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Original poster

No more children?

39 replies

Willow89 · 13/02/2012 23:31

Just had a discussion with dp about how he never wants anymore children we only have the one Ds at the moment. We are both generally happy and loves our Ds to pieces. This isn't the first time we have had this conversation he is now adamant that he will never ever have another child! He says Ds is enough for him and can't imagine loving another child the same. My heart is broken here as I love our little family but in my heart I know I want another child, we both ended up in tears at the end of the conversation. Obviously there is no compromise to this dilemma:( what do I do? Is it to hasty to end the relationship and split our family for my own selfishness:( do I just learn to live with this? God I'm so lost thought our future was mapped out.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 13/02/2012 23:49

Does he have siblings himself?

It isnt all about what is enough just for him.. you have an equal say in it.. but there must be a reason behind why he feels one child is sufficient.

How old is your son?

Original poster

Willow89 · 13/02/2012 23:51

He is an only child as an I, Ds is 16 months and is hard work but I do know he is just learning his own mind. I just can't understand why before we had Ds he said he would like a couple of kids!

OP posts:

Hattie11 · 13/02/2012 23:54

I couldn't contemplate another child until dd1 was 3 years old.

The toddler and baby stage is hard. he may feel differently when your son is more independant and easier to reason with.

callmemrs · 13/02/2012 23:54

How will splitting up the family help? I can't see how that will make your son happy.
You Say your relationship is generally good, so it doesn't seem logical to consider splitting over this.
No one should be forced to have a child. It sounds like your dh has felt this way for a while and is pretty adamant. Some people want large families and some don't. There's no right or wrong. I know that's not what you want to hear but tbh I think you need to respect his views. If he changes his mind then great but you shouldn't try to force him

squeakytoy · 14/02/2012 00:01

I would say, if your child is only 16 months, that there is a lot more time yet for both of you to change your minds.. but I think you might need to put a sort of time limit on it.. ie agree that for maybe 3 years you will not put any pressure on him.

I would say though that as you are both only children, your son will have a very small family to grow up with, as there will be no cousins either, and it could potentially be quite a lonely little life for him. I am an only child with parents who only had one sibling between them, who lived in another country anyway, so I grew up with no brothers or sisters, (not my parents choice but sadly how it turned out as I was an adopted child and they left it too late to adopt a second time), so your argument for having another child may get more success if you plead it from your sons point of view.

Pornyissue · 14/02/2012 01:26

My dh said the same. Scared he wouldn't love any other children as much etc

Now we have two children

Things can change, don't split up.

BayPolar · 14/02/2012 06:47

In this day and age, surely one child is enough.

maisie215 · 14/02/2012 06:58

Sorry Baypolar, I don't understand your post? Why is one child enough "in this day and age". Why is it different nowadays to any prior time? Your post makes it sound like it is obvious but I don't see it. Just wondering

maisie215 · 14/02/2012 06:59

Ignore that first question mark! Whoops

BayPolar · 14/02/2012 07:13

I tend to look at the bigger picture, the drain on resources, the fact that life is going to get tougher for you folks in the UK, not easier.
If you are going to have another kid, please don't use disposable nappies.
That's all I ask.

misty0 · 14/02/2012 07:20

I am an only child, and so is my mum, and so was my dad.

Tiny family! No bro's or sisters, no (true) cousins or aunts or uncles.

Fine while i was growing up, but now i'd love to have siblings. I envy my OHs big family.

I have 3 DDs and would happily have more.

I felt the same worries as your DH, OP, when my eldest was a baby, about having 'enough love' for more children. I had a friend at the time who was the youngest of 6 and she asked her mum for me what her thoughts were on having enough love. Her mum said that your heart will always have room for more love and that it grows and thrives on loving. There is no limit to being able to love.

Soppy - but it worked for me and when i watch my daughters laughing together i am SO glad i listened to her and went on to have more.

Reasure your DH that he will love another child just as much. The concerns he has are not unusual - but they are unfounded. There is still plenty of time to wait a while also. Maybe show him this thread?

Best of luck OP.

BayPolar · 14/02/2012 07:20

What are the reasons your dp doesn't want another kid?
Financial?
The lack of free time?
Worry regarding the future and what kind of future lies ahead for today's kids?
Are his reasons 'bigger picture' reasons or personal - the work and time involved in raising kids.
Or does it stem back to the fact he's an OC?

If he gives you some reasons, real reasons, then you might be able to understand more where he's coming from.
The pressure to support a family unit must be huge.

Almostfifty · 14/02/2012 13:14

If it's because he can't see himself loving another child the same, then that's easy.

He will.

They're all different and all lovely.

mojitomania · 14/02/2012 13:45

I'd go with the give it time posters OP. Relax and enjoy your little one and don't let this come between you at the moment. Plenty of time for a re-assessment on the situation.

curiousgeorgie · 14/02/2012 13:52

BayPolar aren't you a ray of sunshine??

It must be upsetting but don't let it get you down OP. Decisions change all the time. My DH was always saying that he wanted loads of kids, like 6 or 7, and when I said I would relent at 1, but that is it (and even that took convincing!!) he said he would change my mind about the rest..

Now we have one DD and he absolutely adores her and for ages said no more. Now she's 16 months and I'm pregnant and we're both over the moon.

Things change! :)

HomemadeCakes · 14/02/2012 13:58

I was where you are, about 8 months ago.

When DH and I got married we agreed that we only wanted one DC. I had a difficult PG and childbirth with DD but as soon as she arrived, I knew that I'd found my niche in life, to be a Mum. I'd been searching for something for years and finally I found it.

