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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I spend all day everyday hating my OH!!!

42 replies

em222 · 11/02/2012 22:14

Ive had enough of our stupid relationship now, i can't stand him anymore! I spend most of my day pottering about the house trying to do housework whilst having a whingy baby and a 2 yr old, and thinking about how much i hate my OH! I know i hear alot of women say men dont clean and just act like they are still 18 but i just cant take it anymore. Is there a point where they get off their backsides and say 'here let me do that' or 'ile take the kids for a bit' no? Not mine anyway, i get no help when i need it and when i ask i get asked 'what would you do if i was'nt here?' i give up on him now, he gets to lounge around all day on the laptop because he only works 5pm-10pm on a weekday, i dread weekends we never go anywhere or do anything, i suggested we go the park today and no he does'nt want to the footballs on, but theres an excuse everytime. I am started to get frustrated with him texting a girl from work, he texts a few but one in particular is special enough to have her txts deleted!!!! I check his mobile bill which he is totally unaware of so i know! So what the hell is going on there :( i just want to cry and scream and punch him! I'v a good mind to find her bf on facebook and tell him! But that will only end up me getting shot i suppose. Today i asked him to change a nappy or wash up, he said ile take the nappy, surprisingly! But then he ends up actually being sick on a pile of clothes our 5 month old had done a poo! Im sick of telling him to get the fuck over himself heaving at snot poo and baby sick hes ridiculous and just speaks to me like a pile of shit all the time yet if i use the same tone of voice back he gets angry with me! I dont understand why he cant just share the responsibilities of looking after our children instead of sitting there not helping because he knows i will do it eventually. I cant even leave the baby home with him to go out anywhere, the first and last time i did i came home to find him in the exact same spot as when i left and picked him up, poor thing was soaked! Drenched in piss because he didnt change his nappy! All he does is spend all the money at work, sit on laptop computer phone and soak in the bath for hours, i dont get to sit down all day chill out relax in the bath go out speak to other adults have friends money bloody nothing. My health visitor wants me to see a doctor for pnd and he has the flipping cheek to turn around and say 'are you sure its not just laziness and lack of motivation' thats it ive had it along with his disgusting habits hes suddenly found, hes not always been like this, what the hell could possibly change somone into this so quickly? I am ready to pick up my kids and leave! Don't know where though as i have no family to go too or friends just me and my 2 kids

OP posts:

LadyMedea · 11/02/2012 22:20

Why are you with him exactly?

jalopy · 11/02/2012 22:20

Did he have any endearing qualities when you first met?

AgnesBligg · 11/02/2012 22:24

[hope you don't mind I've paragraphed as I find hard to read otherwise]

I know i hear alot of women say men dont clean and just act like they are still 18 but i just cant take it anymore. Is there a point where they get off their backsides and say 'here let me do that' or 'ile take the kids for a bit' no? Not mine anyway, i get no help when i need it and when i ask i get asked 'what would you do if i was'nt here?'

i give up on him now, he gets to lounge around all day on the laptop because he only works 5pm-10pm on a weekday, i dread weekends we never go anywhere or do anything, i suggested we go the park today and no he does'nt want to the footballs on, but theres an excuse everytime.

I am started to get frustrated with him texting a girl from work, he texts a few but one in particular is special enough to have her txts deleted!!!! I check his mobile bill which he is totally unaware of so i know! So what the hell is going on there i just want to cry and scream and punch him!

I'v a good mind to find her bf on facebook and tell him! But that will only end up me getting shot i suppose. Today i asked him to change a nappy or wash up, he said ile take the nappy, surprisingly! But then he ends up actually being sick on a pile of clothes our 5 month old had done a poo! Im sick of telling him to get the fuck over himself heaving at snot poo and baby sick hes ridiculous and just speaks to me like a pile of shit all the time yet if i use the same tone of voice back he gets angry with me! I dont understand why he cant just share the responsibilities of looking after our children instead of sitting there not helping because he knows i will do it eventually. I cant even leave the baby home with him to go out anywhere, the first and last time i did i came home to find him in the exact same spot as when i left and picked him up, poor thing was soaked! Drenched in piss because he didnt change his nappy!

