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Original poster

Sexless marriage. Should we 'just do it'?

30 replies

MerryMarigold · 10/02/2012 10:02

Interested in any advice from 'sexperts' or those who have been through this.

We've had sex under 5 times in the past 5 years - and only once in the past 4. There's a few reasons for this: I had CFS/ Depression (plus 1 child), I then had a twin pregnancy which was hard, followed by twins, sex was never very good for me anyway, now we're just not at all close and I don't feel attracted to dh. My friend has suggested that we 'just do it' as a way to get closer. I don't know. I don't know if it will help. I know we have been wanting to sort out sex life out for at least a year and we're very committed to sorting out our marriage, but wanting to do it 'right', to feel closer and more intimate before we do. However, in a year nothing has changed. I wonder if it's a chicken and an egg situation: we're not having sex, so we're not getting closer, we're not getting closer, so we're not having sex. Should we just break this pattern and go for it? It's something I have mentioned to dh, but he didn't think it was a good idea. Now a mutual friend has suggested the same, he is more up for it, but now I'm having my doubts!

We are not even kissing. A kiss on the cheek is all. I feel like I could do it if I switched off (I think I would rather do it than a proper snog!). Anyone been there, got any experience?

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 10/02/2012 10:17

Well I do think sex is important and while it doesn't matter what the frequency is really having it there sometimes does add an extra level of intimacy to a relationship and make you more than just people who get on and share a house IYSWIM.

It is difficult though and the longer you leave it the more difficult it is to do it, so that is where your friends are coming from. It's not surprising that your sex life has gone AWOL BTW with all that on your plate.

Do you love him / do you find anything about him attractive? What was your sex life like before children?

Chinateacup · 10/02/2012 10:17

Yes. Just have a glass of wine, turn the lights down and do it Grin
Nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 10/02/2012 10:25

Thanks.

Sardine, it wasn't great for me. It was good for him. After lots of talking he finally understood that it wasn't good for me (after about 1.5yrs!), he withdrew a bit/ tried to read books (but not really his thing). Maybe partly felt that he wasn't good at it, and definitely felt that it was a lot of effort to make it good for me.

I have looked up relate Sex Therapy, but it's hard to get babysitting...

China, do you think there's nothing to lose? If I was convinced of that, I'd happily go for it. I just don't want to feel even more resentful about our sex life.

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryMarigold · 10/02/2012 10:26

Wine is v good advice Grin!

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 10/02/2012 10:28

Have you talked to your DH about it? How does he feel about the lack of sex? Is he happy with the situation or does he miss it? If "just doing it" would involve you switching off, then it might not help anyway, how about "just doing" everything upto but not sex this weekend? Try snuggling up, kissing, get some intimacy back. Sex might follow, but if you don't put the pressure on yourself to say you have to have sex, you can enjoy that.

Do you get to spend time alone with DH when your not just knackered from the DCs? could you get a sitter for this Saturday night and go out for dinner? Start with getting dressed up, feeling good about yourself is a good first step to feeling sexy, and it's easier to be attracted to a freshly showered and shaved man in smart clothes than end of the day, slobing in scruffs or what he's been wearing all day... If you can't get someone to watch the DCs so you can go out, get some nice food in, eat together after the DCs have gone to bed (with wine China suggests) and enjoy each other's company. And snog him.

LydiaWickham · 10/02/2012 10:31

seen your next post, was there anything he could do before to make it good for you? anything you'd like him to do? If sex doesn't work for you, does oral sex? (assuming he's relatively good at that/open to instruction)

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 10/02/2012 10:45

Sex can be good for me, but it takes a long time for me to get properly turned on, and it's quite painful sometimes even when I am (although when it's more frequent it's less painful). I thought pushing a baby out my help, but apparently not! I don't really like oral sex (don't mind performing but not receiving).

Grin about snog him. Gosh, it would feel so WEIRD. That's why I felt like I'd rather have sex than do everything else...it's all so intimate, and I don't really want to be intimate with him, and I really don't feel good enough about myself to allow someone to be intimate with me. That's why I'm wondering if maybe we start having sex, the snogging and caressing etc. can come later.

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryMarigold · 10/02/2012 10:47

We have spent time together recently, but it's just not great. I'd love it to be great, but I don't feel like he really enjoys it either, which makes it even harder for me to enjoy it. I wouldn't describe it as enjoying each other's company, I think a couple of years ago we would have, but it's gone beyond that now.

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 10/02/2012 11:04

If you don't feel good about yourself, then perhaps that's a better place to focus than your actual sex life.

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 10/02/2012 11:22

True, Lydia, but part of not feeling good about myself is because my marriage is not in a good place, and we're not very kind to each other anymore. If we're closer, if he's happier, I'm sure I'll start feeling better about myself. Again, chicken and eggs.

OP posts:
ohdearwhatdoidonow · 10/02/2012 11:54

Can it get any worse??

Just do it, forget about the "quality" of the sex just focus on the physical and emotional closesness it brings.

Good Luck!

xx

SardineQueen · 10/02/2012 11:56

You don't really enjoy having sex with him, but feel like you ought to as this will make him happier and that will improve your relationship generally which is not great at the moment?

Is that about the size of it?

SardineQueen · 10/02/2012 11:56

I mean you feel like you ought to have sex, not that you feel like you ought to enjoy it, although clearly that would be better!

kodachrome · 10/02/2012 12:18

Urgh. I think contemplating having sex with someone you don't even want to kiss and don't enjoy spending time with, when it's likely to be painful and non-pleasurable is just a horrible idea.

