Tell me about your marriage after babies

[Beamae]

Do you feel like your husband respects you more? Or less? Do you feel more appreciated or less so? Do babies leave you without passion in your marriage? And does this bother you? How does your post baby body affect your relationship from your point of view, or from his? Does anyone fall more deeply in love after having a child?

Beamae - we definitely snap at each other more than we used to, very rarely had proper arguments before DS. We both realise we're doing it and put it down to being tired.

IMO the important thing is to actually consider whether you're being reasonable or not when taking a stand on something. For example, shrieking 'YOU HAVEN'T REPLACED THE WETWIPES, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!' is not a constructive thing to say whereas 'Oh dear, we haven't got any wetwipes. Please can you get me some wet kitchen roll and put wipes on the list?' is much better. I learned this the hard way!

Another important thing is to say sorry if you feel like you were a bit mean and then make an effort not to do it again. It's amazing how much resentment an apology wipes out. Just try to keep talking to each other, it honestly does get better if you're both doing it :)

Before children - felt rock solid. After DC - has swung from mild to intense irritation (who's got the harder life? who's had less sleep wars?), squabbling about crap, to just going through motions somewhat and feeling like parents but not partners, housemates not soul mates. But back to feeling really happy, back to how we were/better/deeper bond and rock solid again. We've been together a while and have experienced highs and lows. Sometimes you just have to wait for the storm that is early parenting to pass and sometimes you have to dig in and make the effort.

I can understand your viewpoint - I have felt the same - I was always the one I perceived 'made the effort' and after DC I just felt I had nothing left over to give any more, and wanted someone to cosset me instead. Men though (major generalisation) need to be told what you need rather than expecting them to do something they don't realise (they're not in your head to know you feel that way) you're expecting them to do.

There were a few things that helped me and my perspective - probably from fonts of knowledge such as women's mags!!! Let some things go. Treat your DH like you do your best friend. And I found that if I made the first move, DH would usually respond and then we both functioned better as a couple, which made everything better, and easier - and made DH more like to instigate things - not sure I would't felt much different if he'd made the first move or not. Finally.....give it time - 5 months is still really early days!

Thank you everyone for replying. I feel so much better knowing there are others with similar stories. Everyone I know in real life just claim to be so elated and so in love after having a baby, which was making me think this was something more serious than just a blip we could work through.

I am off for some shut eye now so I'm not ignoring you, if anyone else posts!

apologies for the 'why do you want to know'

DH says I am more of a bitch to him, we do snap at eachother more and if i am feeling unsupported that is definitely true. first 6 months were a mixture of a blur and the bliss of endless days of maternity leave. Sensed a little annoyance from DH while I was 'off work' to be honest but it was generally ok if a little exhausting. I went back to work when ds was 9 months and we had a very rocky few months during which the sniping and bitching increased. We had lots of talks (good that we were still talking) and seem to have thrashed it out thought everything now revolves around the baby and sex is practically non-existant.

Ps, Cerys, laughed at the wetwipes. I think I have actually done that.

Beamae - I could have written this post myself a few years ago. My DH and I really had to fight to keep our relationship together after the birth of our twins. It really isn't easy. My DH is an amazing dad but I used to get so snappy with him when he tried to help with the babies. He wasn't doing it MY way or as well as I would have IMO. I was terrible to him. Couldn't see it at the time though. We've since had another baby and she has really brought us much closer together. I'm much more relaxed and can really see this time what a great dad he is. Really didn't appreciate that with the twins. I think we were both exhausted, stressed out and just trying to get through it any old way. Definately gets easier but we've had to do a lot of soul searching and it took us very nearly spliting up to realise we wanted to bring our girls up and grow old together.

Beamae I'm always slightly suspicious of those couples that claim that having a baby has brought nothing but positives to a relationship - I honestly don't believe them really.

Like bugs I would have said we were totally rock solid before having dd, but in the few months after I really began to understand how divorce happens :(

Tb perfectly honest, I often felt total resentment for dh's perceived freedom ie he could walk out of the room without thinking twice, go out to play football, have a drink etc, none of which felt fair and I found it particularly hard because he didnt seem to appreciate this, or how hard it was for me. I even threw a few things in anger, which is not me at all.

