Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive relationship, separating. Can he do this??

30 replies

separated · 11/02/2012 23:35

I have posted a few threads over the last few weeks.
Essentially, he told me that it was over, at Xmas.
It took a while to accept despite his abuse as I still wasn't ready to admit that I am better off without him.
He is very controlling but he has lost a significant amount of his power over me since my friends have begun to reprogramme me and I have seen him for what he really is!!
Anyway, the house has to be sold as neither of us can afford to finance it without the other one's salary. So he contacted some estate agents. And he chose the one he wanted. And he arranged for pictures to be taken on one of his sickies from work last week. And he signed the estate agent's documents. And they are phoning him to arrange viewings. The common theme? It's all under his control. I assumed (wrongly??) that they would need both of our signatures and that communication would be to both/either of us (we are both currently in the property but they are only contacting him on his mobile).

So, am I wrong?
Can all of this be done through just him?
Should I be making a bit of a fuss or concentrating on the bigger picture.
I am feeling pretty angry right now but I'm unsure if it's justified.

What cheeses me off is that I had no idea that the pictures were due to be taken and, although the house looks reasonable, the photos aren't great. And you only get one chance at a first impression. Also, he's controlled everything for far too long and I've finally seen red.

Any advice most gratefully received please. Not trying to do this by stealth so apologies if I haven't given enough details.
I do want to sell and be away from him but I feel undermined.

OP posts:
olgaga · 11/02/2012 23:45

I can certainly understand your anger, but to be honest who cares how it is sold as long as it's sold, asap.

I think as you said yourself, concentrate on the bigger picture and try to rise above it. Is the house/mortgage in both your names? If so, a call to the estate agent might be a good idea, just to make sure they put you in the picture about viewings etc. and to make sure they know it can't be sold without your agreement.

What's your status, are you married? I take it you have a solicitor acting for you - but if not you should arrange that, and quickly!

Kayano · 11/02/2012 23:45

I put mine and DH house on the market without him signing anything...

Don't know about the rest sorry

kodachrome · 11/02/2012 23:46

Are you married? Is your name on the deeds?

Get some proper legal advice quick-smart and make sure you have a charge on the house.

If that's all in place and if it sells, you will get your share, then I don't think it's necessarily a battle worth fighting, although I can quite understand why his bulldozing is extremely annoying and upsetting.

MiladyGardenia · 11/02/2012 23:48

I am reaching in the distant recesses of my mind here but I think the estate agent only required my signature when xh and I separated. Mind you, that was 12 years ago.

At the very least I think you need to contact the estate agents and apprise them of the situation- I'd imagine it's one they've come across before.

Hopefully someone will be along shortly who knows more than me and can give better advice!

Original poster
separated · 11/02/2012 23:48

Yes we are married. Married for 15 years and together for 20.
I cannot afford to pay a solicitor but I did get some free legal advice from one. Yes, the house and mortgage are in both our names.
He's game playing at the moment. It was my birthday yesterday and he gave me a card that said he wished, after 20 years together, to be friends even if it's just for the sake of the children and signed it with lots of love and a kiss. But his behaviour tells another story entirely. We won't be friends after what he has put me through over the years.

OP posts:
SalmeMurrikAgain · 11/02/2012 23:49

If you are jointly named on the deeds then any sale cannot go through without your permission - ensure estate agent is aware and get your own legal advice, as per posters above.

ThePinkPussycat · 12/02/2012 00:12

What ages are the DC? The ancillary relief (financial setttlement) process is designed to be as fair as possible in the circumstances. Can you get Legal Aid?

Bogeyface · 12/02/2012 00:15

My concern would be that he accepts an offer through the agents without discussing it with you. You could obviously veto it at a later stage but it would make life very difficult in terms of selling, your rep with agents etc.

Is he likely to accept a stupidly low offer on your behalf just to be an asshole?

Original poster
separated · 12/02/2012 00:23

My children are 13 and 15 and the 13 year old wants to live with me but do alternate weekends with him and some evenings. My son, 15, wanted to be with me due to husband's aggression towards him (as well as me). Not sure now though as son displayed some physically aggressive behaviour towards me again tonight and I reiterated to him that if he is physical with me that I won't be able to have him. I need to trust that we'll be able to sort things out/I will be able to ask him to go to be without my son resorting to being physical. I'm only 5 feet tall and I won't have that sort of relationship with my son.
I earn too much for legal aid.
I don't think that he'll accept a stupid offer as we have debts to pay off, but he is keen to be away from me so he wants a fast sale.
Truthfully, I don't trust him. He lies and he is manipulative and incredibly believable.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 12/02/2012 00:29

he is keen to be away from me so he wants a fast sale

That explains everything.

He wont play games with offers just to be a pita, however he may accept a low offer without discussing it as he wants shot asap. BUT he knows he cant do that without your agreement, so he has tried to fool you into thinking that he is in charge by engaging the agents, arranging the photos etc, in the hope that you will go along with whatever he wants. He knows that actually, you have the control here.

