Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tell me about your marriage after babies

44 replies

Beamae · 10/02/2012 18:36

Do you feel like your husband respects you more? Or less? Do you feel more appreciated or less so? Do babies leave you without passion in your marriage? And does this bother you? How does your post baby body affect your relationship from your point of view, or from his? Does anyone fall more deeply in love after having a child?

OP posts:
YuleingFanjo · 10/02/2012 18:38

whyy do you want to know?

Original poster
Beamae · 10/02/2012 18:41

I'm feeling sad. And I want to hear about other people's experiences so that I can make sense of my own. Sad

OP posts:
bakingaddict · 10/02/2012 18:41

Ermm to put in a nutshell, a lot less sex and sleep but humbled and awed at the thought of the new lives we've created together

Original poster
Beamae · 10/02/2012 18:44

That sounds lovely bakingaddict. It brought you closer together.

OP posts:
fatsamsgrandslam · 10/02/2012 18:44

More tired, less sex, less quality time on our own.

But....more appreciative of each other and definitely stronger.

Original poster
Beamae · 10/02/2012 18:49

Also lovely fatsams. That's what I bought other people would say. Does nobody else argue more? Or speak less?

OP posts:
bakingaddict · 10/02/2012 18:50

Sorry Beamae if things are not going to well for you....if your baby is very young then maybe it's just about adjusting to being parents, sometimes it can take a while

If your feeling sad could it be a touch of PND your experiencing, how long ago was your baby born?

luvviemum · 10/02/2012 18:53

There is no doubt that having a baby puts a strain on relationships - the exhaustion, emotions and anxiety are tough on couples. Me and my dh argued more and I felt I hated him at times although deep down I knew I didn't.

I also felt less attractive with my over-hanging stomach and jogging pants.
However, all I can say is that it gets MUCH easier with time. My dc are no longer babes in arms, they are cute, chatty little people who can tell us what they want and make us laugh.
I eventually did get back in the gym and make friends with a few salads so my weight came back down and my body returned to a much more acceptable state. I also got a decent haircut which made me feel a bit better about myself and improved my self esteem etc
Dh and I get on much better now kids are a bit older - the baby stage was the really hard bit IMO. Lack of sleep has huge repercussions for couples and tiredness coupled with stress can turn people into the worst possible versions of themselves at times.

Finallyfinally · 10/02/2012 18:56

Is your baby quite small? It's not always this intense you know... (MNing while DD feeds herself her yoghurt)

theressomethingaboutmarie · 10/02/2012 19:00

For the first few months after having DD, it was pretty bad. We were awed and amazed by our new roles and wonderful family but the tiredness, adjustment to our new roles and constant work were tough. I was so knackered that apparently I was horrible to him and one night he actually cried about it. We readjusted theway that we balanced things and it got better.

4 years down the line, we are expecting DC2 and are already talking about how we perhaps got it wrong last time somewhat. We work more as a team these days, give each other some free time and take it in turns to have a lie-in (oh how I relish Sunday's). I'm not saying that we have it sussed (the arrival of DC2 will prove) that but we are stronger and more together than we've ever been. Sex is better and more adventurous but less frequent however.

I hope that helps. The first few months after having a baby can be bloody tough but as per the Mumsnet mantra, this too shall pass!

EttiKetti · 10/02/2012 19:06

First 6 months were Shit both times...first time very ill, non-sleeping baby...second time very ill mummy but delightful baby.

Huge strain on relationship, but youngest now 7 and once those 6mths were over, life improved 100%. We are stronger than ever, he appreciates everything I do, and me him! It takes effort imo, but its worth it...

Original poster
Beamae · 10/02/2012 19:07

I have twins. They are 5 months old and yes I think we are both tired so that might be it. Is it too late for PND? I just feel like having babies has suddenly over exaggerated the minor things that irritated me before about him. And I keep wondering how long to give it before having to admit that things aren't going to come right.

OP posts:
chilipeppers · 10/02/2012 20:10

My husband is wonderful,does so much to help me cooks,cleans, night feeds early mornings and even has the baby for a whole weekend so i can go away on a girlie weekend. I love him so much but i do feel like we have lost our closeness. We never have sex and just don't really talk like we used to. I'm really hoping that things will get better soon,our DD is only 7 months and a really bad sleeper. It does make me sad but i just think how lucky i am when i look at him playing with our DD.

Dozer · 10/02/2012 20:20

Could be Pnd (not too late), could be exhaustion, could be relationship probs, body image issues, adjusting to life changes, having to negotiate/compromise more, could be unfair division of childcare/domestics, family problems, combination of factors!

I am struggling, have an 18mo and 4yo. For me sleep (and breastfeeding, which find exhausting) are the key problems. But not as much as was struggling when dd1 was 18mo, so am holding on! Hang in there OP. do you have anyone local with twins or similar-aged baby to talk to?

Original poster
Beamae · 10/02/2012 21:03

I definitely relate to it being a loss of closeness. But I don't want to speak to anyone I know about it because he isn't a bad person, he loves our girls and I want to project a good image of him to our friends. I am hoping this is just an adjustment issue and that it will get better.

OP posts:
Finallyfinally · 10/02/2012 21:10

Goodness me you must be exhausted. Everything annoys you when you're tired. Just stick with it and trust your relationship is in there.