DH is a great Dad and loves DD very much, we are his world. BUT he hadn't changed his mind about having another DC, even though I voiced very strongly that I don't think I could have just one DC now, knowing how much I love being a Mum.

Slowly, over time and with a lot of very slight comments and nurturing, DH changed his mind. When I felt he had made the right noises and comments for long enough, I broached the subject again. He told me that although it wasn't necessarily his choice, he could see that financially we could have another child and that if we were going to do it he wanted to do it sooner rather than later. I know that it doesn't sound very romantic, but believe me, I know DH well enough to know that he would have been trying to make it look like I'd 'won' when secretly he would never agree to it if he didn't really want it himself.

So it is possible that in time your DH will change his mind. DD is 30 months now and we were due to start trying for DC2 in January, however, in a bizarre twist of fate, I've actually had cold-feet myself now. For various reasons and I no longer think that it's right for me/us. But in your case, please don't give up yet. Good luck.

CMOTDibbler · 14/02/2012 13:59

Squeaky, why would it be a 'lonely little life' ? As it happens, my ds has aunts, uncles and 6 cousins. But actually, they don't really figure in his life - who does is his friends, our friends and all the other people who choose to be in our lives.

Having another child because you think your child might be lonely is not a good reason. Having one because both parents want another child for its own merits is.

OP, give both of you time. Theres no rush to make hasty decisions here

mojitomania · 14/02/2012 14:54

I'm with squeaky on this one. I have an only child and would have loved to have had a brother or sister for him

Whorulestheroost · 14/02/2012 15:47

Very helpful baypolar tis very hard for us folk here in the uk Op that must be a really difficult dilemma but it is, like others have said, early days and your ds is still very young. The is no point in breaking up your family but I could imagine in the future that it may cause a rift. Give it time he may change his mind

simbo · 14/02/2012 16:07

I wasn't sure I wanted any children at all for years but when I had dd I realised that I didn't want her to be an only child. She was much loved but I felt that a single child bears a heavy burden in carrying all the hopes for the next generation. All children bring their share of love with them, and when our ds was born I felt that our family was complete. I f you stick at one child feeling as you do, you will never be fulfilled. As other posters have said your dh hasn't given you reason enough to leave it there.

SnapSnafu · 14/02/2012 16:09

Does he not realise we are all the same about loving dc1 so much, we can't envisage loving another as much? Or does he think other people put up with loving their children less than he loves his?

This is a normal feeling, and one of the amazing things about having more kids is that you end up with more love in your heart (oh god, I'm sounding really really mushy here and I'm not like that at all).

Yes, I think it's hasty to leave the relationship over this.
I think you should lay off discussing for a bit, but keep coming back to discuss more. People change. Circumstances change.

Helltotheno · 14/02/2012 16:11

Yeah I agree. The amount of relatives a child will have or not have is a non-issue in a debate on whether to have more in my opinion. Apart from some family, the closest people to me are my friends, despite having lots of cousins! A person can surround him/herself with lots of important people!

OP definitely wait a while. Also, if you retreat a bit on the issue, he may come around eventually. You can't really make him.

anastaisia · 14/02/2012 16:26

Sounds like the difficult thing for you is that you were previously in agreement about having more than one child. I think I'd feel a bit shocked if that suddenly changed in either direction, it must be hard for people when they'd agreed on one and their partner suddenly wants more children too. Obviously people have every right to change their minds but that doesn't mean you don't have to deal with how you feel about them doing so.

But if you're able to leave the fact that you do still want more children with him to think about for a while and see how it goes, maybe he'll feel more ready in time? Or wait till he mentions specific concerns and deal with it then.

tildaandarchiesmummy · 14/02/2012 16:30

It sounds as if you really want another child, is there know way you could convince your husband. I have two at the moment and one of the way. The oldest 2 are almost 4 & 2 and play so well together. Your son would learn so many lessons from having a sibling, how to share etc. Having a second also changes your family from a couple with a child to a family. Your son will always have someone his own age to discuss and play with. When my parents passed away it really helped to have my sisters to talk to about it, i don't think i would of coped if i had to deal with it on my own. If you really want another baby and your feel that would be the best thing for your son then go for it, then go for it.

bean612 · 14/02/2012 16:59

I feel for you OP - I am in a similar situation, though in my case DH has been saying the same thing for a year or two now (DD is 3 and a bit). Am feeling especially blue about it today - don't know why, think it's the shitty weather (I hate winter and this one seems to be draaaaagging on), a bad night last night with DD as she's ill, and not feeling at all romantic even though we're supposed to be having a nice Valentine's Day dinner tonight. I'm aware of being angry and resentful about the baby issue today, and really just want to shout 'Why won't you give me another baby?' instead of making the delicious pudding I promised him.

Also realised that I have started feeling broody for a baby, pretty much for the first time ever (I know that sounds odd, but I've always wanted children, rather than a baby especially - and DD as a newborn had lots of issues so I don't - or rather didn't - hanker after the little baby stage as such). Mine and DH's families are small - DH's entire family consists of his mum, his stepdad (who is in his 90s) and his stepbrother, who he can't stand. Mine is my mum and dad and brother, who seems very unlikely ever to have kids, then a few cousins and aunts and uncles, but none of them close. So it looks like DD will be the only one in the next generation. She is so sweet with babies, and so sociable and happy with other children. We have good friends with 3 little girls around her age and I swear she'd up and join their family if she could. I love the idea of a big family (though just one more would do me, I'm not greedy). Anyway, sorry for rambling. Just to say that I know how you feel and it's heartbreaking.

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