Dd1 is now 2.6 and dd2 is 6 months. Second time around is much easier, I suppose the life adjustment is less fundamental and looking back I can see that I was bossy and martyish, which didn't help.

An example of not so good times: Last night DH was supposed to be
feeding dd2 her baby rice with ebm, so I could eat my dinner first, with dd1. While getting his beer out, he knocked the whole bowl over. I called him an idiot - something I have never done. Then I felt I had to check which bag of ebm he defrosted to replace it, had to tell him how much rice to put in, then had finished my dinner by the time it was ready so fed her anyway and was annoyed that I had ended up doing something I needed a break from because of him :(

This isn't everyday, but illustrates that days can always be difficult and especially when you're tired. Dd2 is a constant waker :(

I should add that DH is a great dad, plays with both girls all the time, does equal share of everything when at home and is really patient when I am bossy!

I think, also, 6 months is a real low point. You've passed the "oh God this is hell but we're in it together" phase and you are unutterably cumulatively tired, it's been such a long time and yet the baby is still so little...

And yet, you're not long from it getting a lot better. Once they're properly mobile (despite the challenges of that!) they get more tired and so nap better and start to amuse themselves more...

Re. the going out - I'm miles from family and registered with sitters.co.uk. The first time I left her with a sitter was at 6 months old. My family were at me using a sitter I hadn't met before but I pointed out that a CRB-checked, registered nurse was a better bet than a teenager! They really are very good and you tend to get the same sitter again and again so you build up a relationship with them.

The thing that strikes me from reading this thread is that we all harbour certain resentment towards our DHs, in fact for me it's probably more like jealousy of how much less emotionally involved he is with the kids.
Of course they are really close and he is brilliant with them, but often I feel like he does not connect with them so much emotionally, and that I am the one who does this.
I am the one who feels the guilt, the pain etc when things go wrong.

I see so many of my friends though letting their DHs get away wiht absolute murder, said DHs not pulling their weight at all, literally coming home from work and sitting on their arses for the evening, while mum (who ALSO in most cases works too) does the laundry, the preparing of lunches for hte next day, the putting out of clothes, and just generally doing everything herself.

DH when he gets home from work gets stuck right in, I'm usually at the end of my tether by then and he'll sort out whatever row is going on, or he'll change a nappy, or set the table or whatever and neither of us sit down til everyone's asleep and everything is ready for the next day.

He STILL has more freedom than I do, but after realising this last year I started going to the gym more oftne, so now i go 3 times a week and he has his sports and his drinks out every now and again and it is far more equal so thjere is less resentment in general.

But we definitely still go through phases where we will be sniping and annoyed with one another and he drives me absolutely bonkers at times. This week we had a good week but last week for example was horrible.

So it's ups and downs, and it seems like your DH does his bit which is great, but please don't underestimate the pressure you are under. It WILL get better. We also have no family or any other suppor around and that has been really, really hard. We now have several babysitters though so at least there is some form of support at times when we really need it.

Hope you feel more positive soon!

Echoing everyone else, it gets better Beamae.
I remember going through the resentment/jealousy during the first year after DS1, that my life had changed so much and that DH could just go to work and enjoy hot coffee and talk to people who didn't just talk about nappy rash. I remember watching the clock for when DH would be home and I know (he has told me!) that some days he dreaded coming home. Because I was somewhat of a harridan and I was, I know that.
I also remember very much having to change my view of my body, I thought of myself as only a Mother, not a sexual being for quite some time.
I can honestly say that now (and for some time), we are a better couple because of our boys. We enjoy being all together and we also enjoy it when they are in bed and we can chat in peace. Mine are 5 and 7 now so not so much exhaustion and frustration.
That first year can be very difficult, but I agree with Cerys, it's all about how you spin things, an "all in it together" attitude and honesty are key I think.

