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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling as though I am being unreasonable!!

53 replies

Nat38 · 11/02/2012 10:23

I just need to know what all of you would do/feel in my situation!
Am in the process of splitting with husband of 20 years, decided in October to split & that he would leave after christmas. Hes still here! He said there wasnt anyone else, but I had my suspicians. Found out 2/3 days ago there is someone else!! Or rather was-she dumped him about a week & a half ago!! Been going on since last summer!!
Now, because hes gutted, so upset about it-he really loves her, would be there in a flash if she were to ring him!!-he needs time to get his head right, he cant sort anything out with the way hes feeling at the moment, hes asked to stay until Easter, which is what 2 months away??
I think hes asking an awful lot of me, I just want to get my life sorted!! For me & my 2 DDs!! Hes made me feel as though I was being unreasonable for not wanting him to stay that long! He says that because he paid the mortgage off about 4 years ago its the least I could do!!
Yes, I am grateful that we are mortgage free, but hes also been unemployed for almost 5 years, which was why he paid it off in the first place out of his inheritance from his parents. He only got Jobseekers Allowance for the first 6 months. He also has 1/2 share in another house with his sister, again part of his inheritance from his parents, so its not like he has nowhere to go!!
A I being unreasonable??
Please be honest even if I do get flamed!!

OP posts:

ChasingSquirrels · 11/02/2012 12:16

I personally am not suggesting that she moves out. But I did make the point that she can't make him move out.

The division of assets will have to be sorted, and we on here can't day what that will be.

But she can start to move on, and taking control of what happens is part of that.

RealitySickOfSick · 11/02/2012 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flagnogbagnog · 11/02/2012 12:23

Sorry if I've missed this, if he is not working and can't claim job seekers etc, are you supporting him financially?

He has had plenty of time to formulate a 'plan' and get his head straight. He decided a long time ago he wanted out of your marriage. You shouldn't have to put up with him moping about the place just because his ideal situation has gone tits up. What about your space to get your head straight? Tell him to get out, I would.

Charbon · 11/02/2012 12:23

Is the other house (which is a marital asset) vacant and nearby enough for you all to move into?

Your bottom line needs to be that you refuse to live together, so either he leaves or you do and that you will use what ever assets available within the marriage to ensure that you live separately. You need to be very firm and hard-hearted about this, but soft-hearted when it comes to your own emotional wellbeing and that of your children.

For children especially who have no choice over their living arrangements, you both need to put them first and recognise that living with parents who resent eachother and are about to divorce, is incredibly damaging and cruel.

NettleTea · 11/02/2012 12:40

Also, isnt the other house which (although he only owns half of it) likely to be considered as one of the assets of the marriage. It may well work out that you get the house with the kids, and he gets his half owned house.
Go and see a solicitor asap and get him out. You can divorce him on adultary, which gives you a quicker option. Its true you cant physically have him removed at the moment, so work towards legally being able to.
He is allowed to stay but he wants you to sanction it so he doesnt feel so bad. You dont need to do that.
I think he needs to get himself a job if he is staying with you, as effectively you will become housemates - whereas if he goes to the half owned house he can sign on in his own right as a separated man. You can get WTC and CTC, or income support if you only work PT. Make it clear that if he stays he is on his own and will be expected to support himself. That means half the bills, all his own food/council tax/laundry costs/does he run a car??? no more financial support - you have the kids to think of. Make sure you tell WTC and the like that you have separated and get whatever help you can.
He can stay, but you dont need to make it easy for him.

mummytime · 11/02/2012 12:47

Just wanted to add don't wait until after half-term to get proper legal advice. I'm surprised you haven't started this already.

springydaffs · 11/02/2012 13:01

He's a bit of a slug isn't he, your STBXH!! cake/eat and all that!!! Try to tune out his bellyaching because his poor little world has collapsed - what a selfish ARSE!! He wants to stay because he wants a comfortable little house and doesn't want to be on his ownsome fending for himself. It's a bit rich that he's expecting you to cushion his heartbreak from the woman he was having an affair with!!! the women he was planning to leave you for!!

Of course you should stay put because of the kids - settled, schools, friends. Its not as if there isn't enough money to go around, or that there isn't a property he can move into - he just wants a nice warm little home with someone looking after him.

Get to a lawyers asap. I wish you luck. As someone said upthread: don't listen to his pleading etc etc. He#s done it twice and he'll do it again. The OW saved herself just in time.

Original poster

Nat38 · 11/02/2012 13:24

His other house is 1/2 owned with his sister who still lives there. He wants to see a solicitor to see if he can live there rent free, even though his sister has been living rent free for the last 4/5 years. I just dont think he wants to move in with her as she can be a bit annoying at times. The more I write all this down the more pathetic he is sounding, me aswell for accepting what he is saying. I think you are all right in saying he just wants me for that cushion while hes getting through his heartbreak over another woman & for the financial support.
I have opened my own current account already, sent a form back to my employers for my wages to go into that account, also rang yesterday to start putting my Carers Allowance in there aswell.
I think I will go & get legal advice next week, while he looks after the children.

