man behaving badly..red flag?

[quilla2]

hello.. my DP and me have been together six years, although we dont live together yet, (i live with my DS) ..we have been actively looking to move in together for some time.
the majority of the time, he is a broad minded, deep thinking intelligent man, who is able to analyse things from all angles, (including himself!) and behaves quite bravely. we laugh alot, and communicate well..we have alot in common, and i adore him.
but every so often he has these explosions of anger and irritability that i find a bit frightening and completely over the top, and very out of character.
i dont loose my rag very easily. i try and talk calmly and keep control. if it continues, i walk away until it gets calmer. his behaviour might not be violent, but it makes me feel quite ill.
i have tried to talk to him about how this makes me feel, but invariably i get the blame for his rage...it was either my fault he was so cross, or he denies it happened at all.. its me.. im over sensitive.. over dramatic.. he never behaved like that at all! last night he was irratible and i questioned him about it. i said i wanted him to aknowledge i have a problem with the way he speaks to me.. he wouldnt even let me talk. shot me down..its me being ridiculous again.. then stormed off to bed.. left the house this morning before i got up..
we've not spoken yet, but i feel horrible today.

please dont move in with him until this problem is addressed to YOUR satisfaction... why would you expose your ds to this? it makes you feel ill and speaks of his having little ability to control his behaviour even though he knows it upsets you so... why would he behave differently if you move in?? Blaming you for his behaviour is not a good sign (imo)

Yes, it's a red flag.

but invariably i get the blame for his rage...
or he denies it happened at all
.. its me.. im over sensitive.. over dramatic..
he wouldnt even let me talk. shot me down..

Classic lines. Run away. These beliefs and behaviours of his won't change.

"he wouldnt even let me talk. shot me down..its me being ridiculous again.. then stormed off to bed.. left the house this morning before i got up..
we've not spoken yet, but i feel horrible today."

Yes, he didn't like his dreadful behaviour being challenged did he?

thanks for your responses..oh god i am so sad!.. he's just txt to say he went upstairs to let us both calm down as he felt it was getting out of hand.. says we'll talk about it when cooled off... well i was calm!

for you too, quilla.

If you feel up to it, you might find the links at the start of this thread useful.

thanks, i will have a look..
he usually faces personal challenges bravely, even knows and admits to being in the wrong.. its just the anger this he wont face. at all.

and im not really buying his excuse for it either.. im already part of the blame.

You should never feel afraid of your partner. Anger is fine, but flying into a rage is not. The fact that he tries to minimise it and blame you shows that he knows it's not right but he doesn't want to face up to it. I know it must be so disappointing for you but unless he completely owns up to his anger and makes a firm commitment to dealing with it you really must and I mean must end this relationship. The potential for his anger to escalate towards violence is absolutely huge. He is already blaming you for the fact that he gets out of control which is a sure sign that he is paving the way towards punishing you, and then blaming you for "making" him punish you, in the future.

Please don't expose your DS to this man. How would you feel if it was your DS standing there, feeling sick, being shouted at?

If he is like this and you are leaving apart, if you move in together it is only likely to get worse.

My ex had a shocking temper and flew into rages which scared and shocked me. I too was put down for daring to question this. I loved my ex verymuch and tried so hard to make it work. We went to relate, talked, but in the end self presevation kicked in and i ended it, with invaluable support. and advice from some wonderful people On here. 6 months on & i dont regret it. It was hard living with a person who had rages, impossible actually. Please dont make that.mistake.