It didnt really chaneg for me and DH but i think its for a lot of reasons. Firstly my life didnt change that dramatically after children as I was still working and had short maternity leave so shared everything from start so it was more of an in it together type of thing than 1 having 1 role one having another.

Also DD didnt change my body at all which I was quite lucky with, and so didnt change how I percieved myself as a sexual being. I also still spent a lot of time with friends and having time, weekends to myself so it didnt feel like he was having lots of fun and I wasnt. I think even from when DD was very little we have had same amount of leisure time/social life but I didnt breastfeed though.

Also I am not one of those mums that want it done a certain way. He could do whatever he wants for DD whatever way he likes when it is his turn to do it. We have also always done the lie in thing from the start as we both like having sleep so that is a definite recommendation.

Something we did when DCs were babies and waking in the night was to do one night on, one night off. This meant that whoever was 'on' for the night did all the night wakings (my 3 all ff) for that night. The following night the other was 'on' and whoever was 'off' could just roll over and think 'not my turn'.

My DCs are much older now, we are thinking about driving lessons and university for the oldest now! What I am getting at is that there are hard tiring years when DCs are small but you do come out into the sunshine in the end. Yes, when you are utterly tired little things will rankle. However, one day quite soon you will both sleep through the night for a few nights in a row and this part will start to ease into history.

I'm really glad for you the other posters have positive outcomes.
My dd is 15 months and my relationship has suffered hugely and I am totally and utterly resentful of my DH since having a baby. First few weeks he was great, helpful etc, then he stopped and due to starting his own business became a workaholic, totally focussed on that (which is great as it pays the bills as I'm a stay at home mum), but he has done very little with our dd to help, and nothing at all to help me. Before dd he used to cook most nights, was very tidy etc...since the baby and I've become stay at home Mum he never ever cooks, says that he goes to work why should he have to wash up or cook etc as he hasn't got time.

We have not had sex since baby was conceived 2 years ago. We sleep in separate beds now too and we barely talk or even sit in the same room. He says I have been horrible to him. I don't think the men understand what extreme tiredness can do to someone, how grumpy and snappy it can make you.

Body issues wise - My body looks pretty much the same as before so I don't feel too affected by that, although my partner doesn't want sex with me anyway. I still think of sex, just not with him.

It is VERY hard having a baby if you don't communicate (which we don't) through the tiredness and change of roles etc.

You have twins, that is a lot to take on. Hopefully your partner helps you out and is a hands on Dad as well as helps cook sometimes/wash up etc.

As the other posters have said, you will have ups and downs, but it's still early days and once you get to a year, you will be getting more sleep and hopefully you will feel less snappy.

Advice - talk, talk, talk. Don't let the resentment build (as I have done), if things are bothering you, bring them up, if you feel you need more help, ask for it, it's hard for men to understand what having a baby is like both emotionally and physically.

You will come out the other end just fine I'm sure.

H doesn't seem to notice the change in my bod shape.

I think he respects me more after having children as I've became more mature and obviously have more responsibilities now. BUT... I'm a SAHM and when he's had a hard day at work he can often come home and say things like "you've got it easy".

exhaustion puts paid to any sexual activity, we had competative tiredness, and i became angry if her got even 5 mintues more sleep than me.

But we were definitely united in our adoration and utter love of our ds.
He took over our entire lives completely and utterly, our first thought when we opened our eyes, 24/7

DS was planned, and we were in our 30's when we had him. We had experienced a very very happy and adventurous pre baby life, for 10 years.
Amazing travel, bought a gorgeous house, were financially secure and so our only worry was our ds.

I believe that we did ok, becuase we didnt have other stuff to worry about iyswim.

Not wishing to put the dampers on things but when i had my son i think it was the beginning of the end. Neither of us realised the work involved and i think hubby was jealous of all the time and attention i gave the baby. We grew further and further apart and by the time i could take stock of what had happened we couldnt sit down and discuss it without having a pop at eachother.
I think we both accept now that having a baby destroyed our relationship, rather than changed it. My advise would be to sit down and talk about how you both feel asap and try to see it from both viewpoints even though it is tricky to focus on anything other than how crap you feel.