Do you love him? Do you find him attractive at all?

If you must go down this route, use lube and consider sex therapy. But .. oh dear.

bradbourne · 10/02/2012 12:33

I don't think it will help to "just do it". In fact, I think it could be counter-productive.

I think you need to try to gradually build up your levels of affection, spend time together and work on feeling better about yourself. If you aren't up to a snog, try a hug, holding hands, just smiling more and generally trying to be "loving". Not sure about spending time together? If you are just sitting together in a restaurant with not much to say, it can be hard...try to find something where you are together, but actually doing something - maybe watch a film or a show or a trip out somewhere you would both enjoy. together.

To me, it seems more likely that the sex will improve if you are generally feeling more affectionate towards one another and enjoy being together - rather than the other way around.

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 10/02/2012 12:33

kodachrome, maybe 'oh dear'...but I have to try everything. My hope is that it will get to a place of being pleasurable and lovely, but it has to start somewhere. Of course, if it was as you describe for years then it wouldn't be on. But it's been nothing for years!

Sardine...I have enjoyed sex with him sometimes, a long time ago, not like never, just not that often. I do think it will make him happier and therefore less critical, but also hope it will make us physically and emotionally closer as ohdear points out. So not just for his benefit.

I just don't know whether it's the place to start, but am encouraged by some of these responses. If it can't do any harm (no-one has says it can) then I am totally up for trying it.

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryMarigold · 10/02/2012 12:40

We went out on Sat to watch rugby dh's choice and had a meal after (albeit a pub one!). Then on Tue we went to a movie as my Mum was here. It's rare to do 2 things in a week! Still didn't feel a lot more affectionate. What you describe bradbourne was the plan for last year, but life just intervened and we didn't prioritise it. It just feels like we can't wait another year.

OP posts:
kodachrome · 10/02/2012 12:45

You didn't answer whether you love him or find him attractive...

The only harm I can see it doing is possibly turning disinterest into revulsion on your part.

Definitely lots of lube.

fiventhree · 10/02/2012 12:47

You seem to me to both be dealing with a heap of issues here

? He has performance anxieties
? You have difficulty in becoming intimate
? You don?t find sex sexually satisfying
? You are emotionally tense, especially during sex
? You have three small children
? You have been depressed
? You have twins, which are a handful for anyone

The problem has also gone on for a long time.

You both really do need to deal with this, it wont go away, and the fact you are posting about it shows you think it is a problem. It would not be for everyone, but it would be for the vast majority of couples, I suspect, or at least for one of the couple.

I do really think there are enough issues here to justify prioritising Relate, but specifying that you want someone who can work with you to untangle sexually related issues.

There are plenty of people on these threads who have experience of a long term sexless marriage leading to real disaster ultimately, often including when it didnt appear to be a key problem.

You both deserve and need a better time of it than this, and a marriage without intimacy alone is such an issue that it will only lead to sadness later on. You can tackle this between you, and reach a much better place. That will benefit you and the children in the long term.

Have you read His needs , her needs, by Willard Harley (or Harley Willard, not sure which)? May help theoretically, a bit.

LadyMedea · 10/02/2012 13:07

I would generally advise to 'just do it'.... but only if you said that sex didn't really occur to you but when you get going its enjoyable. If its not enjoyable then don't just do it.... find out why it isn't enjoyable.

Definitely get some psychosexual counselling from Relate - I think this needs to be a priority. This sounds like you could really do with some professional input.

What kind of contraceptives are you using? My Mirena IUS coil absoloutely killed my sex drive... and gynae problems can make sex painful... sex really shouldn't be painful unless there is a reason.

fluffygal · 10/02/2012 14:08

I really don't recommend just doing it- I tried that and felt like throwing up,felt used and dirty and cried after. It has made my situation so much worse, please don't just do it, find out the why's and work on your relationship first, then the sex should follow naturally (well I hope so as that is my plan anyway).

OhTheInsanity · 10/02/2012 14:21

'I really don't feel good enough about myself to allow someone to be intimate with me.'

I think your husband could be your absolute ideal in everything but you would still feel this way.

This may not be about your sex life at all. In fact, perhaps your sex life is merely a symptom of the problem. Have a think.

lavender11 · 10/02/2012 14:25

serious question
how do you get a man to agree to go to Relate?
is it just me or don't most men absolutely hate the idea of "talking" therapy
Infact don't some people just get divorced rather than go to Relate or the equivalent
or maybe it is just me
I am also in a "sexless" marriage. I miss it. I know he misses it. I have suggested we just try to find some time away from the children but even just suggesting that seems counterproductive (dont men like to be the one to take the initiative)
the length of time since sex scares me witless
we did it maybe 4 times last year and i feel totally powerless to change that this year how ever much i would like to

Heleninahandcart · 10/02/2012 14:31

Have you enjoyed sex with other partners in the past? Was it different with your DH? I'm wondering about the idea of him saying he does not liking the effort it needs to please you. Another concern is that it took him 1.5 years to understand it wasn't good for you. Why? Surely most partners would realise this unless they were either very inexperienced, disinterested or uncaring.

SardineQueen · 10/02/2012 14:33

In what way is he critical?

I am just not sensing that you are very happy at all.

Do you love him, is there anything you find attractive about him?