All he does is spend all the money at work, sit on laptop computer phone and soak in the bath for hours, i dont get to sit down all day chill out relax in the bath go out speak to other adults have friends money bloody nothing.

My health visitor wants me to see a doctor for pnd and he has the flipping cheek to turn around and say 'are you sure its not just laziness and lack of motivation'

thats it ive had it along with his disgusting habits hes suddenly found, hes not always been like this, what the hell could possibly change somone into this so quickly? I am ready to pick up my kids and leave! Don't know where though as i have no family to go too or friends just me and my 2 kids

AgnesBligg · 11/02/2012 22:29

It sounds hellish for you and from what you have put you would find life a whole lot more joyful without this lazy ballsack to carry.

Go to the Citizens advice, they will tell you what benefits you might be entitled to, options for housing etc. I imagine you would be high priority for the council to house you if you are unable to stay where you are.

suburbophobe · 11/02/2012 22:29

You need to find your strength and leave this toxic relationship.

I did it without family around or friends or ex's family.

You just get to a certain point...

Hope you find it sooner than later....
Wishing you all the best!

AgnesBligg · 11/02/2012 22:31

Why don't you go out, to Surestart, toddler groups etc. The mums you meet at some of these places are fab.

Tryharder · 11/02/2012 22:31

Oh darling. Speak to your HV quickly and get rid of this manchild. Your post actually made me laugh when I read about his actually vomiting when he changed a pooey nappy...

You say nothing about your financial situation. Are you on benefits or is he supporting you or do you work yourself? What kind of accommodation do you have?

Your local sure start centre /HV will be able to offer you advice about benefits and social housing if need be.

joanofarchitrave · 11/02/2012 22:31

'he's not always been like this'

that seems like the one area of possibility - if things have changed for the worse, is it maybe possible they could change for the better?

when did he change? does he know why it happened?

AnyFucker · 11/02/2012 22:31

would it be any harder on your own ?

would it be easier without this lazy, cheating twat making you feel like shit ?

yes

you know what you need to do

Original poster

em222 · 11/02/2012 22:36

Our relationship was good, but because he was in the army he was'nt always there to pee me off, now its like his main goal of the day and i don't know know where i went wrong things have just got like this in the last year, he had a job in a prison when he got out the army but then lost his job because of somthing that happened with a prisoner on an escort and since then hes just ..... I dunno, a knob

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 11/02/2012 22:38

what happened to get him the sack ?

that must have been quite serious

he sounds like a bad man, to me

lollystix · 11/02/2012 22:56

Agree with Anyfucker.

Correct me if I'm wrong but it really doesn't scound like you love this man(child) so can I ask why you with him? Your life would not be worse without him surely? And please don't think you can change him or he will get better as that's a waste of time.

Are you with him because of money/security? You could potentially be financially better off on your own and certainly emotionally better off.

Original poster

em222 · 11/02/2012 22:56

I claim child benefit and tax credits, paid monthly in a joint account but its gone before i even see it, exept last month i took it out before he got to it because kids needed new clothes, he works and pays the rent but hes just useless with money, i use to work and have money but not anymore somtimes i have had to put money away and not tell him or he will spend it, we rent this house but i dont want to leave everything i have and all my stuff for him and his little homewrecker to lounge all over my cushions god it just makes me want to strangle this girl thinking about it and i dont actually even know whats what as i dont know what they are saying. But they go to work together on the bus anyway so they can speak in person everyday of the week, thing is i wont accuse him of anything as he is always home on time from work so is only gone during work hours and home again but to me its too suspicious with him deleting her msgs, and i dont want to bring it up because it will cause arguments and i dont want that infront of the kids

OP posts:

lollystix · 11/02/2012 23:01

Ok - so what are you most upset about? That he's a useless twunt and a crap dad or that he's potentially seeing someone else at work. If the someone else bit wasn't happeneing would you still hate him? If so she's a side issue - the core fact is that you are living with a man you don't respect or like and he is not a positive role model for your kids.