Could you get a babysitter and go out for dinner? I know you're tired, but sometimes it's good to do some couple stuff...

Chubfuddler · 10/02/2012 21:16

Never doubted our marriage is under there somewhere, just a little overshadowed by tiredness and the demands of children. We have competitive tiredness conversations, and virtual sex. "do you want to?" one whispers to the other when we tiptoe shattered to bed. "I want to, honestly. But I'm just so tired..."

We got it back after ds was born, when he was about a year old. It'll come back again (dd is six months). It will .....

inabeautifulplace · 10/02/2012 21:25

We are 8 months in as new parents. Loving it now, but the first 3 months were tough as we were both very tired and stressed out. Like you, minor irritations can seem massive problems. Are you able to discuss things properly or do you both hold back until you're ready to blow? This was the biggest mistake we made. Can you get time away from the twins together to help you work things through in a more stress free environment?

I'm ashamed to admit that it took me longer to adjust to my new responsibilities than it should have. Does it feel like your husband is not pulling his weight? Likewise, my wife admits to dominating the parenting in the early stages. Neither of these significant issues improved until they were openly and honestly discussed. It's such a fundamental change in the dynamic of the relationship that you really need to step back and talk to each other. I think each of us had assumed expectations about parenting which may take a while to unravel. I think the normal timeframe is a few decades ;)

mumtofour · 10/02/2012 21:28

the real fun starts when your kids become teenagers..then the relationship can be put under many different pressures!...sorry to be the bearer of bad news!

HeadyEddie · 10/02/2012 21:30

Beamae It can get better, honestly.

I have two that are 13 months apart. It was very, very hard at first. The first 6 months with our first was hard, the first 6 months with the second (whilst the first was still just a baby) was hard.

I can remember thinking 'what the fuck have I done?'. When the youngest was 6 months old we hit a real low point and had to have a real serious discussion about what was going wrong. What was upsetting him, what was upsetting me and what we could do about it. Our biggest issue was tiredness, we agreed to stop playing the I'm-more-tired-than-you game, we started working as a team more and slowly things got better. Now the youngest is 19 months and we are back to being a happy family but it really took some work to get there, but it was really worth it.

Capitaltrixie · 10/02/2012 21:44

So good to find this thread tonight. We're 3 months in with DD2 and finding it very very hard (close to breaking point hard..he has gone to stay at his mums), but this has given me a glimmer of hope...
So I know how you feel Beamae, hope things get better soon for you Smile. Don't remember anyone telling me it would be like this (would I have listened?! Hmm )

OnlyMe1971 · 10/02/2012 21:48

Oh it's still only early days, try not to worry too much! We have 3 very close together, 16 months between first 2 then a huge 2 years.... youngest is 2 now so we're a few years on. It's still really hard BUT we are in a great routine (mostly), DH is totally all hands on deck when he's around and even though we do argue and snipe sometimes, once we are on our own in the evenings we try to touch base and connect with one another. Definitely much, much less sex but that doesn't bother me (or DH) too much as it'll most likely come back somewhat.

The other thing is htat we now make a point of spending time together, so we go out walking, get a babysitter in and take off for 2 hours on our own.

Still go through phases of being too knackered to talk but then I'll ring DH at work the next day for a catch up chat or whatever. We still have a laugh together and I feel he is very much my best friend in this roller coaster ride!

We had a VERY tough time after DS2 was born for over a year, so please don't give up hope.... good times will come back xx

Original poster
Beamae · 10/02/2012 21:57

He does help out, so it's not that. It's definitely not equal though as I have to do a lot more for the babies than him, but that I am fine with. We don't have any family nearby so I don't really have anyone to leave the babies with, but quite recently they have finally started sleeping better so I could maybe leave them with someone for an evening. I think I am being stubborn in not wanting to be the one who initiates the conversation because historically he is quite lazy about our relationship and I feel in some way like he should be doing more to restore the closeness since I'm the one who has ruined my body and been through the trauma of having the babies. So I want him to realise that I'm insecure and to appreciate me more and put in the effort. But I suppose I have to bite the bullet. It sounds positive from your stories though, that things will come right.

OP posts:
HeadyEddie · 10/02/2012 22:03

Beamae Sounds really similar to us. He was helping out but I hadn't realised that I was making him feel inferior because what he was doing wasn't 'right' so he felt a bit useless. I felt like he didn't understand the physical toll having the two babies had one me - I hadn't recovered from the first birth before I was pg again - and I had health problems because of this. I also didn't feel like he understood the emotional toll the pgs had had on me.

Like you, I wanted to see him make some effort to improve the marriage but I had to just bite the bullet, as you said, and broach the issue. I'm glad I did, it turned out he had wanted to say something but was so worried about causing further issues he had held his tongue and hoped things would just sort themselves out in time.

A few really brutally honest conversations and a lot of compromising on both parts and we are really better off now.

HeadyEddie · 10/02/2012 22:07

Also, don't underestimate the difference having no family nearby makes. We have no family nearby at all, most are abroad, and it means you are really doing on your own.

I have friends whose mums' help/have the baby a few times a week who still struggle so its no wonder those of us with zero help find it really, really hard.

Swipe left for the next trending thread