You can say no, you want to sell for more and he will just have to suck it up. You both know this, but he is hoping that you will cave under his railroading, so dont. You dont have to get angry, just stick to your guns.

Original poster
separated · 12/02/2012 00:31

Yes that's a good point. Thank you. So it's probably better to say nothing then as, ultimately, my opinion does count.

OP posts:
workshy · 12/02/2012 00:32

what split on the value of the equity have you agreed with him?
who is paying the legal costs/estate agent fees?
you will need your own legal representative to act on your behalf for the house sale, even if not for the division of assets

have you been to a family law solicitor that offers 1/2 hour free legal advice?
I found it invaluable when I was going through my split

Bogeyface · 12/02/2012 00:36

Well you wont win an argument with him over this, with men like this you never do. And one agent is pretty much the same as another (in general, before I get flamed by estate agents!) so I would let him win this battle while you plan to win the war.

You sound well shot of him :)

Original poster
separated · 12/02/2012 00:44

There won't be any equity once we have paid off our debts.
We will pay costs jointly then pay off the debts with the money from the sale.
Really? We need separate conveyancing solicitors?
Yes, i got the 30 mins free advice but it only scratched the surface really as new problems seem to emerge all the time.

OP posts:
ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 12/02/2012 00:47

My house was on the market about 3 years ago and the agents refused to accept it for sale until they had both signatures. I'd ring them and explain the situation, that you both have to agree on the acceptance of an offer.

workshy · 12/02/2012 00:49

I was advised by family lawer yo use seperate conveyancing solicitor (different firm, not benefit to her) to look after my interests

potentially the money can be issued to 'mr seperated' on the assumption that he will allocate it as agreed (debt repayment) but can you trust him to do that? are any of the debts solely in your name because if there are then you realy need to protect yourself

Bogeyface · 12/02/2012 00:49

Are you sure that he will pay off the debts with his half of the equity? Unless you have an agreement in writing then he can take his half and naff off.

You really do need to see a family law solicitor first, and they will tell you if you need to have a seperate conveyancer. Yes it will cost you now, but could save you thousands in the long run.

Bogeyface · 12/02/2012 00:50

X-post with Workshy

Original poster
separated · 12/02/2012 00:54

I hadn't thought about the potential risks . The solicitor I saw just advised that we find a conveyancing solicitor who will agree to pay off debts with equity. Okay, I'll look into this. Thank you.

OP posts:
workshy · 12/02/2012 00:56

just read that back -my typing is awful!

que to go to bed I think but my point still stands and agree with bogeyface (great name by the way) it's worth spending the money now to save you a fortune in the future

and if you want to play him at his own game, you can always refuse to sell -family home, DCs staying with you -if he wants a quick sale.......

Bogeyface · 12/02/2012 00:58

The advice you have may well be right, but you really should check just to be on the safe side, especially as he is playing silly buggers this early on.

Good luck

TheMouseRanUpTheClock · 12/02/2012 00:59

When you went to a solicitor for the conveyancing when you bought the house, were you asked to sign anything he wasn't? I paid the deposit on the house and legal fees with my savings, ex set up the solicitor, I went with the money and was asked to sign a document, I was never sure what it was, I think it was to sign away my rights to the house, I refused and I am glad, as we were not married then and I was pregnant. Do check with a solicitor properly, as like you I was in an abusive marriage. It makes me so sad to remember how when we were married and had separate bank accounts, and I was buying food and baby stuff out of maternity pay, and I had to ask for money as I ran out, thinking back it was disgusting that he and I allowed me to get in that position, hey ho, he has managed to get his second wife in the same position now, I wonder if she has been put in the same position as a sahm or if she is smarter and organised thing financially first, goes to show if you give your power away, it will be taken.

I often wonder if women who have a relationship with a formally abusive man, who have good boundaries, if the new woman will be abused?

Original poster
separated · 12/02/2012 01:08

I wonder that too. I spent far too much time at the beginning of our relationship apologising for things that I needn't. And he wasn't even asking me to apologise. So maybe some are opportunistic?

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 12/02/2012 01:14

TheMouse i was asked to sign that and I did Blush but I was informed that it was because we werent married. i signed because it was HIM buying the house and putting everything into it (it wasnt an abusive marriage at all btw) and I knew that morally i didnt have a claim on the house. I was subsequently told that when we married, it changed everything because it was the marital home. Its never been tested as we are very amicable, but I hope it is true!

TheMouseRanUpTheClock · 12/02/2012 01:56

The thing I thought about years later and after the event, is they must have discussed it with the solicitor previously, and on the discussion we were not privy to they made a decision, and in my case it was very underhand the way it was presented to me, and i was paying the sodding legal fees as well, and it was up to them if they wanted the solicitor to ask you or not, yet we were asked.

Swipe left for the next trending thread