I'm going to sound harsh here but you can either suck it up and stay or you can kick him out. At least if you do that the benefits go into YOUR bank account 9and he can't spend them) and you would probably get help with housing benefit plus maintenance on what he earns so you may not be worse off.

MentalMuslimMummy · 11/02/2012 23:06

he doesnt deserve you.

he is a total and utter wanker.

contact the council, tell them the situation, get your HV to help you find out about housing, and get the fcuk out of there. you and your kids deserve better and you know it. i sincerely wish you all the best. Ive got a baby and an almost 3 year old, talk about knackering and sometimes depressing.

tell the bastard to sling his hook

rosie1977 · 11/02/2012 23:11

I would open a bank account and get the child benefits and tax credits put into my bank account. Its not fair that he spends the money before you get to see it.

Save up for a little while then kick him out.

Original poster

em222 · 11/02/2012 23:15

Apparently he was IC on the escort and allowed a prisoner a ciggarett but off a member of the public because none of the officers smoked, the other two had told prisoner no, but with my OH being in charge said yes, it was up to him to log this down and he didnt, because he knew he shouldnt have allowed it, but he also got chatting to a mother with a teenage daughter at the hospital about phone apps, he told me about it before he was in trouble and i did say to him you need to watch out i found it a bit wrong that 3 prison officers or 1 even (my oh) chatting to a young girl in a+e whilst in charge of a prisoner, he said somone had made a complaint and thats when the investigation started, now it wouldnt surprise me if it was the girls mother but i dont know what happened it got settled out of court in the end

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 11/02/2012 23:20

Original poster

em222 · 11/02/2012 23:30

I think im mostly upset about the girl tbh and what hes like at home just tops it all off, i want to be with him but not how he is, if that makes sence, i dont want to leave because i dont want her taking my place (if they are seeing eachother) he will want the kids out of spite i know it and he has said because hes on their birth certificates i cant do anything he can just have them apparently as he will be the one with the house and money, hes said this in arguments to scare me but i know i can leave with them i dont belive a word of it, hed soon give them back anyway when hes knackered or the baby wont stop crying

OP posts:

Original poster

em222 · 11/02/2012 23:38

Is that a confused face or shocked face? Mine was both! Couldnt quite understand it all

OP posts:

SalmeMurrikAgain · 11/02/2012 23:44

If he is as much of a twat as he sounds, you would do well to let someone else 'take your place'. He won't get the children, he isn't their primary carer and apparently isn't very keen to look after them anyway - all that stuff about birth certificates is just bullshit. I would recommend you get some practical advice about your rights from CAB and/or Gingerbread. Good luck with your next steps.

inatrance · 12/02/2012 02:35

Sorry you have no chance of saving this, and your best chance of happiness is to get rid. ASAP!

You don't have to live like this, he is an absolute arse, has no respect for you and neglects his kids. I would feel sorry for the other girl, she hasn't got a clue what she's letting herself in for.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/02/2012 08:35

You are clearly getting nothing from this relationship now.

You are with a both selfish and entitled manchild who is acting true to form here like these types do. He is likely to be cheating on you as well with this other girl.

There is nothing to save here; he needs to be gone from your life asap.

It may seem insurmountable currently but you can and should leave here before you and your children are further dragged down with him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/02/2012 08:36

CAB, Gingerbread and Womens Aid would all be worth contacting here.

Original poster

em222 · 12/02/2012 09:46

Thankyou for all your replies, I know what i need to do, Just worried about what will happen after and how ile cope with gettin a new house together on benefits im guessing it won't be easy. I am worried that him and his mum will fight for the kids she is a nasty women probably where he gets it from, i wouldn't trust them to have them alone, she thought it was ok to put our newborn in the boot of a taxi last time she came to visit, thats one of the stupid things shes done shes just an idiot, shes never been interested in her grandchildren yet one day i get asked to sign for a passport for my eldest i dont trust them at all. I have no idea where i stand with all this, if i can refuse to let him have them on his own but id be happy to let him visit them as he wants to, just dont trust him to take them and bring them back

OP posts:

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