I can sympathize with you on the sleep thing as we have an 8 week old DS3 so I know it's horrendously hard to manage with such little sleep.
I hope things get better soon for you.

Never stay for the sake of the children it only makes you unhappy.I wasted years of my life with a piece of shite for my childrens stability and it just didnt work out.

The relate advice is really good and I would seek some kind of counselling before you make any drastic life changing decisions.

Maybe you feel like you are stuck in a "rut" and need a change. I think we all feel like this from time to time and we take it out on the person closest to us - ie our partner.

Explore every avenue possible to make your marriage work and if at the end of it all you still feel the same way I would then leave.
HTH
hugs and hope it all goes well

I just wanted to add that my parents are exactly as you describe yourself and your husband and during blazing rows with me they each have seperately told me that they only stayed with each other because of me and my brother.

I think you should split. It's horrible growing up in this sort of environment and all kids get to an age where they can see the blindingly obvious. I've know from about 13 that my parents really dislike each other and it caused a lot of problems, if I got into trouble they blamed each other. Every little thing was almost the final straw and my childhood memories are especially happy because of this, I remember the bad before the good. Can I just add that it was never abuse they just obviously didn't like each other.

It's horrible to grow up thinking that you are responsible for your parents misery. Which in a way you are because if you weren't there they wouldn't have stayed together and would both be with people they could (at least) manage a civil word with!

I'm rattling on but have loads to say about this. My parents have been together 26 years now, myself and brother have both left home and whats left? what have they achieved? two people living the rest of their life in relative misery because they stayed together for their kids. They mentioned divorce last year and I couldn't help shed a tear in front of them whilst saying "ok, that's fine" (was hungover). I personally think it's harder on the children the older they get because they are old enough to realise the pain and consequences.

It helped make up my mind to leave my xp rather than let it drag on. Sorry if I've repeated anybody, I haven't read all the posts. I can only say PLEASE DON'T STAY FOR THE KIDS SAKE.

Agree with everything: don't stay for the kids, but do run through all the other options first!

I just wanted to share my experiences really - dp also works from home and I can really see where you're coming from. Currently I also work part time from home, but I don't think I could handle being a SAHM while he was working like that. It's not just the proximity (like I say, it seems to be fine when we are both working), it's a control/ hierarchy thing I guess. It used to drive me mad that he was allowed to chuck strops and throw things around the office with dd in the next room, when I had to keep it together at all times. Plus his work always took precedence (OK, so it pays the rent, but it did wind me up).

I hope at least some of that makes some sense anyway - suffice to say that I think the vast majority of marriages would hit problems in your situation. Obviously you can't diagnose such things like this, but I also definately think that depression is a possibility.

So, apart from Relate, my suggestions would be:

-Can you get some regular time out of the house? You need more than a couple of days to yourself - I think you need a regular (once/twice a week) time when you get to do something different, with or without the kids. M&T group? even a part-time job that only just pays for the childcare might do you good.

-Actually that's it - other suggestions would come through the Relate counselling. Also might be worth asking your health visitor about the possibility of pnd.

PS this might sound twee, but I could be a good thing that you "really hate him". It's when there's no emotion left that you really need to worry.

I don't think you should split...yet. As it happens I wish my parents had split up years and years before they did as they grew more and more apart with time, my dad's a very odd bloke anyway, and they now have zero in common and it is utterly amazing that they were ever married.

However, you do have very young children, you could well have PND and you don't want to split unless you feel sure you have explored every avenue.
Even if you don't stay together, I believe Relate could well help you manage any split in a much more civilised, amicable way than you would on your own.
I also agree it would definitely be a good idea to see your GP about possible PND. You sound like a good candidate, iykwim.
Why do you think he would go back to Australia and never see his children again if you split? You say he is an excellent father who adores his children. Frankly, walking away from them just because you don't want to live with him does not sound like the way an excellent father would behave. If you did split, you could agree to live near each other and share the care of the boys between you in a way that would allow them to have excellent but separate relationships with you both.
Good luck.

lucy123, that's interesting about hating being better than indifference. I'd be grateful to hear from anyone who could expand on that, because the rows I have with DH now are really full of hate and I feel like beating the daylights out of him, it's so strong. (Sorry to shock those of you who love you DH's.)
I feel for you violet. I think my strong emotions come from strong disappointment, as I waited and waited to find someone I loved enough to have children with and feel let down.
Aloha, I liked your post particularly. And your Salt. Do you think, Salt, that it would have been better if your parents had split when you were very small, or would you then have missed the closeness of living with your father? It seems to me that there is no way to win in this situation. I have heard equal numbers of people say that their parents divorce ruined their lives as those who say it was hell because they stayed together. I suspect that once a marriage fails, things are buggered whichever path you choose, unless you can live apart amicably, as Aloha suggests. I think you need a reasonable partner in order to manage this, but if they were rreasonable, you wouldn't be having problems, ARGHHHHHH............ ignore me.

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lucy 123
You are so right about the working from home thing. It is not the ecomonic solution he claims it is. And you are right about the strong emotion thing. Last night when we were in the thick of a nasty row I didn'y
t know wether I wanted to knock his block off or drag him to the ground and make love.

I will definitley be exploring counselling but can I take my breastfed on demand 10 week old in to the session?

Thanks again for all the wise advice.

To be honest, VK, if the counsellor wasn't ok about you bringing the baby in, I'd probably have trouble respecting her/him and what they had to say, anyway.

zebra, and everyone who suggested Relate - they will see us wiht a breastfed baby in tow. I have taken th first step to get an appointment, I'm pretty certain DH will be agreeable so ....... let's wait and see.

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