OP posts:

LollyBobs · 11/02/2012 13:29

Has his solicitor told him not to leave the property? My Dad was advised not to leave the property in case it's viewed as him abandoning it. He stayed living there until all the legal stuff was completely sorted.

Original poster

Nat38 · 11/02/2012 13:38

Dont think hes seen a solicitor yet......but I wonder if thats why he wants to hang around??

OP posts:

Bossybritches22 · 11/02/2012 13:48

He wants to see a solicitor to see if he can live there rent free, even though his sister has been living rent free for the last 4/5 years

He's stalling, if it's half his house & the only "tenants" are his sister then he doesn't need permission to live there.

Whatever not your problem. Get a solicitor asap, why wait until after half term- he can have the kids & YOU go out?

Sit him down with your diaries and work out a shared care & routine for while you are living there together. He will have to get used to this so best he start now. Agree nights that he has access visits with the girls & YOU arrange to go out, use it as your "nights off" as if the girls had gone over to his house. When it's your nights to have the kids he goes out.

He has to do some school pick-ups, contribute to the household budget even if only milk & stocking up the fridge with basics.

Please don't tell me you're still cooking for him & doing his laundry?

Sparks1 · 11/02/2012 14:04

As pathetic as this man is why is there always a "boot him out" crowd like it's a legal right. It's not, so stop advocating it like it is!

OP, you need to take the initiative and get legal advice as soon as. It's quite clear he won't and that he's in no hurry to do much about anything anytime soon.

FWIW, he sounds like a complete arse.

kodachrome · 11/02/2012 14:21

It's always worth telling him to go, in case he does. Why resign yourself to having to sit it out and go through the legal hoops, if there's a chance he will do everyone the favour of buggering off to the other house?

Xales · 11/02/2012 15:21

Maybe there isn't a legal right to boot him out.

However he had already made arrangements and planned to move out and live with another woman who I assume was going to support his unemployed butt without mentioning the other woman to his wife when deciding that.

Just because the other woman has done a runner and he now has no one to pay his bills he has decided to ask for extra time for the poor working wife to carry on supporting his unemployed cheating butt because he is upset at being dumped.

There is another house he can move to it's not as if he is going to be homeless he would just have to find a way to support himself.

I therefore think is is very fair for OP to say no you can't change your plans now just because your cushy plans fell through you are heartbroken over the woman you cheated on me with.

suburbophobe · 11/02/2012 16:57

If he's been out of work for 5 years, have you been supporting him for all of those?

No wonder he wants to keep the status quo.

Good on you for starting to get your finances in order.

Original poster

Nat38 · 11/02/2012 18:21

Have just sent him a text saying that he can stay over with his sister again tonight if he wants. He regularly stays over with her in their shared house on a Friday night! As I have been typing he says he would like to come home if thats ok. I said why?

OP posts:

kodachrome · 11/02/2012 18:27

Try saying no.

tallwivglasses · 11/02/2012 18:36

'No' is a complete sentence.

I love a good mn mantra.

You really aren't still doing his meals/washing, etc are you? Please say no.

anonacfr · 11/02/2012 18:54

How are the domestic arrangements at the moment? Are you buying his food cooking for him and washing his clothes? If so it sounds like he wants to stay on to be looked after for free.

kallima · 11/02/2012 19:05

tell him you need time to get your head straight...and you would prefer it if he gave you some space to do this

kodachrome · 11/02/2012 19:07

I think saying that will bring him running, kallima. The last thing he wants is for her to be able to think without him being there to try and influence and twist things.

Charbon · 11/02/2012 19:10

That text from you implies you still give a shit and is more the type of communication between people who still have a romantic relationship. Don't ask why he wants to come home. You know why he does. Don't engage like that. Tell him you want him out and mean it.

You do mean it don't you?

You should you know, because if you don't, he will be unfaithful again.

Original poster

Nat38 · 11/02/2012 19:31

Have just spoke to his sister giving excuses as to why hell be late back. He says that hes going away for a few days this 1/2 term to sort his head out, am so tempted to book a hotel/b & b for him for a few days & then lock the door behind him!!

OP posts:

springydaffs · 11/02/2012 19:33

I think the key words here are 'ask' and 'tell' You're 'asking' him to stay at his sister's; you're 'asking' him why we wants to come 'home'. etc.

TELL him! Don't wait for him to decide!

Front foot girl!

kodachrome · 11/02/2012 19:44

Why take on responsibility that is not yours? Book him a hotel or B&B? What are you even talking about?

He is a grown man who had made plans to move out previously just fine.

He even has a place to go to with his sister. So he finds her difficult to live with? So what? You find it difficult to live with a cheating asshole.

Stop being tempted and do.

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